Author Topic: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you  (Read 26545 times)

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barelythere

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When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« on: September 22, 2010, 10:44:03 AM »
What does it mean?   Do they not like you?  What?

Offline Pooh

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2010, 10:53:47 AM »
I think it means different things to different people.  Guilt, deceit, embarrassment, dislike.....who knows.  I'm not trying to be funny here, but one of the blow-ups me and my DIL had when they were just dating was because she stomped her foot at me and rolled her eyes like a 4 year old in the middle of a crowded gymnasium because she wasn't getting her selfish way.  It both angered me and embarrassed me in front of about 50 people so I followed her outside along with my DS and told her that if she ever did that to me again, I would confront her in front of everyone and embarrass her back. 

So in my case, it could be so I can't see her roll her eyes!
« Last Edit: September 22, 2010, 10:58:19 AM by Pooh »
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2010, 11:04:01 AM »
I agree that it means different things to different people. To some...eye contact mean dominance. When a person doesn't make eye contact with me... I feel like they aren't there...or don't want to be.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2010, 03:17:37 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Barbie

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2010, 03:02:21 PM »
Louise, in my DIL's case I think that's what it means. She really hates me and wants nothing to do with me. I guess deep down I've known that, I was hoping someone came up with a different answer.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2010, 03:22:08 PM »
In my family, after my eldest son died at 52 his wife remarried. Her husband won't look me in the eye...ever. If I stood right right in front of him and banged spoons on a kettle, he would look over my shoulder. I have no idea if it's because my son was her first choice or if he does that a lot.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

barelythere

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2010, 03:45:46 PM »
In my family, after my eldest son died at 52 his wife remarried. Her husband won't look me in the eye...ever. If I stood right right in front of him and banged spoons on a kettle, he would look over my shoulder. I have no idea if it's because my son was her first choice or if he does that a lot.

I'm trying to think of what I was feeling when I have done that myself (not made eye contact).  I think it was a mixture of anger at that person for some perceived wrong on their part and a way to get back at them for hurting me.  It doesn't work and only makes you use energy you don't have so I never tried it again. It's best to try, if at all possible to live in peace with all people.  Oy Vey, people....if we could just do away with some of them!  (this is a joke kinda)

barelythere

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2010, 07:37:56 PM »
In my family, after my eldest son died at 52 his wife remarried. Her husband won't look me in the eye...ever. If I stood right right in front of him and banged spoons on a kettle, he would look over my shoulder. I have no idea if it's because my son was her first choice or if he does that a lot.

Ah ha!  I think I have the answer!  (I'm great at analyzing other people's problems, but you'll note I can't figure my own problems out)  I think your ex-DIL's new husband is embarrassed by his wife's past behavior, knows you speak directly and might bite his head off in a polite way so he's skeeerd of you!  Whadya think? 8) 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2010, 07:48:42 PM »
Funny, I'm not known in my family for speaking directly unless asked to. I'm known for being full of fun. Goofy-even.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Nana

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #8 on: September 23, 2010, 07:23:35 PM »
About eye-contact.  It is strange.  I was told that  a job interviewer takes down notes and he writes down the eye-contact the person being interviewed has.  It tells them a lot about a person.

Since my son was a kid....he had a very poor eye contact.  He had little or no eye contact, specially with grown-up people.  My husband once told my son he had to look to the eye of the person who was speaking to him because you couldnt  look to the eye if you had something to hide, or if you were deceitful.  It couldnt be his case because he was only a kid.  The thing with him was that he was shy.   He still is a little this way.  He is an introvert boy if he doesnt know people....but with his friends.....he is very outspoken. 

So you said right.....it can be for different reasons.

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

barelythere

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #9 on: September 23, 2010, 08:11:38 PM »
About eye-contact.  It is strange.  I was told that  a job interviewer takes down notes and he writes down the eye-contact the person being interviewed has.  It tells them a lot about a person.

Since my son was a kid....he had a very poor eye contact.  He had little or no eye contact, specially with grown-up people.  My husband once told my son he had to look to the eye of the person who was speaking to him because you couldnt  look to the eye if you had something to hide, or if you were deceitful.  It couldnt be his case because he was only a kid.  The thing with him was that he was shy.   He still is a little this way.  He is an introvert boy if he doesnt know people....but with his friends.....he is very outspoken. 

So you said right.....it can be for different reasons.

This is very hard for me to say but my son hates me by his actions and non-actions. He doesn't want us around at all.  He did in the past but not any more.   My DH and I talked about it tonight.  He has no regard at all for my husband either.  He isn't as overt with it with DH as with me but it is hate coming from him.  I can't keep denying it anymore. I am heartbroken.  I sure had the best of intentions and gave him everything I had, we had. Maybe he is afraid I'll be a burden someday, who knows?  I saw him night before last and his looks, when he looked at me, were glares, just cruel.  He was the most loving child, young man, man and now nothing but hate.  I have to search my self for what part I played so I'll keep you posted.

Offline Nana

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #10 on: September 23, 2010, 09:28:52 PM »
My dear Barelythere:

I am sorry that you are so heart-broken.  I know that feeling.  I once said to someone that if we could hear the noise of hearts breaking, those who break  our hearts would stop hurting us so badly. 

Barelythere:  I dont really think that your son hates you.  Something got to him.....but he loves you.    The people we love most seem to be the ones who hurt us most.  Why?  Because they know we will always love them.  They know that are loves for them can take a lot.  They dont act this way with other people because they know that they may lose them.

I wish I was near you to give you a big hug but my heart is with you now.

 I will keep you in my prayers.....and all of WW in this forum who are hurting.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

barelythere

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #11 on: September 23, 2010, 09:53:02 PM »
Thank you, Nana.  I would love to believe he does care for us but his actions don't show it.  He is angry and 40 years old with kids and a wife.  He has become increasingly angry and withdrawn but his anger is directed at me.  He is apathetic to both his father and me.  I think apathy is far worse than hate. At least with hate, there is some feeling there.  Please pray for me.  Like all of us, we adored him. He was the one who tried so hard to get all the family together for celebrations in the past.  He slipped and said "I get in trouble for doing that".  So I know this has been a sytematic distruction effort from his wife.  He is ultimately responsible, though.  He has very little to say and if he does say anything, it is short, one word answers, like you're bothering him.  There is anger in his face and he is getting all of a sudden gray headed (I don't know what that means but he is)  He's rich as all get out so I can't understand what the problem is.  It is aimed at me, though whatever it is.  Pray for us. 

Offline Nana

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #12 on: September 23, 2010, 10:19:43 PM »
Barelythere:


My best friend's son is always angry at her.  At times it also seems as hate.  He is very angry and he does not know who to blame....he always blames her (mother).  The father is out of the picture.

He has some good days, but when something does not work out for him, regardless of the matter, his mother (my friend) pays her dues.  If he ends a relationship with a girl, if he has problems at work, if doesnt have money, he blames her for it all.  So she is always wishing that he does not have any problems....because then all the problems are her's.  She also tells me all the time that he hates her.  I think that he hates his life....that he hates the whole world.  He takes it on her....the only one who can tolerate him.

I promise to keep you in my prayers.  Just wait and see, things have to change.  Just hold on there.  Give your love to those who love and value you.   I will also pray for your son. --he needs a lot of it.

Love you
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #13 on: September 24, 2010, 05:41:30 AM »
I'm with Nana.  I don't think he hates you.  If he did, why would he even see you?  I can't imagine him spending any time with you if that was the truth.  He would stay far away if he truly hated you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

barelythere

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Re: When a loved one won't make eye contact with you
« Reply #14 on: September 24, 2010, 06:57:20 AM »
I'm with Nana.  I don't think he hates you.  If he did, why would he even see you?  I can't imagine him spending any time with you if that was the truth.  He would stay far away if he truly hated you.

The only time I see him is at some of the kid's events, Pooh.  Now I'm wondering if we should continue to go to them. He never calls, never returns calls to us.  He never comes by here anymore at all.  No kindness is shown to us.  We have been playing the pretend game, pretending to ourselves that he cared.  At least I thought he did about his Dad.  He took his Dad to his college games, no more.
He was the kindest boy/man.   It is heartbreaking.  I feel totally abandoned and that was my greatest fear. I have friends, yes and an outside life but nothing can help when your heart is broken, especially when you don't know what you've done.  I think he thought I might become a burden someday.  If I was not posting these words, I'd never believe this could happen to us, not with him.  He was a wonderful, loving, caring young man.  I think maybe he showed too much care for us and his wife was angry.  Maybe he's ill.  I'm grabbing hold of anything I can.  We were grreat parents.