What makes your son afraid to be alone with you? (Grown, married son)

[barelythere]

I'm afraid there is something wrong with our son. We saw him tonight and he is like a different person. I no longer take this personally, this is the part of this wonderful website that has made the difference with me.  He is quiet, not the life of the party, no longer the greatest personality on the planet.  Very subdued, almost introverted.  It breaks my heart because I don't know what it is.  I know it isn't us and even if a tiny bit is, that's okay, I am different.  I sat there and thought, "wait a minute, people like me, I have a great personality (I do and even if my words don't reflect it here always, I do anyway) so I just was myself and had a good time. There were others there too so I talked to all of them who were so glad to see me.  Funny thing is, this former King of the World, our son, was not like that.  I think I told you all about his breaking down when he was trying to get his family together to meet another family member and his family.  Crying is not something he ever did before.  I might never know what it is but it's not me, not us.  For that, I'm grateful.  I thought while I was there how much I had learned.  I don't have to let them get me down.  It's not aimed at me anyway.  It isn't about me. I GET IT!!  YAYAYAYAYAYAAYAY!!!!!!  What a victory!! 

Thank you for mentioning this in the forum.  It had such a huge impact on me last night. I still need it to continue through the day. I think it will....I have changed and for the better.

[cremebrulee]

Pen I suspect DS & DIL have been to counseling because DIL has been willing to join DS on visits lately. She's still not apologized, just acts like nothing happened. We're cautiously optimistic that things will work out. DS seems happier.

Ohhhh Pen, I really do hope so....

Pen, she may never apologize....don't hold onto it....be optimistic in the stead for the good that happens, and remember, there will be set backs, but they come less and less....while you strengthen and grow along with them....

I'm so happy for you.....

thank you for sharing this....

Creme

[Barbie]

------As for my DH, I still haven't figured out why he doesn't want a relationship with his P's.  I swear I haven't brainwashed him, I don't bad-mouth them, but my family *IS* pretty awesome.  So maybe he's seen how other families can be, and he's found his wanting?  I don't know.  I do know that he doesn't think of buying them little gifts, he doesn't think of sending them cards and he waits until the last minute to buy them Christmas/birthday gifts.  He doesn't think to call them to share what's going on in our lives.  I think it's because when he does call, he gets ragged on for not calling sooner, more often, whatever.  It doesn't sound like they're actually HAPPY to speak with him.  He doesn't even think to mention them in conversation, telling stories about them, or bringing them up.  I swear I don't roll my eyes or sigh or anything.  In fact, I often 'think' of bringing them up in conversation, but I stop myself to see if *he* will and he just doesn't.  So from this end either, I don't know-----

Scoop, maybe your DH doesn't need his parents in his life anymore, he's gotten used to not having them around, not talking to them. That's the reason why I didn't want to let go for so long. When someone dear to you dies it's devatating at first but as time goes by you learn to live with their absence and I was afraid the same thing would happen with our DS, out of sight out of mind, I fought it for so long until I finally realized how much it was hurting me and little by little I started to let go. I really don't know how he feels about us, it seems to me that he very desperately wants to have a relationship with us, he calls me everyday but for me I don't feel the need to see him on a regular basis anymore, heaing his voice is enough for now, I'm not proud of this, it saddens me and I hope someday we can be close again, for now I have to be content knowing that he's alive and well. Our family is pretty neat also, we have a blast whenever we're together, however when DS is around I can tell he feels out of place, he's no longer the life of the party. It's sad but it is what it is.

[barelythere]

Really heartbreaking, Guest and I can relate.  You either let go or die and I guess since it's not my time to go, I'll just keep on.  I think when someone doesn't call or come around, you might tend to "rag on them or at least ask them why?  Why, when you gave them everything you had and now, nothing?  It makes me think of a spoiled brat who got what he wanted and is through with the one who gave the goods to him.  Pretty devastating....it makes you hope their journey doesn't repeat itself in their future life, but it will.   

[Pen]

Yes, if we'd only known would it have helped us prepare for what has happened? I honestly believed only truly heinous parents/MILs were treated this way, so I resolved to be one of the good ones. Who knew?

BT, I agree - my DS acted like he was entitled at first, but now he seems more appreciative of us. Maybe in time your DS will see it too.

I agree, Guest, that we don't want them to forget about us if we don't stay in touch regularly. A friend told me of her brothers, their wives and her mom...similar stories, but her mom called each brother once a week no matter what. My friend's advice is to contact him and not worry about what he or DIL think. In my case once a week is probably too much, but I can see how it feels.

And Guest, I'm so so sorry to hear about the change in your DS. I hope he finds his center again.