Author Topic: Why do I feel this way?  (Read 1487 times)

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Offline Barbie

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Why do I feel this way?
« on: September 09, 2010, 09:23:07 PM »
I just found out that DS and DIL have a will where they name DIL’s friend and husband our GD’s legal guardians should something happen to them.  Deep down I know this is a good thing and I’m impressed that they thought about doing this already at their young age, I’m also relieved that they named someone outside DIL’s family, very smart, but also, in a way, I feel left out. It's like I fear if something happened to them we'd never get to see GD as we really don't know these people, at the same time I know she's their daughter and it's none of my business what they do.  Any positive thoughts anyone? Thanks.

cadagi101

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2010, 12:09:21 AM »
guest 1, you are a bit down at the moment.    You can't be worried about this.   If it were me that was the legal guardian for a friends children I would absolutely be very open to the children spending time with their grandparents and I can't believe anyone wouldn't have that opinion.    You would feel a bit sad at the moment, no-one likes to have to face the possibility that someday they may lose loved ones.    When it is forced on us to think of young parents dying who have young children it is very distressing.   I guarantee you will feel better tommorrow.

Offline Barbie

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2010, 06:38:32 AM »
I think what it is is that I'm feeling rejected by my son again. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't feel this way but so much has happened between us that I don't even know him anymore. He didn't even tell us about this, I found out by accident. DIL's family knew though. That's what really hurts.

cremebrulee

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2010, 07:00:23 AM »
I think what it is is that I'm feeling rejected by my son again. Under normal circumstances I wouldn't feel this way but so much has happened between us that I don't even know him anymore. He didn't even tell us about this, I found out by accident. DIL's family knew though. That's what really hurts.

yes, it does hurt...terrible...it actually makes you sick inside, upsets your entire system....and to find out from someone else is horrible....hearing it from son, would have been worse, but to have them know, is embarrassing and makes you feel so unworthy and you wonder what they're perspective of you is, do they think I'm a horrible person....

well, you can't control what people think or do....but what you can do is not give them that power.  I know you think it's easy for me to say, don't let it tear you up....and it is easy for me to say....however, know that your first and foremost concern is you....it has to be....you are the only one you can rely on....you cannot base your happiness on the thoughts and actions of other people.....not everyone is going to like you anyway....and you are not going to like everyone either, however, if this were happening on a socialable level, you could keep a distance, but this is family so how does one cope?  Time....take this time to rediscover who you are...and let it ride for as long as it takes....time has a natural process, and amazingly, times seems to know us each individually and allows us what we need.  When we try and force things, it never works out....but when we dit back self examine and are able to view things from a whole different perspective, things start falling into place.

I'm going to tell you a little secret....when my DIL & I were having problems, it was when I cared less about my DIL or the problem, that she would surprise me and call?  Honest, it was true....I wasn't focused on the problem, I wasn't replaying it over and over in my head, I  wasn't pushing myself on her or trying so hard I appreared to be a pain in the butt....it was when I was preoccupied and happy and maybe planning a weekend away, or spending time with friends...the only way to get ahead of this hurt, is to keep busy....and start planning things, for oneself, no matter how little, b/c it is a sort of practice...a work in progress, and it takes time, it doesn't happen over night.....it takes each of us, in our own time, as much time as we need....so, start to let them go....in your mind...let them go and don't allow them to hurt you, go forward, and use this time for YOU....we as human beings need to step out of our comfort zone, b/c if we don't we get in a big rut....same ol thing over and over again....we don't realize it, but we become boared...our worlds become very uneventful and dull....so we start to obsess on things that seem huge but are not....not that this problem with your children isn't huge, but what we do when we obess is blow it out of porportion and start imagining things that are not there, I did....I really believed and I'm embarrassed to say, my DIL was dysfunctional...she hated me, she did things deliberately to hurt me, she this or that, and none of the above were nice thoughts....I even wondered if she hit my son, b/c I saw her temper....which was so far fetched....I'll tell you, I saw it all...and yes, I did see a temper b/c she was always so darn nervous around me, afraid of me...sick of the arguing with her husband...sick of it sounding to her as if he were siding with me....and honey, I can't blame her.....I was in that same place....she was imagining all kinds of horrible things about me...she thought the very same things about me....

I'm not saying this is your problem but using this as an example to show you, how we can obsess....it's very unhealthy, to live it, talk it, walk it, and dream it....go to sleep with it on your mind.

The only answer I can offer is, fight it with all your might....you can and will if you try...and it is a very slow reconditioning process, however, you can do it, there isn't anything we can't do if we put our minds down to it.....but live, don't allow this to eat you alive....fight it, with all your might.

hugs
creme

miss_priss

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2010, 08:48:57 AM »
Hi Guest1 - I've heard nearly the exact same complaint from several grandmothers.  Please understand beforehand that I do not mean to invalidate your hurt feelings over this, but I do think I can shed some light on this for you.

As a young mother myself, if something were to happen to DH and I suddenly, I do not my parents NOR his parents as the primary guardians of our daughter, and DH and I agree on that.  And surprisingly, it has nothing to do with my MIL being.....well, whatever she is; but rather it has to do with the idea that my parents, and his too, have already raised their children.  They are older, some of them have chronic illnesses....and simply put, I just don't wish to burden any of them with raising another child in old age.  That being said, that doesn't mean that grandparents and other family would be cut out of the picture if anything were to happen to us....well, 3 out of 4 anyway.

When DH and I made my life-long best friend and her husband (both of whom I have known my entire 30 years) Godparents, my MIL went ballistic and stormed out of the church (big surprise there).  I know you won't do that.  Try giving it some time, and try to see things from another perspective. 

I hope you will feel better about it.  :)   
   

Offline Barbie

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2010, 10:27:50 AM »
Thank you ladies, it was just the initial shock to find out that DS would keep something as important as this from us.

Miss _Priss, thank you. It helps to know I'm not the only one to have this reaction at first. I've always been a very confident person, all these insecurities come from all the problems we've had, not being able to see GD, etc. I don't want to have to raise a child at this stage in my life, I raised three and now I really enjoy my free time. Things are looking a bit better between us, (I'm afraid to get too excited), we're going to see eachother again this weekend.
Hugs.

barelythere

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2010, 10:59:30 AM »
Guest, any human being would feel this way.  Mothers are damned to being Mothers always.  It is beyond galling to find your own son allowing his wife to treat you with disrespect.  Normal, human reaction to a disfunctional situation.  Now, why would my son marry someone so disfunctional?  That's what I worrry about.   Creme, I appreciate all you say.  You have evolved to a higher state than many of us and I applaud you.  My DIL is not an insecure person, she is a cruel person who wants to be worshipped.  I have tried that, worshipping her, but it's never enough.  There are some friends she has who do worship (not literally but you know what I mean).  It's like when you have a baby and you'll move mountains for that one little smile from them.  She has some who scurry around hoping for a "atta girl" from her.  One false move and you're out.  I guess that is some sort of insecurity but let me tell ya, she has no idea what insecurity is.

cremebrulee

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2010, 11:22:36 AM »
Quote
barelythere
Creme, I appreciate all you say.  You have evolved to a higher state than many of us and I applaud you.
 

I appreciate your ability to understand me....and thank you...it means a lot, I know it must be really hard sometime for you ladies not to get upset with me....and you probably feel like I'm siding with the others and I'm not....honest

however, this isn't a higher state...you see, I can't fix any of your problems, I wish more then anything else, I could....all I can do, is try and help you heal and go foreward by looking at what options you do have, rather then concentrating on what right now, can't be fixed, but that doesn't mean it will always be this way....and ...to find happiness outside of this problem, and maybe, in time, it will heal itself....

in my situation, we both matured....and we mutually wanted it to work out....two people made the problem, two people have to work it out, it can't be one sided....as well as, timing, because both parties have to want it, otherwise, it can't be done. 
so, please know I'm in your court

Guest, I'm not saying your feelings are not valid...they are and they're real and very important....

Hugs
Creme

« Last Edit: September 10, 2010, 11:25:27 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Pooh

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2010, 11:32:24 AM »
Guest, I totally understand that it is hard not to feel slighted, even when you know it is best and I think it is because we are already hurt by their behaviors.  If you had an excellent relationship with them, it probably wouldn't have bothered you at all because you would have felt relief.  But because of our relationships with them, in our heads, the first reaction is one of "well just another slight to me."  Been there...done that...got the t-shirt  :D

I agree with Miss Priss, I did the same thing as a young Mother.  Both our parents were older and I didn't want to burden them with the expense or stress of young children at their ages, so I appointed my best friend and husband.  My Mother was totally relieved, my MIL mad as a hornet!  My Mother and I have a great relationship, my MIL (at the time) did not get along very well, but she was always allowed to see her GC.  I just bit my tongue a lot. 

I would be willing to bet, since they didn't appoint her family either...that was their thought process too.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

barelythere

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2010, 11:42:37 AM »
Creme,
I think you are so dear and have come from a bad place to victory.  I am happy for you but you can see that some of us are in the land of the living dead and can't seem to get out so I think I for one am just jealous of you.  I'm really happy for you, Creme and you keep us sane and give us all hope.  Keep up the good work.  :)  Heaven knows we need you.

cremebrulee

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2010, 11:46:32 AM »
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barelythere
Creme,
I think you are so dear and have come from a bad place to victory.  I am happy for you but you can see that some of us are in the land of the living dead and can't seem to get out so I think I for one am just jealous of you.  I'm really happy for you, Creme and you keep us sane and give us all hope.  Keep up the good work.  :)  Heaven knows we need you.

well, now you've done it, you've bought me to tears... :'(

happy ones.... :D

can't thank you enough!

barelythere

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2010, 11:48:46 AM »
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barelythere
Creme,
I think you are so dear and have come from a bad place to victory.  I am happy for you but you can see that some of us are in the land of the living dead and can't seem to get out so I think I for one am just jealous of you.  I'm really happy for you, Creme and you keep us sane and give us all hope.  Keep up the good work.  :)  Heaven knows we need you.

well, now you've done it, you've bought me to tears... :'(

happy ones.... :D

can't thank you enough!

well, it's true..that's why you're here to give us hope.  We Mothers are the saddest group sometimes, not knowing what to do when this happens. This  is our only outlet and here you are giving us comfort. Thank you!

cadagi101

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2010, 05:19:49 PM »
here here from me to xxx

1Glitterati

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2010, 05:35:04 PM »
I would second what Miss Priss and Pooh said.  We also named friends as the guardians for our children.

Dh's parents are older and mine have chronic, possibly terminal health conditions.  We also have two very active youngsters and with the health and age of both sets of parents I could see where things in my children's lives would be curtailed because the grandparents couldn't do what needed to be done.  We made our decision based on what was in the best interest of the kids---not anyone's feelings.  It was strictly a practical decision.

Offline Pen

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Re: Why do I feel this way?
« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2010, 12:26:26 AM »
I think the big issue was being told by a third party instead of by DS & DIL. DIL's FOO knew, but DS's didn't.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb