Author Topic: Abuse is never OK  (Read 649 times)

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Sunny1

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Abuse is never OK
« on: September 08, 2010, 09:09:08 PM »
I'm sorry ladies, I wasn't quite sure where to put this topic. My heart has been aching all week and with the odd family circumstances involved,  I kind of feel like I can't openly grieve.

My paternal uncle married, had three children with, then divorced, and eventually  remarried my aunt. During the time they were divorced, my uncle married a widowed mother who had one daughter whom I'll call "Z". Z was 1 year younger than my twin sis and I, and because my aunt had custody of my biological cousins, my uncle often had us over as playmates for our new step-cousin Z. We were about ten years old at the time, innocent giggling little girls, oblivious to the realities of the adult situations around us.

My uncle divorced Z's mom and remarried my aunt. For many years I never understood what happened and it was never discussed.  For my aunt and cousins,  Z and her mother were a wound, for me they were family that were suddenly ripped away.

I often wondered over the years how Z was doing, and my twin had chance run-ins with her and was able to catch up. Z had grown into being an amazingly beautiful woman.

This past weekend the unthinkable happened.  Z was living with her boyfriend who had a history of mental instability, he trained in mixed martial arts, and it was also already known that he abused her. After returning home from a night out with her girlfriends, Z was met by her boyfriends jealous rage. A violent and brutal fight that left evidence of their struggle, started on the main floor of their home and ended in the upstairs bedroom, where her body was later found.

The murder has shaken our small community. It's been nearly two decades since something like this has happened around here, it's generally a very safe place to be. As a survivor of abuse,  I know how difficult it can be to leave your abuser, but I had a child to think about too. Z didn't.  I can't imagine what held her in such a terrible situation, the typical cycle of abuse was there, she would brag about the new expensive purse that boyfriend bought her on her Facebook page, but it was so easy to tell he wasn't the type of guy that would regularly buy lavish gifts without cause. She eventually canceled her Facebook page because of all of the "drama."

Thanks for listening ladies. I know I just needed a few ears and shoulders to cry on.  :'(

cadagi101

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Re: Abuse is never OK
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2010, 09:47:00 PM »
Thanks for listening ladies. I know I just needed a few ears and shoulders to cry on.  :'(
That is really terrible, so very sad, just come here when yoiu feel the need, it helps.

cremebrulee

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Re: Abuse is never OK
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2010, 06:27:04 AM »
yes, a very very tragic story....

we who were abused as children, sometimes, gravitate towards people who will continue the abuse, b/c we know no better at the time.  Abuse causes us to have very little confidence in ourselves, and we're used to being abused, therefore, we deem it normal....we fear leaving, b/c we are co-dependent...and abuse can kill, if not physically, mentally, it drives us to loose our identities, purpose, and any self respect. 

People always say, "Why didn't they or don't they leave"  Why do they put up with it...well, when you grow up a victim of abuse...it becomes your way of life.

I hear people talk about what wonderful husbands they have, and how loyal they are, etc.  I never knew a good man, so I have no idea what I'm missing.  It's no big thing to me....and when I say that people feel sorry for me...so I don't say it much....however, how can you miss what you've never known? 

My cousin, well, when we were kids, we were sitting on a little foot bridge fishing...and he said....I feel really bad for you, cuz you don't have a father....I looked at him, and told him not to feel badly....it's something I don't miss, cuz I've never had one...and it's ok, I'm fine, I reasssured him.  And I was, honestly. 

And I'm fine now, however, there are times, not many, but some isolated times, when I really wish I'd have known a good man....and what it's really like to be loved....unconditionally....? 

However, I found fulfillment in tons of other things and found beauty in life...so, I'm ok...really, but there are those who have been victims of abuse, that have not survived, and are mentally in need of help...they feel alone, and are afraid....and fear that no one will believe them, remember, an abuser is and can be, very manipulative and convincing.....so, believe, there are many reasons why people do things, and not just one isolated reason....but victims of abusers are trapped in a place they don't know how to get out of.

This same identical story happend to one of my girlfriend's friend's son's daughter.....and at family gtherings, she'd have bruises, which she simply laughed off, by saying she had fallen....however, people heard him say to her once, "if you talk like that again, I'll kill you?"  And he did....eventually....the stories vary some, but are still very much the same....in many ways....so, encourage those who you know are being abused to get out...and be supportive...understanding and open to they're plights, it's not an easy one....

God bless you and your family....this is not easy to get thru....she was someone's daughter, friend and relative....and your family will be asking itself a whole lot of "if onlys".  It's very very sad.  Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Hugs and love
Creme

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Re: Abuse is never OK
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2010, 06:54:32 AM »
How horrible Sunny for all involved.  Many, many hugs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell