Author Topic: What do you remember about you & your MIL?  (Read 3896 times)

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cremebrulee

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What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« on: August 27, 2010, 06:32:58 AM »
I was 17 when I married to get away from home.  We ran away to get married, and my MIL was a dear sweet loving wife....however, they were very rich, and she was used to having what she wanted and giving to her children....they didn't want for anything....

So after we were married, we had huge problems....she was so interferring....so smothering...and thought she was my mother....she even used to call us on Sunday's and ask why we were not in church.  So we changed churches and she called us every sunday to check to see if we went.  Oh the list goes on and on....I tried talking to her about all this towards the end, and told her we were going to counseling....we did, and the counselor told my husband, he had to break away. 

Now me, I was so young, immature, controlling, wanted to set up housekeeping and do things my own way...even if they were wrong....Now, looking back, there were of course, things I gave her a hard time about that I shouldn't have...there were times when I would get very angry with her....like the time, she came over, took the baby and never said a word to me until I saw they were gone....that was mean....however, we worked it out....because we were both willing....but we discussed it...like the counselor said....

she took it hard...at times....but she was willing to listen...and she did slowly take a step back....I love her to this day....she is a strong willed woman, but she was instrumental in helping me be the woman I am today....and oh boy, did we have our differences....but long story short, I know where she was coming from.... ;D

Does anyone else remember?

I'd love to hear your stories about MIL and you....

Offline Scoop

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #1 on: August 27, 2010, 07:48:25 AM »
Oh Creme!  I don't think you want to hear about my MIL!

* I had a whole post outlining all of my grievances against my MIL and then I thought better of it.

It comes down to the fact that my MIL and I got along when I went along with everything she wanted and liked.  As soon as I demonstrated that I was different and like different things and stood up for myself as a Person, our relationship went downhill.

I would also say that MIL never got to know me as a person.  She could not tell you anything personal about me, where I went to University, what degree I have, what foods I like, what foods I dislike, or even my age and birth date.  And I've been married for 12 years now.

I have to say that one of my most strident memories of MIL was a few weeks before we got married.  She asked us what we expected them to say in their speech, I said "Oh, the usual stuff we'd like to welcome Scoop to our family ..." and she said "What if we don't mean that?"  Ok, ha-ha!  But then we were talking about my cousin's wedding (the week before) and MIL asked what the POG said in their speech and I said "Oh, the usual, we'd like to welcome Cousin to our family..." and MIL repeated "Well, what if we don't mean that?"  Not so funny the second time.

I think that might have been the beginning of the end for us.  And the funny thing is that MIL would DENY ever saying those words.  She would vehemently argue that she "wouldn't" say anything like that.  Except I know she did.  I could even tell you where we were sitting when she said it.  I think this is why I'm suspicious when a MIL on this board says that they've done NOTHING to deserve the treatment they're getting.   I think that hurtful things get said "off the cuff" that damage the relationship, sometimes without the person even being aware of it.  And I'm sure it goes both ways too.

cremebrulee

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #2 on: August 27, 2010, 07:52:18 AM »
Oh Creme!  I don't think you want to hear about my MIL!

* I had a whole post outlining all of my grievances against my MIL and then I thought better of it.

It comes down to the fact that my MIL and I got along when I went along with everything she wanted and liked.  As soon as I demonstrated that I was different and like different things and stood up for myself as a Person, our relationship went downhill.

I would also say that MIL never got to know me as a person.  She could not tell you anything personal about me, where I went to University, what degree I have, what foods I like, what foods I dislike, or even my age and birth date.  And I've been married for 12 years now.

I have to say that one of my most strident memories of MIL was a few weeks before we got married.  She asked us what we expected them to say in their speech, I said "Oh, the usual stuff we'd like to welcome Scoop to our family ..." and she said "What if we don't mean that?"  Ok, ha-ha!  But then we were talking about my cousin's wedding (the week before) and MIL asked what the POG said in their speech and I said "Oh, the usual, we'd like to welcome Cousin to our family..." and MIL repeated "Well, what if we don't mean that?"  Not so funny the second time.

I think that might have been the beginning of the end for us.  And the funny thing is that MIL would DENY ever saying those words.  She would vehemently argue that she "wouldn't" say anything like that.  Except I know she did.  I could even tell you where we were sitting when she said it.  I think this is why I'm suspicious when a MIL on this board says that they've done NOTHING to deserve the treatment they're getting.   I think that hurtful things get said "off the cuff" that damage the relationship, sometimes without the person even being aware of it.  And I'm sure it goes both ways too.

sheesh, talk about Narrow minded....was her son there when she said that?

if he was, he should have really given her a verbal whatfore and said, "I never want to hear you talk like that to my wife again"....

and yes, of course it would have been damaged....she wanted it to be....how dare she be so cruel....??????


1Glitterati

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #3 on: August 27, 2010, 01:55:11 PM »
What I remember about my mil is that I once truly loved her.  Truly.  I used to feel smug for me and sorry for other people when they complained about their mil.  I loved her for a very long time--nearly 20 years.

It turned to hate in a matter of weeks.  Hate coupled with nearly mind bending rage.  (Oh...and fil was included, too---but I held her more responsible and blamed her more (fair or not) because of the relationship I had with her before.)

Now...it's mainly indifference.  Most times I just don't care about her at all.  Don't love her, don't hate her.  (Same for fil.)

Offline Barbie

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #4 on: August 27, 2010, 04:17:26 PM »
My MIL died nine months after DH and I were married. She was very easy going and very nice to me, I must add that DH is the youngest and was very much a mama's boy but I really didn't mind, I was raised believing that a good son makes a good husband and he is a wonderful husband and father. My Dh's oldest sister is a lot like your MILs, she's manipulative, bossy, etc., we don't always agree on everything but we know our boundaries and have always worked out our differences, there's nothing we wouldn't do for eachother.

Isn't that what relashionships are all about? Even our DH's sometimes do and say things that we don't like or hurt us but we don't always get a divorce, we work it out or simply agree to disagree so why can't MILs and DILs do the same?

Offline Pen

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2010, 10:23:25 PM »
Good point, Guest1..I guess it has to do with what each party has to lose in a break up. Couples work it out because they both see the benefit.

Scoop, I can assure you that I have done nothing wrong; DIL has said so repeatedly. She just prefers her own family and wants DS to like them best as well. Your suspicions may be right in many cases, but not in mine  :)

I've had 2 MILs. The first was very controlling, smothering and mean, and I vowed to never be like her. The second was sweet, helpful, kind, and accepting (not at all interfering or smothering) although there were many reasons for her to not accept me into the family (religious differences, etc.) She focused on our shared interests and chose to ignore the rest, as did I. She passed away a few years ago and DH's dad's new wife is rather cold and manipulative. I don't know her very well & don't really consider her my MIL since we're kind of way past that.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

1Glitterati

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2010, 08:36:26 AM »
Good point, Guest1..I guess it has to do with what each party has to lose in a break up. Couples work it out because they both see the benefit.

Thank you for putting that into words for me.  It's what I've been trying to say but couldn't get right.  (I feel kind of duh-ish now.)

CarolN

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2010, 08:06:51 AM »
Unfortunately my MIL passed away 3 years before DH and I got married. I do remember though that she didn't approve of our dating because I was younger than DH (I was 14 and he was 19)---although as I grown up (LOL) I do understand her concerns. Wish she would have been here to see what a wonderful husband and father he became.

Offline Barbie

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #8 on: August 29, 2010, 09:10:27 AM »
Pen,what you said makes sense, I guess I've just never been put in that position.
I also wish my MIL would have been here to see the wonderful son she raised.

Offline Pen

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #9 on: August 29, 2010, 10:43:36 AM »
Thanks, Glitter & Guest. I can't speak for all MILs, but in my case I have a reason to work it out (DS & future GCs) but DIL doesn't (she has a perfectly fine FOO & doesn't see any need for us at all.) Since she "runs the show" you can understand where that leaves us :(

What I don't understand is how she can love DS, and she truly does seem devoted, but resent his FOO's presence in his life. Sometimes it seems that for her a DH is like a material possession, something that helps define her the way a  car or house might. She's making sure he's polished and tidy so others will be impressed by her fabulous choice. We're the old french fries under the seat or the trash in the attic, to carry out that analogy :)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Barbie

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #10 on: August 29, 2010, 12:21:06 PM »
Again, I didn't express myself correctly. I'm on the same boat as you Pen. In my case DIL and her mother run the show and we have to be happy with what we get which isn't much. As a DIL/SIL, it has never crossed my mind to write anybody off, we've been fortunate to be able to get along.
I know DS would like to have us in his life a lot more but DIL makes sure he has a busy schedule.
You sound like a very nice and reasonable person and I really hope that things continue to get better for you.

Offline Pen

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2010, 08:00:24 PM »
Thanks, Guest1. You sound like a reasonable person yourself. I hope that you, too, can find peace and joy in your situation however it may twist and turn in the future :) And we thought driving them all around to all their activities and making sure their homework was done was the tough part of parenting, LOL!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Nana

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2010, 12:22:44 AM »
My mother in law has always been my second mother.  It has a lot to do in the fact that he was the only son.  When I married my husband he was studying to be a doctor and she always saw how I supported him through all these hard years.  She evens credits me for my hubby being able to finish his career.    When my children were born...she was very supportive in all aspets. -emotional and financially.   She use to express her opinion regarding the way we were doing things with the children but she respected and abide by our decision.  I never mind hearing what she had to say because she did not try to impose things upon us.  Besides she helped me so much and I welcome her orientation.   She was never over us all the time.  She was always at her home and we were the ones that visited her any time we wanted and she always received us with open arms.  She used to get along wonderful with my mom and people even said my mom and mother in law looked alike. 

My mom died many years ago but my mil even helped me through the process of accepting mom would soon died after a painful battle against cancer.

I had problems with husband about 10 years ago with my husband in his mid-life crisis and she stood there for me and against him. 

What else could I asked for....she still loves me and of course loves her daughters and son more but I think that after her children, I am the person she loves the most. 

She likes to play slots in Casinos and I take her often.  When she needs something she calls me to help her out more than her own children.   She has been a blessing for me.


That is why I have never understood why do we now have problems with dill  What changed?

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
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Sunny1

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2010, 06:44:06 AM »


It comes down to the fact that my MIL and I got along when I went along with everything she wanted and liked.  As soon as I demonstrated that I was different and like different things and stood up for myself as a Person, our relationship went downhill.

I would also say that MIL never got to know me as a person.  She could not tell you anything personal about me, where I went to University, what degree I have, what foods I like, what foods I dislike, or even my age and birth date.  And I've been married for 12 years now.
I think that might have been the beginning of the end for us.  And the funny thing is that MIL would DENY ever saying those words.  She would vehemently argue that she "wouldn't" say anything like that.  Except I know she did.  I could even tell you where we were sitting when she said it.  I think this is why I'm suspicious when a MIL on this board says that they've done NOTHING to deserve the treatment they're getting.   I think that hurtful things get said "off the cuff" that damage the relationship, sometimes without the person even being aware of it.  And I'm sure it goes both ways too

Scoop, I hear you loud and clear on this. Isn't it remarkable how we van manage to remember the tiniest details when someone else burns us, but the perpetrator manages to conveniently forget or outright deny it ever happened? 

My DH and I invited his parents over for the 4th of July for a BBQ at our house last month. It was the first time they been to our home in nearly a year, but DH and I agreed that we needed to take baby steps toward reconciling with narcissistic,  controlling no, so inviting them to our home turf would keep some measurement of control for us


Things went extremely well, I was surprised,  until several days later we received a 'ThankYou' from her, which in itself isn't shocking.  She's a prim and proper woman who loves to put on the show that she's always doing the right thing. Anyway,  this is the woman who ruined literally every single thing about our wedding so badly that I genuinely haven't a single good memory about it...and she knows it.
So after the 4th of July, she sends a thank-you note, on a bridal shower thank-you you card, complete with the little 'love' stamp, thanking us for inviting her to our BBQ,  and gushing about the wonderful opportunity to 'make a memory '.

I really just wanted to slap her. She's so conniving. I really don't have a single good memory of her. My DH threw the card out, he could see but the actual card and what she wrote that it was all a little dig from her, but she'll be the first to turn around and say that she did the proper thing, because she sent a card, she'll deny, deny, deny that it was sent in such a hurtful manner. (I still cry over our defunct weddding.)
 :'(

neecee

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Re: What do you remember about you & your MIL?
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2010, 11:54:55 AM »
Oh dear.  I am so sorry you were hurt over this.  I cringe because I did almost the same thing to my DIL/Son, thinking loving thoughts when I sent it.

I found a sack with a lot of cards I bought for future events...each had been carefully chosen and the sack had been promptly misplaced.

I found the sack about 9 months later and although those special birthdays and the DIL/Son wedding had already been celebrated with other cards, I decided to send those cards as well, even though they were very late. 

I wrote those cards with love and the same sentiment in which I purchased them.  I also wrote in them that I wish I had found those earlier, but loved them and sent them anyway.  I never even received acknowledgement.  I am just heartsick that something so trivial might have caused more reason for dil and son to hate us. :'( 

I heard research that indicated, we will find proof to support the ideas we  believe to be true.  New information doesn't really change our minds.  I am inclined to agree.