Author Topic: Useful Book  (Read 8132 times)

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Sunny1

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Useful Book
« on: August 17, 2010, 10:23:38 AM »
I know I'm a newbie and a DIL that's swimming in a pool of mostly MIL's, but I'm also the mother of a teenage son and I know that someday he will marry. My prayers for him have always been for his health and safety, and that his eyes will always be open to the truth. I'm ever more praying though that I will not become a MIL toward any future DIL of mine like my MIL is towards me.

That being said, I wanted to share a book that was extremely helpful to both my DH and I. I don't intend this to be a MIL basher, but an eye opener.

The book is:  Toxic In-Laws by Susan Froward, PhD

I know that my story, as is everyone else's,  is unique.  My MIL truly is bipolar and I personally believe she's genuinely narcissistic, but this is also the woman that raised my DH, so her behavior was his normal. He really didn't know any different and refused to believe any different either. He was raised to believe that everyone else lived in dysfunctional families except for them, they were perfect. My DH was 27 before he read this book and found out that his "perfect " world was just as imperfect as the rest of ours except he had spent the last 27 years being manipulated.

cremebrulee

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2010, 10:27:56 AM »
Hi Sunny1 and welcome

thanks so much for this and please, please feel free to post whenever you need to....yu are not only swimming among mil's as there are a lot of dil's here to....
thanks so much for coming in and for this reading tool.

Offline Pooh

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2010, 10:57:51 AM »
Welcome Sunny! Thanks for the book suggestion and as an MIL I can tell you that I appreciate the DILs in here taking the time to help us as well.  I like to read things like this because sometimes I go, "Uh oh...I do that."
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

miss_priss

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2010, 12:02:09 PM »
Hi Sunny!  I've read that book, DH and I both did, when were were facing issues with his mother.  It really is a great tool, but not only for it's values ith ILs, but for its value in facing anyone who poisons your spirit (coworkers, acquaintences, etc.). 

Lots of great tools in that book...thanks for posting.  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2010, 12:34:36 PM »
Yes, that's a good one! However we are raised, that's the norm. My mother never touched me or said she loved me. I didn't miss it because I didn't  know any better. The time comes, however, when we find out and need to commit to healing. Sending love.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Sunny1

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2010, 01:07:57 PM »
Luise, I absolutely agree. My DH and I are are still in the healing phase. Acknowledgement and acceptance were the biggest hurdles for my DH and our relationship has suffered dearly due to his prolonged lack of acknowledgment of her behavior and motives. The book was an eye-opener to him because he began to see his mother's exact behavior oozing from nearly every chapter.

We've since worked on reading books on narcissism as we kind of think that's her main underlying issue, but its not easy. He was raised to always put both his mother's and sister's feelings first for everything, so its perpetuating. His sister is also a selfish, entitled person that has always manipulated both DH and his dad.

I couldn't imagine ever walking all over my son in the way she has done to hers. We really want to eventually find a way to have peace with her, but there's still a part of me that still just wants to bash her with a baseball bat and bang a little sense into her. ;) ...Don't worry...I really wouldn't do that.


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2010, 01:15:51 PM »
Yes, finding peace is the goal. However, there are people we can't find peace with because they can't find peace within themselves. Unfortunately, it ends up having to be a unilateral experience.

You are doing great work!
« Last Edit: October 24, 2010, 09:53:40 AM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

miss_priss

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2010, 01:35:54 PM »
Oh Sunny - if it were only that easy.  :)

It is frustrating, loving a man who already has a wife in his mother.  When they discover what a real, loving, compromising, husband/wife relationship is supposed to be like, they begin to slowly withdraw from Mom...and that's generally where the friction begins.  For folks like this, the DIL is to blame for that withdrawal almost instantly, I think because it's difficult, even impossible for them to see the damage they've done already.  And even the mere idea that they no longer have that control over their sons is apocolyptic in thier minds.  I could have written every word of what you wrote myself, and you will be surprised how many DILs there are on this forum facing the exact same issues with passive-aggressive, narcissistic, and/or just plain nasty-hearted MILs.  We're not alone! 

It helps me to be on this forum, to read the wise words of the MILs on here and their infinite waterfall of input is refreshing.  The positivity and encouragement is amazing, and I hope you feel that too.  It helps me to know that there are MILs out there who really wanted to have that good relationship, but weren't afforded that opportunity.  I would love to have just about any one of the MILs here as my MIL. 

I don't have all the answers on how to deal with my MIL, but I'm in a similar boat with you...I'd like to someday have a relationship with my MIL, but right now DH and I are healing and trying to repair our own relationship from the damage she caused.  Maybe someday.  But it goes for any "poisonous" passers-through in our lives...all we can do is pity them for all they are losing out on by being the way they are.  Their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, friends, and other family members alike have to suffer because of them.  But you're right, hating them brings nothing positive, nor does bashing their heads in....as good as that sounds sometimes!  So all we can do is cope with the loss, and that's where the encouragement of these ladies is so priceless. 

Welcome Sunny - I'm glad you're here.  :)     

Sunny1

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2010, 04:38:11 PM »
Thanks for the warm welcome ladies.   ;D


LavenderBoundaries

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Hi All,

I am a future DIL and just finished reading this book! I knew about the book before joining this forum.  Believe me, it has done wonders to understanding the Kung-Fu grip my future MIL has on her son (She is a single mother and his the only child).  As the book outlines, she is a classic "Rejector" of me and our relationship.  Thank God for Dr. Forward's work because I thought I did something wrong and really most difficult MIL are fighting "demons" that have nothing to do with the DIL.

I highly recommend this book to DIL, MIL, and the sons that feel like they are in the tug of war.  Although, my partner is/has been wonderful at beginning to see how toxic his mother is to him and our relationship.  He understands that in preparing for a healthy marriage & immediate family that I, his future wife-not his mother, is his number one priority.  She has enjoyed and done a wonderful job raising this brilliant and compassionate man, and that I am forever grateful.  But for the last 28 years she has been number one-key word-been. His mother is fighting that fact.  I also realize that my mother, his future MIL is no saint either.  My mother suffers from Narcissism!  I have been setting firm and loving boundaries with her to minimize her toxic influence on me and my relationship with him.

I hope that others that have read this book, maybe we can dialogue and show support in this difficult time.

Thanks for sharing Sunny1

Faithlooksup

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2010, 05:13:28 PM »
 "I'm ever more praying though that I will not become a MIL toward any future DIL of mine like my MIL is towards me."

Hi Sunny~~~I had the "worst" MIL that walked the face of the earth!!!  I also promised myself I would never be like her and I am not!!!  For we learn thru them to be great MIL's and you will be...

Hugs...Faith

cadagi101

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2011, 09:26:52 PM »
Hi,  I just discovered a book while looking for in Sheeps clothing on ebay.  (It abeen highly reccommended on WWU. 

The book I also found on ebay and i have only ordered it which may be of interest is called Emotional Vampires by Albert J Bernstein.


This is what is written about this book.     If anyone has read it please post your opinions.

 If I'd had a copy of this book when I started therapy, I might have saved myself a lot of time and money. Bernstein provides a field guide to the various types of Emotional Vampires and advises readers how to protect themselves from being victims of these predatory personalities." - Diane White, "The Boston Globe". Emotional Vampires: They're out there ...masquerading as ordinary people. They may lurk in your office, your family, your circle of friends; perhaps they even share your bed. Chances are, you know all too many of them. Bright, talented, and charismatic, they win your trust, your confidence, and your affection - then drain you of your emotional energy. But take heart as you walk through the darkness, it doesn't have to be that way - the more you know about vampires, the less power they have over you.Here, Dr. Albert J. Bernstein, vampire-slayer and author of the best-selling "Dinosaur Brains and Neanderthals at Work", reveals the secrets that will protect you once and for all. Detailing a whole range of personality types and human responses, Bernstein shows you how to spot the "vampires" in your life: self-serving Narcissists, hedonistic Antisocials, exhausting Paranoids, or over-the-top Histrionic drama queens. And, with valuable advice, psychological perspective, and much-needed humor, he gives you a range of defense strategies that are guaranteed to keep the blood-sucking creatures of darkness from draining you dry. By the end of "Emotional Vampires", you'll be armed with superior knowledge, a treasure chest of vampire-slaying tools, and all the confidence you need to take on the most draining people in your life and win without shedding the first drop of blood.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #12 on: January 13, 2011, 09:31:24 PM »
Fascinating! I know the feeling well of having the energy sucked out of me. Sending love..
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Faithlooksup

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2011, 05:24:53 AM »
May I add 3 more BOOKS which are totally awesome and full of insight.

1) When Parents Hurt  By:  Joshua Coleman PhD.
2) Boundaries  By: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
3) Safe People By: Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

WOW, I wish they had these books out Y E A R S ago... Faith

cremebrulee

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Re: Useful Book
« Reply #14 on: January 14, 2011, 06:15:59 AM »
Fascinating! I know the feeling well of having the energy sucked out of me. Sending love..

ditto, and find the description "emotional vampires" to be quite accurate.