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Offline luise.volta

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Cremes Questions for Julia
« on: August 09, 2010, 12:16:24 AM »
Julia...Julia   I wish I could "get over myself you know"  What is MY problem?

Creme...You could probably answer that more then anyone...why don't we explore this question?  Julia, all of us have or are insecure about one thing or another, but as in everything else, there are different levels of insecurity.  I myself, used to be extremely insecure, however, sure hope I'm doing better.

Your value has to come from within, however, first you must take a look at how we grew up...where one or both of your parents insecure?  Where one or both of your parents, negative?  Looked for the negative in everything and when you wanted to share something paramount with them, they brought your happiness down, by being negative about it.

Take for instance, you've decided to go on a vacation, fly to an island...however, your mother and friends who are very small town folks, and never took a vacation in they're lives, say..."aren't you araid?" or "I would be afraid to go on a vacation by myself"  or "What about the money".  We as social beings look to others for approval, whether we know it or not, we do...we want people to be happy with us and for us...however, when we share good news with people...or if something really good happens to us, and we share, people right away reply something negative.  Why, not always b/c they're jealous, but b/c they don't know how to be happy...they're whole life has been built on disappointments and they never realized all the opportunities available to them, so b/c they don't do it, why should you?

My mother (real mother) is a very negative person...she will complain about anyone who is experiencing a good life...she is hugely insecure...she hates to hear someone is happy...and I mean that...she feeds off of negativity and being down...and I do believe if your constantly negative, negative things will happen to you....not you, but people in general.

So lets start trying to find out why your insecure Julia...
would you mind?  or would it embarrasse you to talk about it?
It's ok if you don't want to...

Here are some questions you should ask yourself...

1.  When you decide to do something different, like go on a vacation...do you try to look for reasons why you shouldn't...or when you want to go  somewhere, same thing, do you try to look for reasons why you shouldn't go?

2.  Take a look at your parents, did one of them constantly talk you down, maybe tried to keep you from excelling...if you got B's in school, did they demand A's.  Did they look at the negative all the time?

3.  Does fear set in when you get out of your comfort zone?

4.  Are you able to go places on your own?  By yourself?  and if not, why?

5.  Are you able to make decissions and stick to them, or do you need advice from others before you do so?

I grew up in a very small town...small town people, small town concepts...girls didn't go to school or travel, they got married and had children right away....what those people didn't realize is, is that education and travel are life experiences which prepare children for life, for social skills, and for confidence.  Life itself is an education...however, college is good...any amount of education anyone can get, is good...it helps the individual realize, there is much more to life then they're own worlds....in other words, we all live in our protective plastic bubbles, away from the rest of the world...many of us, have no idea what is really going on out there...unless we get out there and experience, listen, read, study the news...which is not always acurate...and get involved in social activities.

Confidence is something someone has to believe within themselves...

Are you valuable? If you are, how do you know? If you don't think you are, how do you know? Where does value come from? Feeling loved and valued starts the same place for all of us at home with our parents. Unfortunately, some parents don't do a really great job in communicating 'unconditional' value to their kids. I stress unconditional because some people grew up in homes where they felt valued only when they performed well.

I vowed, I was never ever going to be like my real mother...she had no social skills what so ever...and she is very embarrassing when people get together and talk...she doesn't know how to communicate, other then talk about herself...and she gets very graffic and personal....she was never taught there are some things you just don't discuss over and over with others....

I traveled and got used to going places by myself...finding out while growing up, that if you wait for others to go with you, they at the last minute, decline, so I got real tired of being disappointed and not going b/c someone else didn't want to go and/or spend the money.

Go out to eat by yourself, or to a movie....by yourself...make yourself....it's really marvelous getting to know the you, of you...actually exciting.

You are your own best friend....don't depend on others to take the lead...learn just what a special person you are...through self examination...we are all unique you know, each and every one of us...we all have a significant purpose in the bigger picture of it all.


"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cadagi101

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2010, 12:10:06 AM »
Creme I will get to your questions..just have to make some time.  I would like to invite anyone else on WWU to explore these questions with you creme.  Would that be OK?   

cremebrulee

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2010, 06:25:37 AM »
absolutely Julia, sorry I didn't make it clear that it was definately an open thread...thought would be fun and interesting...so please everyone, join in...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Creme's Questions
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2010, 08:26:36 AM »
Sorry - I gave it that title so Julia could find it when Julia asked that it be a new thread. We have an open forum so all questions are for everyone here. Sorry for the confusion. (Very thoughtful and useful questions, Creme!) Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cadagi101

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2010, 07:28:11 PM »
Julia...Julia   I wish I could "get over myself you know"  What is MY problem?

Creme...You could probably answer that more then anyone...why don't we explore this question?  Julia, all of us have or are insecure about one thing or another, but as in everything else, there are different levels of insecurity.  I myself, used to be extremely insecure, however, sure hope I'm doing better.

Your value has to come from within, however, first you must take a look at how we grew up...where one or both of your parents insecure?  Where one or both of your parents, negative?  Looked for the negative in everything and when you wanted to share something paramount with them, they brought your happiness down, by being negative about it.

Take for instance, you've decided to go on a vacation, fly to an island...however, your mother and friends who are very small town folks, and never took a vacation in they're lives, say..."aren't you araid?" or "I would be afraid to go on a vacation by myself"  or "What about the money".  We as social beings look to others for approval, whether we know it or not, we do...we want people to be happy with us and for us...however, when we share good news with people...or if something really good happens to us, and we share, people right away reply something negative.  Why, not always b/c they're jealous, but b/c they don't know how to be happy...they're whole life has been built on disappointments and they never realized all the opportunities available to them, so b/c they don't do it, why should you?

My mother (real mother) is a very negative person...she will complain about anyone who is experiencing a good life...she is hugely insecure...she hates to hear someone is happy...and I mean that...she feeds off of negativity and being down...and I do believe if your constantly negative, negative things will happen to you....not you, but people in general.

So lets start trying to find out why your insecure Julia...
would you mind?  or would it embarrasse you to talk about it?
It's ok if you don't want to...

Here are some questions you should ask yourself...

1.  When you decide to do something different, like go on a vacation...do you try to look for reasons why you shouldn't...or when you want to go  somewhere, same thing, do you try to look for reasons why you shouldn't go?

2.  Take a look at your parents, did one of them constantly talk you down, maybe tried to keep you from excelling...if you got B's in school, did they demand A's.  Did they look at the negative all the time?

3.  Does fear set in when you get out of your comfort zone?

4.  Are you able to go places on your own?  By yourself?  and if not, why?

5.  Are you able to make decissions and stick to them, or do you need advice from others before you do so?

I grew up in a very small town...small town people, small town concepts...girls didn't go to school or travel, they got married and had children right away....what those people didn't realize is, is that education and travel are life experiences which prepare children for life, for social skills, and for confidence.  Life itself is an education...however, college is good...any amount of education anyone can get, is good...it helps the individual realize, there is much more to life then they're own worlds....in other words, we all live in our protective plastic bubbles, away from the rest of the world...many of us, have no idea what is really going on out there...unless we get out there and experience, listen, read, study the news...which is not always acurate...and get involved in social activities.

Confidence is something someone has to believe within themselves...

Are you valuable? If you are, how do you know? If you don't think you are, how do you know? Where does value come from? Feeling loved and valued starts the same place for all of us at home with our parents. Unfortunately, some parents don't do a really great job in communicating 'unconditional' value to their kids. I stress unconditional because some people grew up in homes where they felt valued only when they performed well.

I vowed, I was never ever going to be like my real mother...she had no social skills what so ever...and she is very embarrassing when people get together and talk...she doesn't know how to communicate, other then talk about herself...and she gets very graffic and personal....she was never taught there are some things you just don't discuss over and over with others....

I traveled and got used to going places by myself...finding out while growing up, that if you wait for others to go with you, they at the last minute, decline, so I got real tired of being disappointed and not going b/c someone else didn't want to go and/or spend the money.

Go out to eat by yourself, or to a movie....by yourself...make yourself....it's really marvelous getting to know the you, of you...actually exciting.

You are your own best friend....don't depend on others to take the lead...learn just what a special person you are...through self examination...we are all unique you know, each and every one of us...we all have a significant purpose in the bigger picture of it all.








Creme, I am very pleased to be able to answer your questions, I feel when things go around and around in our heads they never get resolved unless we can speak to a friend or counsellor.    As that is almost impossible...counsellors are 600k' round trip and my very dear friends are 1400.  We are in an isolated area and they are in the city.    For me this forum is a great way to do it.

Here goes....childhood up till 9 average, normal, happy loving family.   When I was 9 my doctor dr thought I had cancer of the thryoid glands.    I had a complete thyroidectomy they also took my parathyroid.   The frozen section during the op came back as cancer.  My parents had to make the final descison as whether to operate or not.  That was a mistake.   Later tests showed hashimotoes.  They didn't need to do remove them after all.  I had a very rare disease and which could have been treated with drugs.   Now I didn't have these glands I was a mess.  I will add here, I know I am a lucky person, this isn't a poor me story I have had good health as an adult just depression.

I struggled as a child, always sick, missed school and was on 28 tablets x day and they still couldn't get it right.  I then lacked a lot of confidence.    My parents moddycoddled me as in they were very protective,    At 14 I developed grand mal..or clonic tonic epilepsy.  It is a severe epilepsy where you lose consiouness.   I couldn't swim on my own or be on my own couldn't get my license for years.   When pregnant i had to go off my anti-convulsant medication as they were linked with spina bifida.   I was sick with worry during my pregnancy's. I hated having to depend on others.   

 When I was 17 I was pretty rebellious, my parents reluctantly let me go to the city because they were afraid I would commit suicide, I just needed to get away I felt I was suffocating at home. 

I was raped while I was living away and I have always thought that I put myself in  the dangerous situation  (I went home with this bloke I had only just met at a nightclub.)  I know I was a dummy for doing going back to his place.   That was 30 years ago.   I haven't actually thought about that for years.   

As a parent myself, I think my parents would have had a tough time with their decision of deciding to have the operation which left me so sick and I have had a lifetime of sickness as a result.   The epilepsy they are also  putting down to the op.   (they thought if it was cancer it would kill me so I do understand their decision.)   They were given the wrong information. 

I think they might also have blamed themselves for letting a naieve country kid go to the city and was raped. 


In answer to your questions (questions above)

1.  When I came back a bit of a wreck from the city, my parents bought me a clothes boutique.  My mother and I ran it together.   I look back now and I should have been taught everything about running a business,  I didn't think it at the time but do now.   Yep my only job was that business and all my life I have felt that I was just the pretty face.    When i got married we lived 2's up the road so saw my parents most days.   I was very close to them but looking back I should have been more indepantant but found it hard when I did depend on them so much when I was younger.   They always went on hols with my family, well I did ask them to.  I probably was insecure. 


2. as above.

3. I think my parents should have pushed me more.   As a teenager I started to feel I couln't do much, or be anything it was as though slightly below average was good enough.

4. I am rarely out of my comfort zone, sometimes though I do feel very confident, swings back and forth.  I do put myself "out there" at times.   I can run meetings and host gatherings etc.  nothing large though.  i studied youth counselling at welfare at TAFE, (adult learning) and got my certificates.  I didn't bothered to do anything with it, 1. I didn't have a drivers licese when I was younger, 2.  My ds was such hard work for me I had very low self esteem.  I have a lovely husband but my son is verbably abusivve.  3.  I had no confidence for the job.  I couind't control my own ds   No way could I help anyone else.

3.  I didn't have the coffidence to go places on my own, mainly because i wasn't confident to drive.  I felt self consious all the time when I took someone in the car because I thought they must be thinking she has epilipsy I hope she doesn't have a fit.  I would never offer to take other children places because if there parents said no I would take it so personally.    On the odd occasion I did take children in the car I would feel very self consious thinking what there parents might be thinking.

4. as above.

5.       I have always felt I needed my parents approval and if I didn't ask my father then he would offer to go places with me and  I couldn't say no so even though I might have felt dissapointed he felt he had to come because I felt he didn't think I could do it on my own. 

I wrote a lot about my feelings with the thread Interferring grandfather.   That post is quite long, so I won't repeat it again.

I said in that I someimes feel i have to justify my existence,  I don't know why!!   I feel guilty about things I have because someone needs it more.  If i buy clothing or even plants for my garden I question myself about do I need it?  that money could help someone who doesn't have clothes or people in third world countries would rather have food and clothing not nice gardens.   i do that for everything furniture, repainting the house everything I buy.   I feel guilty because we have a nice house.   If I had worked all my life and contributed financially I wouldn't feel so guilty.  I don't know.  I try to convince myself raising children is work but with so many mothers with jobs I hate feeling like a "lady of leisure"  I don't think I am but i think others might!!  I have large garden, I planted 300 trees when we moved here, we have had extreme hardship with droughts I help out on the farm when I can , raised 3 children, not very successfuly but then adolescents is a pain.

  I didn't think of it then but as an adult when my friends were teachers or proffessional women I felt stupid.  I also felt stupid because after many severe epilepsy seizures, my memory suffered and I couldn't concentrate for long.    I always think everyone else is 'smarter than me"    Thankyou Creme, any other WW please contribute if you can





 


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2010, 08:03:02 PM »
Well, I have to say that you come across here as wise, witty, compassionate and strong. That's my take. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cadagi101

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2010, 08:16:10 PM »
Thankyou Luise that is lovely for you to say.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2010, 08:26:09 PM »
It is lovelier to behold.  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #8 on: August 16, 2010, 05:00:19 AM »
Quote
Julia
Creme, I am very pleased to be able to answer your questions, I feel when things go around and around in our heads they never get resolved unless we can speak to a friend or counsellor.    As that is almost impossible...counsellors are 600k' round trip and my very dear friends are 1400.  We are in an isolated area and they are in the city.    For me this forum is a great way to do it.

Hi Sweetie and Good Morning....yes, this forum has certainly been a big big help for me....thanks to Luise, Kirk and all the members here...they, including you, are a good group of gals.

Same thing happened to my foster mother when she was little, however, different illnesses...she contacted the Swine flu...and it left her very ill....because she to was coddled, and didn't go to school she also had very little confidence...so much so, she feared learning anything new, like riding a bike, socializing in large groups of people, and never went anywhere, not ever one vacation in her entire life....

Quote
When I was 17 I was pretty rebellious, my parents reluctantly let me go to the city because they were afraid I would commit suicide, I just needed to get away I felt I was suffocating at home.
 

I believe that is a normal feeling for most 17 year old girls...I was going to leave home and work at the shore as a waitress and try and put myself through college.  My foster mom and dad felt that was a bad mistake, beings I was so naieve, they feared I get in with the wrong crowd, so since my boyfriend had asked me to marry him...they advised me to do that instead...I believe Julia, inside, I've been really upset with them about that since...they were wonderful people, but lived life the old way, never traveled, and experienced life outside of our very small town...and I had that yearing for travel....chances are, I might have gotten in with the wrong people, but hey, that's life...they feared me making mistakes, however, marrying my high school boyfriend at 17 was a big mistake...we were way to young...

Quote
I was raped while I was living away and I have always thought that I put myself in  the dangerous situation  (I went home with this bloke I had only just met at a nightclub.)
 

I'm very very sorry this happened to you...no matter how long it is still fresh in your mind....please know, you were not a dummy for trusting someone...when we grow up in small towns, over protected, we trust everyone...darlin, I was sexually abused by an uncle when I was a little girl....over and over again...until I was about 12...and then stopped it on my own. 

My Aunt said I was making it up and wouldn't allow my cousin's to play with me...so I know the blame...he abused all his girl daughter 's to, and as much as he was a sleeze bag, I have been able to forgive him and let it go...not for his sake, but for mine.  However, he deserves to be in prision for what he did, and so does the man who took you by force...Julia, yes, we are naive when we're young, however, no one has the right to do what these men did to us...remember that always...I'm not suggesting hate, but believe in your heart, that it wasn't your fault.  It's over and done with, you can't change, it, but what you can do, is leave it go and walk ahead....

Quote
As a parent myself, I think my parents would have had a tough time with their decision of deciding to have the operation
 

I agree....sometimes, as parents, we're caught between a no win situation, and we just don't know what to do...we all learn as we go...and we can be so overprotective...to the point of smothering another human being, child.

Quote
I think they might also have blamed themselves for letting a naive country kid go to the city and was raped. 


They probably did, however, they had to let go...regardless...it's nobody's fault except the man who took advantage of your naivety...and if you had gone somewhere else that evening, perhaps it wouldn't have happened....maybe he was drunk...maybe he was used to fast women who were like that?  Julia, it was the timing...wrong place at the wrong time, however, your alive!

It was difficult for you and your parents...they feared letting you go, they probably felt to blame for your illness and the attack in the city....which made them be even more protective of you....which stagnates a child's ability to make decisions and live on they're own...we're all going to make mistakes, we've all had hard lives, some worse then others, and sometimes the more a parent protects a child, the worse it is for that child to be an adult....it's like women who marry men...(and I've seen this in my community) thank God I'm independent...b/c there is a woman in my community who allowed her husband to make all decisions, pay all bills, she didn't have to do anything but cook and clean, raise the kids...otherwise, she has no concept of bills, income taxes, etc.  Well, she is really having a tough time of it now...and the same goes for kids who are raised by they're parents, who do not teach them how to take care of themselves and let them go to do that...

Quote
3. I think my parents should have pushed me more.   As a teenager I started to feel I couldn't do much, or be anything it was as though slightly below average was good enough.

Yes, they probably should, however, put yourself in they're place, they did the best they possibly could have done, with the tools they had, i.e. by how they were raised...plus facing a very serious problem with they're little girl...remember, we grow up with our children, they teach us, as well as we teach them.  A lot of us when we have kids are children ourselves.

Quote
4. I am rarely out of my comfort zone, sometimes though I do feel very confident, swings back and forth.  I do put myself "out there" at times.   I can run meetings and host gatherings etc.  nothing large though.  i studied youth counselling at welfare at TAFE, (adult learning) and got my certificates.  I didn't bothered to do anything with it, 1. I didn't have a drivers lice's when I was younger

How do you feel about that?  Not having a drivers license?

Quote
2.  My ds was such hard work for me I had very low self esteem.  I have a lovely husband but my son is verbably abusive. 


Have you tried to read books for low self esteem?
I'm going to share something with you, please remember, I am no counselor, just been through some tough times, along with low self esteem, so, all I can do is tell you my thoughts on it...

The Good News is, low self esteem is curable...but it takes practice, by putting it to work....every single day....it takes work and is a constant work in progress...you've got to want to change so badly you make it work...remember, there is nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it....

Here are some pointers I found off the internet, which helped me...

1.  Low self esteem feeds on negative thoughts so Don't indulge in self criticism. Why are you waging war against yourself? 

For many reasons...people are who they are not for one reason but for many....perhaps guilt, but you said yourself, putting yourself outside your comfort zone is hard...it's hard for all of us....we get in a comfortable rut...actually...that's why I often times suggest to people on this forum, do something different with your life....you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your life will seem so much more fulfilling if you do...the longer we stay in our comfort zones, the harder change is...plus, fear of doing something is our greatest stagnation in life....

2.  You can choose to please yourself  It is good to you care about others feelings but aren't your needs just as important?

Don't neglect yourself! And Julia, you are neglecting yourself...everytime you buy something, you feel guilty about it, not because your worried about others, but because worrying about what others have, and you having more, is your excuse not to be happy about it....it's your way of continuing with the guilt, making your self feel bad...why?  Because you don't feel worthy of it...you don't feel like you deserve it....just like I didn't feel like I deserved a goodness in my life...but we do...hun, we make mistakes, it's part of life's cycle...you didn't ask to be raped, nor did you deserve it...it wasn't your fault for trusting someone not to harm you...no one, but no one has the right to physically take another person....so, you've got to work on that...and learn to love yourself, not dislike yourself for what happend....it's always there and causing you to punish yourself...so that is one thing you've got to work on, is to let it go, forgive yourself and trust that you did your very best at the time, when it happened...it's OK to make mistakes, especially as a child who is very trusting...and if you want to discuss this more, please do...some how, you've got to let go of self persecution and blame...

3.  Don't try to be like someone else. This leads to lack of self worth and confidence. You are unique and you cannot be someone else. Strive to improve but don't criticise yourself for not being as successful, beautiful, slim or as popular as someone else.

You said, you were just another pretty face....I picked up on the fact right then and there that you don't like yourself...Julia, is such a beautiful name, and such a beautiful person...don't be afraid to believe that and let her out...let her shine...stop feeding and living your life off of negativity about yourself....I used to feel the same way you did...one time a man who I was dating said to me, "you have no idea just how pretty you are?"  I was...but didn't feared believing it....Julia....if you have to say it over and over again until you believe it, believe you are beautiful and very unique...to not believe in the significance of yourself, of your life, is like slapping your maker across the face...sounds harsh I know, but it's true, and what helped me out of it....I bet sometimes you even wonder why your husband loves you and your constantly looking for reassurance from him and are hurt when you don't get it?   

4.  Take life and yourself less seriously. Failure just means you are not successful YET. Everybody fails before succeeding, don't look on it as failure but as a means to learning. Perhaps you just need a change of direction. Problems make you stronger if you strive to overcome them.

I didn't know how to find the humor in situations....when you learn to look for the humor, it's very healthy and helps you realize, life is not meant to be serious all the time...when you take yourself to seriously, you loose out on laughter, that really shines and makes everyone else around you happy....

5.  Self worth, confidence and assuredness increase when you Focus on your needs and desires. You deserve to live life as you want. This is not selfishness as what you want doesn't hurt others or prevent them from living life on their terms.

Julia, it's OK to have dreams, dreams don't end b/c we become parents, yes, they are put on hold for awhile, but when our kids grow up and leave home, we can simply realize, the "to be continued" time has arrived...in the meantime, don't stop dreaming and giving to yourself, it's healthy mentally and physically...to do so....we were put here on this earth to experience the gift of life, and along with that gift, comes allowing ourselves to be happy, no one else can do that for us...we have got to create little things in our lives out of the ho hum existence, to look foreward to...like a date night with your husband, create it and live it...talk about dreams with him, find out what he always wanted to do, but couldn't b/c he now had a family....and share with him something you've always wanted to do...talk to him...listen to him....start to add spark to your lives again...it's fun and very intimate...mental intimacy can be a very rewarding experience....he's your best friend....let him in....

6.  Focus on your successes. Lack of confidence feeds on your feelings of failure and inadequacy. Remember the truly successful things you have done in your life. Reward yourself when you do succeed.

There are things in your life you have done good...don't ask anyone else....ask yourself, at this present time, you fear allowing yourself to believe that there is much goodness in you and you've touched a lot of people's lives in a good way...don't consentrate on what you don't have, consentrate on what you do have and believe it...Julia, each and everyone of us, has a very significant purpose in life, each very different....
Right now your son, has problems...however, you can't judge your own person or blame yourself for his frame of mind....right now, consentrate on you...regardless of what happens, it's out of your hands, the only person you can control is you....don't look at your son as another failure, but more so, as a success....hun, he is choosing to act like this...it's not your fault....you did the very best you could do, at that time, with the tools you had....like all of us....we're all simply living life by learning...and we do the best that we can do....do you realize, some of the most successful people are insecure? 

6.  Use positive affirmations and quotes. Read them when you are feeling negative and need inspiration.   

You have got to start reconditioning yourself...it's hard work, but you can do it if you want it bad enough...I promise...and it is a work in progress until the day you die...

Julia, believe this...you are who you think you are....in other words, if you think yourself a failure, you will be...but if you believe everything I've written here and put it into practice, it will change you, change your life and everyone around you....

as far as your son is concerned, he will have to go the course on his own...just stand your ground and rules....don't compromise yourself, because you want him to like you...stand strong willed in that department....

Julia...every single time a negative thought comes into your mind, replace that thought with a good thought....be grateful for what you have, and it's OK to want, to have and to buy for ourselves...without feeling guilty...that's your excuse to feel bad....and that's wrong...show some enthusiasm for  what you've worked for, it's a gift...and if you can afford to buy things, do so with confidence, in knowing and believing you worked for it....

I'm sure the other ladies here will have much to build on...
I am so grateful for you, b/c just in writing this to you has helped re establish itself in me....by helping each other, we help ourselves....we have a choice, we can try it, or keep on keep in on...but I promise you if you try just a little, eventually, life seems to be more vibrant and meaningful....

you see, self blame, guilt, and fears, lead us down the wrong road on our jouneys, we get side tracked from it, and it stagnates our purpose...when that man took you, he took away so many things from you, trust, self confidence, dreams....your innocence...and caused you to blame yourself....it was his fault, not yours....and I believe that is the root of your self persection, which is lack of self esteem....you see, you've conditioned yourself to believe that you don't deserve much....and you actually believe it...but you couldn't be farther from the truth....you deserve happiness, things, travel, humor, life, self confidence, love, most of all love....love yourself....it's ok to let go and just really like who you are....
you are very unique and significant in the order of things...everything works out in the end...however, if we trust and believe we were put here, given the gift of life, to follow thru...life is so much more brilliant, plus, your feelings, effect, so many other lives...what you think and feel about yourself, projects, from within...we all send off energy...to others, and if we love ourselves, we can love others even more productively...Julia, that is what success is....learning to cherish life, our life...and stop fighting happiness....we are blessed souls...

also, what helped me was to realize, as bad as my life might have been, there was always someone else, who had it rougher then mine, much rougher, and they got through it....

Julia...one very important thing....

Do not ever drive with kids in the car...especially someone else's child....
You do have seizures...and I know about grand malls....I had a neighbor and a friend's child who has them...it can happen any time....and of course, they're going to look at you, full well knowing your driving with they're children in your car when it could happen at any time....ok, now listen to me, and don't take this personal, but please for your own sake, listen....if something would happen, and one of those kids would get hurt in an accident....Julia...you wouldn't only hurt your life, but you'd change someone elses life forever....it's not worth the risk...in all truthfulness...you have an illness...yes, so you learn to cope, you learn there are things you can do and can't do...many others in this world do to....your not in a wheel chair...you have both arms and legs...there are much worse things in life....your able to function with the help of the meds...however, there is one thing you cannot do, and that is, take a chance with someone else's life....if you want to drive and chance a seizure, that is one thing, but everytime you get behind that wheel, remember, it's not about you, it's about anyone who is in that car, or in another car, and them being at the wrong place at the wrong time, and you crashing into them, changing they're lives and the lives of they're loved ones forever....this is the most cruical thing you must understand...you have an illness....don't let it effect the lives of others, please....b/c if you do, there is always that chance....

Thank you for sharing...that in itself took courage...

big hugs
Creme

« Last Edit: August 16, 2010, 06:32:02 AM by cremebrulee »

kathleen

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #9 on: August 16, 2010, 06:00:39 AM »
I created and ran a seminar called "Confidence Building for Women."  This was because every woman I met had an insecurity problem; it didn't matter if she was an MBA or a high school dropout.  Every woman I met felt inferior to men, to other women, to their friends, to almost everyone they knew except maybe convicted felons.  From this seminar we learned confidence comes from achievement in life, and owning that.  We learned we must affirm ourselves and each other.  We created a "Confidence Folder," and each woman was to place in it a reminder every time something of value that she had earned had happened.  It could be an achievement of a child, a special honor, completing a difficult educational project, helping someone else through a hard time, having a letter published in the paper, whatever, small or large, not necessarily job or career related.  Maybe just  hard cake recipe that turned out perfectly for a birthday party.  Women in the seminar saw that they could build a folder rather quickly. They SAW, rather than just learning to feel, they were valuable and could create confidence from insecurity by DOING.

It is not hard to see why women lack confidence.  I just finished posting on Older Women Rock on Women for Hire, and a lot of the posts were about discrimination in the job market.  My husband and I belonged to a club and the men's Fitness provided towels, two full-time attendants, hot coffee, and many extras.  Our women's Fitness section was located up a long difficult flight of stairs, no attendant, no towels, often dirty, no coffee, etc. etc.  Finally a militant went to war and got us a steam room, but that didn't work for years.  Women have come a long, long way but still are not equal in some quarters.  Society still sends us negative messages which we unconsciously absorb.  Julia, you have had a harder time than most of us, so your road is more difficult, but I believe you can become confident in the appropriate, non-aggressive, non-arrogant way.

My mother chipped away at my confidence all my life with constant criticism; when she got old, my sisters carried it on.  (Cruelty of women to women is often a factor; it does not come just from men.)  Example:  I was 16 and going for my driver's test, an anxiety-producing event for any teenager.  All the way to the test Mother kept saying, "You'll never make it.  You're bound to fail."  YOU ARE BOUND TO FAIL. Even if she believed it, how in the world does this help a young girl?  I was however lucky, as my father was just the opposite and left at least some space in my fevered brain to hear his messages and his ACTIONS TO SUPPORT me, that I was not just a dumb failure.

I still have to work at erasing that negative voice from my thoughts.  But I can, and do.  I have achieved so much more than my mother ever did, for this I give my dad so much credit for loving me unconditionally.  I have helped many people in my life, trying to pass on what Dad gave to me that meant so much---"You can do it, I will help you." PS, I passed that driving test with flying colors.  Of course, this annoyed her; too bad.

Julia, start that Confidence Folder TODAY!  Seeing your past, present and future achievements could really help you set some goals for the future.  Take advantage of any career help that may be there for you.  Yes, the job market is horrible, but people still do get jobs, start businesses, do great volunteer work, write, paint, whatever will make you see YOU ARE VALUABLE.  You need to see it, and put it in and take it out of your Folder.  Don't forget!  Once you get going, you'll be able to help other women, and that in itself builds confidence.

Cheering you on,

Kathleen

cremebrulee

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #10 on: August 16, 2010, 06:24:47 AM »
Kathleen,
This was a really exceptional post....very helpful

My mother to, (foster mother) was so negative...and I didn't realize how much and how much she made us, like that.  Even when she baked or cooked, and we told her what a good cake it was, or meal....and she always knocked it down...very negative...

My real mother was the same way, but in a more harmful way, she constantly told me I was no good....and would amount to nothing....

I've conquered, but would never hesitate to take your advice...as I said, it's a constant work in progress....

thank you for posting this very helpful advice....

Hugs
Creme

Offline Pooh

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #11 on: August 16, 2010, 06:27:09 AM »
I realize you feel insecure, but from reading your post, I saw tons of accomplishment and a very strong woman.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #12 on: August 16, 2010, 08:59:08 AM »
You guys are totally amazing!!!  8) Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #13 on: August 16, 2010, 11:06:37 AM »
When Ever we get down, or feel badly, perhaps watching this might help us feel better....

Hugs Creme

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gc4HGQHgeFE&feature=player_embedded#!

cadagi101

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Re: Cremes Questions for Julia
« Reply #14 on: August 16, 2010, 07:26:04 PM »
if words could describe how I feel having read these posts I would write them down but they don't so that should say enough.  (That also doesn't make sense) almost tears in my eyes!!  and Thankyou very much.  I will come back to your posts when I get a bit of time and will vent more just because it feels so good.