Author Topic: Please advice  (Read 2683 times)

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Offline Barbie

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Please advice
« on: July 27, 2010, 05:58:11 PM »
Hello ladies,
I’ve been away for a little while but would like to get your input on my situation.
My DIL doesn’t like me, we had a confrontation a few years ago and I said some mean things to her and she’s still holding a grudge. We have a soon to be 2 yr. old GD  and she doesn’t trust me with her, according to DS she’s afraid if the baby does something to upset me I’ll say something mean to her also. In spite of this we have been asked to babysit on occasion for the past few months.
Our GD enjoys spending time with us, she’s gotten very close to my DH but because DIL finds something wrong with everything I say and do, we fear that at anytime she can say I did something wrong and won’t let us see the baby again, the more time we spend with our GD the more we fall in love with her so we’ve been walking on eggshells and have thought about communicating this to our DS.
Would we be making the right move or should we leave well enough alone?
« Last Edit: July 28, 2010, 12:58:51 PM by guest1 »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #1 on: July 27, 2010, 08:46:23 PM »
Welcome! I would leave well enough alone. Some people just don't have forgiving hearts and you don't want to make a bad situation worse. Probably anything thing you say has the potential to be misunderstood. I'd be grateful there was any progress at all and tread lightly. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2010, 05:11:10 AM »
Hello ladies,
I’ve been away for a little while but would like to get your input on my situation.
My DIL doesn't like me, we had a confrontation a few years ago and I said some mean things to her and she’s still holding a grutch. We have a soon to be 2 yr. old GD  and she doesn’t trust me with her, according to DS she’s afraid if the baby does something to upset me I’ll say something mean to her also. In spite of this we have been asked to babysit on occasion for the past few months.
Our GD enjoys spending time with us, she’s gotten very close to my DH but because DIL finds something wrong with everything I say and do, we fear that at anytime she can say I did something wrong and won’t let us see the baby again, the more time we spend with our GD the more we fall in love with her so we’ve been walking on eggshells and have thought about communicating this to our DS.
Would we be making the right move or should we leave well enough alone?

Leave well enough alone, no matter what you say to your son, he's going to carry it back to your DIL which will really upset her...here's what I would do.  I know, your very nervous and walking on egg shells all the time, but try and calm down...I cut off my son, DIL and Grand daughter for 3 years for the same reason, and here's what I've learned. 

We freak out so badly due to fear...the fear is very real, and valid...however....your DIL is NOT a dictator, and your son, well shame on him for allowing her to treat you like this....he is the one that needs to put his foot down, he is the one that should see her behavior as unacceptable....you are allowing her to bully and victimize you both, and she's lovin it....to use a child for scare tactics is absolutely ludicrous and to me, quit unstable.  You are still that child's grand parents regardless of how she feels about you...what she is doing is utterly vindictive...she's using scare tactics to control you, she probably was raised like that, and she thinks it's normal, but is not. 

When she said she didn't want you to watch your GC, and your son told you that, did you ask him why he allows her to treat his parents like this?  All right, you made a mistake, however, she is using that mistake as an excuse to hurt you...and that is so wrong...

If a situation like this arises again, and/or your son talks to you about a situation like that or she brings it up...tell both of them, that you are very sorry you said the things you said, however, you reached a breaking point, and your buttons were being pushed for a long time...and you exploded...it's a human behavior...one can only take so much.  Ask them if they haven't ever gotten so angry they said things they didn't mean.  People say things they don't mean out of anger, and why, b/c they're hurt...and you were hurt...

Then explain to her, and your son, that you would like very much for her to be a part of your family....but the past has to be forgotten...and we have to move on together.    When the timing is right, you'll know it....but try and talk it out with both of them.

Then, never bring it up again....and if she tells you what to do and what not to do with the child, do what she says, no matter how ridiculous you feel she is being...

But as far as your question right now, no, I wouldn't say anything...calm down, enjoy the kids, and see what happens, but when a situation occurs again, that is when you say something to both of them....however, I wouldn't discuss it with her alone, make sure your son is there...no emails, no phone calls, face to face, that way nothing can be misconstrued....also, speak with sincerity and care...not anger....

for now, let it all alone...and try and work on your own fears...remember, she is a human being with problems...she is no more then that...yes, she dictates where her children go, however, it does sound to me, like she is allowing you to watch the child...so, enjoy her when you have her, just don't do anything that you haven't asked her if you can do first.  And make up things...like when she drops the baby off, ask her if you might do this or that....make her feel like she is in charge.  Don't act afraid of her, speak to her as you would speak to anyone...

these people both MIL's and DIL's alike who think it's ok to punish people by using the children, is insane...it's like parents that split up and use the children against each other...sheeesh....

My concern is with you
hugs
Creme

Offline Scoop

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2010, 05:40:27 AM »
I just had a flash of inspiration!  You know what you should tell your DS?  You should tell him how much you LOVE spending time with your GD, how precious she is and how DS and DIL are doing such a good job with her.

Tell him that you appreciate that he & DIL 'let' you babysit GD, even with the misgivings DIL has had in the past and that you've really tried to be on your best behaviour when spending time with GD.

Thank him sincerely and profusely and tell him how much you look forward to seeing them all again.

If you really want to make a statement, then say that you're sorry for what you said to DIL in the past, and you know you can't change it, but that you're going to "pay it forward" and be an awesome Gma to GD. 

Because your DIL thinks you hate her and she worries that you're going to take that hate out on her DD.

cremebrulee

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2010, 06:00:40 AM »
I just had a flash of inspiration!  You know what you should tell your DS?  You should tell him how much you LOVE spending time with your GD, how precious she is and how DS and DIL are doing such a good job with her.

Tell him that you appreciate that he & DIL 'let' you babysit GD, even with the misgivings DIL has had in the past and that you've really tried to be on your best behaviour when spending time with GD.

Thank him sincerely and profusely and tell him how much you look forward to seeing them all again.

If you really want to make a statement, then say that you're sorry for what you said to DIL in the past, and you know you can't change it, but that you're going to "pay it forward" and be an awesome Gma to GD. 

Because your DIL thinks you hate her and she worries that you're going to take that hate out on her DD.

Wonderful Idea!!!!  I'm with you...compliments go a long long way....

yes, maybe I'm being biased, and it's only b/c DIL "thinks" she hates her...and she "thinks" DIL hates her, when in fact, all they really want to do is get along.

It was the same with my DIL and myself....exactly!!!!!!

Offline Barbie

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2010, 06:19:06 AM »
Thank you so much for the responses.
Creme and Scoop, just about everything you have advised me to say and do I’ve done it, it’s still not enough, in DIL's own words, “ a lot needs to happen in order for her to trust me again”, so I leave her alone for a while then I try again only to be disappointed. My DS says he doesn’t know what else to say to her to make her change her mind and he’s always so sad because he longs for us to be the family we once were.
I’m a very proud person but she has brought me down to my knees on many occasions, my DH wants me to keep trying for the baby’s sake. Not only does she not trust me but she also wants me to change the way I act. It’s so ridiculous and I am so ready to throw in the towel. I don’t see an end to this situation specially since they want to have more kids.
Scoop, I'd like to add that I enjoy reading your responses, it's nice to hear a DIL's point of view. You're right, she probably thinks I hate her but that's not so, I truly believe if she wasn't so insecure we could come to an understanding and have a good relashionship even.

barelythere

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2010, 06:23:11 AM »
Thank you so much for the responses.
Creme and Scoop, just about everything you have advised me to say and do I’ve done it, it’s still not enough, in DIL's own words, “ a lot needs to happen in order for her to trust me again”, so I leave her alone for a while then I try again only to be disappointed. My DS says he doesn’t know what else to say to her to make her change her mind and he’s always so sad because he longs for us to be the family we once were.
I’m a very proud person but she has brought me down to my knees on many occasions, my DH wants me to keep trying for the baby’s sake. Not only does she not trust me but she also wants me to change the way I act. It’s so ridiculous and I am so ready to throw in the towel. I don’t see an end to this situation specially since they want to have more kids.
Scoop, I'd like to add that I enjoy reading your responses, it's nice to hear a DIL's point of view. You're right, she probably thinks I hate her but that's not so, I truly believe if she wasn't so insecure we could come to an understanding and have a good relashionship even.

I wonder if any of you who have lost sons or Daughters find yourselves with tears in your eyes for no reason while grocery shopping?  Anywhere when the thought crosses your mind that he or she is gone?

cremebrulee

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2010, 07:09:16 AM »
guest1
Quote
Creme and Scoop, just about everything you have advised me to say and do I’ve done it, it’s still not enough, in DIL's own words, “ a lot needs to happen in order for her to trust me again”, so I leave her alone for a while then I try again only to be disappointed. My DS says he doesn’t know what else to say to her to make her change her mind and he’s always so sad because he longs for us to be the family we once were.  I’m a very proud person but she has brought me down to my knees on many occasions, my DH wants me to keep trying for the baby’s sake. Not only does she not trust me but she also wants me to change the way I act. It’s so ridiculous and I am so ready to throw in the towel. I don’t see an end to this situation specially since they want to have more kids.

Respectifully and honestly, I don't think your listening....thats the point...don't throw in the towel, and don't give her chance to reject you anymore....you said it once, if she doesn't accept that is her problem, but don't keep feeding her....let her come to you...be proud, stand tall, insert your mother instint...don't allow her to drop you to your knees....she's just a human being....she has no power over you, unless you give it to her and you have....stop trying and just be you...period...
Stand tall...and your husband should to, don't compromise your identities, b/c this woman is bullying you....the more you do this, the more she'll continue...stop trying to be someone your not....be a parent and assume respect....if you do, it will stop without you having to say a word...while I wouldn't throw in the towel, what I'd do is be who you are....after a while of this, she's going to wonder what is going on, pretend she is an aquaintence when she's around...no more, no less, be respectful and be a lady, but never allow her to know your personal feelings...ever...let her get curious and want to know you....then she feels like she's making the choice, but she's not, she's just curious...
does that make sense?  Say as little as possible to your son, except when the timing insists your still his parent...then tell him how you feel, sternly but do not yell or harp...say it and let it be over with, and mean it.

Your damned if you do and if you don't anyway, right?  this is a person your never going to please, and the more you let her walk all over you, the less she appreciates you...I'm not suggesting you have an out an out battle with her...but calm down and ignore her....

If she takes the Gkids away from you, then shame on your son.....your son should never allow this, he is as much to blame as her if not more....for allowing it....you don't have to divorce someone b/c they don't like your parents, but what you can do is say..."You may not like them and that's ok, but when we are togeteher you be decent to them, that is all I ask for and want!"  And she'd change but quick.  And he should tell you the same thing, that way he isn't siding with anyone....you are both putting him in the middle, and he's allowing it....?  that is so wrong. 

I really do hope things change for you...

Hugs
Creme
« Last Edit: July 29, 2010, 07:13:27 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline Barbie

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2010, 09:09:00 AM »
Creme, I heard you loud and clear, LOL. Thank you! My DD has been telling me to do this for a long time but I was trying to please my son. I will try to follow your advice, makes perfect sense.

Anna, my GD has gotten a lot closer to my DH, I have been afraid to get too close to her in case her mother decides not to let us see her again I don't want to suffer. She didn't let us see her for 6 months.

Barelythere, so far I haven't lost contact with my son but our relashionship is not the same, there was a time when all I did was cry, I'm way past that stage now, I decided to go on with my life.

cremebrulee

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2010, 09:12:45 AM »
I feel so bad for you...I do know what your feelings, emotions and doubts not to mention the loss of confidence....it's hard to know what to do, and sometimes you feel like your loosing it....the fear is what stagnates us....

and you keep telling yourself, you would have never allowed your son to treat you this way??????

It's all so unfair....

Hugs
Creme

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #10 on: July 29, 2010, 10:05:33 AM »
Some people are more sensitive than others and it isn't so much a lack of forgiveness as it is not being able to cope with or erase unkind words. I have had to learn to live with very thin skin. My natural response has been to turn away from anything that is said in a nasty way and see that person as nasty and some kind of a threat. It has been/is a life-lesson to get that there are other ways to react and that it may not be seen the same way by others or even the one who was nasty.

I came from a family where I never saw an argument. I didn't know that was unhealthy, it was the norm...so I was very poorly equipped for the real world and people who said what they thought in the heat of the moment. I was crushed and totally done with someone who did that...for decades.

This may not be DILs experience...but it was mine and I just wanted to add it to the mix.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #11 on: July 29, 2010, 12:11:42 PM »
Some of us mils are darned if we do, darned if we don't, so why not do what our hearts tell us, what is natural for us, & iin most cases natural is loving our gc.    (((((hugs)))))   Anna.

Anna, I agree. Also, I think sometimes a lot of these so-called reasons for cutting off an MIL, or limiting access to DS/GC, are things some DILs might use as an excuse to keep their MILs distant. If it wasn't that particular statement by Guest1 it might have been something else. As MILs we end up losing our confidence and jumping through all the hoops only to continue being distanced and disappointed. At a low level it's sad, hurtful and annoying. When it's full-blown it could be considered abusive treatment.

I'm sure there are MILs who use the same tactics. I have a SM who's a pro!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline Barbie

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2010, 02:14:31 PM »
According to my DIL's sister, she's a spoiled brat who always has to get her way and my son just runs around trying to please her. People that are much closer to them and are used to seeing her in action tell me he's going to get tired of it someday, and he's not happy, he really wants to have a better relashionship with us (his family).
Thank you all for your replies.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2010, 03:58:40 PM by guest1 »

Offline Pen

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2010, 04:38:42 PM »
Please hang in there - our DS finally started to see it and although all is not perfect, we're seeing far more of him now than we did since this all began.

Our strategy? We continued to be "hands off" ILs (we were from day one) and didn't call or email or text or bug them or give advice or expect anything at all. We went about our lives and enjoyed spending time with other family members and friends, which also rekindled our (DH & my) relationship. Amazing! We waited for DS to see it all for himself, and eventually he came to us venting about DILs FOO. We told him to work on it with DIL, that she came first now (tongues firmly clenched between teeth.) She's still not liking us much, but he's coming around.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

barelythere

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Re: Please advice
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2010, 04:41:16 PM »
Please hang in there - our DS finally started to see it and although all is not perfect, we're seeing far more of him now than we did since this all began.

Our strategy? We continued to be "hands off" ILs (we were from day one) and didn't call or email or text or bug them or give advice or expect anything at all. We went about our lives and enjoyed spending time with other family members and friends, which also rekindled our (DH & my) relationship. Amazing! We waited for DS to see it all for himself, and eventually he came to us venting about DILs FOO. We told him to work on it with DIL, that she came first now (tongues firmly clenched between teeth.) She's still not liking us much, but he's coming around.

What a blessing!