Author Topic: Husband Ill  (Read 1449 times)

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kathleen

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Husband Ill
« on: July 25, 2010, 11:55:50 AM »
MIL's/Friends,

Coming back from our vacation, my husband developed frightening symptoms.  Tomorrow he has a CAT scan and more if that doesn't tell us what it is.  I am so afraid it may be cancer; he is 70 years old.  My youngest son is coming up in a little while and will go with us to the hospital AM.  My oldest son is immediately supportive but can't come up for tomorrow as he's too far away this weekend.  I have not told my middle son and DIL.  They have not spoken to us in two years, have totally alienated my husband in particular with their cruel and vicious acts, and probably would not be supportive---this would just be another opportunity for them to act out, I think, but I don't know.  Has anyone been in this situation?  What is your advice.

I know there will be lessons from this experience, no matter what the outcome, and I am keeping my mind and heart open to learn what they are.

Thanks, and keep your fingers crossed for my family, please. 

Kathleen

Offline Pooh

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2010, 12:59:33 PM »
So sorry Kathleen and I am praying everything turns out well.  I may be totally wrong on this one, because I have not dealt with this situation, but my first instinct was for you to wait and not tell them until you see what is truly going on.  Not to keep it from them, but with your history with them in regards to hubby, you don't need the added stress right now of having to deal with them.  After finding out what is going on with him, you will be better armed with information to deal with them.

My thoughts are with you.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

kathleen

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2010, 02:23:04 PM »
Pooh, thank you so much for your reply, and what you have said is my thought exactly.  We do not need the stress right now.  My first thought was that my "son" was entitled to know about his father's problem, but, it would not be in our self-interest to tell him at this point.

I appreciate your reply,

Kathleen

cremebrulee

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #3 on: July 26, 2010, 06:28:02 AM »
ohhh my, Kathleen, you must be worried sick....
please, please let us know
Hugs and prayers
Creme

Offline Pen

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2010, 07:43:29 AM »
Kathleen, I'm sorry to hear your news. May all turn out well for you and yours. Take care of DH first and foremost; the rest will fall into place. I'm glad you have the love and support of OS & YS. We'll all be thinking of you.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Nana

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2010, 09:19:06 AM »
Kathleen:

Dont worry....lets hope everything will turn out just fine.   We will be here for you....expecting to hear the good news.   Have faith.

Love and hugs! 
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2010, 10:19:29 AM »
I agree with Pooh about not telling them until you know what's what.  Sending my very best thoughts to you and your DH for good news.
This too shall pass.  All is well.

kathleen

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #7 on: July 26, 2010, 02:37:59 PM »
Hello MIL's and I feel you have become real friends,

My husband had his CAT scan today.  The good news is he does not have cancer.  The bad news is that he has myriad kidney stones---many more than acceptable---which have to be dealt with and rather immediately before they cause kidney damage or failure. 

This was, as you can imagine, an incredible relief.  Anna, you know the feeling; thank you so much for sharing that hopeful note when I needed it.

After the CAT scan, not expecting any news until tomorrow, we went out to breakfast, as my husband couldn't eat any prior to the scan.  Then, for diversion, we went into a store and did some shopping and during that time my husband got the news that he was OK except for needing treatment.  I watched my young son's eyes well up with tears, he was so happy, and right in the store we embraced my husband.

Right at that moment I vowed to stop placing 90% of my attention on my young son (and my oldest son, who had the same reaction long distance) and to place 100% of my attention on these two devoted and loving sons. 

My youngest son has been saying all day, "Kidney stones.  We'll take them."

I would also like to focus, within myself, on the clear fact that I raised two very loving boys who now are young men who feel empathy, concern, and love for their father in his time of need.  It's a LOT of good.  Those of us who have one child who is constantly acting out, and others who aren't, may be in danger of forgetting about the good ones. 

Life has so many lessons to teach us.  Wisdom comes from experience. 

You cannot fake tears for your father.  Those tears from my young son were pure love and blessed relief.  There's the son who doesn't even know his father faced  the worst and came out the other side OK, but he is increasingly irrelevant in our lives.

Thank you so SO much for writing, all of you that did, I read and re-read your posts and took such comfort from them.  You are all great.

Kathleen


cadagi101

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #8 on: July 26, 2010, 05:20:58 PM »

"I would also like to focus, within myself, on the clear fact that I raised two very loving boys who now are young men who feel empathy, concern, and love for their father in his time of need.  It's a LOT of good.  Those of us who have one child who is constantly acting out, and others who aren't, may be in danger of forgetting about the good ones". 

Well said,  we must remember not to forget the wonderful people in our lives.  We need to show them we love them and appreciate them.   We can get tied up in searching within ourselves and  wondering how our children can have so completely different personality's when it comes to showing love and respect to those who did so much for them as children.   Hope the good new keeps on coming, wishing you and dh the best of health in the future.
     

MLW07

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #9 on: July 27, 2010, 10:16:14 AM »
Great news!  Get well soon Kathleen's DH!

Offline Pen

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #10 on: July 27, 2010, 10:25:29 AM »
Great news, Kathleen. Best wishes to you, your DH, & your sons. I'm relieved to hear it's "only" kidney stones...as your youngest DS said, "We'll take them."
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

kathleen

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2010, 03:33:19 PM »
Thanks so much Julia, ML and Pen, (and again all before,)

I am so much relieved by the better news re. my husband, and so heartened by your responses.

Now that the immediate crisis is past, it does raise the issue in general on this list as to what, if anything, to do, if there
is a terrible and terminal crisis and we feel morally consigned to at least THINK of the lost/rejecting child.

Any views on this are welcome; meanwhile, thank you all again so much, it has been so wonderful to write
and feel and read your responses, and I will keep you all posted,

Appreciate you all so much and send baskets of flowers to each of you,

Kathleen

Offline Pooh

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #12 on: July 28, 2010, 07:08:07 AM »
YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY and did I say YAY? -----> insert Happy Dance here

So glad to hear the good news Kathleen.  You, your DH and YS must be so relieved.

That is a thought-provoking last post.  You feel obligated to tell them, but at the same time do they deserve it after all the uncaring ways they have shown? 

I remember one of my coworkers one time talking about one of our other coworkers.  A lady we worked with developed breast cancer and everyone was rallying behind her, doing yard-sales and such to help with expenses, wearing shirts with her pic in support, walking in charity events in her name, etc.  They were going all out.  One lady, who prior to this situation, had always been mean and hateful to this lady, spoke badly about her every chance she got and was NOT her friend.  My coworker was pointing out how angry it made her that now this lady was wearing a shirt with her pic on it, helping organize everything, and being her best friend now.   She was talking about how hypocritical it was to be mean to someone then when a tragedy struck, be their best friend.  Made me wonder how much of it was truly sincere and how much was just a show for everyone.

And I guess that is how I would feel even with my own son.  If he started being "super son" because of the situation, was he truly sincere?  Could I be grateful that he was showing interest now or would I be resentful that he didn't show interest before? 

I think I would feel that he was doing it to make himself feel better and alleviate guilt.  I would hope I could try to be grateful for the change. Tough call.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #13 on: July 28, 2010, 07:49:36 AM »
Oh Kathleen
great news....thank you....

yes, I'm with Pooh, happy dance!!!!!

hope all continues to develop like this with each and every new day....

Hugs
Creme

Offline elsieshaye

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Re: Husband Ill
« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2010, 04:59:09 PM »
Excellent, excellent news!!  I'm so happy for you and your family!
This too shall pass.  All is well.