"Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)

[Postscript]

Creme you are absolutely right, especially about the only person you can change is yourself.  I meant to a point, while the thought that it could be anyone she hated is a comfort, it's a cold one because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  That's why I removed myself from the situation really.  Self change.

It is however nice to know it's not me, it's her issue.

[neecee]

This is my first dialogue on line.  My husband and I have recently experienced the "DIL from Hell" and our son is in her purse.  Really, we liked her!  Isn't that odd?  We thought she was so good for him.  We tried to maintain that position, but to no avail. 

THe day our new DIL got back from her honeymoon, we got the first poison pen email.  What a shock!  The new DIL cried and wrote poison pen emails and bullied and belittled and manipulated until, after literally months of asking them to just "give this time", she pinned us into a corner.  And that isn't easy.  We tried to keep things light and tried not be in a negative conversation.  We paid a family therapist to confirm our position of giving them time to adjust to each other without us hovering about.

We expected our son to support his wife...Geez, we raised him to be that way!  Anyway, now there is no relationship.  Thank heavens for the other kids or we would think we were going nuts.

I am a mother of adults.  My other kids are pretty happy, well adjusted and have their own lives.  We are busy, excited about retirement and have our own lives.  Same for our friends.

Why does it seem to anyone that a MIL wants to hurt her sons wife?  My friends are MIL's.  We want our kids to have good lives, take care of each other and take us out to Denny's when we are on walkers...and  for Pete's sake...not come back to live with us.

The old proverb is "If you argue with your MIL and win, you lose; and if  you argue and you win you still lose."

Make these women your very best friends and you will always have help!  Be nasty and you will get therapy with your minister or priest.  I would rather go to Denny's.

[luise.volta]

Welcome, NeeCee...meet you at Dennys!

[elsieshaye]

Neecee, I'm sorry about what you're going through with your son.  I hope he figures things out and reestablishes a relationship with you.

[Pooh]

Welcome Neecee and trust me, you are so not alone.  It was really helpful for me to read all the stories and advice on this forum.  I used to love Denny's at 2 oclock in the morning and now I find I love it better at 5 oclock in the evening.  Not that the food is better....I just can't stay up that late anymore!!!

[cremebrulee]

Postscript
Creme you are absolutely right, especially about the only person you can change is yourself.  I meant to a point, while the thought that it could be anyone she hated is a comfort, it's a cold one because there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.  That's why I removed myself from the situation really.  Self change.

Hi Post, yes, I knew you meant no insult and I just wanted to let you know, I understand...I to removed myself...and yes, indeed, a cold comfort....hugs....

It is however nice to know it's not me, it's her issue.

that's what I meant...it's not you...there was a time, when I doubted my every being...I didn't listen to that voice inside...and it was comforting to gain support from not only here but my friends and family.

huggin you
Creme

[cremebrulee]

Welcome Neecee...I'm very sorry to read your story...
sending hugs and love

[autumnwoman]

Miss Priss - I am sorry that your MIL is that type of person.  I am a soon to be MIL and have FDIL issues as you read the other day.  But I am was so nervous that somehow they would find out I wrote on this site that I deleted the entire topic.  I did take your advice and I have now removed myself from the situation.  My DS #1 , FDIL have issues with my DS #2 girlfriend, and I have told both to talk to each other and not to me anymore.  It's not my issue but theirs.  I speak with them about anything else but that issue.  I wanted to thank you even though it was hard to hear that I knew too much informatin about my sons lifes but it gave me another perspective to think about.    My FDIL still has her issues but I won't let them be my issues any more.  The topic was Sadly losing my Son.

I want both my sons to stand on their own feet and be men to start and be a family of their own.  They will always be my sons but I want to share in their lives not be their life.  I hope that in time your MIL will understand how much more fulfilled her life would be if she would just relax and backoff a little.

I don't ever want to be that type of MIL, so I will continue to read these posts and use them as guidance when dealing with my FDIL's and remember we are all GOD's children and  life is truly short so cherish every day with your loved ones.

Thanks again!

Autumnwoman

[miss_priss]

Why does it seem to anyone that a MIL wants to hurt her sons wife?  My friends are MIL's.  We want our kids to have good lives, take care of each other and take us out to Denny's when we are on walkers...and  for Pete's sake...not come back to live with us.

Neecee - I totally see where you're coming from.  Not all MIL's are evil.  In fact, I'd venture to say that most of them are awesome, because they are awesome as people.  Most people are reasonable, rational, compassionate, and understanding...willing to compromise.  My xMIL was a wonderful woman.  I love her to this day and haave maintained a solid relationship with her, even through divorcing her son, and have even confided in her about situation with my current MIL. 

But as time has passed, I've seen that my MIL is NOT a reasonable person, and she's demostrated this on numerous occasions. Just a few months ago, we were all at a wedding for a family member (her nephew), and was walking around with our infant daugher.  She told my infant daughter (close enough and loud enough for me to hear), "Don't worry sweetheart, someday I'll take care of that mommy and it'll just be me and you and Daddy."  Of course I quickly grabbed my daughter from her and got as far away as possible.  I told her she was sick and to stay away from my daughter and I.  She immediately got upset and told my husband that I had snatched our child from her (of course she didn't tell him why, and she called me a liar when I told him what she had said.  Later, after the drinking began at the reception, she was so "blitzed," that she didn't even realize I was there, listening to her bash me and verbally threaten me to other family members.  She told them (her family) how I had ruined her family, I had ruined her son, I was keeping her grandchild away from her, and that I was put on this planet to make her life hell."  Those she was speaking to knew I was standing there (right beside her!) listening, but she didn't even realize it.  I guess "a drunk man's words really are a sober man's thoughts."   

She's a mean spirit deep down, she's passive aggressive with most everyone in her life, not just me.  She talks nasty about people, then smiles to their faces, just like she did with me for the longest time.  I started to see through her fake smile and no longer tolerated it, and that's really when the trouble started with she and I.  Her added role as MIL doesn't really have anything to do with it, she's just a nasty person altogether and most people who know her will tell you the same thing.     

So I guess my point is (I need to work on my "concise" skills, LOL), I respect that most MILs are wonderful people.  But just as I know that, I also know that there are truly nasty, cruel-intentioned folks out there, men and women, MILs and DILs alike. To your point, no I don't believe she gets up every morning and thinks "I'm going to hurt my son today."  But her cruelty, passive aggressiveness, and mean, black spirit have hurt a lot of people around her.  She doesn't take responsibility for her actions, and she honestly believes she's done nothing wrong.  It's really sad how dilusional she is.  She needs help, real help. 

AutumnWoman - I slapped my own self on the hand after I posted to your thread, for maybe being too hard on you.  I'm known for being brutally honest, and 8 years in the Army hardened me, more than I'd like to admit sometimes...I'm not great at spoon-feeding for sure!  But I know that when I'm having a pity party for myself, my closest girlfriends tell me what I NEED to hear, not what I WANT to hear, and even though that's the toughest thing to swallow sometimes...they haven't steered me wrong yet.  Sometimes I need that "good swift kick" in the tail to make me pick MYSELF up for a reality check. 

That being said, there is freedom in removing yourself.  My child is still very small, so I haven't had the experience that so many of these mothers have with adult children.  But I am an adult child, and so are my siblings and friends.  I can tell you that some of us want our parents to stay out of our business, while others feel the need to drag their parents into whatever issue is going on in their life.  Right or wrong, its a choice they make.  Your kids apparently are the latter, but how you deal with that is completely up to you.  But you don't have to let it ruin your life, or your relationships with them, as long as you stay out of it and treat them equally no matter what.  Much love to you, and I hope you find release.                   

[autumnlady]

Miss Priss - I understandy why you are brutally honest with your past experiences.  My sons only pick and choose what they tell me so I have chosen not to particpate.  Thank you so much for everything and I will continue to learn as I go forward in my life too!  Take care much love to you and I wish you nothing but the best. 
Autumnwoman

[neecee]

Well...for sure im addicted to this thing now.  Thank you for all the support.  I feel more normal than i have felt for many months. 

[catchingup]

Catchingup:

It was funny how I read with interest what you said about your husband's traits.  Like I was thinking on my hubby.  He does buy things he knows I like withouth me asking, even if he does not eat them.  But...when we go shopping (and it is very rare because he hates to go shopping) and I like a blouse or whatever and it is very expensive, he tells me it looks cheap or its not nice. even if he is not going to pay for it.  It makes me laugh.  He says this only after seeing the price tag.  If I go ahead and buy it, he doesnt say anything.  But when it comes to buying me a car, he goes all for it.  He even insist on me getting a new car.  Sometimes people are funny ha? 


Its intelligent how you are managing things in your relationship with him.  It is sometimes to hard to share your life with some people.   

Just sharing.
Love
Rosie

If I go shopping for something specific (which is not often) I go alone.

"Miser" is an awful word to describe a hubby but boy is he snoop.
It would hurt him to know what I spent on a cardigan(My own money) recently because we had to attend a wedding.

My son is getting married next year and he said "Well you can wear that to his wedding" It is in Summer so out of the question.
What a man !!

My middle son had three weddings to attend in South Africa --he lives in U.K.----and when he went back after the one wedding he asked me to go and buy him a certain shirt at a certain store he did not have time to buy while he was here.

It was a white shirt and hubby said "But I have a white shirt you can wear"
Spontaneously  both my son and I said together"No man" then laughed as he gave me a high five.
What a man!!

[cremebrulee]

Miss_priss

Awesome Post!!!!!!!   

[Nana]

If I go shopping for something specific (which is not often) I go alone.

"Miser" is an awful word to describe a hubby but boy is he snoop.
It would hurt him to know what I spent on a cardigan(My own money) recently because we had to attend a wedding.

]My son is getting married next year and he said "Well you can wear that to his wedding" It is in Summer so out of the question.
What a man !!

My middle son had three weddings to attend in South Africa --he lives in U.K.----and when he went back after the one wedding he asked me to go and buy him a certain shirt at a certain store he did not have time to buy while he was here.

It was a white shirt and hubby said "But I have a white shirt you can wear"
Spontaneously  both my son and I said together"No man" then laughed as he gave me a high five.
What a man!![/color]

You made me laugh catchingup.....  at least you see the funny side to it.......

Let me tell you that my hubby does the grocerird  because he doesnt trust me buying because I dont check prices...that is so funny....he might be right but...ehem.....   love him though

[neecee]

I read with interest the part about writing and deleting sections of a post.  I still am concerned that the DIL is scouring avidly any internet postings which describe her behaviour.  I don't think she is "all powerful", but she can do formidable damage when she wants to.  She also waits for things to fall into place.  There are those who position themselves and others for their spiderwebs.  There were situations that in retrospect, took literally 2 years to culminate.

Anyone ever heard of the Brown Stamp Book?  This was from Transactional Analysis in the 70's.  It is similar to the old S&H green stamps we used to collect to get "rewards" for faithful shopping? 

Anyway.  Someone fills these brown stamp books up with "offenses", usually unknown to the person committing the said "offense".  Then one day, the "victim" just goes belly up to the bar and cashes in!  This is generally cashed in with the litany of offenses against them, which allows the offended person to do some horrific behaviour and feel justified.