Author Topic: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)  (Read 31738 times)

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cremebrulee

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2010, 09:14:07 AM »
Quote
Faith
Fear of abandonment can be so overwhelming and can run our lives to the point that we start to feel like we are going crazy. I am sure many of us have had situations in the past where we thought we would not make it, we could not take it any longer (whatever that "it" was). Today we look back and see that we did survive.

I think people often underestimate their own powers and their own strength.  I see fear of abandonment as closely related to the trust in our ability to take care of ourselves in tough times. We can take good care of ourselves.


Starting to trust ourselves and Higher Power (God, as we understand him to be) coupled with letting go of self doubt are the first steps toward dealing with fear of abandonment.
[/quote]

Some very wise and aware statements....Faith...one of the things I realized and was the most damaging, was, I distrusted myself....this whole thing made me question my own values....asking myself over and over again..."Was I imagining some of this?"  It made me loose self confidence and self respect....it was very embarrassing for me, to say the least....


cremebrulee

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2010, 09:28:17 AM »
Fear of abandonment can be so overwhelming and can run our lives to the point that we start to feel like we are going crazy. I am sure many of us have had situations in the past where we thought we would not make it, we could not take it any longer (whatever that "it" was). Today we look back and see that we did survive.

I think people often underestimate their own powers and their own strength.  I see fear of abandonment as closely related to the trust in our ability to take care of ourselves in tough times. We can take good care of ourselves.

Starting to trust ourselves and Higher Power (God, as we understand him to be) coupled with letting go of self doubt are the first steps toward dealing with fear of abandonment.

In my own experiences, it wasn't about strength to endure, it was doubting my own personal identity....doubting that inner voice....that self confidence....it just destroys all of that....


miss_priss

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2010, 10:03:57 AM »
Hi Creme - I thank you first for disecting my post.  You pointed out "implied" messages that I didn't realize I had...erm, implied.

Quote
This one I believe  is the best for discussion...confronting mil...and if your trying to confront her in a way, that won't get your husband upset, and that is your only concern, then you are not really concerned with resolving a problem with her...only concerned for your own well being in your relationship...which is ok, however, it's not the way one should look at this type of problem...and I disagree that it's your husband's problem...its a problem that involves three people, including you...this is 2010, and realistically, it should be discussed with all 3 present...not a confrontation, but a sincere discussion as to how each one should take ownership and change the relationship to a positive one... 


I guess I didn't post how many times we had, as a couple, tried to sit down with and talk with her.  We invited her into our home to talk (she immediately got defensive and sarcastic and accused us of "ganging up" on her, it didn't turn out well), we invited her to phone counseling with a family therapist (she "couldn't take the call, she was on the phone with a friend who was having a crisis....TWICE), on a weekend she was down visiting friends nearby, we invited her to counseling with our pastor (she told us "going to church doesn't make you any more of a christian than standing in your garage makes you a car," her words, not mine).  She's told us on several occasions that she's the one who's hurt, and we're going to have to come to her to beg her forgiveness.  She stands by "honor thy father and mother" as if it's the only and final verse in the Bible, and continuously throws it at us.  She's cursed us, screamed at us, and thrown our own things at us in our own home.  We can't figure out why she doesn't want to fix this, but we accept that we tried all we could, and now we have discarded that poison from our life and moved on without her.

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In this statement...I can feel your pain and anger and the damage your mil has caused, but please remember, not all MIL's are like this...I honestly have a girlfriend, no 2 girlfriends who have and had a DIL and DIL's that are so close to her....the DIL's sometimes actually have this thing going between them, where each of them say, they are her favorite...it's kind of interesting to me, but they love her as much as they're mothers.  Also, my other girlfriends DIL was like this....so, there are many good stories out there, however, the ones who have good relationships with they're inlaws are not on the internet looking for support....but there are wonderful stories out there and many more then not...
I agree, not all MIL's are like mine (thank goodness!!!!).  To be honest, this is my 2nd marriage.  My first marriage occured when I was VERY young (18), and quickly ended in divorce (though we remained great friends).  However, my xMIL....WONDERFUL lady!  Still now, even 11 years after her son and I divorced, I still hear from her.  She still tells me she loves me and misses me.  I've even confided in her about my current MIL, asking for her point of view from a mother's standpoint.  Through two marriages and 8 years of dating in the middle, I've never had this problem.  I've always been accepted.  I've always loved the mothers, even adored some of them!  Now, if I could only trade in my current MIL for my previous one, without changing hubbys....LOL.  That's just not how it works.  :)

   

cremebrulee

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #18 on: July 21, 2010, 10:11:01 AM »
Hi
well then, you've done all you can, and I'm very sorry she's so stubborn and wants her way....your all missing out on so much due to her stubborness....you should refer her to this website.....

The one thing about sitting down and discussing it, is just that....you can't take personal attack for one's feelings as your MIL has...it's her only trump card, I guess she doesn't want to change or change in her relationships....it's her way or the highway which is so sad and stagnates not only her, but everyone around her....

Hugs
Creme

barelythere

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #19 on: July 21, 2010, 10:32:12 AM »
Fear of abandonment can be so overwhelming and can run our lives to the point that we start to feel like we are going crazy. I am sure many of us have had situations in the past where we thought we would not make it, we could not take it any longer (whatever that "it" was). Today we look back and see that we did survive.

I think people often underestimate their own powers and their own strength.  I see fear of abandonment as closely related to the trust in our ability to take care of ourselves in tough times. We can take good care of ourselves.

Starting to trust ourselves and Higher Power (God, as we understand him to be) coupled with letting go of self doubt are the first steps toward dealing with fear of abandonment.

Thank you, Faith, you have such a great way of making someone understand what is going on. Yes, fear of being kicked out of a family can make you feel like you are losing your mind. You feel it can't be happening and then the terrible what did I do's?  Those questions never end and make you not trust yourself at all.  When all the while, it could be nothing more than systematic destruction of your intentions by someone who is either jealous of your position or just plain wants you out. Still, it's an embarrassing and humiliating trauma that seems to be inflicted on Mothers of sons.  DILS, I'm sure suffer too.   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #20 on: July 21, 2010, 10:53:47 AM »
I think this topic is a very strong and useful one. I would just caution, as mentioned already, that we are extremely diverse. We have Christians, Jews, people from Eastern faiths that I am pretty unfamiliar with, atheists and agnostics...to name a few. For that reason, it works best to state our issues and solutions without specific reference to the source of our beliefs. When we do that, no one feels excluded. We often find the same premise in many different faiths and can work together form that basic commonality. Sending love... 
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

catchingup

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #21 on: July 21, 2010, 11:22:52 AM »
Very true Luise. Beliefs as controversial as Mother-in-laws and daughter -in-laws ;D
Maybe we should ban MIL and DIL here.(Jokes) ;)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #22 on: July 21, 2010, 12:11:48 PM »
I'm not banning...I guess what I'm asking for is respect. It seems to me that not going into specifics works better than initially warning members of other faiths off. It's a very valuable topic and most wouldn't want to miss it. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Alicev

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #23 on: July 21, 2010, 02:34:49 PM »
Cremebrulee -

Quote
Hi Faith
Do you mean a fear of abandonment from your husband, or fear of rejection?  I guess rejection and abandonment could describe rejection from a family member you so wish to get along with?

I commented on miss_priss' MIL's harsh reaction to cutting off the communication.

Offline Pooh

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2010, 09:52:59 AM »
I love reading everyone's viewpoints. 

My only comment (cause you know I can't keep my mouth shut...Lol)

I wish we could fix all our problems, MIL and DIL by simply changing the title of the thread to:

Leave & Cleave AND Honor thy Mother(-in-law).   ;D ;D ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2010, 10:00:13 AM »
That's the key word, isn't it? Honor...or maybe respect. And it's so hard when it isn't earned. I always think respect  should be earned...not just be a "given." Honor Thy MIL and DIL! Yes! Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

MLW07

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2010, 10:07:05 AM »
Luise I totally agree; respect is earned.  My in-laws tried to pull this B.S. on my DH.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2010, 01:32:29 PM by MLW07 »

catchingup

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2010, 10:33:19 AM »
I have seen it a number of times on here"Passive aggressive personality" Does that mean that someone passively manipulates another

Sometimes I feel like I wish my MIL was still around so that I could spit everything out to her.
Miss_priss please dont use the word forgive.

cremebrulee

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #28 on: July 22, 2010, 10:43:07 AM »
lets also try and remember, that sometimes no one did anything wrong....sometimes, two people are just not a good fit and/or there is a personality conflict...not everyone can like each other...however, to respect each other is paramount....in a relationship....

Forgiveness is also the key...once foregiveness takes over, nothing else seems to matter....it seems to calm the spirit and take over as food for the body and soul....there is nothing more positive and peaceful...

QUOTE: Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. Forgiveness can even lead to feelings of understanding, empathy and compassion for the one who hurt you.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life.

What are the benefits of forgiving someone?
Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to so many positive things in life
« Last Edit: July 22, 2010, 10:51:12 AM by cremebrulee »

catchingup

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Re: "Leave & Cleave" vs. Honor thy Mother(-in-law)
« Reply #29 on: July 22, 2010, 10:48:16 AM »
We command respect not demand respect and that is the differance.
What is passive aggressive personality?