Author Topic: A mother is always a mother  (Read 7612 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #15 on: September 02, 2009, 04:40:34 PM »
I think we often talk "apples and oranges"...the dynamics of mother/daughter can be very different from mother/son.

When my youngest son married, his wife saw us together for the first and told me later that she said to herself..."OK, I can be number two in his life." She only told me that after we became vast friends and she had learned that there were two number one females in his life. We are still inseparable, that DIL and I...a quarter of a century later.
And he has never confused which one is the mom and which one is the wife.

And I think C. has a point...if not about obsession...it may be about continuance for many of us. (Not the legal term!) ;D Many of us moms see the family as continuing in a way that our off-spring don't necessarily want or agree with. They start a new clan and may see us as external to that. That makes sense but unfortunately many of us, (me included), see the family unit as expanding, transcending our children becoming adults and incorporating "newcomers." The two concepts are almost diametrically opposed. The former creates a new matriarch of a new family unit while the later leaves the former matriarch in a formidable context.

When each faction expects the other to conform to their particular slant on things, oh, boy!

I have had to learn to back off and shut up. Neither are easy when you've been the leader for a couple of decades and no matter how benevolent...a force to be reconned with. I have had to learn to ask and comply. Whoa! What a concept! However, it is do-able and it makes a huge difference.

I may be shot for this and get tons of minus Karma points, but I feel the son and DIL have a right to make the rules when they establish a new entity. I think some do it ruthlessly, however. And some see trouble where there is none. It also looks like some guys just do head and sand and don't/won't participate.

(Putting my soap box away, now...before the shooting begins.)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

AnnieB

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #16 on: September 02, 2009, 05:44:28 PM »
  Why would my mom be thinking about when I used to poop my pants etc.  If my mom was obsessing like this over me I'm sorry but I would have to say "babe you gotta get a life!"

OMG, I had to laugh at your post Corin -- that segment of my ... poem, or whatever it is... was meant to be funny!   I can see how thinking it was a deep pining from an aging mother to her child's diaper days would have you shaking your head!   

You have some good points, but please be a bit gentler in your posts!   Some of the people in here have some things going on that have separated them from their grown children - that's painful and we're all trying to deal with that, with seriousness and humor and support.

I think we seem obsessed on this site because this site is about talking about our relationship with our grown kids and their spouses.  Most of us would like to get along. 

Myself, I'm figuring out some of the things you'd think would have been in my MIL training manual (which I seem to have lost).   But I'm learning more and more. 

A sense of humor helps (hence my comments on the post that started this).  Having a life of my own, not getting in their stuff, keeping my thoughts to myself, realizing my DiL's may not like me as much as I wish... I had thought I knew about being a MIL because it seemed so easy from afar (when I was a DIL).   It is easy - and it isn't.  There are a lot of personalities involved.

We're all human, we're all trying.   Don't take everything so literally and intensely -- life is too short!    The point is -- we're still the mother of your spouse, even if you don't like us.  As I'm sure you'll find when your daughters are grown, you'll still love them and remember moments from their childhood - even if everything is wonderful and there are no losses or bad moments -- it isn't creepy, it's emotions.   It would be creepy if that was all there was in our lives, but ..that isn't all there is.   But on this site -- that's what we're talking about.



Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #17 on: September 02, 2009, 05:55:55 PM »
AnnieB, thank you for saying so beautifully what I couldn't say.  Your sense of humor is coming through and I love it. 

Just2be, I can't imagine someone not loving you. 

AnnieB

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #18 on: September 02, 2009, 05:57:07 PM »
Many of us moms see the family as continuing in a way that our off-spring don't necessarily want or agree with. They start a new clan and may see us as external to that. That makes sense but unfortunately many of us, (me included), see the family unit as expanding, transcending our children becoming adults and incorporating "newcomers." The two concepts are almost diametrically opposed. The former creates a new matriarch of a new family unit while the later leaves the former matriarch in a formidable context.

When each faction expects the other to conform to their particular slant on things, oh, boy!

I have had to learn to back off and shut up. Neither are easy when you've been the leader for a couple of decades and no matter how benevolent...a force to be reconned with. I have had to learn to ask and comply. Whoa! What a concept! However, it is do-able and it makes a huge difference.

Wow!  I love this because I think it explains it so clearly and empathetically.   This feels like what I've slowly be awakening to...sort of an "aha" moment.

Interesting because while going through this I am also caring for my mother (who had a stroke 9 years ago and is doing pretty well).   She's been giving up her matriarchal stuff along with her independence -- she can't drive, I made Thanksgiving dinner which is what she used to do....

With three generations of women - and my DIL's also have mothers and grandmothers of their own --this leads for some interesting dynamics!

.....

AnnieB

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #19 on: September 02, 2009, 06:02:40 PM »
I just love luise's post.... it reminded me of a dream I had when I was newly married.  We used to go to my husband's family's house every Sunday, every single Sunday! 

We had no way to do our own stuff, because ..well, he wanted to be there, and I think we were expected.  Mostly he wanted to be there because he had 7 brothers and sisters, they were very close and they had no friends outside the family.   

I had a dream once that we were building a new house of our own.  But it wasn't holding up very well, it seemed all rickety when you'd go up the stairs - there were no walls, really and the foundation was flimsy.   In the dream I realized that our house was built onto his parent's house using wood and nails they had left over.   

Deeeepppp.....

Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #20 on: September 02, 2009, 06:18:18 PM »
very deeeeeeeeep, I get it, though.  It got me to thinking: we went every Sunday to my Husband's parents house and then to my family's house after that. I never thought anything about it.  It just was what it was.

We made their lives richer and after all they had done for us, we felt richer by doing it.  It was a little thing that we did but now, I think: 'how the heck did I get my kids and hubby and drive 45 minutes away (Q)'.  makes me tired now just to think about it!

I'm glad for the memories.


Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #21 on: September 02, 2009, 06:37:36 PM »
It's a hard place to be, isn't it, Tam...you just have to be there to understand.

Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #22 on: September 02, 2009, 06:54:39 PM »
What she thinks about his mother, he will think.  She will find a way to get the poor woman out of his life, I fear.  He will let her.

Reading "The Steps" I first posted fit corin exactly....she's in the beginning stages. 

Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #23 on: September 02, 2009, 07:00:55 PM »
There isn't a sense of 'family' anymore....I am so sorry for everyone because they are the people who will love you always. This generation is missing something priceless, even though there were many problems.

Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #24 on: September 02, 2009, 07:09:03 PM »
I know all about that...it's like they have one club, only them and all others are out.  I think it's sad...so sad.  No one really would want to be a part of their lives but they think they're being a clan. 

just2baccepted

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #25 on: September 02, 2009, 07:14:33 PM »
AnnieB - I like your posts.  By the way I was wondering is your mom able to function ok?  My aunt has had several small strokes over the last 4 yrs.  And they slowly took away almost all her abilities.  She wears a diaper and can't feel one of her feet and hands and she sits in her chair and talks to herself.  She never had a "big" stroke just several little tiny ones.  Its really depressing.

Thanks for the compliment Prissy.  I think I'm pretty nice too! I like to laugh and be silly and I used to do that in front of my in-laws but I don't anymore.

Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #26 on: September 02, 2009, 07:26:53 PM »
I don't understand that, Just2be....I hate that for you because it means you can't be your funny self.  That's what I'm up against.  I'm frozen and not myself around my DIL.  It's so sad.

Your inlaws are missing out on a great person. I wish I could talk to them. I would if I could.  I don't know how to be myself with people who don't 'get' me. I guess you feel the same.  You're one in a million.  :)

just2baccepted

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #27 on: September 02, 2009, 07:39:56 PM »
Reading "The Steps" I first posted fit corin exactly....she's in the beginning stages.

Hopfully that's not true.  Maybe she just needs to talk to her MIL like Tamkat said.  Maybe if she feels like she isn't being smothered or whatever then she will feel better about the relationship.

just2baccepted

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #28 on: September 02, 2009, 07:46:59 PM »
Thank you Prissy, that is so sweet  :D

Prissy

  • Guest
Re: A mother is always a mother
« Reply #29 on: September 02, 2009, 07:47:15 PM »
In my heart, I don't think she cares enough about her to talk to her. I used the name Prissy on the mil hate sites, trying to get help and I think, though I have no proof, she might be one of them.  If you'd like to see what they are like, go to one of them and see. They are not accepting of mils, let's just put it that way.