Author Topic: OH BAH!  (Read 1025 times)

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Orly

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OH BAH!
« on: July 05, 2010, 10:21:24 PM »
I'm just going to have to vent ladies. 
My MIL is in a nursing home due to dementia.  I wish it could be going easier...but, due to legalities with my criminally bent SIL(I'll call her BSIL) wanting to see her mother it isn't.  Usually my other two local SILs take care of most of MIL's business and I am the third batter in the line up.  Well, tonight I got the hateful call from my MIL of "Why did YOU put me in this place.  I'm ok! I don't need to be here!"  with the standard slamming of the phone.  (Once again, I am not her conservator, the two local ones are and they were taking a holiday).  I then called the home back to check to see if MIL had gotten a phone call from the BSIL, which she had.  Ok, this is standard after BSIL calls/or sees MIL, because BSIL tells her she is ok and not to co-operate with anyone else.  (MIL just loves BSIL and can't remember she dumped her on another's doorstep without a penny to her name.....which is an on going legal battle too).  BSIL will stir up MIL, leading to a blow-up, which leads to MIL having to be sedated.  I leave text messages with the main conservator to pick up when they come back from the mountains (camping).  I think everything is covered for now.

Not ten minutes later the Nursing home calls me back... MIL has left the building and is missing.  YES, she is very good at escaping without triggering the alarms.  They have the Sherriff's dept. looking for her.  Of course my MIL doesn't know which end of town is which: but, the scary part is the town is very close to farming land and wilderness.  Think Bullwinkle the moose strolling down Main Street regularly.  Compounding the worry factor,  I live about 100 miles away, so I can't go looking for her either.  Twenty minutes into the search she is found....the Director calls and tells me they are going to have to sedate MIL when she is back in the home (state law, they have to call everytime they do this to her), okay...yes, I agree with the medical assessment.  By that time I had gotten hold of one of the conservators to back up the call, legally.  Left messages to all concerned.

"SIGH"....I just needed to blow some steam.  Thanks.

BellaTerra66

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2010, 04:14:18 AM »
That's a lot to handle.  And you obviously have your MIL's best interests at heart.

Is there any way that SIL's phone calls and visits can be limited?  I used to work for the courts in another state and spent a while in conservatorships.  (That was some years ago.)  The conservators could petition the court to limit the phone calls and visits of BDIL, for the well being of your MIL.  At the very least, the phone calls and visits could be monitored.  A petition would need detailed documentation and at least one declaration from the nursing home, but if I remember correctly, it can be done.  The caveat here, of course, is that I am not a lawyer, and you would need to consult with your lawyer (the one who filed for the conservatorship).

I gather, though, that the conservators and DIL are all blood daughters of your MIL.  The conservators may not want to go against their sister.

Just a thoughts.  Things like this are just so difficult.

You hang in there.  Sending loving thoughts and a hug your way.


Bella

cremebrulee

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2010, 05:33:40 AM »
Orly, I'm so sorry to hear your having to endure all of this....sending love and hugs your way...you have a lot on your plate...

I wonder if it would help if hubby would get more involved in talking to them...?  Has he ever? 

I'm wondering if what Bella has offered would be legal in your state?  Might want to check that out....sounds like a good idea?

Love you
Creme

Orly

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2010, 07:31:07 AM »
Bella,
I loved your suggestions and that you offered them up.  We've been in the midst of this wrangling for a period of time and have already covered a lot of legal  tit-for-tats.....visitation was first on the list, since BSIL had dumped MIL.   We had been successful in keeping her from MIL for almost two years....but, things change and judges also get tired of listening to the same-old, same-old.   We were forced to let BSIL come visit.  So now we are having to let the nursing home document things as they occur.  Thank heavens they see BSIL for the nasty piece of work she is!

Creme,
My hubby will go visit his mother....about once a month. He treats her well when he sees her....he just doesn't really want to have any in-depth ties.  Due to her former behavior towards him, she is lucky to get that.  He was raised mostly by his grandparents and he considered them to be his parents (truthfully, they were ).  MIL has just never been there emotionally for her sons and if there had been a wolf-pack available, I'm pretty sure the boys would have been better off there.  This leads one to the other side of the coin....the daughters were treated very well.  Compared to their brothers, almost like royalty.    So, for his mental health and his sake....I help out the responsible sisters and let him contribute what he is able to contribute.  With the sister's blessings!

Last night was just horrible...and I needed to dump off some of the load with my vent.


cremebrulee

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2010, 10:02:57 AM »
I do hope and pray, today is a better day for you, as well as tomorrow.....
things like this only happens to good people...

and I hope all of the lovely ladies in here remember that....

Hugs
Creme

Offline Pooh

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2010, 11:40:05 AM »
Bless your heart Orly.  What a bad night.  You are an angel to step up and help out. 

I am not sure if there is a program there where she is at, but my DH started one here at our local nursing home with the help of grants.  He fits the residents, that have a talent for escaping, with ankle monitors (almost like they have on home bound inmates) and the police department has the device that tracks them.  It is wonderful to be able to go straight to them when they decide to go on a "walk-about" and give the family a peace of mind.  Some people think it is terrible to do to them, but after he dealt with his late Father's alzheimer's for 5 years, chasing him all over the place and constantly worrying until they would find him, he realized how important it was for their safety.

Might be worth inquiring about?

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Orly

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2010, 01:49:39 PM »
LOl, when I say my MIL is an escape artist....she is.   She has an ankle monitor and somehow finds ways to get them off....then schloopie out the door or window.  If they had a chip like you use on your pups I think she could find a way to get it off/out. 
I called and checked in this morning....she slept well and TODAY is having a good day.  I'm getting ready to run over to the main conservator's house and check in with her too. I did get in touch with her as she was coming out of the mountains, so she ran by the nursing home before coming back to town.   I'll update if anything new comes up.   (We put the password back on ALL incoming calls to MIL...I'm sure the BSIL's lawyer will be calling and screaming)

Offline Pooh

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2010, 03:30:47 PM »
Ooohhh.  If she's getting those bracelets off, she is good!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2010, 06:08:15 PM »
What a time you are having! We have had people "escape" from our nursing home here in our retirement center. It's a huge problem. Safety is so hard to provide and maintain. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Orly

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #9 on: July 22, 2010, 05:33:21 PM »
Thanks Luise. 
We are once again in a holding pattern.  The nursing home is conducting an investigation.  The BSIL's lawyer was told NOT to call them as they just wanted to deal with everything through the conservator's lawyer (he is pleasant to talk to and the BSIL's is the poster boy for bad lawyer jokes).  BSIL is once again barred from calling until the investigation is over. 

Mom has called, having bad days she wants to yell at all of us.   I surely hate the days she feels she is 70 years old....those are the bad ones.  (She is 78 btw). 


My little shoulder riding devil is whispering things about "take out a contract on BSIL", and other fantasies of destruction to inflict on her, and I'm not the only one hearing him! LOL!  Other family members are messaging for updates and the latest dirt....it is getting hard to get some relief from it and I'm just the back up.  The conservators are really getting frazzled.

SIGH...soon it will be settled, I HOPE!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OH BAH!
« Reply #10 on: July 22, 2010, 05:43:34 PM »
Oh, Orly, what a mess! I'm am so sorry. I feel like I am 83 going on 103. Got a call that our insurance nurse has visited Val and wants to ask a me few question. It never ends.  Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher