Author Topic: Is it too late to stop this happening?  (Read 2 times)

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Offline justtired

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Is it too late to stop this happening?
« on: Today at 06:42:10 AM »
I don't know where to begin, but I am broken. My story and heartache is not as severe as some, and I can only empathise with some of the posts I have read on this board. I have a 19 year old DD and 2 other children under the age of 10; one with a disability.

My daughter still lives at home with me and my DH (not her biological dad) but problems begun when she was in secondary school. There was the usual teenage pushing of boundaries, but with the new age compromise with your children school of thought led to us sometimes agreeing/compromising on boundaries that we were not always comfortable with and in an effort to do better than our parents did, I guess you could say we gave in a lot of the time. Our DD always complained when told to do chores and would find excuses or put them off, if we asked her to do something there was a lengthy negotiation and reason explaining and then a defiant attitude letting us know how much she resented our requests.

I admit I am an emotional person so feel things deeply and have also not been well the last few years; I had a major back operation 6 weeks ago. But I have always tried to show an interest in my daughter, give her space when I felt perhaps I was being too interested in her life and let her know that I love her and am here for her.

Fast forward to now age 19, to the outside world, our daughter is polite, well mannered, and is doing something good for herself. As a family we have always had a strong work ethic and she appears to have taken this on board and is currently on a work training scheme, however at home she is horrible to share space with, she'll come in all cheery on the phone but say hello through gritted teeth and go back to her cheery conversation, she refuses to share communal space opting to go downstairs when we are all upstairs, but the biggest situation we have been facing is the continual shutting out. She does not converse with us at all apart from hello and goodbye although she will make small talk with her younger siblings. We have never been like this as a family so it is having an impact on all of us. You see, everything is fine in the house until she is challenged, asking her to take her washing upstairs, remove excessive amounts of shoes from the door way, putting her plate in the dishwasher, clearing her belongings from a spare room, clearing hazards off her staircase, lead into a confrontation. Following confrontation, we get the silent treatment, not for days for weeks on end.

She wants to live in a world where she is not asked to anything other than what she wants to do. I ask her several times to do something until I finally get annoyed and my approach I admit is not as friendly as in I want it done now! Over the last 6 months, this has escalated into her bringing people into our home without our knowledge and her grandparents who are in their late 70's have managed to reconcile us on 3 occasions. But this current time, I saw my father break down and cry at the disharmony she is causing, she says all the right things in front of him and we take on board adjustments needed in our parenting but to no avail and the same outcome. its now 3 weeks since she spoke to us and I fear I am reaching the point of no return, we have tried talking and I have tried explaining that whilst in the family home, if she is asked to do something, it is expected to be done, afterall I am not asking her anything strenuous or outrageous, just to pick up after herself. My husband and my marriage is now at breaking point as he has had enough to being spoken to through gritted teeth if at all, yet that man would do anything for her, I am broken as this time I feel we are heading for a cutting in ties. The home feels toxic right now and she says if we have a problem with what she is doing to tell her but yet when we do, we get cast out. We constantly walk on eggshells.

I know it sounds like I am giving up and maybe I am in a sense, I have struggled and worked hard to pave a life for my daughter and I have got some things wrong (for which I have apologise for) along the way, I don't want to be estranged from her, but at this moment in time, he has made it clear that she does not want anything to do with us.

Is there anyway I can turn this around before it's too late? I cant take anymore and feel I am going into self protection mode.