Author Topic: twin daughters distant and seem to blame me for a bad childhood  (Read 356 times)

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Offline thimble

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Hi I'm new here.

Just a little upset with my daughters at the moment.They are  27years of age and i feel and they feel very distant from me.
one of them says she had a bad childhood,and i keep saying sorry not really knowing what I have done.

When they were 15years one of them had anorexia and my husband to be and I had to put her into a clinic,it was tough,like having a baby again.I was also losing my mum who died just as she was being let out of the clinic.I was in depression then,and i think i didn't spend time with the other daughter.

The other daughter didn't seem to want to be in volved in family things but would moan that we aren't close as a family?

The daughter with anorexia moved into away and lives with her boyfriend and his mother,she seems to be happy,but i know she is safe.
This is nearly 10 years ago,since then everything has been fine ,the other twin said the other day that she had a bad childhood,they both seem to dislike my husband .
My husband now took my 4 children on ,he has been so good with them,but at the time it was hard for us both and he step up and disciplined them when i was exhausted.
The other daughter everytime we try to family things she will not participate.Her eldest sister has moved down with her little one ,which the other twin was so excited,but she lets her down when they arranged to meet.
I was hoping the other twin would pop in to see me and our grand child when we have him,but it doesn't happen.

When I tried to speak to her about this she says we aren't close and she feels very distant from us and has being going on about the bad childhood.,my eldest daughter and i are bewildered about all this.

I have written her a letter saying it is her who makes her self distant,and as for the bad childhood i will not keep apologizing,I did my very best with things,and it hurts me she can say such things to me.
My dad passed away in my arms in December and I have had the responsibility to sell the house and help my 9 brothers cope with it all.
The house was in our family for 46 years and it was so sad for me to go through all of their things.

If only she could understand,your parents aren't here for ever.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: twin daughters distant and seem to blame me for a bad childhood
« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2017, 06:03:51 PM »
Hi Thimble.  Welcome to WWU! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit for you; we are a monitored Website.

I moved your post from the HomePage to the Adult Sons and Daughters section.  I'm sorry it has taken us so long to see and respond to your post.  The software has been having notification issues.  I hope you are still with us! 

I'm sorry to hear about what you're dealing with.  The key phrase you wrote above says it all:  You did the best you could.  You have apologized.  If this daughter refuses to accept that and move on, that is her choice.  My take is that you don't need to accept any more blame or even hear any more about it.  If she is unwilling to let go of the blame, she knows where to find you when she is ready.  I guess I just wouldn't engage in that topic anymore.

There are others on the forum who have had similar issues, and you will find many former posts that might be helpful to you.  You're not alone.


Offline Marina

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Re: twin daughters distant and seem to blame me for a bad childhood
« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2017, 07:09:04 PM »
Thimble, 
It may be that, at 27, your daughters don't have the maturity or life experience to appreciate the challenges you have been through.  If the topic comes up again, I would deflect talking about the past and instead have them focus on making the relationship better NOW.  It is easy for them to just complain and do nothing to improve the situation.  Have them suggest what they would like to do to draw you all closer.  As long as you let them know you love and care for them and that you do want a better relationship, I think that is all you can do. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: twin daughters distant and seem to blame me for a bad childhood
« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2017, 07:55:44 PM »
Welcome. T. It took me a long, long time to get that it was my son's job to make sense of his life, not mine. I didn't see my mothering ending when he left home and had no idea that I had fulfilled my biological role. His maturing, his making sense his childhood and parents, his take on his strengths and weaknesses were what was and is called growing up. A mother can't pick up an adult child and carry him/her through adulthood. Adult children have to make choices and learn from them...or not.


My eldest son got stuck in blaming me. It was so much easier. And I have to admit I got stuck in accepting his take on my many imperfections.


I was shocked when I finally got that my job was done and it was time for me to have a life. That may be true of many of us. What? Really?


Please know that all of us here listen and we all care and share. Hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline raindrops_on_my_soul

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Re: twin daughters distant and seem to blame me for a bad childhood
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2017, 07:23:03 PM »
A mother can't pick up an adult child and carry him/her through adulthood. Adult children have to make choices and learn from them...or not. Luise, this couldn't be more true and it really touched home with me. Thank you for your words of wisdom sweet lady, and everything you do here  :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: twin daughters distant and seem to blame me for a bad childhood
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2017, 08:08:18 AM »
You're welcome. I love my WWU family!  :D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher