Author Topic: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom  (Read 494 times)

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Offline hollap

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OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« on: July 28, 2017, 11:47:14 PM »
Hello, everyone. I'm new to this website. I have been trying to talk to someone without people knowing what was going on. My OS was talking about a business venture but didn't have the funds to follow through. OS knows nothing about running a business, but, thought it would be a great deal because, in his eyes, he knows everything. I've asked questions regarding the start-up costs, expenses, inventory, etc. He got upset and told me that I knew nothing about running a business. I suggested that he should work at the restaurant for at least 6 months to learn the ins and outs of the business. He thought that was a horrible idea.
Because none of my suggestions were considered, I decided not to help my OS with the funds to take over the business (because I don't know anything about the business, nor the place). I am at retirement age; therefore, all the money that I have is all I have. He was wanting $70,000 to pay off the business and its entirety (excluding the building and land).
Each time I have tried to speak to him, I only get a 'grunt.' He didn't even call me for my birthday. He told some people that parents are supposed to support their children in any endeavor they choose.
IMO, this generation is all about 'entitlement.' Do I owe my OS anything? I'm so sick of the manipulation. He lives with his dad. I don't visit anymore because I'm given the cold shoulder. I've tried talking to him; but, I get no answer. I have given up. Am I wrong? Please help me understand.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2017, 05:12:39 AM »
Welcome, H. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

Those OSs can certainly cause us a lot of heartache when they pull away!  Mine was so certain that he was right and I was wrong that he did the same thing.  I didn't hear from him on Christmas, Mother's Day, my anniversary or my Birthday for a few years.  There was some contact but never on any special days.  I think he sat at home and relished how he was hurting me, kinda like"That will teach her".  My horrible offense?  I told him that the woman he was marrying would hold him back and he needed to finish school before he married her.  She has since been diagnosed as bipolar, they have two (adorable!) girls and he tells me that as soon as he can afford it he is going to divorce her.  Dagnabbit I wish I had been wrong and he had been right!

I nearly lost my mind during the wedding and the first few years!  This site saved me.  The archives are filled with the stories of other women who have found what they needed here, a supportive community who have 'been there, done that'.

As for you DS I would hesitate to give him money without a full accounting from the business he wants to buy.  Maybe you could stop by a bank and get the forms they require for a business loan and get him to fill them out?  Tell him that you are considering loaning him the money.  Trust me, the banks are going to ask far more questions than you did and it might make him realize that those questions are not being nosy but being practical?  Or do you know someone else who owns a business that you could get to look at your DS's ideas and approve before you loan him money?  Preferably some male that both of you really trust who has a real mind for finance.  I say male because at this age many sons will not believe that a female can handle more than a grocery run.  I would also tell him what you told us, you have the money but you saved it for your retirement.  Your parents did not give you the money and there will not be any more money coming in.  You are hoping to not be a burden on him in your old age and you deserve to have some fun after all those years of working.  Honestly I do not expect any of this to work though if any does great!!

What worked for me?  Well, I had to stop thinking about my DS.  I had to plan other things for my special days and stop sitting by the phone and checking the mailbox.  I had to stop trying to talk to him about it and stop trying to fix it.  My DH and I went canoeing for Thanksgiving.  Left the house for Christmas.  Every time I thought about my DS (and it was often!!) I had to pull my thoughts to something else.....my DH, my other son, my dear friends and the other family members I so adore.  My DS finally reached a point where he started contacting me.  Things will never be the same and for that I am kind of sorry, but I know I will never be the victim of another person who holds out their love as a punishment for my actions again.  I am stronger than that, I deserve better than that and I am going to get it!

I wish you luck with your situation but know that we are here for you if you need us!  Hugs!!



Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline jdtm

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2017, 05:56:31 AM »
Your son is correct - parents should support their children in most (not all) endeavours.  But support does not mean just funds - it means offering advice (or not - which often is the better), or not criticizing and let them fail (and hopefully learn while doing so), or just saying "I have faith in your judgment" (even if faith means it will be a learning experience) or simply "you are now an adult and the ways of today's world confuse me".  I think you did support your son - just not in the way he expected or desired.  Stilllearning has good advice - focus on the other parts of your life and trust your son will eventually "learn" how to be an adult.  You cannot do this for him.  Glad you have joined us ....

Offline Monroe

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2017, 09:07:22 AM »
H - you are getting some valuable perspectives here.   

Here my concern: You loan him the money.  His business fails (many of them do).  He cannot pay you back.  It could destroy your relationship with him. My experience has been to use tough love instead of enabling. I find it much harder but it gives young adults a chance to make their own way and learn, (we hope), in the process.

Good luck - Stay strong. 
« Last Edit: July 29, 2017, 10:08:40 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2017, 10:11:24 AM »
M., I modified your post. Please remember the 'Take what you want and leave the rest' principal we support here. We don't refute the posts of others or debate their contributions or use capital letters to make a point. Time to reread and recommit to the Vision Statement on the upper left on the HomePage and the Forum Agreement in Read Me First. Thanks.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2017, 11:20:06 AM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline hollap

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2017, 12:12:42 PM »
Thank you, all for your support.
It's amazing to read that there are a lot of people who in the same situation as me.

As far as my DS/OS goes, he's never been told 'no.' He got angry at us (when I was married to his dad) and moved out. He leased a condo @ $900 per month. However, every month he would call and ask me to help him with his rent ($600) each month for 4 months.
Yet, living at home, he has never paid anything towards rent, utilities, food, etc. He's been home living with his dad and doesn't even like to clean his room.
When I brought up about cleaning the restaurant he got angry. That's because he gets angry when his dad asks him to clean his room. Did I mention that he's 32 years old? Ugh. So frustrated. However, all of the responses have made me a stronger person.

I just heard from my daughter that he doesn't plan on talking to me until I apologize (about what, I don't know).
He might start talking to me because he needs a babysitter for his 9-year-old daughter. I'm thinking that if he asks me, I'll do it for my granddaughter. However, part of me does not want to do it because he's just using me because it will benefit him.
What to do; what to do!
Once again, thank you to all who responded.


Offline hollap

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2017, 12:19:57 PM »
I forgot to mention that when he asked for 70K, and I said, "What happens if it doesn't work out because you know nothing about this business?" He responded, "Well, we could say, "At least we tried!!" I said, "At least we TRIED??" What does that mean? That means I'm out 70K. That's what that means.
He did try and get a loan through a bank--doesn't have a job, no money, or no credit.

I'm so glad I found your website! xoxoxox Thank you! I feel so much better! I think I'm finally getting angry about being taken advantage of...

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2017, 12:31:29 PM »
I think I might be mad about being used and be inclined not to let him do it. But more than that is the opportunity to learn not to feel guilty about wanting to live the life I deserve. 

Personally I would babysit my Granddaughters more often if work did not interfere.  Yes, it benefits my DIL but more than that it benefits me and my grands!  I get some time with them, they get to know me and not the person my DIL describes, and we built memories to help us out later when we need them the most.  I try not to think about how my DIL should watch her own children (she doesn't work) or how much less time I have than she does.  It gives me some time to spend with my DS when he picks them up too!!  Anyway I try to remember that "what you focus on expands" and focus on the joy I get from being around those two wonderful hand fulls!  They are almost 4 and almost 2 so the day is very, very busy!!  LOL 
« Last Edit: July 29, 2017, 03:09:08 PM by luise.volta »
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Bamboo2

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2017, 04:50:08 PM »
Welcome, Hollap! Sorry for the issues you're having with your son.  My daughter had issues of entitlement and thought as her parents we would cosign on loans, pet-sit, etc.  When we refused to do that, we got the cold shoulder treatment. The women here helped me stay strong and clearly let her know we would not accept this behavior.  I was angry because it felt like she was just using us. Slowly but surely she came around, and things are much better now.  She still mostly calls when she wants information, but at least she has modified her expectations, knowing we aren't going to cave to her every whim. 

From what you've said, it sounds like you really don't want to loan him the money. So I might let him know that's the end of the discussion.  As for your GD, I'd base my decision to babysit on what is best and convenient for you, and take DS out of the equation.

Offline hollap

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #9 on: July 30, 2017, 01:54:07 PM »
Again, I appreciate all of the feedback I'm receiving.
Bamboo: When I talked to my XHub about helping him at least with 20K, he said, "Definitely not!" I don't want anything to do with something I don't know about. So, I backed him on his decision. Then, he turns around and lends him 10K (without me knowing) and then goes to the bank and takes out a loan (14K) --my DS will make monthly payments. My DD told me about this. When I confronted the X about the loan situation, he said, "I'm going to back my kids as much as I can!" So, that left me looking like the bad person.

I've included my DS in businesses before. He has gotten angry and just says, 'I'm not helping you do this!" I've purchased homes to renovate and sell. I've asked him if he wanted to help me clean and fix them to sell. He says, "I'm not working for free" (yet, he lives for free). I take full responsibility for him being spoiled. I didn't give my kids everything they wanted. I was a stay at home mom. When we could afford it, we would go out and do things.
I believe my DS is a narcissist. No, I'm sure of it. It pains me to admit this. 
« Last Edit: July 30, 2017, 03:35:23 PM by luise.volta »

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2017, 02:51:27 PM »
While your son's dad may say one thing and do another, i'd be inclined to let it play out as it will and not be concerned about it. My DD was able to get an apartment without us cosigning, and I believe it was her BFs mom enabling her as she stood to benefit from it - the BF was a major mooch off anyone he lived with, and the mom knew my DD would support him financially and try to make him grow up. (That didn't work). My husband and I were the unfavored ones and she spent all her time with BF and his large extended family.  It was so painful!  But there were lessons to be learned by DD that I couldn't teach her.  One was that she was being used by BF and his family. I think she is finally seeing the light about that, but we don't really talk about him so I'm ignorant about whether they are even together - and that is very liberating!

In your case, sounds like your ex-husband is the one likely to learn a few lessons about lending and giving money to someone who doesn't have a plan or take responsibility. He might look like a hero now, but when he starts expecting loans repaid it might not be pretty. You can't really control any of that.  Letting go of what I can't control has worked well for me.

Like all moms, I realized I did my best, based on what I knew or believed, and continue to do so.  Others may disagree with that, but as Luise likes to say, "What others think of me is none of my business"  and that applies to my adult kids as well as anyone.  What I think of myself, though, DOES matter.  I'm still working on that   ::)

Offline hollap

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2017, 03:41:10 PM »
Bamboo,
Very well said!

Then again, I have been going through a divorce for 3 years (not my choice to divorce, by the way)... up to now, the X hasn't made an attempt to give the attorney his financial papers. That's because when and if we do, he'll have to pay twice as much taxes as he pays now.
I have 2 other children who I get along with very well.
I was thinking about what I did as a parent that was so wrong. I remember when my boys were little, I would tell their dad, 'Get the boys up and have them help with yard work. Show them how to change the oil in the car. Teach them how to change a tire, put air in the tire, put water in the radiator, change the windshield wipers, etc. My X never did. He would just say that it was easier if he did it himself. "Let the boys sleep. They're fine." Now, two grown men live with their dad. No one mows the lawn. No one throws the trash. No one cleans their room. And, my X is extremely clean.
My X recently had emergency surgery due to a previous surgery. He was sent home with 2 IVs, twice a day for 6 weeks. He had a very bad infection. My boys did not offer to help with anything. They went to the hospital once to see him. As far as being concerned about being sick, there has been no compassion.
My DS quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Having this business (his business, but, not put in his name) will show that he has no job. Therefore, no child support money will be paid out.
The list goes on and on. He says he knows more than anyone else. My 33 years experience as a mother doesn't matter--he knows everything about parenting.
It seems as if the more I write, the more I remember, the angrier I get. This forum is helping me tremendously.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: OD doesn't talk to me = Heartbroken Mom
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2017, 05:38:37 PM »
H., my guess is that we have pretty much offered you our best as we have related our experiences to your situation. There's a lot here for you to consider, digest and maybe even try. Sometimes too much information can bring overload and cloud the issue(s). If so, the next step may be one-on-one counseling. I agree that finding the right one sometimes isn't easy. With that in mind, I am going to close this thread before we start repeating ourselves. We are in your corner!
« Last Edit: July 31, 2017, 05:40:28 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher