Author Topic: I'm seeing a pattern, need help coping...  (Read 579 times)

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Offline durga

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I'm seeing a pattern, need help coping...
« on: June 12, 2017, 08:41:56 AM »
My daughter called me her best friend while she was growing up.  She shared everything with me.  I have always tried to listen and instead of offering opinions, ask her what would make her happy.

When my daughter planned her wedding to BF of 8 years, I was excited about helping and offered to do anything she needed. The only part of wedding planning that I was involved in was dress shopping with her.  She bought the 3rd dress she tried on, so it was a short involvement.  DH & I paid for a portion of the wedding, as did my ex.   MIL made flyers for ceremony, name cards for dinner tables, she made an ornate card box, helped make center piece decorations, planned & paid for the rehearsal dinner, organized the rehearsal and wedding itself, decorated the church.  When DD and husband moved into new house, MIL painted.  I offered to help, but wasn't contacted.

SIL decided he wanted a divorce 8 months after wedding, daughter and I talked every day through the recovery process.  Even though I was sad and didn't want to see her go through the anguish of lies, betrayal and heartache, I did enjoy talking to her about how she felt, what she wanted in life, etc.  She moved 4  times in 5  months after the divorce, DH & I helped each time.

She started dating a new fellow a few months after the divorce.  As their relationship has gotten closer, I feel pushed aside.  In the six months of this year I have seen her approximately 6 hours.  If I ask her to come for dinner she'll stay 45m and then go.  We talk on the phone for 15m once a week or so, and I get an occasional text.    On the other hand, she, BF and his parents took a trip out of state for 10 days in April.  They have brunch on weekends.

On Mothers Day we went to our son's college campus  (an hour away) and I asked if DD and BF would like to ride with us (it would have given us a couple more hours together), she said no, they had an errand.  When we met at the restaurant, they had decided not to run the errand.  We had a two hour dinner which was strained.  If I asked a question of her I'd get a one or two word response.She was moving in with her BF the following week, I asked if she needed help, no his parents were going to help.  And for Mothers day with his mother, they walked in the morning with his family, hung out at his parents house all day and went out to dinner.   

I saw her 15m that following week, to pick up things I have given her that she doesn't want anymore.
Memorial weekend DD and BF go to his parents cabin.  And the two following weekends since.

I'm seeing a pattern, when DD is seriously involved with a man, I am dropped like a hot potato.  The man's parents become more important than me/us.

I am trying so hard to stick to my mantras of "I release you from my expectation of having a close relationship"  "I release you from my expectation of being a friend/confidant" "I release you from my expectation of seeing you/speaking to you weekly".

This hurts.  And I'm not sure I understand.  Any insights?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: I'm seeing a pattern, need help coping...
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 09:36:38 AM »
Welcome, D. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Your plight is all too familiar to many of us. What I was finally able to do with my garden-variety expectations was to move past trying to understand. I got that I couldn't make sense of the senseless and chose to pass on what felt thoughtless to me. Little by little I turned more toward those in my life that were mutually respectful and supportive. He was an adult. I'd done my best and his choices were his to learn from...or not. After that my life improved a lot. Hugs to you!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Marina

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Re: I'm seeing a pattern, need help coping...
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2017, 10:31:21 AM »
Welcome, Durga

I understand your hurt, though I don't understand the reasons for your DD's behavior.  It must be very confusing to have the relationship with your DD change so dramatically.  Even if you knew her reasons for acting this way, it wouldn't change anything.  It sounds like you have been a really good mom. 

I had a close relationship with my DS, but that changed after he married because DIL did not want me in their lives.  It helped a lot to read the many similar stories on WWU so I could come to terms with the reality of the situation.  I am still healing but much stronger.  Take some time to read older threads and post when you need to.  The ladies here understand.   

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: I'm seeing a pattern, need help coping...
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2017, 11:51:16 AM »
Struggling with this for 6 yrs.  Son was loving, funny, close to us.   when grandchildren came both DS and DIL treat us like an unpleasant obligation.  Still trying to move through things. Don't know if understanding will ever come.  I try to just take whatever time we get and let the rest go.  Always hurtful because i love him and miss him

Offline Pen

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Re: I'm seeing a pattern, need help coping...
« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2017, 08:31:26 PM »
Welcome, D. I'm glad you found us.

There are still days when I am brought to my knees by sorrow, resentment, envy, etc. etc. but they are fewer and farther between now, thanks to this site and all the WW here.

I'll always miss the close, easy relationship I had with DS. We don't have any other family nearby, and it hurts that DS is more involved with DIL's FOO than with us. But that's how it is, and I get to choose how I want to live through it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb