Author Topic: Re: My Adult Son Blames Me  (Read 801 times)

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Offline Rockyboo

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« on: May 11, 2017, 10:37:59 PM »
I am so glad I found this sight. Most of my son's life has been filled with anger and intolerance. He has had a variety of issues since he was very young and rather complex to really get into now and although I was not mother of the year, I love my children with all my heart. My daughter is always saying she has the best mom in the world (she's 25) but my 26 year old son says the complete opposite. I sought help for his problems with doctors. he was diagnosed with ADD, but I knew that they weren't quite getting everything.  As he grew, I encouraged him, begged him and demanded he seek help. Well of course the only help he needed was "not having me as a mother". He has been verbaally, and mentally abusive to me, my daughter and my mother. We feel for him because we know deep down that he is a great guy. He has now been diagnosed as bipolar and was trying to work on himself, but now he has a girlfriend who has joined in the blame game and he's heading in  downward spiral. I however am too and I can't take the pain and anger this brings in my life. What do I do, he says he was told by a counsellor to cut all ties with me. She supposedly said this after a 45 minute initial assessment. I am ready to cut ties myself, but I love him and wish I didn't feel this way. I am really starting to feel like my head is in a constantstate of confusion and disruption becuase he twists and turns everthing that is said or occurs and he leaves me wondering what the heck just went on. The pain is excrutiating because I don't want to lose my son, but I'm loosing myself. how does everyone cope?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2017, 07:36:34 AM »
Welcome, B. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a moderated Website.

Because WWU is eight years old, our archives hold a wealth of help from those over the years that have worked their way through this. I had the same dynamic, my eldest son blamed me for everything and my youngest thinks I walk on water. Neither is true, of course. Like you, I was just another mom doing her best from day to day.

For me, what needed to happen was to get that I mattered. My adult children had to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences...or not. Abuse is abuse...and it hurts the abuser to be allowed to do it from my point of view.

You will hear from others here and we are here for you. Hugs...

 
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline not like the movies

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #2 on: May 12, 2017, 10:09:55 AM »
Hello. I can feel your pain. I have had a similar situation with my 32 yr old daughter. This website helped me understand I was not alone. I learned this is more common than I understood. I have had to make a life about myself. That remedy has been my only protection against the cyclical ups and downs with my adult daughter. The first time I experienced her complete cutoff it was very painful. Each subsequent time has been less. I now have other things in my life besides her drama that occupies my time. Most of us have had some pain in our childhoods but we don't all grow into adults still acting like children. My daughter just needs more time and more life lessons to grow up. I just no longer need to parent her. I can't. I don't want to. She is 32. I love her but at times struggle with liking her behavior. I have spent a lot of time and energy and finances on trying to understand her pain and wounds while I over looked the pain and wounds she caused me and others. I also realized I lacked boundaries with her. Slowly I established them. At times I let my guard down and bam back in it. I am getting better each year as I focus on my happiness. I was a decent mother and thank goodness I have a son that tells me that. I try to my best each day to detach mentally and emotionally from the chaos when it is in full swing as it is now. It takes work and practice to make up my mind to be happy even if she is not. My life is about me. My daughter is only a part. Now that she is 32 I get to decide how much and what that needs to be for me. I get to choose. When she chooses to distance I now have a life full of other choices. This is not an easy journey but it is manageable. I can tell you I am different in positive ways because of it. I learned what my part was in keeping the pain alive for me. I worked on fixing the only thing I could, me. I still have room to improve. It's a process. I can still get sucked in but I can pull out sooner and with less damage to me. The best thing I can model to her and my grandchildren is to take care of myself.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Offline Rockyboo

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #3 on: May 12, 2017, 11:12:08 AM »
I am so happy and relieved to hear from you both. I am so drained from this and you have brought some desire to get my energy back. I can see by coming on here that I am not alone and would welcome any advice or support. I hope to grow and learn how to make this a healthy situation for me. I love my son dearly, I worry about him constantly, but I know that I have to let go and work on me. Thank you so much for sharing your stories because it truly gives me hope that I wont feel so much pain as I grow. I also know your pain and struggles and my hopes are for you as well to have a happy and healthy life. If I could I would give you a hug, so know that is i my heart.
Thank you and I will be back

Offline Rockyboo

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2017, 06:03:09 PM »
I must say that I am findig myself particularily depressed today. I'm not sure why because my daughter, my mom and myself. spent the day together to celebrate  mother's day a little early. I enjoyed our time together, but my heart felt heavy. I guess it is obivous because of the estranged relationship with my son and letting myself get into these deep thoughts of what I did wrong. Maybe it's because I feel so much love from my daughter, yet so much hate from my son and that whirlwind cofusion over powers me. I am not sure what to do to not let these conflicting emotions overtake my thoughts, but I know that I need  to do something. I guess one step was to just  vent my feelings. Thanks for listening. Have a Great Mother's Day Ladies!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2017, 06:10:56 PM »
For most of us here, it had been a long, and often bumpy road to travel. We are here and we care! More hugs!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2017, 05:38:46 AM »
Welcome Rockyboo.  Glad you found this place.  I have the same situation.  I have one Son that I am Mother of the Year and the other, we haven't spoken in gosh.....five years now.  I did ultimately cut him off, after trying for a couple of years to get along and figure out the issues.  Mine was after he married a very controlling girl.  We had a great relationship until then, then it went downhill fast.  The problem I found, which sounds like yours too, is when the other party is not taking any responsibility for what they are doing or did.

It's all your fault and now he has a shrink that is agreeing with him.  Worse thing ever when they find people that will validate how right they are.  We all know we are human and as parents, mistakes get made and lessons learned on both ends.  But when one party believes in their head, they are right and you are not, you are fighting a losing battle.

I hated to ultimately say, "I can't do this any longer.  I can't sit around and stress daily on what's wrong, why are they mad, what did I do and how can I fix it."  It was consuming me and mine just finally came to a head when I found out, via someone in a grocery store, that they were expecting their first child.  That pretty much told me all I needed to know when they couldn't even bother to let me know themselves and everyone else knew.  So I let my Son know I loved him, but I couldn't do the game any longer and until he was willing to talk about it, I wasn't communicating any longer.  The ball was left in his court and I haven't heard from him since.

It is hard.  I spent several years wallowing in guilt, shame, pain and even figured I must have been a bad Mother for him to do this.  But once I got away from the situation, I was able to heal.  I had to grieve, I had to get mad, and finally...I came to a place this last year where I could let go.  I raised him.  He's alive and living his life.  I would have preferred to be in it, but it wasn't my choice any longer, it was his. 

Give yourself time.  There truly is light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems really far off at times.  I don't miss the drama.  I don't miss the stress and I dang sure don't miss dealing with DIL's attitude. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Justbreathe

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2017, 09:39:51 AM »
Thank you, Pooh. This is what I needed to read today. Many days I'll need to read this. Man...this is so hard. Hugs to all

Offline Rockyboo

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2017, 10:40:00 PM »
Thank you so much pooh for your insight. I feel so much better knowing that there are others out there getting what I am saying. Sometimes I feel complete shame for not having my son in my life, yet I also feel a lot of relief knowing that I don't have all the chaos, drama and bitterness to deal with. Sometimes I think that I don't know if I'll get through the day because i love him dearly, but I must say I do have less stress and turmoil. It is definitely the most difficult thing I've gone through and I don't know if the pain of such a loss will lessen. I try  everyday to be optimistic that whatever occurs with our relationship that I can feel whole and happy again.Sometimes I feel guilty that my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship and then I feel guilty that my guilt takes away from our relationship. As you can tell, I am a real mess and confused at times with all of this. It truly is a grieving process. To all of you I send big warm hugs.

Offline Marina

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2017, 01:05:03 PM »
I really connect emotionally with all the comments on this thread.  I have been through some very upsetting and confusing times with my DS/DIL, and it took a while after I stopped interacting with them for all those feelings to quiet down and for me to regain a sense of peace. 

Rockyboo, my advice is to step away from all the turmoil so you can regroup emotionally and consider where you want to put your energy and attention.  Joining your DS in his chaos will not help him or you.  When you are purposely directing your life in a healthy direction, you will feel stronger and have a clearer perspective.  Be grateful for all the good things and people in your life.  Hang in there.  It takes time, but it gets better.  Post when you need to, and get support from WWU. 

Offline Rockyboo

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Re: My Adult Son Blames Me
« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2017, 03:50:09 PM »
Thank you Marina. I agree, that it is very sound advise. A little easier said then done, but so correct. This has definitely been a great support system and I appreciate it all.