Author Topic: History Repeats  (Read 818 times)

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Offline not like the movies

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History Repeats
« on: April 17, 2017, 03:39:18 PM »
I've been here before. My daughter age 32, was married (great guy) and she had an online affair. The affair moved crossed country to be with her having never met her. She divorced her husband (one son now 10). New guy and her got married had a child, a girl now 5. I have discovered my daughter is having another affair. She does not know I know. I need to distance myself. I don't have it in me to do round 2 of this. It was a very painful time the first round. I really liked her first husband. I really like her 2nd husband. I can't make sense out of my daughters behavior even if I tried. I don't know what to say to her. I need to say something as I pull away. I got a text from her saying she feels a void between us. I have been silent with her lately. She has been so preoccupied with the affair it took her some time to notice. I am just trying to think about how to frame it. The first time this happened 6 years ago it was just horrible on the entire family. I can't imagine round 2 being any less painful in fact more painful. Two children now. The 10 yr old is very bonded to his step father. The truth is my daughter is very powerful, manipulative, selfish, and dishonest. It's hard for me to type those adjectives. I have been combing articles on line how to talk to your adult child that is having an affair. Thought I would turn here for added input.   
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Offline luise.volta

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2017, 04:11:41 PM »
I was thinking of the saying you have at the bottom of your posts.

I don't know what I would do. I would guess that your daughter needs to know why you are removing yourself from her drama and that you need to do that for yourself before you turn toward the things in your life that bring you joy. I would probably do it in a card because I wouldn't want to set off more drama. Just an 'I know what's going on and I'm simply not going there'...statement that ends with something about loving her but not loving the choices she makes and not being willing to go there yet again.

That's just my take, of course. I'm so sorry you are up against it again.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Marina

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2017, 04:22:26 PM »
Boy, I'm sorry you need to be witnessing this painful situation again.  I feel really badly for those kids.  Considering the children's ages, it kinda sounds like your daughter's shelf life for marriages so far is around 6 years. 

I'm wondering what your objective is in talking with your daughter at this time?  Are you actively in her life and the lives of your GC, and would pulling away or talking with her adversely impact your involvement with the GC?  I hope the fathers/stepfather are more stable in their relationships with the children.   

Offline not like the movies

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2017, 04:34:05 PM »
Thank you Luise. I like being part of a generation that still sends cards and letters! Great idea. I had been thinking of asking her to meet with me. But now I realize that would just end badly. She has a way of turning the tables on another person and I don't have the energy for it. My husband and I have both retired. We have no problem do things that bring us joy. We bought an RV and traveled for the year last year. Part of our joy has been spending time with the 2 grand kids. We love providing them with experiences. We have a lot of fun with them. Hopefully she will not pull them away but it did happen with the 10 year old during affair round 1. Since we have been through it once and survived we can survive again. It lost it's power over us. They are left confused. That is the part that stinks.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Offline not like the movies

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2017, 05:10:19 PM »
Thank you Marina. Yes it is a painful situation. We are worried about the kiddos a lot. That is the toughest part. They are always the innocent victims. We are very involved in their lives. Reflecting over the past 6 months it make sense now why they have spent a lot of time with us. When we were asked if the kids could come out it was always a variety of reasons. The main one being my daughters health problems. But now we know it was for her own freedom. Even though we have loved having them we feel used. Now that we know the truth we can't continue to enable the situation allowing her to lie to us. We live about 50 miles away so when the kids came out they spent the night. Mostly on a Saturday night. Her husband works Saturday nights. Both fathers are good guys and very involved with their children. Both have done the lion share of parenting while working full time jobs. It's rather amazing how similar the pattern has been.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Offline Pooh

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2017, 11:32:50 AM »
I always told my kiddos, when they did something bad, the first time was a mistake and you learn from it.  The second time is a choice and you live with it.  If you have concrete proof, then I would probably ask to talk to her and just simply tell her that you have found out and that you can not go through all of it again.  But because she's an adult, she gets to make her choices, not you, so you just want to distance yourself instead of getting involved again.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline not like the movies

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2017, 11:44:48 PM »
I like that Pooh! Yes we do know for certain. I am in a holding pattern. I am waiting for the right moment to send a card or have the chat if there ever is a right moment. It hasn't felt right just yet. I am pausing but at the same time have said no to having the grands over for the weekend now that we know the true motivation. In the meantime I am thinking and processing and just dealing with the feelings. We are taking off for a few weeks in the RV. Looking forward to the time away.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Offline kate123

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #7 on: May 30, 2017, 10:48:27 AM »
There has to be a reason for her behavior, but whatever it is, I would just be her mother. Tell her you know about her affair, then listen. She is an adult and if she wants your advice she will ask for it. Perhaps her choice in men are not good choices for her. Sometimes we are attracted to something initially, but when it comes to day in and day out- it is dead in the water. Seems to me her mistake is jumping into relationships too soon. I think she will be grateful in the future if you are just always there for her- mistakes and all.

Offline not like the movies

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #8 on: June 05, 2017, 10:32:02 AM »
Thank you for your response Kate. There is so much more going on behind the scenes that we have discovered. My daughter is once again not speaking with us and has terminated our contact with the grandchildren. I know I can weather this having been through it before. My heart aches for the two grandchildren. We are helpless and can only keep our lives in check. We have a plan with our ex son in law to send letters and such to the 10yr old to his home. That covers one, but the 5 yr old is out of bounds in all ways to us right now.
As far as my daughter, I really don't want to listen to her right now. I have done this before. It gets too crazy and dramatic. Things make less and less sense when we stay engaged and we wind up feeling like we just enable the situation by accepting it as normal behavior. We get pretty exhausted with the lies and the crazy whirlwind. I have a dear friend that deals with similar issues with her daughter that is a drug addict and it kind of feels like the same only it's with relationship addiction. It is crazy but very similar patterns and behaviors. The good difference for us this time with her pull away is that we are not as frantic. We have a better understanding of what is going on having been here before. What we are learning now is how to have better boundaries for when she surfaces once again. We thought we did but in hindsight we see there is remove for improvement. We ignored several red flags simply because things were going too smoothly.
When you pick up a stick you get both ends!

Offline Marina

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #9 on: June 05, 2017, 01:19:11 PM »
Ugh, so sorry this is happening again.  Thank you for the update.  All I can say is that it is good that you have learned to cope with the situation and your daughter.  It is painful to watch when loved ones keep repeating the same destructive pattern. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: History Repeats
« Reply #10 on: June 05, 2017, 01:28:52 PM »
Referring to M's comment regarding "loved ones keep repeating the same destructive pattern", it is so encouraging when we don't. Hugs!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher