Author Topic: visiting  (Read 571 times)

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Offline gettingoldandcranky

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visiting
« on: March 30, 2017, 07:58:44 AM »
went to visit the grandkids. we live fairly close, but don't often get to visit.  they are busy, parking is a problem.  we haven't had a really easy relationship.  had lots of fun at their home, then we went to the playground.  my dil spent the majority of her time visiting with other people.  she never introduced us, didn't excuse herself from conversations because she had "visitors". we spent over an hour just sitting alone and watching kids running around playing.    when we left and had dinner at a small restaurant, she excused herself to call a friend and proceeded to chat for 15 - 20 minutes.  i KNOW that we are not the people she likes to spend time with, but isn't this rude? when i was young and raising my kids, i felt obligated to put on my happy face and be pleasant and converse with my in laws or anyone that was a guest - even if i didn't particularly care for them.  they were important to my husband and we both wanted them to be an important part of our kids lives.
in a previous post, louise had mentioned not being of part of "no respect".  i find myself concerned that the kids notice this and it might impact them. 
at this point, we take whatever time we can get.  i can only hope that the kids enjoy being with us and that their mom ignoring us does not impact how they feel.
what do my wise women think?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: visiting
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2017, 08:19:47 AM »
I know it's hard to deal with this kind of thing, G. Some of it seems generational to me. The grandkids have different role models.

I find the cell phone thing, and yes, I have one, to be daunting. My clan, one biological son and seven 'heart-daughters' bring their cells into my home when they visit. Then it's "I'm sorry I need to check this" and "Sorry, I need  to respond to this, it'll just take a minute." I told the worst offender I wanted to put a sign on my door that says 'Please leave cell phones in car. This is my home, not your office' and she said she would never be able to do it. It seems to me like it's a kind of addiction.

If it's actually a cultural shift...then the term 'respect' will probably have to be redefined. At age 90, I'm afraid I don't adjust like I once did.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Marina

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Re: visiting
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2017, 09:59:52 AM »
G, I can relate to your situation more than I'd like.  It sounds like the visit was a mixed bag:  fun at their house, ignored at the park, and DIL away on the phone during dinner.  Was your DS present, and did he make an effort to visit with you?  In my situation, where DIL obviously resents my presence, I would have enjoyed the time at the restaurant while she was absent talking on the phone.  Perhaps your focus can be more on the grandchildren and their interests as they get older.  If they are old enough, can you schedule an activity with only them like going to a movie, the zoo, or even going out for ice cream?

Regarding the use of cell phones, it sometimes is a necessary evil.  They are useful, but also annoying.  A close friend of mine is visibly on edge when she doesn't answer her cell phone while she is spending time with me because she knows I think the constant interruptions are rude.  But she is the type of person who has never been able to not answer the phone, even before the use of cell phones. 

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: visiting
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2017, 06:13:30 AM »
thanks for the advice and replies.  no, ds was not there.  in re reading this post i realize that my negativity is pervasive.  dil allowed the visit and i got to see my grandkids.  i need to be grateful for this.  i AM grateful for this.  dil does not like me, as a friend.  but, at least, i am allowed to spend time with grandkids.       i am constantly working on improvements in my attitude....   how are you doing, marina?

Offline Marina

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Re: visiting
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2017, 11:59:19 PM »
gettingoldandcranky (I love your name), I'm doing better these days.  Thanks for asking.  :)

Although I'm finding my emotions are all over the place lately, I don't seem to stay stuck in a bad place.  For instance, one day last week, I woke up feeling really depressed "for no reason" and didn't know how I could bear the day.  Dreading doing anything, I decided to do laundry.  Then I started feeling better and I ended up having a very good day "for no reason!" It was just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other.  Being out in nature more has been a good tonic for me, too. 

Regarding your relationship with DIL, it may be that the best you can have is being civil with each other.  As long as there is no outright hostility, hopefully it will not impact your relationship with GC.  What will be meaningful for GC is the interest and love you show to them.  I've heard that GC develop fond feelings for their GP even when they don't visit often.