Author Topic: No change after 9 years  (Read 1288 times)

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Offline amflautist

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No change after 9 years
« on: January 08, 2017, 01:39:36 PM »
Hello all my dear and old friends at WWU.  Time for a brief update.  DIL has never welcomed us into her house.  DS used to be in tears every time we got together.  Naturally, the get-togethers got fewer and fewer, and I think I could count them using only 10 fingers, no toes, even after 9.5 years.  Change #1:  2 grandsons, identical twins, now approaching their 2nd birthday.  We are not invited to the birthday party this year, although as you can guess, the other grandparents are.  DS tried to set up a visit for us in late February, after the birthday, but DIL has just canceled that also.  Change #2: DS and DIL moved to the west coast last April. DS told us to come and visit them in the summer, and of course you all know that story too!  Summer came, we asked and asked - This week?  Next month?  - but eventually DS told us to quit asking because every time he brought up the subject, a fight ensued.

However, this is the happy happy news!  I have a new equilibrium about it most of the time.  I accept that my DIL is a pill, she doesn't want us anywhere near her or our grandchildren, it will always be that way, and guess what:  I don't have to cry about it any more!!  YOU, my dearest friends at WWU, YOU are the reason I can accept this life's little kick, and not be knocked over by it anymore.  Thank you everyone, especially thank you Luise, for the wise advice you gave while I was embroiled in the middle of the slaughter. 

This is the really, really happy news:  I told DS that he was #1 in my heart, not my grandchildren, and what I really wanted was to see him every now and then.  So now I have it set up that I can fly to the west coast at the end of February and go out to lunch with him.  He needn't tell DIL.  In fact, I am very sure he won't.

I sign on every now and then, most to read again all of Luise's wise and comforting words to everyone.  Today I filled up my buffer and my heart once again with all your help and love.

Best wishes to everyone,
amflautist


Offline amflautist

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2017, 01:44:22 PM »
P.S. I'm not really a newbie.  It's just that every now and then I find that my membership has elapsed and I have to start over.  You will find some of my old posts under the name Seasage.  I originally chose that name, because it was the name of the color I was using at the time to paint my office.  When I had to re-register, due to being absent for too long, I decided not to use that name anymore.  There was and is nothing sage about me.  Now I'm just old amflautist.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2017, 08:04:01 PM »
Hi Amflautist,
Congratulations on your acceptance of your situation.  What a hard-earned victory that must be.  It is stories like yours that keep me coming back to WWU when I need inspiration.  Thanks for updating all of us, and I hope you have a special visit with your son next month! 

p.s. You certainly seem very sage to me  ;)
p.p.s.  Like you, I find such sustenance from Luise's wise, comforting words.

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2017, 07:10:04 AM »
glad you are doing better with this sad situation.  glad your son is open to seeing you one on one.  too bad he doesn't have the courage to advocate for you with his wife. 

Offline amflautist

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 05:20:12 PM »
Ashamed to admit it, but I found myself stewing over the inequity of treatment between me and the other grandparents.  They get lots of visits; I get none.  It was starting to eat at me - just the thought of flying to the west coast where I would be so close to the grandkids, just after their birthday, just after 2 birthday parties, the ones DIL wouldn't let me attend.  After waking up in the middle of the night a couple of times, heart pounding, I realized I needed to give myself a break.  Limit the stress.  So I canceled the trip.  As soon as I canceled, I felt calm, relieved, and then knew this was right for me.

Maybe in the future I will be able to go visit my son without heart palpitations.  Clearly I'm not there yet.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #5 on: January 16, 2017, 05:36:35 PM »
Good for you for following your heart ~ literally!  The body sometimes can tell you what the brain can't.  I think you will know if/when the time is right to visit your son.  For now, enjoy the peace  :)

And I hope you don't feel bad about doing what is right for you.  That's all we can ever do.

Offline shiny

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2017, 11:49:42 AM »
Amflautist,
I'm sorry you're being mistreated and denied seeing your GC. It's so wrong.

I do see my little GC every few months, but do not know any details about their lives and growing up.
DIL only shares that with her DM. It breaks my heart, but since I can't do anything about it, have to let it go.
Please continue to take care of yourself and well-being. I've learned that added stress from relationship difficulty can take a toll on my health. At my age, I need to guard against that.
I'm at a point where some other wise women here have reached and said it's true: that there is a good life beyond parenting and grand parenting.
Actually, I have NO desire to parent anymore, but do miss the little ones.

Offline cathybeth

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2017, 11:17:09 AM »
I admire your strength.  I hope to get there someday!  Blessings to you!!
CathyBeth

Offline Marina

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Re: No change after 9 years
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2017, 01:31:57 PM »
Amflautist,
Thank you for sharing your experience.  It was validating to me as I faced another opportunity to re-connect with my estranged DS.  I also experienced a strong (bad) physical reaction as I started to make plans for contact with DS.  I was extremely conflicted, thinking I should take the opportunity, but at the same time dreading it.  It is obvious I'm not ready to do this either. 

A therapist opined that it's possible DS is being kept so busy with young GC (possibly more to come), a job and a difficult wife that he may not seriously examine his life until middle age during "midlife crisis."  Not a good thought for me, as I may not even be around anymore.   

I am going to trust that when the time is right, things will come together, even though I don't know what that means right now.