Author Topic: Playing second fiddle to the daughter's mother in law  (Read 544 times)

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Offline gortholland

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Playing second fiddle to the daughter's mother in law
« on: March 20, 2017, 09:19:34 AM »
My daughter got married in 2015.  Even during the engagement she was overtly favoring her future mother in law.  She included her in on ALL of the wedding planning ideas except that I paid for all of them and had to do all the leg work.  Things that should have been moments between my daughter and I were now between her mil, me and my daughter.  I never really had a close relationship with my kid as she's been sort of opinionated, self centered and snarky but I thought her wedding would draw us closer.  Not one bit.  I got ignored most of the time unless she wanted something paid for.  Then of course after the marriage, they spend all of the free time on weekends with his family.  They get invited to their house time and time again for holiday weekends and my husband and I are afterthoughts.  She only calls me when she wants something and only stops at our house as a convenience when they are on the way to her mil's house.
Now of course there's a baby coming in 4 months and again, i get notified when she wants something.  Recently her MIL hosted a baby shower that she didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to be included.  I was a guest, nothing more.  Pictures were taken of her and her mil and sister in law and the ladies from his family and put on facebook etc.  Did she include me? No...
I know I sound like I am whining...but I am more hurt than anything.  When people are rude to me, I separate myself from the situation and mind my own business.  My daughter is clueless as to how i feel.   I know her well enough to know that saying something would not do any good. 
I just wonder if anyone else here has been through this.
Thanks
Gortholland

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Playing second fiddle to the daughter's mother in law
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 09:12:44 PM »
Welcome, G. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I totally agree with what TG just wrote to you. What is being dished out with the MIL's compliance is abuse. You deserve better and self respect is the antidote. Focus on what brings you joy...that's the road to healing.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline gortholland

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Re: Playing second fiddle to the daughter's mother in law
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 06:55:49 AM »
Thank you both for your sage words.  I agree with both visions.  I realize the situation and of course will just plod on! I have other things to do and I do have another child and I love his girlfriend, so maybe there is a happier day ahead.

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: Playing second fiddle to the daughter's mother in law
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 07:26:56 AM »
trailblazing girl gave great advice.  it certainly hurts to have a mom/child relationship change when the good things happen and you feel not wanted.  i live this with my son/dil.  i am finding that the less i push the better it is for me and i am surprised sometimes to be included in the fun stuff.  i also find my disappointment in my dil's mom.  i would not allow her to be treated like we are left out.  so our interactions with her are scarce and not so warm and fuzzy.   stop with the money.  that was my first step.  they never commented and i guess they didn't miss it - i had been sending an amount each month to help out.  stay strong and put yourself first.  the new baby will be hard.  keep coming here.  lots of good advice to be found

Offline Pen

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Re: Playing second fiddle to the daughter's mother in law
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2017, 10:15:35 PM »
Welcome, G. You most definitely are not alone! You've probably read some of the previous posts by many moms & grandmothers who have experienced similar rejections. I know you want to keep a path open to your DD, but being her personal ATM doesn't seem to give you much fulfillment.

Many of us have found that when we are not constantly and eagerly available whenever our AC need something, they start respecting us more. It's hard to make that choice, and only you know if you can accept the consequences, good or bad.

(((hugs))) I know how it feels when the "other family" takes over :-( Take care of yourself, cherish yourself, live a good life.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb