Author Topic: What To Do?  (Read 915 times)

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Offline Lupita

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What To Do?
« on: February 17, 2017, 05:04:16 PM »
    Our DD is 21.  We adopted her from a Russian orphanage when she was five.  She walked out of our house on Easter Sunday nearly two years ago and that is the last time we have seen her.  Contact has been via phone and text, IF she chooses to answer or return a message.  We recently found out that she has disconnected her phone.  We've not received a forwarding or new number. We have been blocked from all of her social media accounts.  Frustrating. What we have received, however, is an invitation to her wedding.
     To list everything we have gone through with her in the past few years would make this post too lengthy.  In a nut shell, she left our home the week before she was supposed to start conditioning for her scholarship sport and disappeared.  Two days later she contacted us through an older half sister and said she didn't want to play the sport any more and didn't want to attend college after all.  She didn't have an alternative plan and just wanted to 'live in the moment.'  We thought she was nervous and told her she should attend for the first year because the financial aid, class schedules and housing were all in place.  She agreed and we moved her things to the shared school apartment.  After three quarters of horrendous behavior and activity - during which we resorted to a tough love stance - she quit and moved out of state with a distant friend.  She met her partner and is now working and living in a rented home.   About a year ago she sent a message saying that the partner wanted to meet us and we told her that before she brings anyone else into the mix, we felt there needed to be a conversation between her dad and I and her...just three adults at the table.
    DD would like people to think that the reason we are not in her life is because of her sexual orientation.  She tells people that she has no memories of growing up in our home.  he and the GF live three hours away but have been in the area at least once that we know of and she never stopped in to see us.  She has never acknowledged family holidays or celebratory events. Never acknowledged gifts or monies sent to her by family members. Never acknowledged stealing from us.  She has never acknowledged bringing alcohol or drugs into our home.(We found empty bottles, syringes and pot when we were packing her stuff for college.) Never acknowledged lying about having a job and selling her Adderall to fellow students. I just feel like this conversation needs to take place before we can move on.  I just want to know that she knows we love her - and we certainly DO - and is ready to change that.  Is this inappropriate or out of line for us??  Any thoughts?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2017, 05:33:16 PM »
Welcome, L. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. Also, if you have used your given name as your User Name here, please pick something else to maintain your anonymity.

Many years ago, I had some really tough times with my eldest son but they were not similar to what you are up against...so most of the help you will find here will be from others.

My take would be that you have done your best. She's a young adult and is in the pattern of 'learn as you go'. When we are young, decisions are made and we learn from the consequences or we don't. Off the top of my head, I don't think a discussion has much chance of clearing the air or changing anything. I think I would wish her well and pass on the wedding and whatever financial expectations it might include. You have the rest of your life ahead of you and it seems to me it is time for you to focus on moving beyond being abused. I am going to be 90 in three weeks so I can attest to the fact that parenthood is only a small part of life. You have your own hopes and dreams, talents and issues. And you deserve a shot at them. You matter! Hugs...
« Last Edit: February 17, 2017, 05:37:19 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Lupita

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2017, 05:43:56 PM »
Thank you, Luise.  I appreciate your experience and your words.  I DID read the Home Page as advised and searched postings to find a situation similar to mine first. Its a doozy. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2017, 05:48:42 PM »
L., I modified my post adding some information about your name in case you used your own.
My heart goes out to you...and I hope WWU helps.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2017, 08:24:10 PM »
Hi Lupita,
Welcome to WWU.  I have two older internationally adopted AC and I have posted about my DD.  I believe they have challenges that they have to overcome in their own time and manner (or not).  I have offered to pay for counseling for my DD but she has not taken me up on it, and I figure she will if/when she is ready.  Mine was also on the fence about college and only finished one year. It was hard for her, but I'm not sure she had her head totally in the game. She is on her own now at 21 with adult bills and two jobs.  It has taken three years to get to a good point after a lot of tumult.  We had to let go of a lot of things (not easy), but she has come around. 

Your DD sounds like she is struggling to find her way (and maybe her identity)  and may be trying to blame you for her struggles.  There are (and will be) things she does that you will not be happy about.  She may come to your city and not visit.  She may not choose to see the family on holidays or other gathering times.  She will miss out on those family times and connections, but that is her choice as an adult.  I'm sure it hurts.   It has for me.  But I intentionally try to have fun anyway. Concentrate on the people I'm with and focus my attention there. It does get easier. 

As for the other issues, she is not in your house anymore and I'm sure she knows what you think about drugs, alcohol, stealing, etc.  Will bringing up these issues provide closure for you?  I have a hard time imagining that a conversation about all the issues you listed could have a positive outcome.  I think Luise was right in that you have done your best to raise her, and your main job is done here.  You cannot control what she chooses to remember about her family life with you.  Some of these issues, again, may have everything to do with HER and nothing to do with YOU, but she is trying to pass the blame on to you - how convenient.  Don't fall for that.  The more you talk about the things she has done wrong, the more defensive she will get, and the more she will have a place to put blame so that she doesn't have to understand that SHE made those life choices that have gotten her where she is now. 

I don't know what to say about meeting the GF - only you can decide that.  If you don't feel that would go well, then I would take a pass on it.  But I'm open to hearing what any other posters might suggest.

I wish you well! 

Offline Lupita

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2017, 07:47:24 AM »
     Thank you, Bamboo2. True to what I have read about adopting older orphanage children, my DD has always struggled with ownership, decision making and consequences.  I think what we would like to convey in that conversation is that she take ownership for her behavior - and how she hurt us - but also to let her know that we can all move past it and have a decent, adult relationship going forward.  Unfortunately - but again attributed to that orphanage mentality - she is happiest to relinquish control and decision making to other people.  We forced her to think for herself over and over and over as she was growing up.  Sometimes having to choosing a flavor of ice cream would draw tears.  What little contact we have had with the GF conveys that she is in control of their relationship, what they do and where they go.  We feel SHE is the one who would bring animosity to the table in an attempt to sever our relationship with DD.  This is why we insisted on the meeting with her alone first. But she fears us.  Not sure why...unless she really feels the gravity of what she has done.  She left us with quite a few financial obligations when she walked away from school.  We are not paying off her share of her school loan but then neither is she.  We figure she will lose any tax refunds at one point or another.
       

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2017, 12:16:01 PM »
What you are thinking about doing and saying sounds reasonable to me.  It is good to extend the invitation to talk but the ball will be in her court about whether to accept or not.  If she does not, for whatever reason, it doesn't mean that is the last word on it.  It might take a while and an event or two for her to reach out.  It sure did for our daughter.  My advice would be to be patient and carry on with finding joy in your own life no matter what happens with your daughter.   :)

Offline Pen

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2017, 08:19:44 PM »
Welcome, L. My heart goes out to you and your family. I hope your daughter finds her way and you can reconnect.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Lupita

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2017, 03:03:34 PM »
Actually we recieved a formal invitation to their wedding about five weeks ago.  We had till the end of March to send the RSVP.  Hubby and I were struggling with several issues - not the least of which was confusion as to why we were being invited since she has not maintained contact at all.  No one on my husband side or mine received invitations.  As much as we wanted to be a part of her day, we decided not to attend because we don't know any of her friends or 'family' that will be there....we don't know what she has been saying to them about us....and we were given an ultimatum about letting them know whether  we were coming via text message.  The same text exchange said she 'did not have time' to meet with us.  We offered to drive the three hours to her location but still...'no time.'  Some days I feel as if we are being unreasonable and other days like they are.  We did send a gift - the pots and pans set on their registry and I sent a Russian doll measuring up set that I bought when she was nine.  Its been sitting on a shelf in our kitchen all these years. I told her then it was her wedding present.  Given that she 'has no memories of growing up' in our house, I am wondering if she will remember that.

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: What To Do?
« Reply #9 on: April 04, 2017, 06:14:21 PM »
I think you have made the best decision for you and your husband.  You sent a gift and so you have followed through.  I wouldn't waste any more time rethinking it.   I wouldn't have put myself through that potential minefield either.