Author Topic: Estrangements are awful  (Read 1620 times)

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Offline Marina

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Estrangements are awful
« on: February 11, 2017, 01:25:25 PM »
Estrangements are awful from people you love.  I just got news that a relative had a stroke and is not expected to survive.  She is older, but has been vital over the last few years.  She is my last close tie to my FOO.  I wish we had had a chance to talk more, but I know we both had hurts and trust issues that resulted in an estrangement between us some years ago.  We had moved past it but were keeping a certain emotional distance--although there was no doubt we loved and cared for each other.

I'm realizing I won't be able to ask her the remaining questions I've had about her life and our shared life with FOO.  I've emotionally processed a lot over the last few years, and growth came through painful times.  The reality is I may not have gotten the answers I wanted/needed from her. 

At this painful time, I wish I had a time out from my estrangement from DS so I could share my grief and talk.  I know it would likely bring me more pain than comfort if I reached out to DS at this time, so I won't.  Actually, I would so much want to talk with him if I weren't facing my relative's death.  It's just a reminder that I can't.  We love each other, but it's not enough to bridge the gap between us.  I feel raw.       


Offline luise.volta

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2017, 08:01:31 PM »
Oh, M., I sure know how 'raw' feels! Please know that we are here for you.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Marina

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2017, 10:32:40 AM »
Thank you for your support.  There is a lot to sort out emotionally regarding someone's death.  I know from experience there is no point in focusing on the what if's; it's better to remember the good stuff in order to go on.  Thank you for the reminder, TG.   

My relative was like a big sister who was always in my life.  I never had the close relationship I wanted with her, but she had her own burdens to deal with.  She knew of my estrangement from DS/DIL/GC and I would have appreciated her support, but she asked no questions so I left it alone.  How would I have explained it anyway, and how could she truly understand?  (She had a wonderful relationship with her GC.)  Who ever expects to be estranged from your AC and GC whom you dearly love?  The WW here understand because they have gone through it. 

The loss of my "big sis" relative is reminding me of my other losses.  I'm glad she was in my life and I will miss her. 

Offline Lupita

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2017, 07:56:34 AM »
I LOVE the reference of the message in the card.  So much truth in that.  We tend to look at things happening around us rather than things we have had and hold in our memories.  I miss my estranged daughter terribly but rejoice in the delight and enjoyment that we had with her when we had her in our lives.  She was/is a character.  Hugs, my friend.

Offline Marina

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2017, 10:08:14 AM »
While mourning the recent death of my dear relative, I have been fighting a persistent urge to contact my DS.  I even got to the point of looking at my last communication to DS (over a month ago) and considered re-sending it to him since I never received a response. 

I'm writing here to anchor this thought:  I am too vulnerable at this time to deal with the emotionally loaded issues I have with DS, so I will leave it be for the time being.  I hate the reality of the situation. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2017, 10:20:55 AM »
We are with you, M. Hang in there. What you are doing is not making things worse. Good for you.

I am currently facing the loss a my long-term relationship with someone very dear who is half my age. She shared what was going on with her and I foolishly thought she wanted my input. Now, four emails later...I get that she received the first email and her silence is her answer. At age 90. i still make mistakes...misread someone...stumble over assumptions and then wonder why my expectations weren't met. It's called being human. Together...lets be as kind to ourselves as we can. Hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Marina

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2017, 01:09:56 PM »
Thank you, Luise.  Hugs to you, too.  It sounds like a serious break in your relationship.  Wish we could have a sit down and chat. 

My DS is living with a toxic person (his wife), and it has affected him and his reactions to me.  No amount of analyzing, education or effort on my part has changed the situation.  I have to get a grip on that.  I need to look at actions, not words.   

I remember I went through the same thing at the end of my bad marriage years ago:  I kept thinking there was "one more thing" I could do to make a difference but I just didn't know what that was.  It takes two people to work on a relationship, and I was trying to do both parts.  It wasn't until I disengaged that the brain fog lifted and I could see things more clearly. 

It was hard letting go of the marriage because it was scary facing life as a single parent; likewise, it is scary for me now to face growing older without the support of DS.  Life was hard in many ways after I divorced, but I have no regrets for leaving.   

When I get the urge to reconnect with DS, I need to remember that the turmoil from the relationship was affecting my physical health.  It is important that I continue to take better care of my health, both emotional and physical.  After sharing all this, I feel more courage in going on.   :-\ Thank you again. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2017, 02:04:31 PM »
And I felt strong reinforcement form you. Thank!  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Marina

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2017, 04:28:47 PM »
Luise, you are modeling to me kindness and support.  I find this medium a little tricky, wondering how the tone of my posts sounds.  (I felt like a bull in a china shop when I first started posting on this forum; I was extremely agitated about my situation.)  I guess you can't go wrong if you err on the side of kindness!  :D

I find silences like you are experiencing to be befuddling.  You know the details, so I trust you are interpreting it correctly.  I hope you are wrong that it means the end of your dear relationship. 

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2017, 05:29:48 PM »
My hope, here on WWU, is for each of us to have the space to be ourselves. Beyond that, for many, lies the opportunity to learn to be ourselves when we're not in a safe space. Other members interpret us through their own filters, of course, and we pass on what doesn't seem to fit. I continue to learn and grow and that's the opportunity we all have. To not get stopped and at the same time to respect the choices of others. At times my best is to know I will try to do better tomorrow. More hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2017, 08:02:50 PM »
Marina, I'm thinking of you during this sad time. May I recommend a website and book that might help? Tom Zuba has had, sadly, much experience dealing with loss. His thoughts have helped many people I know whose family members have passed away or are estranged. www.tomzuba.com The book is Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief and is also available at Amazon. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Bamboo2

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2017, 09:16:59 AM »
Hi Pen, how are you?
Thanks for sharing this resource.  I watched a couple of the videos on his website and they were fascinating.  I also shared the link with a family member already.  Take care!


Offline Pen

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #12 on: February 27, 2017, 07:39:30 AM »
M, I'm so glad!

I became aware of Tom's work through a friend who had lost her daughter. I wanted to be a better support person for her, but I found that Tom Zuba helped me come to an awareness about other losses, too....things I'd swept under the proverbial rug such as DDD's disability, my mom's passing almost 40 years ago, my dad choosing another family over us, the lack of family ties due to death and distance, and DS/DIL issues that all contribute to my sorrow and grief. He's a pretty amazing guy, I think.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Marina

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #13 on: March 04, 2017, 11:27:33 AM »
I've been riding a wave of emotion.  My grief peaked last week and I was beside myself, feeling crazed, foggy in thinking.  Surprisingly, a talk with a close friend and a hug helped.  I continue to read old posts here to make sure I stay reality based concerning my estrangement from DS/DIL/GC.   

Offline Pen

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Re: Estrangements are awful
« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2017, 07:00:11 AM »
(((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb