Author Topic: Hello lovely ladies  (Read 1608 times)

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Offline Justbreathe

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Hello lovely ladies
« on: December 01, 2016, 10:15:50 AM »
Read all the first read this. I want to say thank you for this site. It is the only one I have found that is loving and not blaming the moms for Everything.

I'm on my phone so don't want to try and explain everything going on. Its hard to put to words.

I am looking for healing for myself. My AC and what is left of my sad small family.

My husband died of cancer about a year after our son was married. She was pregnant with our first GS at his death.

My grief was overwhelming and I did not do much right.

It's been 6 long years since he died. He had just turned 50. I have been trying to navigate my life ever since.

We have a DD who left when he was sick. She hasn't moved back to our state since. It was hard on us both buy I just want my kids to be happy.

DD hasn't treated me with respect for a while now.

My son doesn't want to deal with any of it. He just wants to play video games and keep the peace with his wife. Who can blame him.

It feels like I lost them all and it hurts. Most days I feel as though I deserve it.

DIL is nice but controlling. Told my husband and I not long after the wedding that our son is now hers. She actually announced this when entering our home for a visit. A son is a don until he takes a wife, he is mine now.

I felt assaulted. I didn't say anything in reply. I was astounded she said it.

I also knew in my heart she was right. But it was a cruel thing to say to us.

She took the reins and facilitated many visits. That was nice of her, but at the same time she would always announce how we would never see our son if it wasn't for her.

After husband died I was a mess. A huge blubbery mess. I just wanted to die. I even had a hard time being excited about new baby. Grief is brutal.

GS was born about 6 months after he died. By then I was so excited for him to arrive.

I was being my mom self...DIL announced she would have him in a birth center. Scared me to death. I tried to be quiet buy I failed. I expressed my concerns and fears.

My son called to tell me they were at the center and baby is on his way. He said if I wanted to come that would be amazing.

I waited a bit and drove down to the center. A 45 minute drive. When I arrived I was informed by the midwives I was not supposed to be there. I explained I was Mikes mom. That he called and told me to come.

They blocked the door and wouldn't let me in. All I wanted was to wait in the waiting room. I was never going to barge in while she labored. That was not my place and I knew it.

I left and cried the whole way home

Son called when he was born and asked where I was and if I was coming. I told him I would be there.

When I arrived her parents were driving out of the parking lot.

They had me hold new baby while they stiched her up. I was in the waiting room, crying and loving this new baby when one of midwives showed up and asked me about my son's birth. I mentioned I had to have a c-section.

She looked at me with such disgust is surprised me, she huffed, threw her head back and rolled her eyes. I just looked at her. Speechless.

These women were telling  the kids how horrible hospitals are the whole time they cared for them. It was cult like. So weird.

I said nothing. Son was so happy I wasn't going to stir the pot.

Fast forward...I was asked and took baby for weekends once he was 4-5 months old. As first time mom's are scared sometimes to let anyone else have them. Understood. We all go through that.

At any rate. I had that little man a lot. Almost every weekend. I loved it.

Then it stopped last year.

Holidays have always been hard for me. I get the crumbs. Often times not much. A few hours xmas morning at their place. Which I go, happily as it's the only time I get.

Anyway. It's bad.

They just had another son.

When they told me they were pregnant I was so happy for them. They had so much trouble getting pregnant again. I cried...and was jumping up and down celebrating with the grandson and said to him. We're gonna have another baby! Yay

Wrong thing to say.

She said to me, No, We're not having a baby. Son and I are.

That was the end of me thinking we were family.

I left soon after. I don't even remember if I replied. I was so shocked she said it.

I did say awhile later that I was sorry she felt the need to say that. That when I said it I meant the family is having another baby.

Why do young women feel the need to say these things?

There is much more...like when I got to do an easter basket hunt with GD once. I was told that I should of bought this and not THAT. Her family doesn't do it that way.

I was told he would not be allowed to believe in Santa or any of that nonsense since that was how she was raised.

So...no fun Santa stuff either.

Ok
.I must get to work thanks for letting me vent.




Offline Marina

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2016, 12:02:44 PM »
Justbreathe, I hope there is something you can relate to in my story. 

After a relatively short courtship, it seemed my DS married a smart, self-confident, friendly, nice woman.  The irony in that perception is that DIL turned out to be an insecure, jealous, manipulative, controlling wife and mother.  I don't fit into her picture because DS and I had a close and loving relationship--too much influence threatening her control, so she has driven a hard wedge between us, making DS choose between me and DIL (no contest there).

With that reality of the situation, my DS seems to have adjusted.  My DS does well in a structured environment, and I know DIL has provided such a structured life for them according to her desires.  Her ways are his ways, her FOO is his family, etc.  I'm sure DS is paying in other ways to make this work, but it is his choice.  (Sometimes it seems DS has sold his soul.)  With no communication or effort to consider my feelings and needs, it was a no-win situation for me.  But this realization came after YEARS of effort on my part.  Having cut contact, I am more peaceful now but still coping with a great loss.   

This went on so long because I was sorta satisfied with crumbs, always hoping the relationship would improve. My healing didn't start until I came out of denial regarding my son's role in all this.  A lot of grief followed, but it was a healthier place to be in facing reality. 

Please take good care of yourself, Justbreathe, and be sure to come up with some positive strategy to face the holidays.  I wish you peace.   

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2016, 12:25:32 PM »
Welcome, J. Venting is part of healing for most of us and my heart goes out to you. This is a loving Website because we don't allow anything else. It's takes three Moderators to make sure we keep it that way but most of us have had way too much negativity before we come here and don't need any more. Hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #3 on: December 01, 2016, 12:33:20 PM »
Thanks Marina. You're story feels a lot like mine. I did come to realize it is in fact my son allowing all of this. And I was very angry with him for awhile. Now..I'm just sad.

DIL has been spinning her talk at my DD now. She seems delighted about that and has been wanting a close relationship with DD front the start.

Because DD has shown much disrespect towards me in the past few years I'm not feeling the sting so much right now.

I'm not sure if that's a defense mode of, Fine..be that way then. You can have each other, I'm out of here, or what. When I feel/think that way it feels so childish. So I stop. But man...this is so hard.

 I'm just at the end of my rope. A person can only take so many head games before she walks away.

I'm trying to walk away.

Please take my phone away so I stop texting.

They just had baby #2 . I was given one picture. She blocked me from FB so I can't see any she posts. I asked my son to send me some pics...silence. That always means no.

I unfreinded them both a few weeks ago, before the baby came, and all of her family. It hurts too much to see how left out I am.

My sister sent me pics she posted. That was nice of her.


Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2016, 12:43:10 PM »
Welcome, J. Venting is part of healing for most of us and my heart goes out to you. This is a loving Website because we don't allow anything else. It's takes three Moderators to make sure we keep it that way but most of us have had way too much negativity before we come here and don't need any more. Hugs...

Louse, thank you so much. I've been reading the site for a week or so since I found it and I have to tell you that I Love You. Thank you sweet lady. I am so sorry for your losses. You have given so much love.

I only wish I had found you in 09. I know I would of handled this all differently.

I see so much good in DIL. It breaks my heart things are going this way.

Thank you for all you do. Hugs and love.

Offline Marina

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2016, 01:09:48 PM »
Instead of appreciating us (MILs) as a support system for them (DILs), we have become the competition or the enemy--as if the love and happiness is a finite quantity that must not be shared.  Our DILs feel bold to say what is on their minds, no matter how hurtful (or because it is hurtful?), because they CAN.  It is childish and cruel.  For me, it has been like death by a thousand paper cuts.

Don't feel pressured to do anything.  The holidays are a tough time so be kind to yourself. 

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2016, 02:25:02 PM »
I would recommend that you figure out how to make yourself happy this Christmas and do it!  Take the money you would have spent on your DS/DIL and GC and spend it on yourself!  Tell everyone that you are taking a trip or visiting your best friend or whatever, but let them know that you are busy on Christmas Day.  You deserve to be happy.  Put yourself first, no one else will.  Play your favorite music, watch your favorite movies, be with your favorite people, think your happiest thoughts and every time your mind takes the detour into the abyss visit but do not stay!  Pull your thoughts back to the things that make you happy.  It takes practice but the more you learn to train your brain to focus on other things the easier it gets.  Remember that what you focus on expands, and you want to expand happy thoughts!!

Good luck!  Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Marina

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2016, 02:33:35 PM »
Additional thought:  My DIL ENJOYS conflict so I have learned to be nonreactive (loving detachment/gray rock).  Unfortunately, this is familiar to me because I have had close family that thrives on conflict.  They feel empowered by means of conflict to manipulate the emotions of other people and hurt them.  Very dysfunctional.

Justbreathe, I am mentioning this in case this type of dynamic is in your situation.  It may give you a head's up in case an alliance is being built between DIL and DD against you.  I hope I'm wrong. 

I agree with StillLearning--what she suggests is a much happier way to live than depending on what others may or may not do.  It brings back control over your own life. 

Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2016, 08:08:58 AM »
Thanks everyone.  Still learning, I can't do that, I will buy presents for the GC and the kids. I haven't done much shopping since my husband died. Christmas just isn't for me anymore, everyone already has enough stuff, so I make it either money for the kids or small presents I know will be used. I don't go overboard with presents for the GC either.

This year however, I will be cutting way back. No more checks, just small tokens.

Marina, I'm afraid it has already happened with DD and DIL. I'm not sure what to do about that. Knowing there isn't anything TO do about it, so I will try to keep my head low and stay out of it all. My DD is flying in for a visit in a week or so, first visit from her in a few years. DIL was very happy to tell me she 'talked' DD into a visit. What she doesn't know is I had discouraged a visit from DD for the holidays as there isn't anything going on anyway and that she would have more fun with her friends and BF where she is. (She hasn't been home for a holiday for 5 years)

I dont' want my DD to stay with me but I can't do that to her. Last time she visited I found out she took a picture of my medicine cabinet, my husbands side of it and sent it to someone (Who, I don't know) Making fun that I haven't cleaned out my husbands cologne and a few other things in that side of the cabinet. No, I don't have his toothbrush or shaving things anymore.. just a few scents I didnt' want to throw away yet. I don't use that side anyway and had forgotten it was there. I found her actions very disrespectful and really don't want her in my house again. That is just one instance of the disrespect.

DIL has gotten to DD.. I encouraged my DD to form more of a relationship with DIL because her brother doesn't seem to care about keeping his family in his life and she was hurt. I know I won't be here forever and wanted DD to have some sort of relationship with them and her nephews. It's backfiring, making me believe I deserve all of this. Again, maybe I do.

My parents both died the same her my husband did. Mom in march, dad in october (his funeral was on my husbands last birthday) Then a month after my dad died, my husband died. Needless to say, I hit rock bottom. I didn't find any support until 7 months out. I unfortunately cried to my children for those 7 months. It was not the right thing to do.

The worse thing in america is how grief is not allowed. You are expected to pick yourself up alone and carry on as if nothing every happened. I couldn't do it. just.could.not. I wasn't strong enough.

I won't be texting or calling any of them anymore. If they want a relationship with me, they know where I am.

Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #9 on: December 02, 2016, 08:56:49 AM »
We stay our of politics, here, B. We have a wide, eclectic readership. Hugs...

« Last Edit: December 02, 2016, 09:00:39 AM by luise.volta »

Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2016, 07:07:52 AM »
Wish there was a way to private chat. Thank you, Luise, I can't remember what I posted, so thanks for correcting it. Sorry about that.

Could you also delete or change my other posts too? They are too descriptive.

You rock, thanks so much.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2016, 08:02:47 AM »
You're fine, B. All is well. More hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2016, 05:36:07 PM »
JB, when you're ready you might want to check out Tom Zuba's website www.TomZuba.com and his FB page. He also has a book you can get through his site or on Amazon called Permission to Mourn: A New Way to do Grief. (((hugs)))
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2017, 02:05:04 PM »
Not sure I responded to each of you, but thank you all.

I know Tom Zuba,  thanks. He joined my support group on FB to sell more books.

I did the loving detachment when DD came for a short visit in December and then let my emotions get the best of me again

But I went right back to it again and disengaged. DD called a few weeks ago and apologized. She wants our relationship to go back to what it used to be. Not gonna happen but I didn't tell her that. She will figure it out when she tries to manipulate me again and I don't budge.

DIL is still nuts as all get out..Control freak to the enth degree.

DD did tell me that son wanted a divorce..Before she was pregnant with baby #2. I had no idea. With new baby he is trying  to make it work. I pray for him and the GCs.

He knows I love him and am here for him. Other than that I'm going no contact unless/until he contacts me. Same with DD.

It's hard but I must. You all are showing me the way and the light. Thank you. :)

No expectations...No disappointment.




Offline Justbreathe

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Re: Hello lovely ladies
« Reply #14 on: April 12, 2017, 02:07:10 PM »
Well shucks...Tried to edit my typos...Can't do it. Hope you can figure it out. :)