Author Topic: request for your calming tips  (Read 1452 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 415
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
request for your calming tips
« on: June 13, 2016, 05:55:53 AM »
Things have definitely improved as far as my relationship with my DIL.  I am not sure where to lay the credit for the improvement since I quit trying and she got counseling at around the same time.  She currently has a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and she is on meds for that.  Her insurance company will not pay for ADHD meds for adults so she is no longer on those.  The ADHD meds helped her to talk at a normal pace instead of having her over stimulated voice outpace her racing mind.  I have not seen her in a while so yesterday was my first exposure to her sans those meds and it was an eye opener.  For the most part I enjoyed seeing her and the kids but after a 5 hour visit I found myself exhausted.  Just trying to keep up with what she was talking about was difficult but from time to time she would say uncomplimentary things about my DS.  It is all I can do to not defend him and honestly it makes me hurt for him.  I know that this is his battle and he needs to fight it himself (or not) but it is so difficult to listen to her disrespect him.  Do any of you have any ways of hinting to her that I do not like hearing such things?  I tried telling her I could not help her but she evidently took that as an affirmation of her negative opinion.  She always follows these cutting remarks with "I love him to death but..." kind of like southern ladies say "well bless her heart".  You know ......"well bless her heart, she is as ugly as a possum but I just love her to death".  Yeah, like that.   

Last week I obligated myself to a five hour trip with her to visit my siblings who are all going to be together tomorrow night in Atlanta.   Then yesterday I found out just how trying this trip is going to be.  I made the same trip with her last year and it worked out fine but this time, without the ADHD meds and with her driving and she is afraid of driving, especially in Atlanta........ oh boy did I bite off more than I can chew!!!!  So I need your mantras for staying calm or your tips for handling my own inner strife without letting it flow out into the situation and make things worse.  I cannot really decide not to go without a good reason but right now I wish I had never said I would!  Anyone know where I can go to get a quick case of food poisoning?? 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2016, 07:45:23 AM »
Oh, honey...what a learning curve! You sure live up to your name! You know we cant hint. Others learn as they do, as well. Someone in the retirement center where I live once said...'Volunteering starts at the mouth, close it.' You may not be able to let yourself off the hook for this trip...but it could be the last one like it. Sending hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Green Thumb

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 169
    • View Profile
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2016, 01:02:03 PM »
SL, I would argue that you are wrong, you can cancel this trip. Just do it. Figure out a good excuse and don't go. Put yourself first in this one case. It is okay to be flaky for one time. I think you will end up in an argument with this poor DIL. She sounds very manic to me from your description. I have two children who are Bipolar and the unmedicated one will get to be talking a mile a minute and not even caring that no one else is talking or even listening! Five hours is too long a time to spend with her so next time keep it down to about 2-3 hours and be able to leave when you are ready. Come late and leave early. As far as when she is talking about your son, this is very difficult. You can't change her. So the only cure is probably to limit your time with her. My one medicated bipolar child is very mean. She talks hateful all the time. Right now she is not mad at me, but she will be mad at me again, and then we will be estranged again. I have had to come to terms with this is how it is. Let it go and don't try to appease her to keep her nice, it ain't never gonna happen! Let it roll off your back and do not criticize her. She is unable to process criticism with maturity and grace. What I do is protect myself and keep contact to the minimum. I will stand up to either of these AC when they are being ugly or mean. They respect me more when I say no to them. It doesn't change them, just tamps them down a bit for a while anyway.  ???

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4399
    • View Profile
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2016, 01:28:22 PM »
I agree, SL. Take care of yourself in this instance.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Things happens

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 20
    • View Profile
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2016, 10:32:31 PM »
Had to chuckle about the part of her complaining about DS, and I do not recommend you do the same thing, but for me it was Epic, and she did quit whining to me about DS.

 A group of us (including DIL) use to get together and Scrapbook and just talk and have fun. Finally one day I guess I have had enough BS about my son, who really didn't deserve half the complaining she did. My GF knew something was brewing in my mind as she said. After DIL finally quit whining, I turned and looked at her and said "All I can say is when I gave him to you he was perfectly fine, you broke him, so now you fix him" and went back to what I was doing. It shut DIL and the rest of the group was holding in their shocked look. After that day, she never whined about him again.

On another note, when I go home, DS was with Hubby. I looked at him and said I apologized for any wrath you might endure do to my actions. I told him what happened, and he laughed. Funny part was she never said a word to him about it. Plenty of other things, but not that (LOL)
« Last Edit: June 16, 2016, 05:38:59 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2016, 05:41:54 AM »
S., I wonder why whining and complaining seem so appealing? Do you suppose we learn it at birth when it's our only means of communication? It was an attention getter back then and we got results...in our cribs! Hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 415
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2016, 11:30:15 AM »
Well the trip is over and I honestly think I should have stayed home, not because of a new argument but because I finally decided that I really do not like being with my DIL.  She spent the entire trip (9 hours in the car and 26 hours in Atlanta) complaining and bragging.  She complained about her husband (my DS), her health, her sisters, her Dad, her grandparents, her childhood, her hometown..... and she bragged about getting into the Governor's Honors Program in high school (an honor that both of my children were recommended for but did not get) over and over again.  I know that all of her complaining is designed to make me feel sorry for her and the bragging is an obvious attempt at bolstering her severe insecurity complex but I spent 9 hours trapped in a car emotionally fluctuating between pain, irritation and fear of Atlanta traffic and the closest I got to breaking was when I said "Could you please, please say something nice about my son?" and when I said "Both of my sons did not make it into the Governor's Honor program (GHP) and it is something we would like to put behind us because it causes us pain.  Please do not bring it up again".  Make no mistake, we have congratulated her on her accomplishments many times in the past but she keeps bringing it up.  It is always "my friend, X from GHP"  or "that is the exit to get to GHP" or "I learned that at GHP" etc., etc., etc.

GT and P.... I really wish there had been a way to call the trip off but it would have been so obvious and she would have been so hurt that I could not do it. 

TH..... I love the way you handled it!!  I won't promise not to use your tactics in the future.....

Wonderful L.....some people never learn that what you focus on expands and the more you complain the more reasons you will find to continue complaining.  I like to make my negative comments more goal oriented than informative.  If you are working towards a resolution then you are focusing on a satisfactory outcome and not just whining.  I have to admit that I did not understand this until I was much older than my DIL currently is.  There is time yet. 

The end result is that I decided that I need adult supervision in order to be with my DIL so from now on I will see to it that there is someone around who can help me redirect the conversation when needed.  It is either that or start with the sarcasm....."Really?  You went to GHP?"  or "Wow...I never knew you had kidney stones as a child"  you get the idea but that just feels like kicking a person when they are down.  She truly is a fragile person and that is why she needs to put us down to make herself feel adequate.  She absolutely loves my family and wants to belong but she feels like she does not deserve it.  Her barbs at me and my kids are ways of elevating her own sense of worth by bringing us down.  I believe that being the youngest of four children and having health issues so early taught her that the way to get noticed was to get sick.  It is so sad and dysfunctional and I am afraid that if her therapist and psychiatrist do not get her some major help soon that she will pass issues on to my wonderful GC who deserve so much better.  She is so incredibly smart and so artistically talented and so horribly wounded that it just breaks my heart.  I know my DS wants to help her.  Why did I have to raise a son with such a wonderful heart?   
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline Green Thumb

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 169
    • View Profile
Re: request for your calming tips
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2016, 01:53:41 PM »
Oh, boy, what a trip! It is not fun being with people who have such personalities as your DIL. Your DIL sounds like my BIL. He is all about himself, that is all he can talk about, or else he is talking about his "big shot" friend whose daddy is "king of all big shots" or rich, rich, rich. BIL came over to our house the day after we moved in, did not want to help unpack boxes. My husband was dealing with the phone and cable guys so it fell to me to "entertain" BIL. He is so unhappy and insecure and I tried to have compassion. He went on and on about everything he'd change in our house and it was kind of hilarious. I kept saying no, we won't change that & we like it this way, etc. He then wanted us to come over to his house and he would cook us dinner. Unfortunately, we were "too busy" to do so. LOL