Author Topic: no change after 6 years  (Read 4864 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2016, 12:28:19 AM »
Thankyou ladies for your support .
You would think I would know better after all these years .The thing is they think it's perfectly acceptable, they are offering us time to see the GC   . Just so long as it fits in with everything else . Now if that was a busy working schedule I would agree , however the time allotted is what's left after everyone else has had theirs . .
The crumbs .
Backing off again and again and again . They win again .
Doesn't give them the problem of having to think of excuses not to see us .Whatever .
If people want to see you , they make the time . Ok , point taken .
Love to you ladies , always there when I need you XX

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2016, 07:07:07 AM »
Beloved Friend. The problem never (or hardly ever) goes away...but we do. We choose otherwise knowing that others can't really choose for us. And what we choose is self-respect. We matter. And we choose to turn toward supportive, reciprocal, loving relationships...since we know we are more than deserving. Sending hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Green Thumb

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 169
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2016, 07:51:55 AM »
Lancaster Lady, I am sorry you are being scheduled in like this. My first thought was how awful, my second was how typical this is in today's young families. They are often so busy, parents working, kids taking sports and classes after school and on weekends, just scheduled to the hilt. Very little down time, even on weekends.  I might suggest you try the schedule thing. See if you can get it regular time and in a way that makes life easier for the DIL. Bring a meal over, etc. Play with the kids in their bedroom so she has space and time for herself. Bring over a craft project, coloring or painting or lego kit or something special to do with GC. In other words, you want the DIL to see you as help not a problem. If she's got a negative attitude this may not work, but at least you tried. Selfish people want things in their favor and to have it all about themselves so try to make a visit something that she feels is beneficial. Put seeing your GC higher priority than your feelings of being ostracized how how negative she treats you. Start slow and see how it goes, without expecting or being attached to an outcome. Conversely, if you just can't do this, then let it all go. You have some power here, although its all in your thinking, attitude, etc.

And lastly, today's young people do what they want, they see no reason to do things that are "too much work" or not pleasant. Older generations were trained to do their duty, to earn a parent's love, whereas younger generations have not been trained to do their own thing and feel the parent(s) need to earn the children's love and devotion. There was a lot of dysfunctional enmeshment and unhappiness in these older generations with their parents but it feels yucky to know one's adult children do not choose to have you in their lives. The "if it feels good, do it" generation has come full circle and our kids often don't feel like seeing us "feels good". Sigh. I don't have GC yet, but I expect to be scheduled and begging to visit and ignored. I am working on staying strong and busy and detaching from the hurt. Life is never easy and it usually turns out different than we hoped, wanted, or dreamed about. 

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2016, 09:38:20 AM »
Hi green thumb

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post .
This problem goes back years I'm afraid and is quite complex .However at this present time , the problem is time .
All the spare time is allocated to my DILS foo . They spend every holiday , birthday , anniversary weekend together .
Not leaving much time for this side of the family ..
I am that hands on GM , I'm an artist who would spend every waking hour with my GC . I've just made fairy lanterns for my GD . A  woodland mobile for my GS . ETC .
To get the full picture you would have to read all my history on WWU , too long and boring probably .
Nope , my DIL doesn't like anyone but her own family getting close to her kids .
Mine and her loss , not to mention those kids .
Backing off at the moment , will see what lies ahead .
I'll be in touch WW .


Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2016, 10:26:37 AM »
We'll be here. Wishing you the best!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Green Thumb

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 169
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2016, 01:45:25 PM »
LL, I understand how upsetting this is and why you feel the way you do, I am also the non-favorite in law or out law. I guess what I am saying is we can churn it inside our heads and hearts and grieve ourselves to death or we can accept it for how it is and detach from the emotions. All we can do is change our own attitudes and thinking, we can't change the other people. I do understand how you feel and what you want, am in a similar boat (but no GC yet, but it will likely be as you experience). What I see in you is a woman who has a lot of love and who could make the life of a child very happy. If your own GC is denied, and this is truly unfair to both of you, perhaps think about doing this for a non-blood relative like volunteering at a shelter or low income preschool to do arts and crafts with those kids. You would get a lot of love and be such a blessing, for sure!

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4399
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #21 on: June 20, 2016, 05:02:19 PM »
Sometimes we just need to share our frustration/sorrow with people who understand. The unfairness gets to me, too.  :(

But we've got to keep moving forward and stay out of the downward spiral! I want a fulfilling, joyous life in spite of my situation.

Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #22 on: June 20, 2016, 11:52:23 PM »
Hi Pen

You're so right . That's why I check in with you guys because I often think it's me that's in the wrong expecting the impossible. .
To share with those experiencing the same behaviour lets me know it's not normal to be given crumbs while others eat cake.
After all these years of being hungry I'm now used to not getting the icing . Moving on again until I'm summoned .
I have lots more friends who serve up large slices of cake .
Till next time ladies XX

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #23 on: July 11, 2016, 11:24:56 AM »
Love Ya LL!  I'll be waiting patiently to see pics of those paintings someday :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline lancaster lady

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1483
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #24 on: September 03, 2016, 02:17:41 AM »
Hello ladies !

Latest update .
My GS birthday is next week and knowing how everyone works these days
I thought I'd keep both Sundays free either side  thinking the celebration would be on one .
Turns out it's on a Tuesday !
Whole thing is laughable , apparently the other family members can't make weekends . Oh well another birthday missed .
What I didn't mention was we are going on a road trip in our new motorhome the same week , the tides are turning guys , for the better .
Old dog , new tricks .....lol .
Till next time , love you ?

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #25 on: September 03, 2016, 07:47:25 AM »
From this 'Old Dog', who is learning new tricks on the threshold 90, I am wishing you Happy Trails! When I married my Val, we were ages 62 and 78 respectively. The first thing we did was downsize and buy a motorhome...then off we went. We stayed at one spot right on the ocean for 18 months!! We had a home base but it was a park model trailer in a lovely, gated park so we didn't have to worry about it. For years, we wandered. It was heavenly! Hugs!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4399
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #26 on: September 04, 2016, 03:49:22 PM »
Hi LL :)

Ya gotta laugh, right? Congratulations on the motorhome, hope you have a great time!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Pooh

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5442
    • View Profile
Re: no change after 6 years
« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2016, 07:40:32 AM »
I'm jealous!  I want an RV!  Have a great time LL and yes, we can learn new tricks.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell