Author Topic: "Just the facts, Ma'am"  (Read 1761 times)

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Offline kate123

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"Just the facts, Ma'am"
« on: January 16, 2016, 04:47:19 AM »
Pen, I just saw this on one of your comments
I have dear friends, here at WWU and IRL, who don't require the eggshell walk or the "Dragnet" ("Just the facts, Ma'am") version of me.

Love it. Really hits the nail on the head for me. I am at that point with my son because I have come to realize my importance in his life. And since he no longer really shares anything with me because then he has to admit that he spends time with everyone BUT me (minus maybe a stopover), the conversations are getting weaker and weaker. I do not feel he is interested in talking to me much, just doing what is required. So now I give 'Just the facts'. "Yes I am still alive, glad you are doing well...".  All I can say is, he does not know what he is missing in a mother or friend like me.

Offline shiny

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Re: "Just the facts, Ma'am"
« Reply #1 on: January 16, 2016, 09:17:40 AM »
Kate, have you been reading my journal? ha!
This is my situation, too, and breaks my heart.

I try telling myself that he's very busy with his life -- little ones, wife, career, and all the rest.
I do get that cause I was there once.

But still, a five minute conversation on his way home from work, is lacking in connection with each other and keeping our relationship alive and growing.

Nothing I can do about it, but resign myself to the fact that this is what it is.
I do try focusing elsewhere, but my thoughts always wander back to him and this hurtful circumstance.

Hugs to you, K.

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: "Just the facts, Ma'am"
« Reply #2 on: January 17, 2016, 05:27:23 PM »
Its sad how some people treat other people. What I wonder about my own life, is did I treat my children too nicely? Was I too helpful, too loving? Did being a "good mother" teach my children that I could be treated poorly "just because"? Did their father, my ex, encourage this poor treatment of me by his poor treatment of me, and my silence of it until I divorced him? In other words, did their father modeling how unimportant I was to him, teach the kids that I was not important?

I know so many people who have controlling and manipulating mothers or fathers and these parents demand attention and the AC's time. So they get the attention and the visits and the grandkids, and the adult kids act so devoted, but these parents are not nice people, its like the children were trained to say "how high" when mom or dad said "jump".

Offline Pen

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Re: "Just the facts, Ma'am"
« Reply #3 on: January 17, 2016, 08:09:31 PM »
A friend of mine is suddenly going through rejection by her newly married DD. It came as a shock and has caused much pain and self-doubt. After talking with my friend I thought about all of our situations here at WWU.

When we are rejected, disrespected, forgotten or otherwise left behind by our AC, it can feel like more than a rejection of us as a person, which is horrible enough. We might also feel the loss of all the years we put into being a mother, as if our lives had been spent on things that ultimately have no value.

I refuse to let those years be seen as nothing, so I am working on validating myself as a parent. I mentioned in a post awhile back that I'd been looking through some old scrapbooks and records of my kids activities and accomplishments - and I had solid evidence that my children had fulfilling lives and much love and support given to them by DH & me.

As painful as it may be to face (painful memories, etc.), I highly recommend looking through evidence for validation.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: "Just the facts, Ma'am"
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2016, 05:41:00 AM »
My personal feeling is that we raised children who can stand on their own two feet.  It was always my goal to give my children all of the tools they would need to be independent and boy did I ever succeed!  When my children did something big on their own I was proud of them and supportive.  Other parents often berate their children's efforts and tell them that they cannot do things right.  It keeps them tied to the parents and raises pretty much emotionally crippled adults who are at their parents beck and call.  Those emotional cripples need good supportive spouses and guess who they pick?  You got it, our children who we have raised to stand on their own two feet. Now the emotional cripples are very insecure and actually feel threatened by the parents and siblings of their wonderful spouse so they pick apart everything we do and find fault everywhere they can. 

Those of us on this side of the arena should actually take a bow.  We not only raised a child who is independent but also a child who grew up to be an adult who liked to take care of the underdog.  My only regret is that I wish my DS had valued himself more and thought that he deserved better.  His DW treats him like a servant more than an equal and often puts him down in little ways that I find offensive.  I know that it is her way of building herself up but it hurts to see it happening and keeping my mouth shut is probably not going to work long term.  The more I am around them the more the pressure of biting my tongue builds.  Eventually I am going to blow but not any time soon.  For that reason, if no other, it is best if we do not spend much time together.  I am better when I spend time with either my DIL or my DS but not both since it is the interaction of them that sets my teeth grinding. 

So anyway my mantra is "No news is good news!" and if people ask me about them I just give the standard "They are doing fine" answers and try to change the subject.  If people ask for details I just tell them the truth....."I haven't heard from them in a while" and talk about something else.  All I know is that for some unknown reason my DS is happy, healthy and chasing his dreams and as long as his DW makes him happy she is OK in my book.  Nobody ever said life was fair but railing against this injustice is counter productive so I turn my attention to things that make me happy or things that I can change.  It just took me a while to "know the difference" like the serenity prayer from AA.

Good luck!!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Smilesback@u

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Re: "Just the facts, Ma'am"
« Reply #5 on: May 08, 2016, 10:28:57 AM »
A friend of mine is suddenly going through rejection by her newly married DD. It came as a shock and has caused much pain and self-doubt. After talking with my friend I thought about all of our situations here at WWU.

When we are rejected, disrespected, forgotten or otherwise left behind by our AC, it can feel like more than a rejection of us as a person, which is horrible enough. We might also feel the loss of all the years we put into being a mother, as if our lives had been spent on things that ultimately have no value.

I refuse to let those years be seen as nothing, so I am working on validating myself as a parent. I mentioned in a post awhile back that I'd been looking through some old scrapbooks and records of my kids activities and accomplishments - and I had solid evidence that my children had fulfilling lives and much love and support given to them by DH & me.

As painful as it may be to face (painful memories, etc.), I highly recommend looking through evidence for validation.

Thank you Pen!  This is a great start to 2016!  I have returned and catching up found your post so endearing.  This rings so true in my heart.  God bless, and Happy Mother's Day!

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