Author Topic: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter  (Read 2776 times)

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Offline Pooh

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Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« on: June 17, 2010, 08:16:41 AM »
There wasn't really a category to put this in because she is just 16 (not an adult daughter).  I just wanted to share this as it amazes me how sometimes men grasp things quicker than we do.

I have a stepdaughter who is 16.  My hubby has been having a really rough time out of her the last 6 or so months.  She lives with her Mom, and we have her every other weekend.  Although she is acting somewhat like a normal teenager, she has been extremely disrespectful to him for the last 6 months to a year.  She smarts off, will not tell you anything going on until the last minute and then go, oh, I need to be at so-and-so in thirty minutes.  She started wearing all black (Yes, we started researching EMO culture, Goth, etc.) to try to keep in tune with what might be going on.  She started out listening to music from bands that were linked to the EMO culture, but shows no other signs of that personality.  Now, she has been hanging out with some Korean girls at school (she is in the marching band and they are too) and all she does is watch videos and listen to music of Korean bands now.

Ok, that's a little background.  My hubby has tried to remain on top of things with her.  He refuses to buy her anything black, any of that music, disciplines her when she smarts off, refused to take her to events unless she started giving us some notice, etc.  I have been very proud of him even though I see the hurt it causes him because she will refuse to answer his texts, or calls when she is mad at him because he put his foot down.  The Mother offers no support at all and lets her do as she pleases.  So its very hard on him to undo in a weekend what her Mother lets her get away with in two weeks.

Anyway, I wanted to share what he did this weekend.  I went out of town to take my son to his military base, so he called her Friday night thinking he would invite her to a movie and dinner, just the two of them.  When she answered the phone, she answered it with this.  "IS THIS ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY?"  She screamed it not even knowing why he was calling.  He could have been having a heart attack for all she knew.  So what does he do?  Hangs up the phone on her!  Doesn't say a word, just hangs up.  She tried to call him back 3 times within a couple of hours and he kept hitting ignore.  Then she has tried a few more times throughout the last week and he just keeps hitting ignore.  His words were, "I refuse to let her treat me disrespectfully any longer.  I hate not talking to her, but it is better than ending up in a yelling match every time because of her smart aleck mouth.  When she learns to be respectful, I will talk to her again."

Ok, now I know he is hurting, but how quickly he grasped the concept of "I don't deserve this."  I sure can learn alot from him!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2010, 09:13:58 AM »
sheeesh, what a good man you have, smart to.....God bless him, you should be very proud of him...

tough love is hard....and words cannot express how amazing he is....he's not doing what's easy for him to do....not by any means....so, I certainly hope his daughter comes to her senses and realizes what a good dad she has...

and good luck to your son...it's always nice to read you...
thank you for sharing....

Creme

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2010, 10:07:04 AM »
Thank you Creme.  I always enjoy reading your posts as well.  I have found a good man.  After having a not-so-good one for 21 years, it was wonderful to find such a caring person.  He had to break down alot of walls with me, one brick at a time, to get me to trust again.  But he was patient, kind, considerate and has a great sense of humor.  I know how lucky I am to have found a really good person and I am grateful for him every day.  I will tell you something that is totally girly about how good he is.  In the 2 1/2 years we have been together, there has not been one day...not one...that he hasn't told me how beautiful he thinks I am and how blessed he feels to have me in his life.  Yep...he's a keeper.  And since the day we got married, he has only missed 1 morning (he was sick) that he has not brought me coffee in the morning.  Don't know what I did to deserve him, but he is incredible.

And yes, he is a great father.   She is his only child and he loves her with all his heart.  He has been getting up every day, since he divorced five years ago, and drives 40 minutes to take her to school.  He doesn't have to, he wants to. He told me he hated only seeing her every other weekend, so this was his way of getting to see her all the time.  Even if it was only for a 10 minute drive to school.  That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.  So this is very hard on him.  She got her own car two weeks ago so now he knows the school driving thing is over.

But I am still amazed that he caught on so quickly to not allow her to treat him terribly, no matter how much he loves her. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

cremebrulee

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2010, 10:37:46 AM »
Thank you Creme.  I always enjoy reading your posts as well.  I have found a good man.  After having a not-so-good one for 21 years, it was wonderful to find such a caring person.  He had to break down alot of walls with me, one brick at a time, to get me to trust again.  But he was patient, kind, considerate and has a great sense of humor.  I know how lucky I am to have found a really good person and I am grateful for him every day.  I will tell you something that is totally girly about how good he is.  In the 2 1/2 years we have been together, there has not been one day...not one...that he hasn't told me how beautiful he thinks I am and how blessed he feels to have me in his life.  Yep...he's a keeper.  And since the day we got married, he has only missed 1 morning (he was sick) that he has not brought me coffee in the morning.  Don't know what I did to deserve him, but he is incredible.

And yes, he is a great father.   She is his only child and he loves her with all his heart.  He has been getting up every day, since he divorced five years ago, and drives 40 minutes to take her to school.  He doesn't have to, he wants to. He told me he hated only seeing her every other weekend, so this was his way of getting to see her all the time.  Even if it was only for a 10 minute drive to school.  That was one of the things that made me fall in love with him.  So this is very hard on him.  She got her own car two weeks ago so now he knows the school driving thing is over.

But I am still amazed that he caught on so quickly to not allow her to treat him terribly, no matter how much he loves her.

some men are really amazing....aren't they...and you've got yourself a keeper....
in that, I am happy for you and envy you both at the same time....I was never lucky at love, and fear ever hurting like that again, so I choose not to date and be alone....hehe, I remember oh, bout 10 years ago, getting ready for a date and I broke out in a complete sweat...and thought, "What am I doing, I have no desire to go"....and that was that...LOL....like everything else, there are good things and bad things about every situation....and sometimes, (not much) when I am lonely, I think about it, and snap right out of it....LOL

So, in that, Girl, be very happy you have him...and please know, I'm wishing you the best with not only  your step daughter, but in life as well.....

Creme

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2010, 11:02:41 AM »
Lol.  Thanks Creme and I can sympathize.  I never get sick.....and I had talked to my hubby for five months on the phone before I would even meet him.  The night I was finally going to go out on a date with him, I was so scared and nervous, I was in the bathroom sick as a dog for an hour before he got there with my two sons sitting outside the bathroom door going, "Mom, maybe you should reconsider going..." and then bursting out laughing as they tried to be supportive.....yeah right!  I figured that I really shouldn't be going because obviously, I wasn't ready.  But I felt bad because he was driving an hour to get me so I toughed it out thinking it would be the only date.  Boy am I glad I was wrong.

Now I have 2 girlfriends who are the same as you.  They love their single and alone life and wouldn't trade it for anything.  One of them said on that rare occasion she feels the slightest bit lonely, she walks in the bathroom, lifts up the toilet seat, stares at it for about 10 seconds then....POOF....snaps right out of it!
« Last Edit: June 17, 2010, 11:16:03 AM by Pooh »
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2010, 07:12:48 AM »
Had to give you an update on the irresponsible, smart aleck, teenage step-daughter.  I have been staying out of it because my hubby handles her very well.  I support him, but I just sit back and let him deal with her.  Well, things have changed a bit.  After the whole thing I posted earlier, she didn't call or text him on Father's Day!  I was so angry watching him hurt that evening.  He was trying not to let it show that it bothered him, but he was so hurt.  It was one of those things he knew she probably was going to do, but when it actually happened, he was so upset.

So, she calls him the next night.  When the phone rings, he smiles and thinks, "Ah, she is calling because she forgot to call me yesterday and just remembered."  He answers it, and what does she say?  No..."Hey, how's it going Dad.  What have you been doing?"   When he answers she says, "Are my tennis rackets still in your garage?" That's it.  He says, "Yes" and she says, "Put them in Pooh's car and I will come by and get them at her work tomorrow."  He says, "Fine" and she hangs up!

That was it!  I saw red then.  I looked at him and said, "Ok, now I have had it with her rudeness and orders.  She just involved me without asking, so now I am stepping in."  He just kind of smiled and nodded.  Well, I tend to have a sense of humor when dealing with difficult people so I had an idea.  She borrowed her Dad's bicycle pump about 4 months ago and he had been asking her to bring it back.  She still had not done this, so I figured this would be my angle.  I text her and said, "Hey, your Dad told me your wishes that I bring your rackets to work with me tomorrow, and even though you didn't ask me, I am going to do that for you.  But.....you need to bring his bicycle pump.  No pump....no rackets....I am officially holding them hostage."  Lol.

She sent back only one word. "Ok."  Low and behold, she never showed up the next day, no text, no call.  I just let it ride and kept the rackets in the trunk of my car.  I thought, no way, You have a key to the house and I know you.  You will come to the house while we are at work.   (After raising 2 sons I learned to try and stay a step ahead).  Finally, 3 days later, she text me and I was in a meeting at work.   So it was 30 minutes before I could answer her.  Her text read, "You still have my rackets?"  I sent back, "Yes, I still have them."  She sent back, "Well, too late now.  I asked 30 minutes ago."  I sent back, "I am at work and was in a meeting."   No answer!  Lol.

Ok, so now here we are a week later, I still have the rackets in the trunk of my car and haven't heard from her.  Found out yesterday, from her Mom, that stepdaughter has been frantically looking for the bicycle pump and can't locate it.  She's thinking she let a friend borrow it but can't remember.

We have her this weekend....going to get interesting!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2010, 12:19:21 PM »
Well, weekend didn't go as planned...go figure.  Daughter sends my DH a text Friday afternoon that reads, "I have made plans with friends tonight and then will be over, and I have plans with friends tomorrow too."  Yep, that was it.  TOLD him what she was doing, didn't ask if she could or if we already had plans (We did).  So DH calls his Ex and says, "Ok, 1st question.  Are you allowing our daughter to tell you what she is doing instead of asking?"  Her Mom does her normal and starts making excuses for the behavior.  My DH goes on to tell her that the daughter's behavior is unacceptable and her disrespect has become intolerable.  He told her, "I am not asking you to fix it, I just simply wanted to know what boundaries you guys are setting and let you know that I am done tolerating her disrespect and hurtful ways and am going to talk to her this weekend.  I just wanted you to be prepared for what she says to you about it, and get the truth from me on how she is treating me."

Mom proceeds to tell him that DD is just spreading her wings and is growing up and that there is nothing wrong with her behavior.  Geesh....thanks for the support.  So he gets off the phone and says to me, "Well, I should have known I would get no support from her on this."  So he texts his DD back and says, "You have an 8 o'clock curfew tonight to be at the house and we are going to sit down and talk."  She texts back, "I forgot to pack before work, so I will just stay at home this weekend.  Another time maybe."


Poor DH.  He was so hurt but of course her Mother went along with it instead of telling her that it was her weekend to come here and she was going.  All it boiled down to was DD was not getting her way with her Dad, and took the easy way out.  So DH calls Ex back and tells her what DD said and she says, "Well I guess you should have laid off."  Oh...I could choke her sometimes.  DH tells her, "You are right.  I will start laying off.  That means I am no longer a money pit to you and her.  If that is all you guys think of me, then I am done with all that.  I will pay my child support and medical part, but that's it! "  (She plays in a band that cost us about $1000 year and also chose to attend a different school than what is in her district, that he has been paying $700.00 tution so she could go.  It's a public school, not private.  He also spends probably $200 on our weekends with her buying her clothes necessities like bras, socks, panties and things her mother never gets her and paying for field trips and such her mother will not do.    He has done all of this because he wanted to do it.)  He says, "all the extras stop now until she learns to be appreciative."  They get in a huge fight and he ends up hanging up on her.  And you should know, it has nothing to do with money.  He would never deny her anything that was truly a necessity.

So we haven't seen DD all weekend.  I have never understood why people think if you make excuses for someones irresponsible and disrespecful  behavior, that you don't understand you are giving them permission to act that way.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2010, 01:26:17 AM »
Pooh:

I loved the way your dh handled this situation with step-daughter.  It is what he has to do.  He is her father, the provider and have to put limits to her actions.  She should abide by the rules.  I am sure she will think it over and after some time of not having all that extra-money she will weigh the loss and benefits of her selfishness. 

I agree that she is in a growing stage...but that is why it is very important to make her know that she cannot have what she doesn"t deserve>   Her mother should realize that she is harming her girl backing up her disrespect and selfishness.   

I feel sorry for your husband who is hurting with her attitude.   She is not showing any love or appreciation for Dad .  He sounds a very kind, caring dad. 

Things will be better after this.  It is great that your husband has you to support him.
He is very lucky to have you---and you are very lucky to have him.

Good night and may God
Bless you
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2010, 11:16:39 AM »
Thanks Nana.  He is a wonderful father and person.  Sad thing is, he has told her since she started driving that he understands that she is growing up and wants to spend time with her friends.  He just simply told her that if it was our weekend, to ask him to see if we had made plans first, and if we had not, he had no problem with her spending some time with them.  But he also pointed out she was to ask, not tell and that she would still have a curfew.  Since her mother isn't giving her the same rules at home, she is simply taking the easy way out and not coming over.  Who could blame her?  I blame her Mother for not making her come on over and face the music over her behavior.  She gave her a way out instead of making her take responsiblity for her actions.

But, she is old enough to know that disrespect and purposeful hurt is not acceptable.  It's very hard when both households don't agree on rules.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2010, 12:58:09 PM »
DearPooh

I agree with you.  Your step-daughter should understand that part of life is to learn to follow rules.  Her mother doesnt teach her that.  It seems to me that step-mom is acting more like a friend with her and she does not need a friend (she has many) ---she needs a mother.   These forming years of your step-daughter will determine the adult she will become. 

Another thing we as parents should teach our children is empathy.  She does not show any empathy at all---- not even towards her dad that loves her and supports her all the way.  I was thinking Pooh, imagine the kind of dil she will become lol. 

Now, as your step-daughter is doing just as she pleases, your hubby has all the right to stop supporting her as he always does.  The problem is that we love our children and it is very hard for us to take away from them our support (either financial or emotional) .  This in turn make our children believe that they deserve it all and they dont have to do nothing in return. 

I wish you the best of luck to you and hubby.
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2010, 10:21:36 AM »
Well the drama continues.  It's been two weeks and we were supposed to have stepdaughter this weekend.  Had not seen or heard from her by 9:00 pm Friday, so hubby sends a text to ex and says, "FYI, XXXX has not shown up yet."  About thirty minutes later, gets a text back from ex that says, "My Mother broke her arm and needed help this weekend, so XXXX has gone to stay with her."

OK. So now I am torn.  1) If this is the total truth, then Ex should have called and asked if hubby minded if XXXX went to GM to help her this weekend instead of coming over.  No notification that she wasn't coming until hubby asked is unacceptable to me.   2) I have serious doubts to the truth of this and think Ex is just helping daughter still make excuses to not come over.

DH didn't respond and was very upset.  Both hurt and angry.  After he calmed down he told me that his first thought was he really wanted to drive to the GM house to see if she was there and if so, make her get in the car and come home with us.  If she wasn't there, he wanted to drive to Ex's house and drag her out.  Then he said his second thought was that if the Ex had made XXXX go to Grandma's to help, then he didn't want to catch XXXX in the middle.  Third, if she was helping her make an excuse, he said he didn't want to force her to our house if she didn't want to come over.  Poor fellow, he went back and forth for several hours trying to decide what to do.  In the end, he decided to send XXXX an email and poured his heart out to her.  No accusations, just simply told her that he was sorry if she felt like she couldn't come over any more and that he would really like to talk to her about what her reasons were.  He told her he loved her and always would but that the ball was in her court now to contact him.

I feel so bad for him.  He is trying so hard to do the right thing but is now worried which way to go.  He said he didn't want to force her to come over, but at the same time, didn't want her to think he didn't care by just waiting to see what happens.  He was in tears when he wrote her, and it was killing me to watch him hurt so badly over this.

So, now my question to you guys?  What would you do?  He has every legal right to make her come during his scheduled visitation but he says he wants to do what's best for her.  We know she doesn't like it because she has rules at our house (curfew, no smarting off, no disrespect, etc.) and that she doesn't want to come over because she gets away with those at her house.  His fear is if he drags her to the house, against her will she will become more rebellious.  But the flip side, he doesn't want her to feel like we don't want her there.  Oh what a quandary.

And my stance has been to just tell him all weekend, "Whatever you decide, I will support you and be beside you."  My only advice to him was that I thought, no matter what, he should schedule a face-to-face with the Ex and discuss that it was not acceptable to not notify him that she was not coming over.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2010, 10:26:38 AM »
Oh and by the way, I am no saint..........I want to go kick Ex's butt all the way down the highway and back.  ;D
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2010, 11:24:55 PM »
You are funny Pooh.....go get her  lol. 

You just support your wonderful husband.  He is a loving caring father and daughter does not appreciate this at this time in her life.      He should talk to ex about what is in the best interest of daughter and let her know that covering her up is not making daughter a real responsible and mature women. 

Hugs
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline Pooh

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #13 on: July 20, 2010, 05:57:27 AM »
Thanks Nana.  Been there, done that...multiple times.  He has tried and tried to talk to Ex about how DD has been treating us and has asked her for her help in helping him try to teach her that her behavior is unacceptable.  Gets the same response every time.  She sees no problem with her behavior and says that DD is just being a normal teenager.  Her behavior is above and beyond the "normal" teenage disrespect.  Problem is, she comes by it honestly.  Just as Mom didn't feel the need to contact hubby Friday to let him know she had sent her to GM instead of to our house, DD sees her Mom not acting responsibly and is following in her footsteps.  So, no help from Mom.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Nana

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Re: Hubby's difficulties with teenage daughter
« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2010, 02:12:21 PM »
As mother as daughter.....Your husband should have the piece of mind of trying to make her teenage daughter a responsible person.  He cant do no more if he does not have his ex-support.
Incredible how we say we love our children and still do not take the the bull by its horns.   Being a mom to a teenage daughter is not an easy job.  It takes hard work and perseverance to accomplish our job.  My husband always says that it is easier to be good to our children then to do what we have to for their own good.  Well...... poor girl....she will eventually suffer from the lack of empathy she has and of her unruly life. 

You both just hold on.......you cant do much if she isnt with you. 
May God bless you all!
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare