Author Topic: Controlling MIL  (Read 8849 times)

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Offline starfire

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2015, 10:33:45 AM »
My son also has food allergies so I know how you feel. My son is allergic to eggs and peanuts. (The eggs very bad) The issue with that is my husband family has lasagna for Christmas. I was hoping for them to make it with egg free noodles but it's tradition that they make the family noodles (while they taste amazing, I know my son can't have this). My husband asking if there will be anything for my son to eat, however if there isn't, would it be rude to bring food for him? I don't want him to go hungry. (My son sadly is allergic to a lot, which he got from me. My husband family doesn't have allergies so I think it's difficult for them to understand how severe they can be, since they never witnessed it).

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #31 on: December 03, 2015, 11:43:34 AM »
Actually Starfire my lasagna recipe calls for eggs mixed with the cottage cheese or ricotta cheese so there may be eggs beyond the noodles.  I would get my DH to ask if we could bring a pan of egg free lasagna.  Bring enough for the others to taste so that they will know that making that minor adjustment need not impact the taste of the lasagna much.  Either that or ask that they reserve some sauce so that you can bring some noodles for him to eat spaghetti since he cannot eat the lasagna.  Have you tried using julienned zucchini squash as a noodle substitute?  They work great and save all those carbs (and most people are quite intrigued by them)!   Good luck!
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Offline PatiencePlease

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #32 on: December 04, 2015, 12:27:11 AM »
Ditto what others have posted.  If you don't protect your son's interests, who will?  I would simply and calmly explain to MIL your concerns about your son's health & add these words "as a mother, I'm sure you understand my concerns and why this decision is necessary."  If she chooses to disagree & wants to argue about it simply don't engage with her.  Your son needs you.

I do hope you find ways to talk to your husband about how you feel about his mother's need to control & how it seems to you your husband doesn't set healthy boundaries.  Do you think you might suggest marriage counseling to him?  It doesn't mean you are failing at marriage.  It means your marriage is worth saving & needs a realignment.  A marriage consists of two partners; both your MIL and husband need to understand that.

Keep us posted.  I wish you the best.

Offline Pen

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #33 on: December 06, 2015, 01:57:31 PM »
My DDD has allergies, too. When going to events, I always make sure she has similar but allergen-free foods available. I do not put that responsibility on others who may not have the knowledge to accommodate and adjust accordingly. It is a pain sometimes, but I can't expect others to change their routines for her...even if they "should."
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #34 on: December 06, 2015, 03:03:53 PM »
I have food allergies, for example, I can't eat lasagna at all. The easiest most polite thing to do is bring a main dish for the allergic person. That is what I do, unless there will be other foods that round out the meal that the allergic person can eat. I don't ask for special food to be prepared but I do ask if I can bring something and sometimes I bring a big green salad so I know I have food. The last family meal I went to, they were serving taco salad and I brought my own salad and dressing. (And my husband said the taco salad was terrible!) Just quietly get your own food and sit down and quietly eat it, is how I approach it. Or sometimes I bring a dish that I can eat, and add it to the "pot luck" other foods. It depends on how they are serving the food or what they are making.

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #35 on: December 06, 2015, 03:13:21 PM »
Starfire, do you know the theory of allergies and the "bucket" analogy? It is that people can tolerate the things or foods they are allergic to  to a certain extent but once it gets too much, it fills the bucket and spills out into a full blown allergic "attack" -- ear infections, snotty nose, hives, etc. Meaning I am allergic to 3 foods and I can eat them once and have a small reaction. If I ate any of these these foods again or for a second meal, I get really sick. If the pollen count is high, and I eat one of these three foods or all three of them, then I have a medium reaction. If the pollen is high, and I eat these foods more than once, then I have a high reaction. My bucket gets full fast and runs over.

I mention this because since your MIL has the dogs and your son is allergic to dogs, it might be best for him not to eat the egg containing foods. The two things together may fill his bucket and make it run over.   Also there are eggs in cakes, cookies and some pies so you may want to bring a nice dessert to share that he can eat.

Offline starfire

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #36 on: January 09, 2016, 10:14:04 AM »
Thank you so much to everyone!

I wanted to give everyone a update, we stayed in the hotel and only went to my MIL for a few hours, however that night my poor son threw up about 5 or 6 times. Having a crying one year old in a hotel on Christmas that continued to threw up, and then saying he wanted to go bye bye, along with not going to his father was not how I was thinking Christmas would go. Needless to say I told my husband we would not be going back there in the morning. Instead we went to the mall invited my in-laws but they didn't show up, which I think my husband was very sad about. We got to see them later at his grandmothers though. Now I'm just wondering how to handle this in the future, because I don't want my son going though that again.

Thanks for everything.
Starfire

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #37 on: January 09, 2016, 01:52:27 PM »
What made him throw up, do you know?
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #38 on: January 11, 2016, 06:44:29 AM »
Yes, I would be interested in what made him throw up too?  If he didn't eat any of the food that you knew he was allergic too...I'm confused.  I know the dog allergies, but I've never heard of animal allergies making someone throw up?

As far as the food allergy thing goes, I'm with Pen.  My youngest Grandson is lactose intolerant.  It will make him violently throw up.  So when he is with me, or they are coming over to dinner, I make sure there are things he can eat and I'm very careful when we have him not to let him have any (although the poor fellow begs for macaroni and cheese everywhere we go).  I think that is the right thing for a Grandma to do.  I provide for him at my home.

BUT (there is that word)....if we have him and we are taking him to a family event, or a friends house,  I make sure that I take things he can eat.  Yes, it's nice for people to think of him, but it truly isn't their responsibility.  It is mine to ensure he can eat and be safe.  Even if someone is nice, I have found they don't think things completely through like I do.  They THINK they are making something for him without milk, but forget it might have cheese, sour cream, etc. in it.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
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Offline starfire

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #39 on: January 11, 2016, 05:39:46 PM »
Honestly were not sure, since we brought food for him. So the only thing different was the dog allergy and the environment.  We did go to the waterpark with them but we kept him in a kiddy area and he's been to a waterpark before. He's also to been to hotels before. I don't know if it's eczema acted up and he was just upset because that or what. But the next day we just went to the mall and met them at my husbands grandmothers and he was completely fine then. So I'm not sure I was planning to try to talk to his doctor at his next visit about it to see if she could think of anything.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #40 on: January 12, 2016, 03:29:36 AM »
Oh Starfire, there are so many reasons your DS could have been throwing up and very few of them would appear to be at your MIL's house.  It could have been a bug or honestly your DS could have sensed how tense you were about going over there and reacted from nerves.  Some time between now and next Christmas why don't you let your DH take your DS down to visit his mother without you?  This has two wins in it, you get the weekend off and if there are any side effects your DH has to handle them alone which generally will calm down the urging to visit.

Hugs!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pooh

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2016, 07:45:01 AM »
Oh Starfire, there are so many reasons your DS could have been throwing up and very few of them would appear to be at your MIL's house.  It could have been a bug or honestly your DS could have sensed how tense you were about going over there and reacted from nerves.  Some time between now and next Christmas why don't you let your DH take your DS down to visit his mother without you?  This has two wins in it, you get the weekend off and if there are any side effects your DH has to handle them alone which generally will calm down the urging to visit.

Hugs!

I totally agree!  He could have caught a bug from anywhere and it may not have had nothing to do with his allergies.  I love SL's suggestion!  It would be a great test to see if it happens again or if that was something else AND your DH would have to deal with it.  I find putting responsibility back on someone else sometimes works like magic. The either gain sympathy or find it's too hard to do themselves and don't suggest it again! WINNING!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #42 on: January 12, 2016, 10:00:22 AM »
Brilliant!  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #43 on: January 13, 2016, 02:27:11 PM »
Oh, wow, a vomiting child in a hotel room, you have my sympathy! One time I got food poisoning at a professional conference and could not leave the toilet in my room, was truly awful. Do check with his allergy doctor and ask if allergies can cause vomiting, my guess is unless he is having asthma (and heaving his chest) or lots of nasal drainage irritating his stomach, it was likely one of those 24 hour stomach bugs -- this is from someone who has been dealing with food allergies in myself or my kids for 24 years. Yet, if he is allergic to dairy like I am, he is probably also lactose intolerant and milk, ice cream, yogurt, etc. can make him queasy or vomit. I have not eating dairy ice cream in 25 years cause the last time I ate it, I was so queasy and it lasted for hours.

Your mother's heart probably balks at having husband take son to his mothers without you. But the suggestion to let husband take son alone is guaranteed to make your husband take some ownership of son's allergies. Of course, if they come home with a sick kid and you have to take Monday off from work, well that does impact you. Although I gotta tell you, if husband is self centered, he is gonna always balk and deny the allergies. My narcissistic Ex husband told a cousin that when we divorced he was so glad to not have to deal with the children's food allergies any longer! (What an A**) Then he would insist our son come over and eat pizza every time they got together  and put extra cheese on the homemade pizza. This did upset our son but this was before I knew about narcissism.

Offline starfire

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Re: Controlling MIL
« Reply #44 on: February 15, 2016, 10:29:48 AM »
Hello all,

Thank you for the suggestions, I told my husband at some point he could take my son alone to his mothers, but he stated he doesn't want to. I think this is due to him having some hurt feelings during Christmas. His parents spent their time watching TV at there house and then not coming to the mall and since Christmas we tend to be the only one to make contact. I think he's hurt because his parents are so involved in their other grandson/ son life but not in ours. We had a talk about this yesterday in fact and he stated he wish they would call or visit him more. I don't know what to do because even though I sorta have the mindset that the people who want to be in your life will make an effort to be in it (this is due to my past since my father and I have a difficult relationship), it's breaking my heart how sad he is about this yet I don't know if it's my place to have a conversation with the in laws. It's difficult to invite them to our house due to my MIL being a nurse and is on call many weekends and my FIL coaches his other grandson team. So when we invite them it tends to not work out, and scheduling also very difficult since when we tend to make places they don't tend to let us know until last minute if there coming or not. This is hard for me since I like to clean and everything before my MIL comes, so I get very stressed out learning about it the day of normally. This has how it's been since my husband left for college, it however didn't seem to bother him until we had our son.

I'm trying to put my feelings aside at the moment, since my husband wanted me to tell my MIL about a big event in our life recently. So I did she immediately called my husband and said nothing to me. I have called her since and still she says nothing to me about it. While this hurts me, I'm more worried about my husband feelings at the moment.

Thanks,
Starfire