Author Topic: Need advice: My D is the DIL  (Read 3983 times)

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Offline PatiencePlease

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #15 on: November 30, 2015, 02:03:45 PM »
Here's an update & it's not good.  :(

The relationship between mother and son has taken a turn for the worse.  His mom showed up unannounced at their house - thankfully my daughter was not home so she was not involved.  Mother and son are at a stalemate.  His mom will not forgive him or my daughter for not allowing a visit at the time of the baby's birth.  My son-in-law again proposed that they agree to disagree and move on but his mom won't. 

Please know I didn't ask for this information.  My daughter relayed this to me and I simply listened without asking any questions -- I really don't want to know their business.

So now there is no contact with his parents.   In my eyes, the grand baby is a casualty in all this because there is no opportunity available to get to know the paternal grandparents (the rest of his family is in touch, however).

I want to say something to my daughter to point this out, but know I can't.  (I hate keeping my mouth shut but I am doing it.  lol) 

As an aside, I did mention to my daughter that I was doing my Christmas baking and would be shipping out cookies as usual.  My daughter thought it was not a good idea for me to send the cookies to her husband's parents this year as I have done in the past.  I disagreed with her and pointed out I am not involved in this dispute and won't be placed in the middle.  Cookies will be sent out as usual.  :)

I so wish this whole thing would get resolved.  I do understand that we all need to keep toxic controlling people at arm's length if we have to do so.   But.... this grand baby deserves to be surrounded by ALL grandparents.  Ugh. 

I'm so glad WWU exists so I can vent here.  It truly helps me keep my mouth shut around my daughter.  lol

Thanks for listening.  Again. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #16 on: December 01, 2015, 08:18:08 AM »
Well I hate that for them, but it sounds like his Mom is doing this to herself. 

Good for you for not getting stuck in the middle!  Bake those cookies Girl!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline PoppyMillie

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #17 on: December 02, 2015, 05:16:08 AM »
Isn't it odd how a small issue ( like giving the mother 1 week to recover) has turned into a huge problem, where the baby could potentially be without its grandparents for years. The mother of the child doesn't need the stress of all this at this point in time. I think that all parties concerned need to regroup and focus. The baby is not going to be worst off if he/ she doesn't see his/ her grandparents in his/her first week of life. The MIL sounds overbearing. Maybe that is why your daughter asked for a week to recover. I am postgrad psychology student. One of the things that I discovered in development psychology is that babies who have many visitors in the first month of their life, struggle with feeding from their mother. This is the result of lack of intimate bonding with the mother, and constant visitors and being passed around between friends and family members. Grandparents need to realise that their role in their grandchildren's lives is secondary at best!. It is essential ( in the first 3 months) for a baby's well being to establish a firm bond with its mother first!. But hey, as long as your needs as grandparents are met, who cares right? Even if you put the mother's and babies life at risk with all this tension and stress.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #18 on: December 02, 2015, 05:46:31 AM »
I agree that the Paternal GM is being  ridiculous over this entire thing.. particularly since the one week request was meant for both sets of grandparents.  It's not like the maternal GM was given unlimited access and the other wasn't..  I agree with the OP.. the request was unusual, but to each his own.  It should have been respected.   On the other hand, I hardly think that having grandparents see the baby immediately is going to put both the mothers and the baby's life at risk.. that is just over the top, and a bit dramatic.    If that were the case, there wouldn't be very many moms and babies surviving.. as most people let the GPs see the baby in the hospital or as soon as they come home.     

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #19 on: December 02, 2015, 08:18:55 AM »
PatiencePlease, It appears that thhe MIL sounds fairly irrational and her focus is on meeting HER needs and so I offer this from my perspective and my experience.

I think your daughter and son in law are dealing with an extreme form of mental illness or narcissism from the MIL. I am on another forum for children of narcissists and some parents are super controlling and interfering and just plain old problem causing. You would not believe what some of these parents do to their children!

For those of us that are nice, good people, we can't understand the depth of the problems some people cause. We good, nice, loving people could never imagine creating such problems for other people. Yet those of us who have people in our family like this MIL, say "Right On" to the parents cause we know they have no choice but to do this.

It is understandable that you think the grandbaby needs to be around both grandparents but this is the good person in you speaking. And chances are, you have not been around someone who is this toxic, controlling, ugly acting, critical, shaming, mean, whatever. Some people are so toxic and so controlling that they do not bring good into any relationship.

I know as I have these toxic relationships in my family, extended family, adult children. The best thing sometimes is to protect oneself and one's children.

It sounds like your SIL made this choice to have a peaceful family life. Please do not beg your daughter or SIL to rethink this. When one is dealing with a narcissist or sociopath or someone with a personality disorder or mental illness, hearing someone say "it can't be that bad" is just plain discouraging and supports the ugly acting person. You see, the ugly acting person usually blames everything on the other person, they are always the victim and the other person is always to blame.

If you feel okay about sending cookies, and this MIL treats you with respect, then do so. Be very careful if she tries to put you in the middle, asking you to do this or that to interfere, or calling you to complain about the new parents cutting her off. This is called triangulation and some people are masters at keeping the chaos going through manipulation of all the parties.

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #20 on: December 02, 2015, 08:33:08 AM »
PoppyMillie,
You do have a good point about the baby needing to bond with the mother. I used to work with new moms and many told me that they really struggled the second or third week when they were finally alone with the baby and did not know jack about diapers or feedings because relatives had done it all so mom could rest.

Lillycache, it may seem overly dramatic in normal situations where the grandparents visit, help cook and clean and keep the mother and baby together. Your experience is probably of people that were helpful and I get it that it sounds overly dramatic but I have seen the controlling relatives destroy the new mothers confidence.

I think it depends on if "the help" is there to meet their own needs or if "the help" is there to meet the needs of the mom and baby. 'Tis a huge difference.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #21 on: December 02, 2015, 08:48:24 AM »
We sometimes slip out of sharing and into debate mode. It usually means it's time to close the thread. Do you feel you have the input you wanted, PP?
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline PoppyMillie

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #22 on: December 03, 2015, 03:06:50 AM »
I can sometimes get a little over passionate about this topic. My best friend had problems with her in laws before she had her first baby. The stress, tension and fighting cause a few health problems, and a drop in the baby's heart beat. He was delivered by emergency, almost one month before the due date. They kept the baby in hospital for two weeks after, and she was feeling off for quite some time after. I really felt for her. The doctors said that stress was the major cause!.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2015, 09:40:54 AM by luise.volta »

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #23 on: December 03, 2015, 09:45:57 AM »
P, to protect yourselves, members don't use proper names, or made up ones. I modified your post. I use my own name, Luise, because it is my Website, and my son's, Kirk, who is our webmaster. Everyone else plus their family and friends are anonymous. Thanks.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline PatiencePlease

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Re: Need advice: My D is the DIL
« Reply #24 on: December 03, 2015, 06:41:09 PM »
Thank you for all the responses.  I just wanted to follow up months later.  Should my SILs mom try to involve me, I will remain neutral and not give opinions because it's simply not my place to do so.

Thank you all!  WWU ladies rock! 🙂