Author Topic: Ostracized and Alienation  (Read 2048 times)

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Offline firefly

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Ostracized and Alienation
« on: September 25, 2015, 10:05:06 AM »
This article I found is so very insightful and helpful.  It describes exactly how I feel and I suspect many of us on here can relate!  I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me.
I feel free and liberated!

http://ostracism-awareness.com/recovery/

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2015, 10:32:42 AM »
Thank you so much. How illuminating! I am going to move your post over to where others are more likely to find it. What a great contribution!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2015, 09:15:03 PM »
This is exactly what I needed to read today! Thanks FF!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline shiny

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2015, 05:08:13 AM »
Thanks for this helpful resource, FF!

After ten years, am still 'working on' my emotional health resulting from estrangement from AC.

One thing that has helped is realizing that it's really not about me, but about how the AC 'thinks' and perceives whatever is going thru their mind ...

Out - of - my - control.

Offline firefly

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2015, 05:19:38 AM »
Thanks for this helpful resource, FF!

After ten years, am still 'working on' my emotional health resulting from estrangement from AC.

One thing that has helped is realizing that it's really not about me, but about how the AC 'thinks' and perceives whatever is going thru their mind ...

Out - of - my - control.

Until I stumbled across this article, website, I was so consumed with trying to fit in, walking on egg shells around them, begging for a few crumbs from their life.  I never realized that what they are doing is ABUSE.  It is deliberate, with full intentions and cruel abuse.
So I decided to have more self worth and demand better treatment for myself.  Enough of blaming myself.  Before the ostracizing and alienation came to my life from them, I had apologized over and over for anything I had said or done whether it was intentional or un intentional, to no avail.  They continued with their ostracizing.  They would deliberate post on Facebook the date, the parties, the get togethers and list all the names of family members either through blood or marriage that were invited.  Then they would post the after photographs of such events and compliment each other on the wonderful time they had together and how "Everyone" was there.  Enough!  These are grown up bullies according to the shared article.  These are just downright mean adult women that take pleasure in inflicting pain.  My son is a whimp for going along with it.  He is just as much to blame.
Some times your REAL family are those that treasure your presence, your time with them.  They look forward to spending time with you and miss you when you are not around.  So why chase after my abusers.  Makes no difference I brought them into this world.  I did the best I could do, I apologized for my failures and mistakes, they are the ones to hold a grudge, not me.
So let them go..............................

Offline shiny

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2015, 05:44:26 AM »
FF, your observation is spot on ... and agree with you one hundred percent.

However, one thing I'm still learning:  It's easier said than done.

For me, I grieved.
Mistakenly thought I was beyond that period. Not.

So, I grieve some more.
And then move on.

I give myself permission to do this and not berate myself for feeling sadness and sorrow.
Rather allow myself to grieve such a severe loss.
These times now occur less frequently and severe, though.
 
Time does make a difference. Also, changing our mindset helps (much like you've written).
Otherwise, we'll get stuck.

Grieve, grieve some more, then move on.

Hugs to you. So sorry about your situation.

Offline firefly

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2015, 05:54:47 AM »
FF, your observation is spot on ... and agree with you one hundred percent.

However, one thing I'm still learning:  It's easier said than done.

For me, I grieved.
Mistakenly thought I was beyond that period. Not.

So, I grieve some more.
And then move on.

I'm still grieving.  I have no idea how many years I will grieve over the loss of my adult son and his choices and that of his mean spirited wife and her mean spirited family.  I may grieve until the day I die.  However grieving does NOT mean I will allow my abusive son and wife back into my life just in order to see them or have a relationship with them.  I made the decision I am worthy of love and respect.  They can't seem to show me either of those things.  They are detrimental to my physical safety and mental well being.
I will probably forever grieve until there is a miracle in their hearts.
I don't think anyone should ever tell us, well it has been 1 year now and why aren't you over this yet?  There is no time limit on grief.  I think the best thing we can do is to distract our minds away from it.  Of course it always comes back and it hurts.  We aren't robots or machines.  We have emotions and feelings.  The article just personally validated for me just how wicked cruel the abuse is. They validated for me that this is indeed abuse.  When I recognized that it is abuse, why would I return to my abuser?  It is the same as when a parent visits their child in prison that has killed someone.  That parent has to recognize their child is evil.  Right now my child is evil and so is his mate he chose and her extended family.  It is up to me to protect myself from them at this time until they change.  A woman beaten by her husband should never return to him.  The same holds true with a child capable of this kind of abuse. For abuse it is.  Right now, I pray to God she never gets pregnant for I will never see the child for she will never allow it.  I pray for no more pain from them than what they have already inflicted.  It is enough.
Grieve as long as you need.  Hugs to all on here.
I give myself permission to do this and not berate myself for feeling sadness and sorrow.
Rather allow myself to grieve such a severe loss.
These times now occur less frequently and severe, though.
 
Time does make a difference. Also, changing our mindset helps (much like you've written).
Otherwise, we'll get stuck.

Grieve, grieve some more, then move on.

Hugs to you. So sorry about your situation.

Offline Pen

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2015, 11:24:44 AM »
Wise women :)

After many years on this site I still have my bad times, too (the past couple of days have been rough)... but they are fewer now. I do not want the rest of my life to be spent wallowing in grief over something I have no control over!

As a parent I did my best & loved my kids unconditionally. If my AC don't recognize that, oh well. Occasionally grief catches up with me & I shed a tear or two. Movin' on, loving my DH, and staying off FB when I'm too fragile to handle it.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline firefly

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2015, 11:54:11 AM »
This is something you never get over.  We will always grieve.  Of course we can make friendships, move on, make a life for ourselves, but you never get over the grief of losing an adult child or adult children.
We need to cut ourselves some slack and say it is o.k. to cry, it is o.k. to grieve.
I think the point it becomes harmful is when we blame ourselves if we did everything in our power to make things right.  If we have a clear conscience.
We have to protect our spirits from these type of wounds or it can cause physical illness, disease and even death.  So you do have to say, "No to abuse and protect your self."
"NO, I will not let you hurt me any more."
It is a lonely road.
There is power in numbers and power in unity.  This forum offers those things.  The power to recognize, "I was, am a good mother, there is something wrong with them!"  When you see that in numbers in this forum it is liberating.
See there is nothing wrong with you, there are so many of us here!  There is something terribly wrong with out adult children!

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Ostracized and Alienation
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2015, 03:59:50 PM »
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you

I am "getting over" being ostracized last weekend and feeling more physical pain this week and was gladdened to read this is part of being ostracized. Also the process of healing is reassuring.

Women's brains are wired for interdependence so being ostracized is especially painful. Men's brains are wired for independence, so perhaps they don't care or notice it as much -- but they do know how to use it to hurt someone.