Author Topic: Daughter In Law  (Read 3094 times)

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Offline firefly

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Daughter In Law
« on: September 24, 2015, 04:00:56 PM »
I have what I would consider a unique problem, maybe, maybe not.  My daughter in law is very close to her mother.  That is wonderful.  I think that is wonderful.  The problem?  The two of them are united in their hatred of me.  They live in the same town as my husband and I.  My son after he married her has moved into her parent's house.  Should I even say her parent's house?  Why?  Because they bought a house they KNEW they could NOT afford, even plastered that fact all over Facebook for the entire family to read and then bragged about how it was going to be alright because my son would pay the bills for them.  My son would make it so they can live in a house they could not afford. 
So the alienation began the minute my son and his wife moved into her parent's house, or should I say my son's house?  We were never invited over.  Recently her mother UNFRIENDED me on Facebook.  I thought it was some kind of hiccup in the system.  So I sent her a friend request.  For months it was ignored.  So I sent a private message asking my daughter in law why her mother had unfriended me on Facebook.  I got a reply that stated, "My mother is an adult and she can unfriend who ever she wants to unfriend."
Wow!
I responded that she had hurt me very deeply.  Haven't seen hide nor hair of her, much less any communication since then.  Before this happened I messaged her telling her we had a Birthday present for her waiting for her to pick up at our home.  She said she was "too busy" to come and pick it up.  That was months ago and she plasters all over Facebook family get together, events that we are left out in the cold.  She has been all over town, plastered it all over Facebook and ignored our home and our Birthday gift for her.
So I unfriended and blocked her and her mother today to protect my heart.  Even though her mother had unfriended me I could still see all the invites going on for family events that we were deliberately being left out of, shunned and alienated.  It just hurt too much so in order NOT to be able to see or read it I blocked them today.  I just couldn't take the pain any more.  I am having heart trouble and I don't need the stress.
Now get this.  They live in the same house and yet the mother and daughter would take turns going to the computer in their house to post on each other's facebook page all the family events going on that we were left out of just so I could read it.  They didn't need to communicate this because they were standing by each other's side there in the house doing this!
So I have been alienated from my son.  But I hold him responsible too.  Apparently he does not want to have anything to do with his own mother, me.
You know, no one prepares you for this when you give child birth and you hold that tiny precious baby in your arms for the first time.  You devote your whole life to love, nurturing and then this is the swift kick in the butt you get when they meet some mean nasty girl.
So there are three of them, the daughter in law's mother, and her older sister and of course the daughter in law being nasty to me.  I call them the "mean girls club."
Sigh.................boy what a heart ache.
They only live 15 minutes away from us but we are never seen, called, nothing. 
So I have resigned myself to the fact and trying to let go.  I join the ranks of the broken hearted and wondering what in the world happened.
So then I have been helping my daughter and her husband for years.  Financially and with my time.  When I got sick she tells me, "I don't want to take care of you, I will feel trapped.  I don't want to have to take care of you."  Another swift kick in the butt.
If I am lucky my heart will take me out quick, instantaneously and I won't have to be a burden to a family that I devoted my time to that does NOT want to care for me.
Life just hurts right now. 

Offline Things happens

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2015, 05:46:06 PM »
Hi,

Welcome to the boards, I am so sorry for what you are going through, not only your son but your daughter. You are right he is a grown man and is allowing this to happen. As far as his wife and family they are just immature and now that they are no longer your friends on FB they can't control your feelings at their whim. It is hard to move on, but you need to do what is best for you and what makes you happy. Do things with your friends, or if you have nieces and nephews make contact with them, see if they would like to get together. And just take one day at a time, and do what is best for you. And please take care of yourself.

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K. Your post has been edited because there are so many beliefs experienced on our Website that our Forum Agreement asks each of us to refrain from sharing them. For every person who holds a specific belief whether it is in karma or organized religion, there is a person who believes otherwise. To avoid debate, we don't write our beliefs. This Forum is privately owned and funded and reflects the wishes of the owner to respect everyone. You are being asked also to choose another user name that doesn't represent your belief.


 
« Last Edit: September 24, 2015, 10:27:19 PM by luise.volta »

Offline firefly

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2015, 07:17:38 PM »
You are kind and thoughtful to take the time to answer me.  Thank you.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2015, 10:34:49 PM »
I agree that the only choice you have is the one you are making, to give yourself the respect you deserve. Your DIL and her mother are how they are. What what they do and say probably makes sense to them. I sure wouldn't make any sense to me! As soon as you can, find the many other options that are available to you. The hurt you feel is understandable but/and it is playing right into their hands to let it take you down. Sending hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline firefly

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2015, 04:38:50 AM »
I notified my son through an email that I am having heart problems.  No response, nothing.  The sad inexplicable feeling of realizing they would be glad if I dropped dead overwhelmed me.  He and his sister made jokes and laughed at his Grand Mother's funeral with their significant others!  I never saw one tear shed for her.
I also witnessed no respect for her.
Both of my children have fallen into the wrong crowd and consider them and their families THEIR family now and we are forgotten.
So yes Luise when you typed "Playing right into their hands to let it take you down."  Oh yes, that is what they want.  They want me dead and gone.
You are right.  I must make a life for myself outside of them and move on.
I should have realized the warning signals when my daughter in law told me during the funeral, "Everyone feels like YOU are just like Nana and we don't feel comfortable around you."  I looked at her and told her, "If you think me like Nana then you just paid me the highest compliment any person could have and if I could be half the woman she was I consider that a good thing and not a bad."
Nana, my beloved MIL and I were close.  She was old school.  Meaning you court, you date, you get married, you honor your beliefs in all you do, you work hard.  Nana did not approve of my DS shacking up with his fiancé for 7 years.  She did not approve of him getting drunk with his fiancé and her family like to get falling down drunk.  One of the worthless brothers he pays his bills for smokes pot and can't hold down a job and lives in the shed in their backyard.  So no, I did not make them feel comfortable in their behavior and they hate me for it.  Truth be told when my son's money or good fortune runs out, so will all of them one day for he is caring and feeding all of them.  Did I want that for my son?  No.  He has and was born with serious, very serious lung problems and they smoke around him.  Yes he and my daughter fell into a bad crowd and never grew up.  Now they are in their thirties and still act like they are 15 years old. 
« Last Edit: September 25, 2015, 10:38:43 AM by luise.volta »

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2015, 05:45:16 AM »
Firefly it sounds like you are heading toward the same realization I had.  I will never forget how liberating it was.  Suddenly the entire issue just fell into place and it all stopped bothering me.  What was that realization?  It was purely and simply that I no longer enjoyed my DS's company!!  I do not know where the young man I raised went but he was gone and had been replaced by someone I no longer knew and honestly I did not want to know.  Those strings that he had been using to hurt me broke and I could finally rule my heart again.  I still keep in touch with him but he no longer has the power to rule my feelings, I took that back!

So the question I have for you is why do you want to spend time with people who live lives of which you so obviously disapprove?  Do you really want them to "take care of you" and possibly order you around if you get feeble?  Yes I know that you took care of them and they owe you but do you really want them to repay that debt?  I would not want them anywhere close to me!!  The way they do not have any respect for you or your values should make you think long and hard about turning over the controls of your life to them. 

So where do you go from here?  You go out and live your life!!  Go have some fun!  Happy people attract happy people and honestly being happy is a great way to get on your children's nerves!  HeHeHe!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Pooh

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2015, 07:30:30 AM »
Welcome Firefly.  I think we have the same DIL and her Mother, and DS.

You made the right step.  I did the same thing when my DIL unfriended me.  I got tired of seeing the stuff from her and her Mother (because I was friends with her Mother still), so I unfriended her Mother.  To me, it was like picking a scab off a wound and never letting it heal.  I put on a permanent Band-Aid and guess what?  I started healing.

Still said the exact same thing I had to realize.  Did I really even want to be around these people?  The answer was to take out the emotional equation and think of them as strangers and ask myself, "Would you be friends with these people and go out of your way for them if you had not given birth to them?  The answer was no, I would have cut ties a long time ago.

Take baby steps and start enjoying life.  Surround yourself with people who do want to be around you and you will start healing.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline firefly

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2015, 08:35:03 AM »
Firefly it sounds like you are heading toward the same realization I had.  I will never forget how liberating it was.  Suddenly the entire issue just fell into place and it all stopped bothering me.  What was that realization?  It was purely and simply that I no longer enjoyed my DS's company!!  I do not know where the young man I raised went but he was gone and had been replaced by someone I no longer knew and honestly I did not want to know.  Those strings that he had been using to hurt me broke and I could finally rule my heart again.  I still keep in touch with him but he no longer has the power to rule my feelings, I took that back!

So the question I have for you is why do you want to spend time with people who live lives of which you so obviously disapprove?  Do you really want them to "take care of you" and possibly order you around if you get feeble?  Yes I know that you took care of them and they owe you but do you really want them to repay that debt?  I would not want them anywhere close to me!!  The way they do not have any respect for you or your values should make you think long and hard about turning over the controls of your life to them. 

So where do you go from here?  You go out and live your life!!  Go have some fun!  Happy people attract happy people and honestly being happy is a great way to get on your children's nerves!  HeHeHe!!
    Oh my!  The light bulb has finally gone off inside my head!  YES, of course you are right!!  They curse at me, they don't respect me, they try to order me around as if I am the child, why in the world would I want ANY of them to take care of me when I am sick and feeble?  I must be out of my mind!  I expected them to give me the same care, consideration, respect and love I gave them as a mother, but it is NOT returned.  I don't enjoy their filthy movies.  I don't enjoy their cursing.  I realized through your writings I have nothing in common with them and they have nothing in common with me.  If I had not given birth to them I would not choose to hang around them or their group of friends.  It is not that I think I am better than them.  I don't want to come off sounding arrogant but we are like dark and light and the two are not mixing together.  For example one day while my DS and his fiancé came home from work, it was Christmas time and I was playing the Tchaikovsky -Dance Of The Sugarplum Fairy.  All of a sudden my then future DIL slammed the door to her bedroom and told me she was and I quote her here, "Tired of my music!"  Then my DS came home and did the same exact thing.  He said he was sick and tired of my music.  These are just some examples of the disrespect I had to endure while they lived with us.  My DS was living with us because he had a serious operation where he nearly died and due to his health and finances he moved in with us.  He told me he was bringing "her" whether I liked it or not.  I look back on all this now and wonder, "Where was my back bone?"  Why did I let him emotionally black mail me into a situation that goes against everything I stand for?  Because he nearly died.  I nearly lost him.  She disrespected me and my home the entire time.  So yes, the light bulb has gone off and I am now saying inside myself, "I don't like the person my children have become.  They are mean and nasty to me, disrespectful, ungrateful for all my sacrifices and I don't enjoy their company!"  So now whey do I feel so guilty for feeling this way?  I don't want to be around them, and I don't want to live with them in the condition they are in spiritually.  I would rather be alone with my husband.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2015, 09:28:56 AM by Pooh »

Offline firefly

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2015, 08:49:03 AM »
Welcome Firefly.  I think we have the same DIL and her Mother, and DS.

You made the right step.  I did the same thing when my DIL unfriended me.  I got tired of seeing the stuff from her and her Mother (because I was friends with her Mother still), so I unfriended her Mother.  To me, it was like picking a scab off a wound and never letting it heal.  I put on a permanent Band-Aid and guess what?  I started healing.

Still said the exact same thing I had to realize.  Did I really even want to be around these people?  The answer was to take out the emotional equation and think of them as strangers and ask myself, "Would you be friends with these people and go out of your way for them if you had not given birth to them?  The answer was no, I would have cut ties a long time ago.

You know for months My husband has it all figured out way before I did.  It took coming to this site and reading ALL of your postings on here to realize you and my husband were and ARE right in this.  My husband used to tell me constantly, "I don't want to be invited to their home!  I don't want to hang around these people!  I don't like them.  They are trash, act like trash and are using my son, taking him for every penny he has got.  He has no self esteem due to his health issues and the way he grew up constantly in the hospital so he can't even see they are just using him financially and don't love him."  I always asked my husband, "Why don't you confront your son and tell him the truth?"  He would always respond, "He will hate me for it, no he has to find out for himself."  He would also include  to me that when a man loves a woman he can't see anything wrong with her.  He is confident my son will grow tired and weary of the situation and with time his eyes will be opened.
So you and my husband were right all along.  I felt hurt from the ostracizing and the alienation, the snubbing the nasty snide comments.  It reminds me of the back in high school trying to fit in with the popular girls and they just won't let you in.  Then you have to ask yourself, "Why do I want to belong?  Why do I want to fit in?"  Well I think we all know the answer to that.  Love.  We all want to be loved.  Especially by family.  For goodness sakes we didn't give birth, raise and nurture a human being just for them to turn around and hate us, desert and abuse us.  But sadly that is the way some families turn out.  So with sadness I turn away from them.
But like you write it is also a freeing experience.  I have friends that think the world of me and I am of them.  We treasure each other's time together and friendship.  Where I am a burden to my parts of my immediate family and just a duty and obligation and their spouse feels the same  I am someone else's treasure and they can't wait to spend time with me and see me and vice versa!
I have such friendships.
My daughter bless her heart she is miserable all the time.  She is suffering the consequences of her actions and she is absolutely miserable.  It gives me no pleasure to talk to her because there is nothing I can do.   

They will have to find out the hard way just like I did.  No one could tell me anything either.  But I will tell all of you this.  Never did I curse my mother or father.  Never did I hate my mother or father and tell them so.  Some of these young people today think it is their right to hate and curse their parents.  I have never said the things to my parents that I have heard uttered out of the mouths of my children.

Take baby steps and start enjoying life.  Surround yourself with people who do want to be around you and you will start healing.
« Last Edit: September 25, 2015, 09:31:10 AM by Pooh »

Offline Pooh

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2015, 09:34:20 AM »
Firefly, I edited your posts some.  We don't allow curse words or symbols representing that we can figure out.  We also don't allow people to post about their spiritual beliefs.  We have a membership made up of many beliefs here, and we respect them all by not allowing anyone to post specifically about their own.  We outline those rules in the "Open Me First" posts.

Concentrate on those friendships with those that cherish you.  Whatever you focus on expands and whatever you give little thought to, will fade.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2015, 10:51:44 AM »
Turning a corner isn't easy. Neither is letting go of the familiar and our very simple and reasonable expectations. It takes courage and self respect. Most of us here think that support and understanding help...that's why we're here for you...and we are living proof that there is life beyond parenting!

Take a deep breath and know that you are no longer alone with this. And as Pooh just suggested, reread our Forum Agreement when you get a chance. You will find it by going to our HomePage. It's the foundation of WWU. Hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Things happens

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2015, 05:47:39 PM »
FireFly,

Sounds like you are ready to take a step in the right direction. Just take one day at a time and focus on you and hubby and what makes you happy. Because in the end, only you can make yourself happy.


Pooh & Luise, sorry about my slip up

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2015, 06:07:35 PM »
K,. all is well. Just follow up with another user name, please. And then let us know it's you!  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Things happens

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2015, 08:40:02 PM »
Just checking to see if it switched to Things Happen

Offline Pen

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Re: Daughter In Law
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2015, 09:35:11 PM »
I, too, have to deal with my DS joining his DIL's FOO and leaving us more or less in the dust. It hurts! I don't want to see all their big fun on FB either. Yuck!

Unfortunately we cannot change them...we can only change our reactions to them. Still working on it, getting better one step at a time thanks to this site.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb