Author Topic: Am I being the Unfair One?  (Read 1778 times)

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Offline fawnsweet

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Am I being the Unfair One?
« on: September 24, 2015, 03:15:55 PM »
Hello,
I am the Daughter in Law, posting about a situation that I find unfair but am not sure if it's because I'm over reacting or because it truly is unfair.

DH and I are both from different countries but are citizens of the US and have been here long enough to pretty Americanized. We got married a month ago.  :-*

I am only child and my parents live here in the US ( same city as me and DH). DH's family lives overseas. They came in before the wedding and have now been here over a month ( living with us). And I'm so over it. Did I mention, its been Over a month and we just got married?
I'm glad DH got to be with his family ( since they live so far away) and it makes more sense financially to stay a while when you spend so much on plane tickets but still. DH was so overjoyed to see his family, he's all for it.

 Background: MIL is overall pleasant. She likes to organize my kitchen, likes to tell me how to organize our home, do and organize our laundry and how to clean the garage. I had the option of letting it upset me but I chose the high road and smiled and nodded and thanked her for the suggestions and for the help. MY SIL is 22 and is highly self absorbed. My MIL lets her daughter have her way and caters to her all the time. The SIL basically decided she was going to stay in our home another month ( while MIL flew back home) and the MIL decided that would be just fine and that she would pay for another plane ticket to fly her daughter back home a month later. We were out eating at a restaurant when I found this out from my SIL and was pretty shocked to last the least. I strongly discouraged it.  DH supported me but I felt he should have been the one to address it and say no. I can tell he feels guilty about leaving his mom ( who's a widow) and his sister back home and move to the states and doesn't want to say no to them.
I was livid on the inside for my SIL to even mention such a thing and for my MIL to even condone  or pretend to be a decision maker in that. Its our home. We should be the ones doing all the inviting and asking people to stay with us longer, if we so choose.
 
As a newly wed, I would like to spend some time with my husband before turning our house into a hotel. We haven't had the house to ourselves since they landed which has been 6 weeks ago, before we were even married.
 Also, as an only child who has had her own place for several years before moving in with DH and getting married in our 30's, I just cant seem to find justification to accommodate people in my personal space for a month at a time.  I have expressed to him how I feel and he tells me to be patient and that this is probably something we should get used to ( month long visits from overseas family). He said If we were to ever move overseas, it would be my parents coming to visit us for month long visit and that would be completely appropriate. Putting them in a hotel seems harsh to him since we have a guestroom.
I cant resonate with that and going forward, what's the appropriate time frame for them to spend in our house as overseas guests? I don't want to be a mean DIL  but I don't want to give up my husband, my home, my life for a month at a time when they visit again. Thoughts?

Offline firefly

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2015, 04:17:00 PM »
I don't think you are being a mean daughter in law.  You are a newly wed.  You need time alone with your husband.  They are being insensitive.
Your husband has been put in a difficult position as he does not want to hurt his mother and put her in a hotel/motel.
They forced themselves on you without even asking.  Honestly I don't know what you should do.  You should be on your honey moon, NOT entertaining family!

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2015, 04:34:40 PM »
Welcome, F. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

It sounds to me like the two of you have different customs that don't mesh. It probably wasn't possible to talk them all out and figure what kind of compromises were necessary ahead of time. I am not an only child but I need my own space when I go someplace and also when someone comes to see me. Even when I went to Hawaii to visit my son and his wife, I found a place of my own online. We had many wonderful adventures...but we weren't in each others pockets. I'm lucky that it works for them, as well. When they come here...they do the same thing and it gives all of us our freedome. We are very close...it just works best to respect each others privacy and routines.

I have another DIL that loves to have people come and stay as long as they can and she's sad when they leave. She's wonderful and when I go there...I find my own place. My comfort matters and she is fine with that.

In your place I would insist that if my home was the family hotel due to customs strange to me and that worked for my husband...I would be staying someplace else...because that's my custom. He gets to be who and how he is...but so do you. Many will probably disagree with me, but that's my take.

My view is that it is your home. Invitations should come from you with no pressure to follow other people's customs. You are adults and are establishing your own rules. You have that right. Hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Things happens

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2015, 05:26:30 PM »
Hi,

And welcome, I don't think that you are being unfair at all. You are a newlywed and want to be able to act accordingly so. You don't say what culture your husband is from but, that has a lot to do with what the customs are etc.  In now way should our SIL be staying with you another month, you might delicately explain to your MIL that while you appreciated the help that you are now well adjusted to be the wife that her son deserves and that you want to go it alone.

As far as the month long visit I would expect them, only because it is such an expense. But I would tell hubby that it's a month and that is it, or you can always alternate visits you visit them, they visit you. Good Luck with your Marriage, it is such an exciting time.

Offline fawnsweet

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2015, 07:04:53 AM »
Thank you everyone for your wise words and counsel.
I will proceed with Love and Wisdom and Patience. lol! my lessons are starting early  8)

Thank you again!

Offline Pooh

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2015, 07:22:44 AM »
Welcome.  No, you are not being unfair at all.  Shewwww....I would be going mad!  I will say, that although I wouldn't do it, I do see when a family lives overseas or very far away, that staying in a family member's home is probably much more economical.  I do allow my DIL and DS to stay with us when they come in for 2-3 weeks (he's military), so I can't "fault" your DH for wanting that.  And yes, as much as I love and get along with my DIL and DS, I am more than ready for them to leave towards the end!

As far as SIL staying another month...that to me is just rude at this point to not ask and discuss it with you.  Just make sure that you are upset at the right people though, at the same time.  I would be very upset with my DH for not discussing it with me and just going along.  He is giving them permission and putting you in a rough spot.  Was it rude of your MIL to come in and take over your house?  Absolutely.  Was it rude of your SIL to stay another month without asking?  Absolutely.  But unless you and DH can get on the same page regarding visits, it sounds like you will be dealing with this again.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Pen

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2015, 09:05:34 PM »
Welcome, FS.

I have nothing to add. You sound like a Wise Woman already!

BTW, I love having DILs on the site. We learn from all of you, too.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline fawnsweet

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2015, 09:49:51 AM »
Thank you everyone for your warm welcome and your wise input.
They are finally gone and we just had our first weekend together, alone, as husband and wife.
I wont tell you it was Fireworks and hanging from chandeliers lol because it wasn't.

It was sweet and down to earth and comfortable and homey and loving and quiet and enjoyed by both of us in the privacy of our home... lots of smiles, hugs and just relaxed living.

I don't have to tell you all what a blessing it is to be comfortable and content in your own space.
We are finally there.

Thanks everyone! :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Am I being the Unfair One?
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2015, 06:52:19 PM »
Totally and completely wonderful!  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher