Author Topic: shot down again  (Read 2076 times)

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Offline gettingoldandcranky

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shot down again
« on: April 18, 2015, 07:48:46 AM »
dil was going under anesthesia for something that was not shared with us - personal, not our business.  son asked if i would come and babysit - just an hour or so.  her mom was going w/her and ds was working.
when they come for easter, son tells me they don't want me to come now.  dil feels like she needs to entertain me and i would want to hang around too long.  i called son on this, saying this hurts me, but i understand if she will not feel well that she would not want me around.
then, when they leave to go home, i wish dil luck with procedure, and she says thanks for offering to help, but kids are used to babysitter and that would be better for them.
told ds that i was hurt and wanted to discuss this.  he never called until today, 2 wks later. 
i brought it up and he's telling me that i am changing how it happened and he doesn't understand why i am upset again.
he says i am welcome to visit anytime but i always feel stressed and exhausted with dil doing her fake happy that u're here, but happier when u leave.
wish i could stop contacting ds.  can't seem to let him go - i keep poking and getting hurt.
i don't deserve this treatment but keep asking for it. 
just unnecessarily hard

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2015, 02:08:24 PM »
I am sorry, this sounds very stressful. You never know which way the wind is going to blow, do you? At this point, what do you want to do? Keep poking -- and I'd say stop that and protect yourself instead. Go low contact and learn to detach? 

That is what I am doing now, more detachment and trying to focus on myself. Not expecting anything different from how they have been in the past nor expecting them to be nice or care about me. Meaning don't expect my AC to be different or conform to how I wish they were.

Offline Kate

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2015, 04:49:03 AM »
It is very difficult when you childs spouse doesn't want you around, and even more so when your child won't defend you. You have spent a lifetime caring for others. It's time to get just a little selfish and care for yourself.  It won't change their attitude, but you may come to value yourself more, and be less inclined to put up with their nonsense. Good luck.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2015, 06:24:05 AM »
It is very difficult when you childs spouse doesn't want you around, and even more so when your child won't defend you. You have spent a lifetime caring for others. It's time to get just a little selfish and care for yourself.  It won't change their attitude, but you may come to value yourself more, and be less inclined to put up with their nonsense. Good luck.

Very true...   I pulled back from my son for the very same reason... I didn't contact him for nearly a year... and lo and behold..  NOW he contacts me and makes an effort to keep me in his and his kids lives.   Sometimes we have to stop chasing and let them see what they have lost, before they appreciate what they have.    Keep in mind.. you will never be allowed to be the same as your DILs family when it comes to the kids..  It's something I had to learn to accept..  Once you get yourself to realize things are not as they should be.... but are what they are.. you will be on the road to healing.

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2015, 07:40:10 AM »
thanks to all for the replies.
know that i have to accept what is - very hard.  when there is contact, it is so stressful. certainly want to spend time w/the babies.  wish the parents were not there to complain that i am breathing the wrong way  ;)   

Offline Lillycache

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2015, 08:21:05 AM »
What's that old saying about beating one's head against a wall... because it feels so good when you stop..    AND.. it DOES feel good to stop. 

Offline shiny

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2015, 09:53:52 AM »
And the wise counsel continues on ...

Thanks, all you WWU, b/c I need these reminders every so often, even though I'm nowhere near that "head-beating wall" any longer!

Offline jdtm

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2015, 12:34:53 PM »
We had much the same situation with our son's first wife.  She did not like us nor did she want us in her/their life (but we were "handy" when it came to babysitting).  I, too, tried to make things right.  It did not work; the harder I tried, the more distant the relationship until she refused to speak or even acknowledge our existence.  Our son became "almost" estranged from us.

Later, I found out that our son was under tremendous stress - trying to appease his parents and also trying to keep peace in his home.  It is quite possible that if you feel "stressed and exhausted" while visiting their home, your son probably feels that way most of the time.  My husband and I found it much better to not speak of anything negative; in fact, not even mention "her" unless our son brought up the topic (which was rare).  I wish we had known earlier that by not mentioning "her", it gave him a "soft place to fall".  He, too, would remember things differently and we would be accused of forgetting or changing "how it really was".  Actually, our son was brainwashed by a wife with mental health and substance abuse issues - we were so out of our league.

I hope your situation is not as precarious as ours; however, you did find your way here.  Often, we are dealing with situations beyond our realm of knowledge or prior experience or as Luise says - "one cannot make sense out of the senseless".  I know you do not deserve this treatment - so sorry ....


Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2015, 02:44:07 PM »
jdtm -  funny now that u mention- last time i tried to talk w/DS he said he always felt that we were his "safe place"
guess i didn't think of his meaning.  thanks for the perspective and perfect choice of words

Offline dogmusic

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #9 on: April 21, 2015, 03:11:24 AM »
I'm too raw myself to offer advice but sending you the warmest wishes for some peace of mind.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: shot down again
« Reply #10 on: April 21, 2015, 05:01:25 AM »
jdtm -  funny now that u mention- last time i tried to talk w/DS he said he always felt that we were his "safe place"
guess i didn't think of his meaning.  thanks for the perspective and perfect choice of words

Yes...  I believe that is true for my son too, as her name is never brought up nor anything about her discussed.  I know it's hardly wedded bliss at their house..   I also know that the kids are what keeps him there.  I have to applaud him for that.. but having been subjected to parental chaos as a child myself... I wonder what's worse.  Seeing that, or having parents divorce.  Anyway, it's not my decision to make.  It's his  and it will happen when it is meant to.