Author Topic: Intuition confirmed!  (Read 6788 times)

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Offline Pen

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Intuition confirmed!
« on: December 11, 2014, 08:51:54 AM »
DS just told me that DIL cannot like us because she sees us in competition with her FOO.

Many of you suggested that very thing on the site through the years, but it seemed far-fetched to me since DIL's FOO is wealthy, provides goodies and experiences beyond what we can do, spends much more time w/DS & DIL than we do, etc. etc. DH & I know we can't ever compete, so we've kept a low profile. However, something has always felt "off" to me. DH said it was just me being a typical jealous MIL and nothing was really wrong, so I tried to let it go.

DS essentially said that DIL wants her FOO to be first in DS's life and for his FOO to fade away...and it annoys her that DS insists on keeping up a relationship with us. Although I'm glad to have my intuition validated, it makes me sad. I guess I had still hoped that as DIL grew more secure in her marriage, and more comfortable with us, she'd see that we were just nice people who weren't into playing possessive games or inflaming drama.

This knowledge won't change the way we treat DIL. We will continue to be our nice, accepting selves and ignore her sometimes rude treatment of us. I think we'll be more relaxed around her, actually  ;) DS told us to not worry about spending a lot on her for Christmas (that's how this whole conversation got started in the first place; I asked him for gift suggestions.) He also said that her FOO gave him & their other SIL generic, cheap gifts every year so there was no reason to go out of our way to get something thoughtful for DIL! We'll give her a lovely gift, but not go overboard.

So we'll save a little time & money...not a problem! Right now I'm just glad that at this moment DS loves us & wants to maintain a relationship with us. And I'm not delusional. Whew!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2014, 09:55:31 AM »
P - My experience of you is that you don't have a jealous bone in your body. What you have described here has been dismay and hurt. Your expectations were just those of continuity and mutual respect...like most of us on WWU. Our adult children call in their own life lessons and it is, or at least it was for me, a tough job to get that. They either have to shift loyalty or triangulate. That's a lose/lose. We needed to help with their early lessons...and never dreamed we might one day inadvertently become 'the problem'. One they have to work though on their own. Sending huge hugs...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2014, 09:17:13 AM »
It sounds weird to say "Congratulations!" but that's actually how I felt reading your post.  I think those of us here that have gone through your similar situation of not really doing anything majorly wrong, secretly long for an answer.  Although we know better than to ask the why because many times there just isn't one, getting a confirmation that you truly haven't done anything wrong and it's just the other person's irrational thinking process, feels good.

I'm very glad your DS is choosing to remain in your lives.  That confirmation and his words that DIL doesn't like him continuing his relationship with your family, means he really is standing up to her in his own way by continuing the relationship.  I know she is his choice, but bless him...it must be difficult on him to have to stand up to her.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Sarah

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2014, 03:53:56 AM »
I'm glad you feel your intuition was confirmed, but I have to say, it bothers me to hear a husband talking about his wife like that.  She is his wife and he should be supporting her, not tearing her down like that.  They have to work out their problems together.  He needs to be talking to her about that situation and something like that should be kept private between husband and wife.  It sounds like they need to see a marriage counselor to both work on their issues.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2014, 07:06:17 AM »
Sarah, it seems to me that years of thinking you are delusional while the DIL and DS work on things is long enough.  Congrats Penn on the confirmation that it was not all in your head for all those years!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline Lillycache

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2014, 08:06:56 AM »
I offer my congrats also..   I know how it feels to be kept wondering.   You know something is wrong, but no one will tell you. I've been through all that.  It makes you crazy trying to figure out what you did or said.. and the horrible feeling of walking on eggs, but not knowing what the rules were.   It's a relief when it all comes out and you learn that you aren't the crazy one. 

Offline Pen

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2014, 08:31:47 AM »
I appreciate your comments, everyone.

Sarah, I actually agree with you! That's why we refused to butt in & sent DS back home to work it out with her years ago when he came to us ranting about DIL's FOO's shunning of us (see past posts.)

I simply think DS is sick & tired of it & felt we finally deserved an explanation after years of staying out of the drama & believing things had improved. He has watched silently while we treat her with respect and kindness only to be dismissed by her. He knows money is tight  for us right now & didn't want us going all out, year after year, for someone who didn't appreciate (or want) our gifts.

He didn't really tear her down, he just let us know that that's how she is & to not expect more. I told him we loved them both, admired their accomplishments, and hoped that in the future she'd understand we weren't part of any competition.

They do have things to work on, but in the meantime I'm glad (sort of) to know for certain where we stand.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Monroe

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2014, 10:42:07 PM »
Pen, you are an absolute saint to cope with this all this time - with grace - and still be able to tell your son that you "love them BOTH".  Frankly, I don't think I could stand to be in the same room with your DIL.  My hat is off to you.  You have lost nothing.  A relationship with a DIL like that is not worth having.  But you are a saint.  It strikes me that the really sad thing is your son having to put up with that kind of selfishness and immaturity in his life partner.  I don't think I could possibly be happy if my spouse were so insecure and jealous. 

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2015, 02:46:09 PM »
My opinion is that it is better to talk about things honestly than to keep pretending. So what your son said to you is the best thing, I think, to clear the air with you. The truth is the truth and now that you know, you can act accordingly and let go of any anxiety or expectations that she will be more friendly. Better to know the truth than to be lied to.  DIL may come from a narcissistic family where she is never good enough and the pressure to be mom or dads "lackey" is intense. I know many adult children who are expected to be tied to the FOO forever and above the spouse or the in-laws and even their own babies. If you don't feel loved or good enough by mom or dad, you can end up constantly trying to earn mom or dad's affection as an adult. Many narcissistic families set things up this way so that the adult children are constantly paying attention to mom and/or dad.

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #9 on: April 16, 2015, 06:03:44 PM »
Even though this had to be painful to hear, i think it would be better than constantly trying to figure out what is wrong.  i get hurt every time we spend time w/DS and DIL but have to bear it to see the grands.
Think we are having a nice time and something always goes wrong - or she manages to get in a zinger to keep us in our place.
The idea of a sit down talk is kinda a waste - don't feel that DIL would be honest in her dislike of us.  The truth might just be nice.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2015, 04:50:11 AM »
I consider myself lucky in that I have not had to deal with this nonsense for going on 5 years now.  That's how long it's been since I last spoke to my son's wife.  (notice I will no longer give her the title of DIL).   I am also blessed that I have a son who has kept me in his life by bringing the Grands to see me and to celebrate holidays.  They were with me at Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve and on Easter.   He has also recently brought up the idea of my husband and I going with him and the kids on an outing to the zoo.. which will be very nice.    I know that this solution wouldn't work out for everyone, but for our family it has worked very well.  I am not pivey to the dynamics between him and his wife, nor do I wish to be, so I  have never asked him how she feels about it. In fact, she is never brought up.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2015, 06:04:37 PM »
I often marvel at all of the different dynamics that play out in families...some are funny. An example is my DS, Our Webmaster, Kirk, and his wonderful S. O. of 20 years. They seldom come to see me together. Why? Because they each want to have me all to his/her self! LOL! I don't care, as long as I get to see them! :D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline artlady

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2015, 10:03:49 AM »
Hi pooh   pen luise  it is Artlady. I've been gone for almost 3 years I guess   lost track of time . No changes worse then before . Hope you have good news   Miss you

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2015, 10:36:56 AM »
We are here, sending love to you! For me, what changed wasn't the outer situation. It was an inner shift that brought me autonomy and peace...finally. I no longer give a rip!  :D
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Intuition confirmed!
« Reply #14 on: July 13, 2015, 06:14:27 AM »
Hi pooh   pen luise  it is Artlady. I've been gone for almost 3 years I guess   lost track of time . No changes worse then before . Hope you have good news   Miss you

Hey ArtLady!  Missing you but glad to hear things are not worse!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell