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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Need to get this out

Started by shiny, June 25, 2014, 05:27:40 PM

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FAFE

For the first time in our married life my husband and I at the place that we can wake up in the morning and decide to get in the car and take a road trip, book a cruise, go half way round the world if that's where we want to go or to a 2 hour destination for the day.  We are both retired and are on a fixed income but the Good Lord has blessed us and we are able to travel while we are still able.  We never had any time to ourselves until our 3rd child went off to college.  DH had a 5 year old son who I also "married" and eventually adopted.  I do brood sometimes about being the "cast off" once in a while then I read some of the stories here and I really should not complain.  I do have pity parties every now and then, but always seem to come out on top.  We have several friends who are going thru some horrible health issues and I think that I could be in their shoes and also have friends who have elderly parents who have bad health issues as well.


luise.volta

Counting blessings, F. Good for you! I do that a lot!  :)
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

shiny

FAFE, your post encouraged me to get back on track with counting my blessings!
We acknowledge Him, as well, for all our provisions. I've been looking way too long at what I don't have and want, rather than what I do have.

herbalescapes

I don't know how you nip the jealousy in the bud, but that is what you have to do.   It sounds like your situation is bad only in comparison with how DIL's family is treated.  I can't speak for your DS and DIL, but I do know that when I was a young wife with little kids, keeping things even between both sets of grandparents didn't even make it on my top 10,000 To Do List.  I wasn't keeping score.  There could be things going on that make the situation seem perfectly fair and reasonable to DS/DIL, but you don't know about them or don't consider them.  I think of the age-old Christmas present dilemma: if you have more than one kid, do you buy them the same number of presents, or do you spend the same amount on them? Either way you do it, the kids can still see favoritism. 

Best of luck in figuring out how to accept the situation.  If you find a way, be sure to share.  Many of us might want to try it.  I'm dealing with a bit of jealousy about how some of my relatives (I think) give me the short end of the stick.

shiny

Herbal, thank you for your post -- it does help to remember the former days when we were in those circumstances!

DH and I now have more leisure time than they do -- and, if the truth be known, I should stop focusing on my family so much and divert that time/energy elsewhere. (I'm a work in progress!)

As far as the jealousy issue, I 'know' what to do, but sometimes I just let it fester and remain in my thoughts.
Some of the posts here have helped me with the issue, though, such as;

I believe Luise said: what or how others think/say/treat us is NO concern of ours. That's their problem.
And I see the wisdom of that b/c we cannot change or control someone's opinion of us.
So, if I can't do anything about it, I must let it go.
Otherwise, one of many (negative) emotions that I'm capable of owning will devour me.
It's NOT worth it.

FAFE

Shiny, my husband and I are going on a cruise on July 12th.  There's still time to book it!  We could have a lot of discussions about family or have a glass or 4 of wine!

P.S.  Montreal, Canada to Boston, MA.


All are invited.  We could throw all our problems overboard!  Or make voodoo dolls. 

shiny

F:  voodoo dolls?! This is too funny! On second thought, hmmmm.

Wish we could go -- but am now the primary caregiver for an ailing parent.

I suggest that you just throw your problems overboard and let the ocean bury them.

I'll just have to eat my problems for breakfast ...

Have a blast!

FAFE

Thanks, Shiny.  We were primary caregivers for my in-laws for many years  (they were in AL some of them, but the caretaking did not stop).  FIL passed away in 2012 and MIL last July.  So, we are free at last!