Author Topic: Maybe they are just oblivious?  (Read 6890 times)

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Offline luise.volta

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2015, 11:55:23 AM »
H, your last post activated my people-pleaser / super-critical sides and has them looking at each other dumb founded!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline jdtm

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2015, 12:30:18 PM »
I hope we choose to do things for others because of love; not obligation.  I choose to do things for others because I care for/love them; not to make them happy.  Unfortunately, the reverse is also true.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2015, 05:05:04 AM »
And after you have spent years doing for them because you love them you do kind of expect some return on the emotional down payment.  When we do not get it, even on Mother's Day, it hurts.  I guess it is kind of like having my DH stay at work all day and night on Valentines Day.  Sure he could do it but unless he had a really good reason he would not be getting any loving from me for a while!!!

In every relationship you have to put some effort in to reap the rewards.  Do not forget that you are teaching your children how they and their spouses should treat you once they are married.  These things have a habit of coming back around.
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You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline kate123

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #18 on: April 04, 2015, 06:16:44 PM »
I am not sure if I got lost in this thread, or misunderstood what others said, or what. All I meant was we spent the time with the mothers, grandmothers, whatever, because we loved them and wanted to make them happy- which made us happy. I would not want a visit if it made someone unhappy in doing it- that would probably be pretty miserable for everyone.

Offline kate123

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #19 on: April 04, 2015, 07:06:37 PM »
Something else I just thought of, if you do have young children and want to just have your own Mother's Day say, without GM's, then how is that different from any other Sunday?? Guess I am missing something in that thought.

Getting back to the original question here which I may have lost track of, I think the mother (grandmother) who gets the visit is just not going to rock the boat, she is not oblivious. She is getting what she wants and she is good with that. IMO, no one, unless they are brain dead, would not think about the other mother. Maybe for others reasons she would not ask, but oblivious? I don't think so.

Offline Elise

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2015, 11:08:27 AM »
I agree Kate

Offline Pooh

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #21 on: April 10, 2015, 07:30:15 AM »
H, your last post activated my people-pleaser / super-critical sides and has them looking at each other dumb founded!

I'm in the same boat.  I can't even correlate in my brain, how spending a few hours with your parents or in-laws, just to be nice on a couple of holidays, equates to judging and paying financial obligations that your AC make?   


We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Green Thumb

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #22 on: April 12, 2015, 06:17:56 PM »
This is a good thread and much to think about. I am going to adopt the attitude that Mother's Day or Father's Day is for people with younger kids. Since my AC often blow me off and my husband's son blows him off. Yet my DH's birth family is so dysfunctional that his MIL is doted upon for Mother's Day even though they all dislike each other and most are vying for "best loved child" award so have to fight for the love from mom that is not there. If you have younger children, their day with their mother is second to the time grandma gets and what is planned for grandma. Mom loves mom and it is very sad to see the 50+ year old AC go nuts trying to get some love from her. My husband hates going and we do sometimes and don't sometimes.

I do think it is nice to go along and participate in whatever family traditions there are but at the same time, one has to also be true to oneself and put the needs of your own young children first. My ex husband hated being dragged to his grandmother's house every Christmas morning. Open presents and hit the road for a 2 hour drive. So we stayed home every Christmas and frankly, I liked that best. It put the focus on the children. 

I think I have been too nice (mature) to my AC. The other parents in their lives all demand attention and to be kept in the spotlight. That means the others take precedence. At first I was very hurt, but have learned to accept it. I don't have it in me to demand anything but respectful behavior towards me (boundaries) and I am not willing to fight for attention from the AC. The ex has a new wife and I can see that she demands attention from my kids and they give it. Funny thing, her kids don't seem to ever be around but she is always around my kids.

Offline Pen

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2015, 09:00:55 AM »
I'm wondering why one person needs to be the "star" on Mother's Day? Why can't families get together and honor all the moms (and even potential moms, lol) on the same day if they live within reasonable travel distance?

But that doesn't happen in my family either. Our FOOs have moved far away, both DMs have passed on, so it's just us locally w/o GPs. Although we aren't more than :45 minutes away by car, DIL's DM gets it all. Mother's Day is usually just another Sunday for me (DH says "You're not my mother." Kind of a joke, but still... although one year he surprised me with a beautiful home cooked dinner.) DD is not able to plan or create a celebration since she's disabled. DS sometimes calls to wish me a happy Mother's day to which I reply, "Thanks, I couldn't have done it without you." :D

For me the difficult part is smiling and not tearing up when friends and co-workers talk about their Mother's Day celebrations, how spoiled they were, how AC & DH planned the perfect day, etc. etc. I truly am happy for them and don't want to look like Debbie Downer. Some years are easier than others, thankfully. I try to practice and strategize beforehand. All those TV commercials, you know....
 
The bottom line is, I know I was a good mom. Made a couple of mistakes here and there I'm sure. If my AC are, for whatever reason, unable or unwilling to celebrate my fabulous Mom-ness, I can celebrate myself! I see a big bunch of Costco flowers in my future, lol. Maybe a new watch...
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline jdtm

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #24 on: April 14, 2015, 05:30:06 AM »
 
Quote
I try to practice and strategize beforehand.

I also do this but as the years pass, well - the pain is not as sharp.  One thing I often do is purchase flowers and put out a Mother's Day card or two (I even have one I purchased for me from me).  Then, if anyone should drop by and ask about my Mother's Day, I can point to the flowers and card(s) - what they assume is not my concern and no one ever asks (of course the items did come from "family").  Years ago, the presence of this card and flowers seemed to "soothe" my soul - today, I don't need them as much.  But, it did give me a comfortable "out" - just in case ...  Been there ....

Offline shiny

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #25 on: April 14, 2015, 10:51:03 AM »
Jdtm, this is not a bad idea ... last Mothers Day, I didn't hear from one AC at all. The other called late in the afternoon to say hello and how busy they've been. The following week I bought a nice bracelet for myself and I like it, ha! Don't know if that was selfish on my part but it did ease the hurt a little.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #26 on: April 14, 2015, 04:21:17 PM »
My own mom, who was a bit of a rebel even though she was born in 1892..told us we could love and spoil her every time we were so inclined..but never on the commercialized day under any circumstances! :-)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #27 on: April 15, 2015, 10:42:25 AM »
This is going to sound backwards.  I do have the YS and DIL that do remember me on Mother's Day.  Usually it's delivered flowers (since they live 15 hours away) or a phone call, which I truly appreciate.  I visit my Mom and Stepmom on Saturday, because they live out of town and deliver cards and something small.  Then on the day, my DH does usually spoil me some.  That's not the backwards part.  When he goes to work in the afternoon (he works Sundays), that is the day that I drive 30 minutes to where my Grandma is buried and I clean up her grave for the Spring and put out new flowers.  I was 16 when she passed and she was a huge influence in my life.  For some reason, doing this on that day, makes me feel like I'm honoring her memory as a great Mother and Grandmother.  It's backwards because it actually makes me feel better to do it on that day.  I know.  I'm weird. :)
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #28 on: April 15, 2015, 11:02:15 AM »
I think of another word that starts with 'w'...wonderful! :-)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: Maybe they are just oblivious?
« Reply #29 on: April 15, 2015, 11:14:09 AM »
I think of another word that starts with 'w'...wonderful! :-)

And YOU are too sweet!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell