March 28, 2024, 11:33:16 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Struggling with loneliness at this time of year

Started by Cranky Pants, December 30, 2013, 10:07:35 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Cranky Pants

This Christmas was the worst one I've had in a long time......I'm no longer in touch with my son, it's been about 4 years.  We had a close relationship that overcame some incredible obstacles until he became engaged and then his bride-to-be made it clear that she would determine how high he would jump to do whatever it took to make her happy and then played that game with me too.  I declined to jump and after some major hostilities, (some of my doing in response to some passive aggressive behaviour) the relationship was severed. 

I was a single mother, and struggled to get everything done, and pay all the bills.  I thought I had done a pretty good job, and his bride-to-be once said to me "He has you on this pedestal".  I said to myself "Well, sister, I earned it".  The problem with being on a pedestal is that once you get knocked down, it's a long way down. 

I have always found Christmas the last few years to be a sad time, it seems to bring everything up to the surface, and listening to the Christmas carols (that seem to be everywhere) and watching other families was pretty tough.

CP



Stilllearning

CP you have no idea how much I dislike the way retailers have commercialized Christmas.  I have had years to build up this resentment, years in retail and delivery service where Christmas is the worst time of the year, so while everyone else was all google eyed about the holiday I was working six days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day helping sometimes angry customers.  Anyway this experience allowed me to look at Christmas a little differently than most.

December 25th is just the day after December 24th unless you have small children.  Once your children are adults there is no reason to put so much emphasis on the date.  If you look behind the hoopla you will see that it is a date when we try to make everything perfect.  The retailers picked up on that and convinced everyone that the way to make things perfect was by buying perfect gifts and getting them delivered by Dec. 25th.  According to the retailers the bigger the gift the more you love the recipient.  Get her a diamond, buy him a car, get the kids an Ipad, Iphone or whatever the big gift of the year is.  Why do we not get that this is a sales strategy?  Why do we continue to increase the amount we budget for Christmas gifts?  Why do we feel like we have failed if the day is not idyllic?

Over the past few years I have spent several holidays (including Mother's day) without my DS contacting me, no gift, no card, no call.  It hurts....alot!!  How do I handle it?  I focus on it being just another day and I plan something fun for myself to do.  I like nature so I plan hikes and canoe trips or camping trips, weather permitting.  What do you like to do?  Go to the beach? Shop? Spa? Dance? Is there a soup kitchen near you where you could volunteer?  Just plan something to make you happy.  Do not let your DS/DIL have control over whether you are happy.  You are a strong woman, strong enough to have raised your DS by yourself, strong enough to take back your happiness.  As Luise is known to say....you were whole before you had children and you can be whole again after they are gone.  Find your life.....and live it!!

Hugs!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

DixieDarling

CP, I'm sorry I somehow missed this post.  I agree with everything SL just posted.
It's been hard for me trying to figure out who I am besides a Wife and Mother. My life since age 19 has been centered on being just that. And I tried to be great at that job too.
Now that the job is done and they are all grown men I feel a little lost.
I don't know why reaching this point in life never crossed my mind? I'm sure I'm the only one.
I stayed busy raising our children and being a proud wife. I loved every minute of it too.
I'm so glad that I found the women here and the wisdom of Luise!!! Reading here has helped me to start taking baby steps in building a life after children.
My wish for us all is a new year filled with promise and joy. We've already survived the hard part so I just know we make it thru this.
CP, I am so sorry your son is treating this way. Has he spoke to you at all about his reasons? For how long? Is he your only child? Like others here I'm sending you warm thoughts and Hugzz. [/sub]

Cranky Pants

Thank you everyone for the replies, Dixie Darling, no I haven't been in touch with my son for almost 4 years now.  We had a confrontation that was caused by his bride to be and her habit of stamping her feet to get whatever she wanted, no matter the cost or trouble to anyone else.  Eventually we stopped talking.

I don't look at the Facebook pages, because his wife is the one who calls the shots and I think it's best that I don't know what she is posting.  I suspect there is a lot of hating type stuff on her page about me and I don't need to see it.  He is my only son and my only other family member is on the other side of the continent.   I've really depended on my friends to be my family for a long time and they aren't close by. 

It's been a tough year for me, I've had some serious health issues that have really worn me down, so I suspect that's why this year was agonizing.  Newme, crying on Christmas is a tough row to hoe.  I think it's so much more difficult because we are inundated by these images of people in commercials, on the TV and Facebook of so many happy people just having a wonderful time.  I found myself feeling incredibly envious of others this year, something that doesn't usually happen.

This website is wonderful and Luise and the women here are a godsend.  Thank you to you all.

Tomorrow is 2014, so I'll turn the page tomorrow, and look forward to a better year and hope everyone here has a wonderful 2014 as well.

CP 

Pooh

I'm sorry Cranky Pants.  The holidays are very rough on most because of everything you listed.  I had to make a conscious decision to take back my holidays.  They are mine to do with how I see fit.  I love the holidays and I'll be darned if I will let my OS take them from me.  I let him take too much of me for too long.

I have to share something with you and I hope it makes you smile.  I ran across a singer the other day, because she has one of the diseases I do and she put out this song called, "Grumpy Pants".  It made me think of you and guess what?  When I'm having a bad day, it makes me smile and remember that having a bad day is totally normal and that we all have them.  I hope it makes your day better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyXyefrvSLw
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

Pooh, I adopted your attitude this holiday season and had the best time! It didn't matter one bit to me if DS & DIL came over, enjoyed seeing us, or participated in any way. I went ahead w/our plans and traditions as usual. Turns out they did show up, and I think they had a good time. But even if they hadn't, we would have had a blast anyway.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

That's awesome Pen!  We had a great time too, even without them.  It's amazing to me how our own attitudes can change a situation.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

DixieDarling

So true Pooh.
It is better for us if we can get back to caring about what WE want and what WE like. Instead of making someone who is being such a pain the center of all.
My husband told me that he was sure they weren't sitting around thinking their day was ruined because we weren't in it. So why should we? That gives someone who doesn't give us a second thought way to much power.

Cranky Pants

I've decided to forget about Christmas for the time being.......I'm through it and very happy it's over.  What I would really like to do next year is get on a boat on Dec. 1, sail out into the ocean and not come back until Jan. 2nd.  I don't have the means to do that but right now that would be Plan A.

What I have done is institute Plan K&A, which stands for kindness and appreciation.  Yesterday, I tried to be kind to every person whose path that I crossed and I swear it seems to me as if the universe and other people were kind to me back.  It was a really great day, the best one I've had in a while.  The A from K&A refers to appreciation, and all day yesterday I found myself saying that I was grateful for so many little things in my day, no matter how small and insignificant they were.  Where as before I might have been frustrated and irritable about standing in line, etc., yesterday I found patience I haven't had in a long time.

I ended the day feeling so much better than I have in a long time, and I'm going to keep Plan K&A in effect for the balance of 2014.  I have 11 months until the beginning of December 1, so I'll concentrate on making those months full of kindness to others and gratitude for everything in my life and deal with another Christmas down the road.

Kate

Brilliant plan CP! It is good to hear that you have a plan of action. Kindness and appreciation towards others is a great way to bring positivity into your life. 

elsieshaye

This year, a friend invited me about a month in advance to stay at her place for Christmas.  Haven't spent a holiday with DS in several years, and he lives a few hundred miles away, so didn't even think twice before saying yes.  Found out through the grapevine that he was going to be visiting me over Christmas.  He hadn't actually talked to me about it at all.  Briefly debated letting him come up, only to find me not at home, but then decided that was more of a consequence than I could really live with (since it's winter, and he can't afford a hotel).  I emailed him and let him know "a little bird" told me about his plans, and how I'd be sorry to miss him because I was going to be out of town for a few days, but hoped he'd have fun with his friends and I'd hopefully see him another time.  Apparently, he was only coming up to see me, so didn't make the trip (as far as I know - entirely possible he was lying to me for effect and still came up - not my concern either way).  We had a pleasant exchange of a few emails, and then I went to have fun.  Didn't actually think of him beyond sending him a "Merry Christmas" text the day of, which he replied to.  So much better than the last couple of years!  It's so much better dealing with holidays on my own terms, and planning my own fun.  Life's too short to be dependent on other people for your happiness, KWIM?
This too shall pass.  All is well.

Pen

Elsie, that's great! I'm glad you kept to your own plans. You are a very WW.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Pooh

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Cranky Pants

You are so right, Elsie, life is so much better when you don't depend on others for your happiness.

CP