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Started by ahotaling, November 29, 2013, 04:45:34 PM

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luise.volta

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

dedicatedmom

Oh Ahotaling, I am so sorry. I have been going through the same scenario for six years. Three DD's and a DS. DS was upset when I got the courage to divorce but has not held a grudge. The grown girls on the other hand have just been awful. I mentioned recently on this site that although I love them, I have lost affection for them because of how they have been manipulative, distant and cruel to me. I never imagined that I would come to feel that way. They feel sorry for the ex but it still hurts even when you come to understand some of the reasons why. Please join us and you will get comfort as I have.

Peace

elsieshaye

I divorced just over 15 years ago, and it took me a long time to recover.  In great part that was because my son was small when the marriage ended, and we had joint custody of him, so lots and lots of opportunities to keep tormenting and punishing me for leaving, often using our son as a weapon.  Once my son was old enough to no longer be used like that, and I was able to step away from my ex-h completely, it was much easier for me to find my feet.  But, boy, there were some very painful times, and my son did spend time taking his father's side and blaming me for the divorce.  I knew for myself that I had done what I needed to do for my own survival, and eventually I came to a place where I understood that my son's responses to it (especially as an adult) had a lot more to do with him and his needs than it had to do with me. 

I second what several people have said, that our well-being isn't paramount in our children's minds.  Not saying it should be, because I believe my emotional well-being is my responsibility and nobody else's, but it does mean that I can't look to my son to be positive or even neutral, because he is reacting to his own stuff and simply can't see me as a separate person independent of all of that.  I also noticed, in my son's case, that he was pretty caught up in identifying with his father, and acted as though he felt he needed to "stick up for" his father to me.  There wasn't a whole lot I could do about that, except just try to take care of myself and build a support network for myself that didn't include him.  I definitely sympathize with what you were saying about losing friends - same thing happened to me.  It's hard and unfair, and it hurts.

I'm sorry that you're hurting.  It sounds to me like you're doing some very good things for yourself, like counseling, and starting your own household.  Sending you lots of love and support. 
This too shall pass.  All is well.