Author Topic: holidays approaching  (Read 6428 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline gettingoldandcranky

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 66
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #15 on: November 23, 2013, 04:39:47 AM »
it is funny and sad that i too put up with lots of my mil.  because she loved her son and her grandchildren and why would i hurt someone by taking that away?  didn't hurt my life (too much) to make her happy.  and my husband and my children had another person in their lives who loved them completely.  will NEVER understand how my dil thinks that her babies will care any less for her or their other grandmother if i could get to know and love them.  smh.........

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #16 on: November 23, 2013, 07:22:53 AM »
I was so touched by your ability to see that your husband and children "had another person in their lives who loved them completely." It would be so much easier to say that they don't know who she really is...when she has shown you another side...followed by a relentless campaign to convince them.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline DixieDarling

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #17 on: November 23, 2013, 03:18:15 PM »
@gettingO&C, you said, (will NEVER understand how my dil thinks that her babies will care any less for her or their other grandmother if i could get to know and love them.  smh........) I will NEVER understand that line of thinking either.
I told one of my DILs that I was happy her family was crazy about GRANDSON too! He deserves all the love in the world. It's not a silly contest.

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4399
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #18 on: November 26, 2013, 09:39:37 PM »
As a member of an unlucky FOO that is being "left behind" because DS is being absorbed into a shiny, new family, I can say it isn't easy to simply accept it and move on. We're talking about a big chunk of my life here! If I were retiring from a profession into which I'd pored my heart & soul for a quarter century, I'd at least get some sort of celebration or show of appreciation.

Although I am working on acceptance, one stumbling block for me is that I still don't understand how people can treat others so callously. I guess if they don't really see them as being equal they don't feel the need to be compassionate. That's what hurts - that I'm not seen as an equal human being.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2013, 03:21:31 PM »
Pen, I agree with you a billion percent.
My DS also has been absorbed into his new family and even apologizes to me that they are with them all the time while muttering something like "I guess that's how it is in marriage."
Well, I'm wanting to have a heart to heart talk with him, and let him know how much it hurts, but then, I don't want anyone coming to my house under guilt or obligation.
And, last year I attempted to explain some of my feelings to him and he said I was stressing him out. So, I said "fine, furget about it" and just left him alone. But, of course, the pain and raw emotions are still there, continually festering.
Hopefully, as time goes on, and I focus on other things in life, this will heal.

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 415
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #20 on: November 30, 2013, 04:41:49 PM »
It is hard to let them go and it hurts, but the harder we try to pull them back the more they struggle to be free.  Sometimes if we let go they miss us.  Sometimes they even move towards us.  I hope yours misses you....and soon. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2013, 11:41:58 PM »
SL, thanks for your kind words -- they touch my heart.
I read a post on the forum awhile back, and can't recall who wrote it, but it went something like:
They understood how the son and DIL are supposed to "leave and cleave" and even that is hard to adjust to but necessary, of course. And it makes it easier to swallow when both sets of oarents are treated equally. But when the son's family is shunned while they all get in a love huddle with her folks, it really hurts. This is where I'm stuck and trying to move past. Can't the sons see that this is not right? We know our son loves us and he connects with us frequently, but mostly without her.

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 415
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #22 on: December 01, 2013, 03:10:58 AM »
Oh Shiny, I am so there!  My DIL's FOO is practically living with them!  Meanwhile I never saw or heard from them.  This went on for two years.  No calls for Mother's Day, Father's Day, Birthdays or Christmas. And that awful facebook let me know that the other family was being recognized on all occasions.  When we sent presents we were not even notified that they were received.

Then they got pregnant.  Somewhere along the line they decided that the baby should have two sets of grandparents so they started showing up over here.  We offered rocking chairs and like all the other offers of furniture it was completely ignored.  We were offering antiques (real antiques, not just old and used) and I think she wants new furniture, which is her right.  One day during one of their rare visits she mentioned how much furniture her parents had given her for the nursery and I said "Of course they did sweetie, they are so involved!  I am so happy for you!"  Before I found this site I would not have reacted that way to her comment.  It would have hurt me and I would have brewed about it for a long time.  What is the difference?

The difference is that I decided that she did not have the power to make me feel hurt if I decided not to be hurt.  The difference is that I was loving my life even without my DS in it.  The difference is that I found out that my life was happier if I was not that involved in their lives.  The difference is that I am no longer desperately trying to be included.  Jealousy is a very unhappy emotion, one that should be kicked out of our lives.

The road to get to this point can be a long one but it starts when you decide that you have a life to enjoy regardless of whether your DS enjoys it with you.  You have finished your job.  Now is your time.  Just remember that what you focus on expands so keep your focus on the things that bring you joy and one day, hopefully, your DS and DIL will be among those things. 

Good luck!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #23 on: December 01, 2013, 08:45:03 AM »
How wonderful it can be when we stop trying to make sense of the senseless. Whew! Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline shiny

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #24 on: December 01, 2013, 09:34:01 AM »
If my posts are hijacking your thread, GOAC, I apologize. I'm still learning the ropes here, but want to respond to SL.

SL, you hit the nail on the head and said exactly what I needed to hear!
 
Hopefully this train of thought will propel me forward: namely, that you discovered you were happier NOT being that involved.

While dealing with this issue for the past few years, sometimes I would have a fleeting thought that less involvement is really the way it should be.

I believe when parents are too involved in their AC's married life, it's not healthy for either party for a variety of reasons. They have enough issues to deal with to make the marriage work without the added in-law problems.

It probably is a blessing in disguise, not being under their coat tails all the time. I don't think I would have any peace, knowing more than I need to know. Would only give me stuff to worry about and I'm tired of that anyway.

And I agree, jealousy is a beast. I do not want to live in that horrible bondage.

Luise, you're spot on--trying to make sense out of the senseless is wearisome!

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8849
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #25 on: December 01, 2013, 10:02:14 AM »
...and futile! ???
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline DixieDarling

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #26 on: December 01, 2013, 03:01:41 PM »
Oh SL, I'm so where you were with my youngest son. I want to get to where I don't want to cry. I love my son and have always been so proud if him. He comes and sees us weekly but not the new wife. She makes the (I should) appearance on holidays but that's is all.
I have thought about why it hurts my feelings I guess it's because my son loves her so much that I'd like to be (friendly) with her.
She has refused any gift we've offered for the new baby. I thought at first it was maybe because she's so wealthy? But then she gets excited talking about the wonderful used things her Mother has gotten the baby. I know now it was because it was from us.
They are building their new home next door to her family now.
It would be nice if she would put out the effort with her husbands family as our son has with hers.
I don't need nor want to be her best friend.
I don't have the "her family-his family" issues with my other 2 DILS. Just this one. We've talked to our son a little but I'd rather cry alone than put him in the middle. While raising my sons I didn't know when they married I would no longer be a parent. Or a family member that mattered.
Young women should stop and ask their selves how they would feel if their husband behaved like they did?

Offline Stilllearning

  • Global Moderator
  • Sr. Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 415
  • Life.....never exactly what you expected!
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2013, 05:57:32 PM »
Dixie....lucky you to have your son visit weekly!!  Sometimes we look so longingly at the empty hand we forget that the other is full.  Count your blessings, bide your time, enjoy your weekly visits and hug those other two DILs that much harder!!
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
Author unknown

Offline DixieDarling

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 100
    • View Profile
Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #28 on: December 01, 2013, 10:03:19 PM »
SL, I hadn't thought of this that way and I should have. You're right. I'm very blessed! Thank you for pointing it out to me. The reality check I needed. ((HUGS))