Author Topic: holidays approaching  (Read 6442 times)

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Offline gettingoldandcranky

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holidays approaching
« on: November 11, 2013, 07:11:31 AM »
we are still in the same situation.  dil's mom is with them constantly - lived w/them for months.  she doesn't work, seems to just live for her dd and grands.  has taken over and we have even seen her tell my ds what to do in his own home!
so far, we have been allowed a visit for thanksgiving each year and every time are asked if dil's mom can come.  i am so tired of having her there - not only are we watched constantly by dil, but her mom follows the babes around and watches how everyone interacts w/them. they are like hawks.
my ds gets upset if i say, plse no mil.  once we said no mil and she came anyway.
know it would be bad if i say, no mil - if she is so important just stay at ur home and do holiday w/her.
what do u wise women think?

Offline luise.volta

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2013, 07:57:26 AM »
My take is that it's their call regarding who they invite into their home both occasionally and on a more permanent basis. Your expectations make sense to me but they are yours and they have no responsibility to meet them. In turn, it's your call regarding how you want to deal with it. You aren't going to change it. Taking any kind of action could bring about consequences you would need to anticipate in advance. The price seems equally high, to me, whether you continue to take it or whether you remove yourself from the situation. My experience is that raising my sons was the easy part. Letting them go was/is something else, entirely. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2013, 11:50:24 AM »
  You are allowed a visit......at their house or yours?  If you invite them to your house and they constantly invite your DIL's mom then don't invite them.  Invite someone that would bring joy to your holiday and let your DS/DIL host all the turkeys they want. 
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline DixieDarling

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2013, 12:04:32 PM »
In your shoes I'd try to become friends with DILs mom. If possible? the old "keep your enemies close".
If you can stand the woman that is?
It will make it easier to spend more time with your son and grandchildren. In your shoes Id work on making those two women think I thought they were fantastic people. Maybe it will help if they don't see you as the "other side"?
Kill them with kindness kinda thing. I don't know if this is even an option?

Offline herbalescapes

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2013, 05:04:04 AM »
Don't gamble more than you can afford to lose.  You definitely can't stop them from having the other GM over at their house.  When you invite them to yours you can say no to the other GM, but that's risking them turning down your invitation.  DS and DIL have made the other GM a package deal with them.  Really ain't anything you can do about it.  It's up to you if tolerating her is worth being with DS and his family.  If you say No, you'll have plenty of sympathetic ears here.  Plenty have been in similar situations (though maybe with a slight change in characters).  Good luck. 

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2013, 08:10:05 AM »
thanks for advice.  know i have to decide.  i need to make a decision one way or another.  just a hard one - knowing that if i say no to mil they might not come.  but SO tired of being left out of everything - i'm not invited to things that she can participate in.  i sound so jealous and i am.  don't like being disrespected.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2013, 08:25:52 AM »
My experience is that not liking the way something is takes me to a place where I can hardly function. I look at the pros and cons of imagined actions and know I can't win either way. My expectations aren't going to be met no matter what. I have learned the hard way that thinking I really have a choice is where I get stuck. They have made choices I have to accept or be excluded...and who would choose exclusion? That's not really a choice at all. Bottom line...for me...is my own self respect and the amount of neglect/abuse I am willing to submit to. The implication is that I am invisible and don't matter unless I take a stand and say otherwise. That's where the rubber meets the road. My choice, long ago was to disagree. I am not invisible and I do matter.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline gettingoldandcranky

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #7 on: November 16, 2013, 04:46:05 AM »
thanks louise.  i am not invisible and i do matter.  sitting here again after making attempts at contact - emails and phone call - with no responses.
will try again to back away.  i do well for awhile - make no contact.  then, when ds makes contact, i get involved again and end up getting hurt - again.  this is so hard.  and the holidays make it stand out even more.
thanks for the support.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2013, 11:39:09 AM »
Yes you do matter...a lot!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

wisewomanalso

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #9 on: November 21, 2013, 09:31:16 AM »
I hope that the plans have been resolved for Thanksgiving and that you are going to enjoy them with your family.  I think I understood correctly that it is at your house and they want to (as they always do) to include her mom.

I believe in my heart that as the mother of three boys that I have to look ahead at being the less important one in their family structure.  I raise them to be independent and to look for a wife that will make them happy - and it makes sense to me that a daughter would tend to be more close to her mom and thus they would have more time together.  And, because a son is a male, I would expect that would ultimately mean that he spends more time with his wife's family.  I know that it will hurt at times, but I also believe that if you just accept it as a part of human nature, and move forward, you will in turn be happier in your own life.

That's not to say that you can't expect to have special moments with your children - it'll just be in a different amount as we tend to measure in time spent.  They come to your home on Thanksgiving - even if they want to bring his mom.  I think you should embrace that and enjoy that time. 

Maybe even look at it like this - they want you to share in their family unit on these special days.  If they didn't - then you'd find they'd pull away at that Holiday as well. 

There's a saying that says "make the most of ....." and I guess you can finish that in any way that you want.  But I'd say, make the most of the time you do have together!  If they see you in that positive way and this welcoming way then you might be surprised by their reaction.  I would also tell you to - open the invite up to her mom next year - ahead of them having to ask.  That gesture may go a long way in how things progress for you and in your relationship with them.

Offline Pooh

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #10 on: November 21, 2013, 11:10:09 AM »
All of us here wisewomanalso, that have been through this, expected exactly what you are outlining.  The problem is, most of the time it doesn't end up that way.  It sounds idealist to say I thoroughly expect my Son, when he takes a wife to become a family unit and be happy.  It's also idealist for most of us to recognize that typically a wife is more close to her side/Mother.  That is not an issue.  It's when the DS is absorbed into the other family completely and your family ceases to exist.

It's also very hard, speaking from experience, to try to be welcoming to the other Mother, but have the other Mother act like you need to be supervised with her grandchildren.  Yes, her grandchildren.  Because that's how she thinks of them.  I hope you don't ever have to experience this with any of your Sons and that you can make it all work out.  Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out the way you planned and many times you're left with the decision that trying to accompany every request and demand leaves you feeling inadequate, disrespected and unloved.

I'm sure you never expected to have the in-law problems you encountered and had a preconceived notion of if you behaved a certain way, they would.  I certainly know I would have never expected any of this out of my Son.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
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Offline shiny

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #11 on: November 21, 2013, 11:25:02 AM »
WWA said:
And, because a son is a male, I would expect that would ultimately mean that he spends more time with his wife's family.  I know that it will hurt at times, but I also believe that if you just accept it as a part of human nature, and move forward, you will in turn be happier in your own life.

(Not sure how to do quotes here, duh)

This sounds like a great plan, a successful formula;
however, as the mom of a son, and experiencing the same issues, yeah, it hurts.
Like a dagger in your heart.
And unless a person has traveled the road, the directions may not apply...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #12 on: November 21, 2013, 11:55:33 AM »
I love that saying about not being able to give useful directions on a road not yet traveled. I find it profound!

This is not a Website for Gurus, real or imagined. If anyone here wants to start her own counseling and advice Website, please feel free to use mine as a prototype. www.MomResponds.com

Guru-ism isn't practiced here...and members that insist, are deleted.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #13 on: November 22, 2013, 06:17:03 AM »
And unless a person has traveled the road, the directions may not apply...

Love this!
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline DixieDarling

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Re: holidays approaching
« Reply #14 on: November 22, 2013, 08:20:40 AM »
And unless a person has traveled the road, the directions may not apply...

Love this!
I 2nd the Love!
And I also can completely understand what you ladies are saying about feeling less in the new family unit because your child was a boy. It hurts! Also makes me feel silly that I put up with my MIL for the last 30 yrs. always kind and polite. I love my husband and of course he loves his family as much as I do mine. I never dreamed I could just say NO I don't like her. LOL Silly me!!