Author Topic: death drama need guidance on how to handle  (Read 1600 times)

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Offline stilltrying2010

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death drama need guidance on how to handle
« on: October 17, 2013, 10:39:58 PM »
Long, long story. Brief bg: mil and fil divorced some 30 yrs. Never really got on well with either side but able to tolerate and go along for husbands sake. Recently fil diag w terminal illness. He married longtime girlfriend and passed away all within 7wks time.  ILS come together all dh sibs take care of fil in his final days. Gf, now wife not helping. Fil wanting gf to receive his SS death benefits, not realizing the marriage not long enough. Resentments occur while fil is alive on both sides. I can empathize with the wife as my sil tends to run the show and new wife feels cast aside . However, new wife also purchasing numerous things for herself on fils credit cards... things the family finds strange since her husband is about to die. Fils will leaves all to his kids, but widow can stay in house. Widow proceeds to bad mouth the children (my dh and his sibs ) all over facebook, in direct emails to his now deceased fathers siblings, then to fils longtime friends. Its getting really ugly. I block widow on facebook as I frankly cant handle the drama. My child has birthday. My dh opens card from widow to ensure nothing untoward is included. Not sure what to do with the 10 she sent our child. Then widow facebook messages my dhs account on our child's bday and says how much she and my dhs father love our kids. And how she thought I understood her but blocked her so she was so wrong about that too..

Not sure how to proceed. She restricted my dh and his sibs from her fb and that was ok  but since I blocked her she's now the martyr?  I would love to tell her that I have known the real  her since I hear her disparaging me drunk late one night years ago.  Altho I could commiserate regarding the dynamics with my golden sisterinlaw and how the family isn't welcoming to nonblood relatives. To me what she has done to my dh and his siblings in the midst of their dads shocking diagnosis illness and death has been awful. They provided around the clock care as she couldn't handle it. They are maintaining her residence. She wants to keep fils childhood mementos, report cards hs class ring things that were packed in boxes she had never seen nor did she even know him then (met in their 50s). 

A lot of venting here but unsure if I respond to her and her ltr regarding how she thought I understood her. To me what she has done since negated any pity I may have felt for her. Not sure where to go from here.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2013, 06:38:05 AM »
S - I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of that. I really can't suggest anything except endurance and forbearance. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2013, 08:29:34 AM »
I personally wouldn't respond to her.  People looking for sympathy when they are bringing things on themselves do not get a response from me.

But if you really feel you need to, I think a simple statement of "I did understand the grief you were experiencing and how hard it was on you because we were all going through it.  My understanding stopped when you started making unwarranted statements about me and my family.  I wish you the best, but I will not deal with the negativity."

End of story.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2013, 09:59:24 AM »
Thank you both Luise and Pooh.  I was having a breakdown due to an of overload of emotion. As always you grounded me with acknowledgement, empathy and constructive advise.  thank you, thank you, thank you :)

Offline luise.volta

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2013, 10:09:00 AM »
...and when we start to spin out...you help to ground us.  :)
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline firelight

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2013, 02:40:53 PM »
Hi stilltrying2010,

My take is that your fil chose this long time girlfriend to be his wife, no matter how short lived it turned out.  Even though from the outside looking in, it seems odd she would charge up a storm with his credit cards as he is on his death bed.  However, the only 2 people in the relationship is him and her.  Even though we may not agree with or understand the absurdities, the relationship was theirs.  I feel badly for you since it is obviously sticky and can empathize how the surrounding parties could see this.  Everyone all around the situation is overloaded with emotion.  Sometimes it's just best to sit back and not feed the fire for a while.  I find when you don't feed the fire, it will die out.   Meanwhile, as hard as it is, remember that fil made the decision to make this woman his wife and she has "rights" and choices to make, even if she makes very poor ones.  Not that I agree with her behavior at all, it's just something to put in perspective.  Consider it a matter of respecting your late fil's wishes, even when we don't understand or agree with them.  IMHO. 

Warmest regards,

firelight
Firelight

"When you allow life to flow... without struggle... your Soul is restored."   ~z2z~

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2013, 05:11:56 AM »
Thanks to you firelight (didn't mean to not acknowledge you,.especially after reading that epic novel/post).  I know that you're right and I have to perceive things the way you mentioned for my own self.  Additionally, I feel like your post helped me decide not to respond to gf/stepmil/widow as it only drags things on longer and will not change anything.

***always proof read I typo-ed "perceived things" into " receive thongs"... Certainly changes the meaning!!!  :D

Offline luise.volta

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Re: death drama need guidance on how to handle
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2013, 08:17:57 AM »
 :D :D :D  That typo!  :D :D :D

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher