March 28, 2024, 05:35:46 AM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Need Advice

Started by maddiemoo, October 02, 2013, 09:38:00 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

maddiemoo

I raised my son, now 25 and my daughter, now 23 on my own from the time they were 9 and 11.  Their DD paid his child support but argued over every dime.  He remarried and then his new wife took over. My ex rarely fulfilled his visitation, often cancelling at the last minute.   I did my best with my kids.  I wasn't a perfect mom, nor were they perfect kids.  I loved them and they loved me. I got them both into college and now my son is 25 with a nice life, a gf of a few years and a good career.  My daughter and I used to be very close.  She danced and I devoted time to her.  She got into college and danced there too.  She was always pretty easy to raise, a bit opinionated and stubborn, but a go getter.  She worked so hard in college for 2 plus years.  She had a goal and was driven. She had a boy friend and looking back she always NEEDED a boyfriend.  With each bf she changed her likes and dreams to a certain extent but we remained close.  When she was 20 and a junior in college she came home for break after a recent difficult break up with a big man on campus and went on ONE date with a soldier home from Iraq.  That ONE date was the beginning of the end.  She was consumed with him and he with her.  They were on Skype constantly and by January, when the new semester started she decided she hated her college, the dance team and was quitting and moving home. I supported her decision.  Looking back I wish I hadn't , but I felt I had to support her or lose her. From January to May she and her soldier skyped, she did get a job, but planned on moving to where he was stationed when he returned from deployment in June.  She moved at 20 years old, married a few weeks after he came home and a month or so later was pregnant.  Now, at 23 she has a 14 month old and a marrage of a little over 2 years.  From the time she moved she changed.  He didn't  like this outfit, or that way she wore her hair, or her status on face book. I was slowly pushed out and involved less and less.  Off and on during this time she and I have had periods of that glimpse of the former closeness.  January 2012 was the beginning of the end.  I wont bore you with every detail, but her husband didn't like an opinion I shared, and she told me off for him.  I was told she would do it, because if HE did it IT would be worse.  Fast forward to a visit to my home this past June by her and the baby.  She had sour attitude while delayed in the airport and arrived a raging witch. Everything was my fault, or my sister's or my mother's fault.  A couple days into her visit I said something she didn't like, and believe me when I say it was mild.  Just me sharing my opinion about her going back to work and child care.  She had a fit. Stormed out.  She changed her ticket and left early.  I have spoken to her ONE time since then on the phone.  Before that call and since I will try to reach out with a message on face book or text, or email.  I am generally ignored.  I received a text from her husband calling me every name in the book and telling me to stay "in my lane at all times" and that I am pathetic.  I was also told by him he will make sure my grand daughter never receives a letter, package or anything from me.  Just tonight, my daughter's status came across my newsfeed on face book that she booked her flight for Thanksgiving.  Her husband is deploying soon for 9 months.  I did not expect her to come to my state, but I guess foolishly I hoped she would at least tell me and not let me find out that way.  I feel she is trying to keep hurting me on purpose.  I don't know who she is anymore. I am so upset and hurt. I love her and love and adore that baby. 
I am planning on ignoring her status and pretending either A. I didn't see it or B. that I have nothing to say about it.  After all, nothing I have said since June has mattered.
My question to anyone out there...WHAT do I do or say? Do I say nothing? Do I forget about her and the pain she is causing me and my family?
Thanks for reading this! I am relatively new here and am so thankful I found this site and other parents who did there best and are being slapped in the face by the children they love.

maddiemoo

I am sorry...the beginning of the end was January of this year, 2013, not 2012. I didn't catch that typo  :)

luise.volta

M- My take she is an adult and can make any choices she wants. She will learn the consequences or not. In the meantime, I would tell her that I love her, wish her well and am resuscitating my self-respect...and leave the ball in her court. Abuse is deadly and that is what you are being handed.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Didi.lost

Welcome M and sorry you are going through this rough time.  I don't have any answers as to what to do with AC that
treat us disrespectfully and cruel as they are adults and can make their own choices.  I also know they get the consequences of their actions also.  But we parents..do suffer and it's not fair but you can't make sense of the senseless.

You don't deserve this treatment and it's up to you to set boundaries for their behaviour.  But then you may not see
them again.  I have not seen my DD for almost 2 years now.  There is no respect there at all anymore and I am worth
more than that.  I will have to live without my DD until she sees the light and smartens up or she may never.  Her choice
Life is quieter now with no more chaos

Maybe someday your DD will talk to you about her life and maybe you can figure something out to keep the peace but I
found forcing yourself of them doesn't get you anywhere but further apart.

jdtm

QuoteJust tonight, my daughter's status came across my newsfeed on face book that she booked her flight for Thanksgiving.

Facebook causes so much pain and hurt.  I think that I would 'block' her newsfeed so that you do not see what she does or shares with her facebook "friends".  There is truth in the old saying "ignorance is bliss".  So sorry ....

luise.volta

I find that true about FB, jdtm. It's one kind of abuse we can stop. If we read it 'because we want to know what's going on', we are abusing ourselves. We were whole before we were parents and we can be whole again if we are willing to shift our focus.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Didi.lost

I so agree about FB.  I say it ruined my relationship with my DD forever.  It started there and got worse there.  Of
course my DD is the biggest part of that though.


maddiemoo

Thank you or the opinions, advice, and suggestions.  I do agree that face book made/makes things worse.  At one point she deleted me and then days later deactivated her account. Between June and mid August she basically ignored any attempts I made to reach her. Finally, mid august she answered my text. I of course apologized for the 100th time about my part in our disagreement.  AND I said I forgave both her and her husband for their part.  I really did and am trying to forgive mostly for myself.  She then, a few days later, reactivated her account and sent me a new friend request.  I was hopeful.  I was also thrilled to see my grand daughter. Soon though, I realized she only allowed me to see her life and not participate or communicate.  Now, if I message her on fb I can see if she received it with the time stamp they offer, and most times she will respond. She doesn't always respond. I guess I am just terrified to stop initiating because then we will have nothing. I am fully aware I am being abused and treated like crap.  It just is so painful.  I never expected this in a million years. Thanks again for giving me a place to reach out with no judgment!

luise.volta

It's a choice many of us here have had to make, M. Often, it's after we reach some kind of pain-saturation point. For me, it was when I realized that to take abuse was to teach it. I eventually just couldn't continue in the name of love.
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Pen

Hi Maddiemoo and welcome to the site. I'm a FB holdout myself, I have a feeling I'd be setting myself up for hurt and disappointment if I joined.

BTW, if you haven't received the "official" welcome post yet, here it is. Please take a moment to read the pink-highlighted items on the home page under Open Me First. There's nothing wrong with your post, we just ask this of all new members to make sure we all understand the policies and objectives of the site.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

maddiemoo

Thanks for again for the warm welcome! I did read the "open letter" and I seem to have missed the part about not capitalizing all letters for emphasis. A habit I will work on letting go of here.  :) 

Pooh

Welcome Maddie.  The occasional capitalizing of a word, here and there, isn't no biggie when you are doing it for emphasis like you did.  It's the constant capitalization or when you using it when you are giving a member advice (can be taken as yelling) that we tamp down on.  So no worries. :)

I'm in the opposite camp here on FB (we've talked about it before).  Yes, I know it can cause pain, and when my DIL deleted me off her page, it was a point of contention.  But I get so much benefit out of it and that it outweighs the other side for me.  I have another son in the military and DIL is great about tagging me in pics of GS, and other relatives that live far away and we keep up with each other.  So I had to realize that if it wasn't facebook, it would have been an ugly email, or an ugly text, or an ugly letter.....bah....all kinds of ways to get to people now-a-days.  The trick is, I don't go looking for hurtful things and have to be responsible for my actions.

Now, there are days when mutual friends comment on her pics, and bam, the GD I have never met pops up on my wall!  At first, it was very painful and caused some tears, but now I treasure that when it happens because I get to see how she's growing and how much she looks like my DS.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Pen

One of these days I'll decide that I can pull up my big girl panties and handle the rejection I'm sure to get from DS/DIL. I'd love to be in contact with my friends and other family members!
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

maddiemoo

I like Facebook very much! I play games, connect with old friends and family members.  The only issue is seeing what my daughter posts so I have hidden her from my newsfeed. I can go to her page when I want to and see if she has posted pictures of my grand daughter. I have decided there is pain no matter what I decide to do and working through the pain is all I can do.