Author Topic: So very weird  (Read 1383 times)

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Offline Lillycache

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So very weird
« on: September 10, 2013, 05:30:12 AM »
Back in July I posted that my Ex-husband's wife had died and that my DH and I attended the wake.  A few weeks after that he sent both DH and I a friend request on FB.  We accepted.  He has been posting all sorts of things in his status about missing and loving her and wanting to hold and kiss her.  I guess that's normal, but considering he left me and our sons for this woman.. it's kind of ummm... I don't know the word... sickening?     NOW he is contacting me in PM and asking for advise and comfort on how to cope with his grief.  I guess the fact that I was widowed 11 years ago has gotten him thinking I'm an expert at it.   So I've tried to "comfort" him and say all the right things..   However, that part of me that remembers what it was like to find out my husband of nearly 10 years had been cheating on me with that woman and was madly in love with her is still there.    I want to tell him to snap the heck out of it.. because if he had learned how to deal with losses like I have he wouldn't be so debilitated..   I have had many losses in my life.  Him.. my 2nd husband.. may family... my grandkids... I guess through that I learned to develop a sense of self and strength.   He on the other hand is looking to "end it all" as he put it  yesterday.    I guess I should have more sympathy for him... and I suppose I do.... but the irony of all this is too much to bear.    He has thanked me for being willing to talk to him and comfort him "after all these years"  I wonder if the irony is or isn't lost on him.

Offline Pooh

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2013, 06:36:23 AM »
Whoa Lilly.  That is definitely a weird situation to be in.  I know you are trying to be nice, and you are a better person than me, because I'll honestly admit I couldn't do it.  I had the same situation, as in my Ex left me after 21 years for a younger version and we don't speak at all.  I just can't imagine being in your shoes and having him contact me for advice.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2013, 06:50:35 AM »
Oh... it sure isn't easy.  I do understand what he is feeling.  On the other hand I so badly want to ask him if he even considered what he was doing to me and our sons when he left us for her.  AND to hear him wax on and on about what a good and wonderful woman she was... when he and I both know she was unfaithful to HIM!!...   I've got the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other.  The angel is telling me to have compassion for an old man who has never had to live on his own and never experienced a great loss before..  and in spite of everything he is still the father of  my children.   The devil is telling me to tell him to kiss my backside and suffer!     

Offline Pooh

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2013, 07:50:59 AM »
My devil wins a lot and I think my angel giggles about it....
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2013, 10:00:29 AM »
LC - My take is that you are 'driving the car', your 'ex' isn't. You get to decide when to bow out of FB, letting him know you have given it your best shot...and wishing him well. Tell him that we all learn from life...or refuse to. We can't fast-forward into the learnings of others. You know what his being totally self-absorbed has cost him...and...what all of this is costing you. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Lillycache

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2013, 10:26:24 AM »
You are so right.. He is and always has been self absorbed.  He is hurting horribley..  That I know for sure, and I feel very sorry for him.. as I would for anyone hurting that much... BUT.. not a thought or a word out of him for his 4 kids... or his 6 grandkids.   Only Him him him... her her her..   blah blah blah..  AND now he wonders what the point of living is without her?  Umm... hello... 4 kids 6 grandkids???  I have known this person since I was 16 years old... almost 50 years..  It's always been about HIM.   NOW he wants to suck the life out of me too? ..... again?..   I'm ending any future dialog as of now.

Offline jdtm

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2013, 11:07:28 AM »
Quote
I'm ending any future dialog as of now.

Smart move ...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2013, 11:16:15 AM »
Good for you!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pen

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2013, 12:08:34 AM »
Right on, LC.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Lillycache

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Re: So very weird
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2013, 04:54:25 AM »
Thanks everyone.   I don't think he will be contacting me again. I think he's being a selfish jerk..  as he always was. 
« Last Edit: September 11, 2013, 08:47:31 AM by luise.volta »