trying to understand why my adult children are distant and uncaring

[msoldlady]

I have 3 grown children, ages 46(son),44(daughter), and 40(daughter. In the past 3 years, my son has cut off all contact with me. My oldest daughter is close to me and we are fine, just recently my youngest daughter had become distant and totally uncommunicative with me. The daughter I am close to doesn't understand the others behavior either.
I am at a loss...questions I pose, no response and no answers. I still try to communicate, I still remember special holidays and birthdays, send cards, gifts and letters...never a thank you, never a recognition of my efforts. We all live in different towns. I live too far to go visit often and am on a fixed income, so can't travel often, but have driven myself to see them when I could do so. I am 71, and a breast cancer survivor and do have some health issues at this time. My youngest daughter, who I always felt so close to has been to my home twice in 10 years. My son has been here once and that was when my father passed away.
I have 5 grandchildren and try to stay in touch with them, but no real contact, other than my oldest daughter's child.
I am at a loss. My sister doesn't get all this either. Just like, one day they woke up and decided to cut me out of their lives. The two that are so strange have a good relationship with their Dad, who is remarried to the last one (there were many) he cheated on me with. He was a nonexistent Dad when we were together and treated the kids with no regard. He is very wealthy and shares a lot with them. As a single mom I tried my best to give them what I could, as well as, instill good morals.
Does anyone out there have the same thing going on?
I am hating the fact we are all getting older and see no resolve. I am devastated and baffled.

[Pen]

Welcome, Msoldlady. I'm sorry this is happening in your life. You are not alone, many here are dealing with similar issues. I hope you can find some comfort here.

Please take a minute to read the pink-highlighted items under Open Me First on the homepage, especially the information about site policies. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit.

I'm glad your oldest daughter and you are still close.

[Pooh]

Welcome MS.  You are going to find many here in very similar situation that can offer great support and knowledge.  One thing here, no matter what are titles are, that we all have in common is that we don't get it either.  We learn to move past it, but we don't get it.

[jdtm]

He was a nonexistent Dad when we were together and treated the kids with no regard.

Sometimes I often wonder how much our children inherit from us.  It sounds as if their father has very little empathy and/or sympathy - could your children have inherited this undesirable trait?  My husband and I have two sons - one "feels" much like his father; the other like me.  I know this doesn't make things better but sometimes knowing the actions of others are not "because of us" but "because of them" can make it easier to understand (if there is any sense to the senseless).  Anyway - so sorry you had to find us here - but welcome ....

[luise.volta]

Welcome - M. You are no stranger here...we all get it and have lived it in one way of another. One of the best ways to jump start WWU is to read the threads already posted. There is great wisdom, compassion and healing in the posts already published and "lived" here. You will find community...will be heard, will be acknowledged and offered options. Sending love...

[Arlen]

Hello M, such a heartbreak and I wish there was some clue I could give you as to why our children we love dearly would do this.  They have their reasons, but they don't share and it's impossible to know. My AD has cut me off and I feel the same despair and bafflement.   I used to think only children who have abusive parents do this, but more and more I see adult children doing this to parents who haven't really done anything that would warrant such a harsh rejection.  My AD came from a very stable home, with two parents who are still very happily married, and the biggest irony is neither one of us are interfering types, or nag, or do the guilt trip stuff.   I am glad you have one daughter who you are still close with. sending a hug.

[freespirit]

We have next door neighbors who have three adult children. They seem to have the most wonderful relationship with all of them, including their grandchildren as well.

When Hubby and I sit on our terrace and hear the laughing  and smell the bq steaks, and just get the gist of family togetherness...we sit there and, ...at least I,.... grovel and think,...what do they do that we don't do?

I have come to one denominator. The parents lead an extremely active social life. Their free time isn't focused on their children. They have many friends, travel a great deal, are involved with their own adult parents...etc. And in between, when they have time for their kids,...the children grab that time and visit them.

I noticed myself, when Hubby and I began to travel in our caravan and weren't around for birthdays and such, that our adult children seemed to value us more. I know, ...how sad is that...but it seems to be that way.

So it certainly won't hurt to lead your own lives as active as you possibly can. It doesn't have to be about traveling, it's just about doing things outside of the home. It not only distracts, but it makes you more interesting to your kids. And if the adult children still stay away, at least we are doing something for ourselves. ...

Hope you feel better soon msoldlady. I know it hurts terribly. I went through a lot of disappointments and sadness before I could spread my wings and fly.

[Pen]

So it certainly won't hurt to lead your own lives as active as you possibly can. It doesn't have to be about traveling, it's just about doing things outside of the home. It not only distracts, but it makes you more interesting to your kids. And if the adult children still stay away, at least we are doing something for ourselves. ...

FS, how true! We've seen it happen to WWU members before. As you say, even if it takes a long time, or never happens, at least we've lived a more interesting life than if we'd sat on the couch waiting and stewing in our hurt and anger. What have we got to lose??

[goldendays1]

OMG it was like reading our own story and I'm so sorry for you because my husband (2nd) has a daughter and son who are just the most hard hearted, cruel, uncaring kids and seem to revel in hurting him (and I).
My husband and I had known each other since our 20's and always been neighbors casual friends.  Eventually through the years my first husband and I moved to the States and then my now husband moved his family and we all ended up in the same town pure coincidence through job moves.  Eventually he divorced, then so did my husband and I.  After about 12 years of "dating" we married and are very happy for the last 10 years or so.  His son suddenly after a couple of years of marriage announced he was no longer going to be a part of our lives, subsequently he and his wife had a child and the son said my husband was not suitable grandparent and just recently when he learned that his daughter who would be staying with my husband's daughter to play with her kids for a few days said he would take his daughter away if my husband visited that he did not want him near her.  My husband's daughter, should my husband text her or lv a msg on her answering machine that he has a health problem, will reply if we're lucky oh dear that's not good you should take better care of yourself, whilst she is vacationing in  Disneyworld.  She was going to pay for my husband to fly to her home for his birthday present that got downsized to nothing because she said she was concerned about her husband's job (they both make good money) and yet there they are vacationing in Disney and just bought expensive new car and had several family trips this summer locally to the beach, zoo etc.   
My husband was a wonderful father when they were growing up.  He was a successful professional who worked long hours.  Weekends he would be in charge of looking after the kids and loved doing it.  His wife never wanted kids and would just say they're yours for the weekend.  If they should hate anyone I would imagine it to be her.  My stepson called me dillusional to want to be with him.  Meanwhile my son and daughter albeit they live a distance are part of our lives, my son to a lesser extent but no animosity.  I'd say he's just wrapped up in their own lives.  My daughter probably calls once a day to report on the antics of her two children and always ends the call with love you guys.   I only feel bad about the fact that it hurts my husband.  I think the last time we saw the daughter and two kids the kids didn't know who we were and the 4 year old asked my husband why he divorced his first wife and why he loved me so much.  FOUR YEARS OLD.  Wonder where that came from?

[herbalescapes]

There could be a bazillion reasons for your children's behavior.  It's easy to think that if you just knew the 'why' you could change the behavior.  That's not always the case.  Sometimes knowing the why makes things worse because we think the why is ridiculous or untrue or whatever.  Try to embrace the serenity prayer - accept what you cannot change.  Cherish what you have with DD.  Make a life for yourself that doesn't let your children's rejection be so central.  I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for your kids to be simpatico with their dad when you did all the real parenting, but the answer may simply be that they are tempermentally more suited to him than you.  Good luck. 

[Arlen]

I have a feeling that just as herbalescapes said, even if we knew it would probably be more pain and turmoil. At this point the only thing I am interested in is if my daughter asked us, me, to go to counseling, so we could figure what we could ALL do. Other than that we are trying very hard to just get on with it started doing sunday trips with the goal to have fun, and I have started a journal and writing a daily goal of doing something each day that makes me happy. 
I think I will write the serenity prayer into my journal now.

[dedicatedmom]

Gosh M - this is my life only my DC are in their 20's and early 30's. My 3 DD's are just distant and my DS is pulling away because I've complained about it too much to him, looking for answers but he does not want to be put in the middle understandably. I got divorced from their DD 5 1/2 hears ago because of drinking and non-communication issues and although they were all adults at the time they flock around him, feel sorry for him, and I'm left out in the cold. It hurts so bad and I plead with my DD's but mostly they don't want to hear me. My 2 youngest DD's haven't contacted me for a year even though I've tried but they don't answer my calls; my oldest DD has my 2 precious GC and she allows me to see them but I have to make the arrangements, drive 6 hours,  and I get 2 hours to visit at most. I was a completely hands on mom, they came first and they are all educated with master's degrees and good jobs - but now for my efforts, I am on the outside. I see my friends with their families and it hurts so bad. I have good days and bad - but I've started a gratitude journal and list the good things that happen in my life each day without them. This site has been my God send. Best to you

Dedicated Mom