Author Topic: call them?  (Read 5255 times)

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Offline stilltrying2010

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call them?
« on: July 10, 2013, 06:37:26 AM »
Our child is having surgery tomorrow for a typical childhood problem.  Am I supposed to notify the inlaws?  My dh spoke to his mom on his birthday a couple weeks ago.  Other than that we haven't spoken to her since we took her on vacation with us.  No contact at all.  Dh has been talking to his dad about his, fileP, poor health condition. Mil and Fil are divorced. 

I am thinking that mil would be hurt if she didn't know so I should just do the right thing and call her.  But I find myself hesitating as to why she has had no contact with us at all.   if she had then she would no.  Then I am feeling guilty because I haven't telephoned her either and I can't expect her to do something I am not doing.  All my family knows because we talk to them and they to us.  My one sil from dhs side knows because we have a relationship and talk every 2-3 wks.  Am I trying to punish dhs too for their lack of relationship with us?  Not intentionally.  I have been struggling with my withdrawl from them recently.  Not an angry withdrawal, just a self preservation thin but wondering if this is an impediment to having a relationship.  In my heart I know that a relationship constitutes us calling them and hearing the family gossip, maybe or maybe not even asking about our kids.  However, any info I do tell them will get added to the family gossip/talk.  Then we'll get fb msgs about how they love our kid so much and hope she feels better love gramma /auntie/cousin....  Yes, all that from people we never talk to unless we initiate it or they need fresh ears for their news. 

I talk myself into and out of calling them... I know I am stressed about the procedure and don't know what to do.  Any advise?  Sorry this is all over the place.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: call them?
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2013, 07:02:17 AM »
   I don't know your MIL or your relationship, but many of us don't call because we are afraid of being to intrusive... nosey.... meddling... etc..  Many of us have heard that our calls and not really thought of as a good thing.. but a pushy thing.  Many of us have been told that the medical conditions or health of our grandchildren are simply none of our business.    On the other hand.. many of us who don't call for this reason are then told we are cold, unfeeling and uncaring..  It feels like a catch 22..  Damned if we do and damned if we don't.   Please don't think that I think you make your MIL feel this way.. I'm just trying to shed light on why many of us don't call and sit back and wait to be called and included..   I cannot advise you if you should or shouldn't call.. I am only talking from a MIL prospective.  It's hurtful to not be considered family enough to know things going on with the GKs..  But it's also hurtful to have our calls not welcomed.

Offline jdtm

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Re: call them?
« Reply #2 on: July 10, 2013, 07:03:15 AM »
To call or not to call?  Depends.  How are you going to feel when (not if, but when) a neighbour or acquaintance or friend mentions the surgery to your in-laws and wonders how the grandchild is doing?  Your answer to this question should probably tell you whether to call or not to call.


Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: call them?
« Reply #3 on: July 10, 2013, 07:33:24 AM »
Lilly I actually had read your post in the son and daughter section before.  I don't know why my mil doesn't call.  Usually she calls and only speaks to my dh who has imo a strained relationship with his mom.  My Mil has said that my dh doesn't tell her anything and is just too general, uh-huhing the conversation.   Usually mil doesn't speak to me or our kids but when she does it is mainly about my sil and her kids.   The conversation is never about us or our kids, so it is somewhat odd and over time feels pointless for me.  I, too, feel the catch22.  Tell someone you never talk to personal information when there is no relationship but how can there be a relationship if we don't tell personal information... 

I will probably call her so as not to guilty.  It will annoy me that she'll tell all the family who will publically (fb) talk about how they love our dd so much all while not ever bothering to contact us or her ever.  The old actions speak louder than words...   Of course that would apply to me as well and I am no longer putting myself out there to them.  Around and around I go.

Jdtm:  thanks for cutting through the emotions of it to a bottom line question, I needed that.

Offline Lillycache

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Re: call them?
« Reply #4 on: July 10, 2013, 07:42:12 AM »
How would she react if you asked her to NOT spread the word on FB?  You could say something like... "I am only comfortable sharing this with close family".... that may make her feel special and included and inclined to keep it quiet..   

Offline Grieving

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Re: call them?
« Reply #5 on: July 10, 2013, 08:40:45 AM »
I think lc nailed it right on. Just to add-while I don't know about your IL situation--I am one who tends to 'oh, how precious, love him, etc.' on FB regarding my GS. This is in the vain hope that one day, DIL will realize that more than one person can love him w/o being a threat to her. It is a very fine line, full of eggshells because if we are too involved, it is a threat; if not, we don't care. Sometimes I get very tired of walking it, not sure it is worth it as relationship is so tenuous/superficial, which as lc ,again, says it is hurtful not to know what is happening with GKs. I would urge you to err on side of compassion and tell her. If you think it will help, ask her not to put it on FB. I know I would honor that.

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: call them?
« Reply #6 on: July 10, 2013, 08:43:33 AM »
I called them, mil and stepfil.  Talked to stepfil chitchatted about weather as mil wasn't home.  Stepfil was kind, concerned and said he appreciated me letting him know :)

Then mil arrived home while I was talking to stepfil.  Got to talk to her too.  I told her what was going to happen.  She asked a couple of relevant questions.  Then launched into conversation about golden sil, my dhs father (her ex) telling me stuff sil told her not to tell anyone per her words!  Then on and on about gsils kids, gsils eye issues ad nauseum.  During this 7-10 min conversation, Gsil, her dh and dd all txt mil as ell as 2 ph calls.  I could have done without this entire conversation.  As soon as I saw an out I took it.

in hindsight, glad I told them.  Mil wanted to talk to our dd who shook head head No.  I told mil she wasn't really wanting to talk about it.  It is what it is.  Bottom line I did it and glad and glad it's done.  Now just to have the procedure done.  Thanks for helping me along.

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: call them?
« Reply #7 on: July 10, 2013, 08:49:13 AM »
We were posting simultaneously grieving but wanted to say that I never considered my mil commenting on our pics as a reaching out to be involved.  Maybe it will help my perception. 

Offline Pooh

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Re: call them?
« Reply #8 on: July 10, 2013, 09:14:28 AM »
You did the right thing, IMO.  And it has nothing to do with MIL.  It helped you relieve your worry some and the guilty-second-guessing feelings you were having.  Now you can concentrate on the surgery and not worry about what she says or does.  And you did well when she started the whole "everybody else" stories.  You listened for a few and then bowed out gracefully. 
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: call them?
« Reply #9 on: July 10, 2013, 06:07:34 PM »
Glad you follow through and sorry she came home during the call. I woulda' given DH the job...whether he liked it or not. He called on her BD!
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: call them?
« Reply #10 on: July 10, 2013, 06:13:53 PM »
Interesting turn of events.  My Dh is being a jerk to me because apparently MIL told "the family" and he is getting texts from random relatives we never talk to
. I am very angry right now.  At my duH and mil.  The thought of taking to fb has come to mind but I know that would probably (definitely) be a mistake.  But I admit to wanting to post a general thank for sharing our business.  Grrr

Offline Pooh

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Re: call them?
« Reply #11 on: July 11, 2013, 11:02:16 AM »
Well then this would be a prime opportunity for DH to call his Mother and voice HIS displeasure over her telling everyone else!  He's being a jerk to the wrong person.

I know it would be easy for you to blast her on FB and tempting, but please refrain.  I know you are rightfully upset with her, but all that would do would serve to make you out as the bad guy.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: call them?
« Reply #12 on: July 11, 2013, 11:33:31 AM »
Well then this would be a prime opportunity for DH to call his Mother and voice HIS displeasure over her telling everyone else!  He's being a jerk to the wrong person.

I know it would be easy for you to blast her on FB and tempting, but please refrain.  I know you are rightfully upset with her, but all that would do would serve to make you out as the bad guy.

See... now I wouldn't lay it on my husband..  I would take the bull by the horns so to speak... since I was the one that called and tell her myself..   I say something like.. "I know I didn't come out and ask you to keep it quiet, but when I tell you personal things about my family, I am telling you because you are my husbands mom and my childs grandmother and I feel you have the right to be told.  Please, in the future, when I tell you things, don't put it out on FB for everyone to see.. I am a private person and it makes me uncomfortable"

Then in the future, when you tell her something remind her about keeping it quiet.  I don't think she even realizes she has done something wrong.   IF she STILL blasts it all over the internet.. then you have a right to be angry with her and withhold any future info.. and I would let her know that. 

Offline stilltrying2010

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Re: call them?
« Reply #13 on: July 11, 2013, 12:40:11 PM »
I agree Pooh.  My dh says it won't change anything.  It seems that's how they do it in his FOo.  And not I didn't put anything on fb but it sure was tempting, lol.

Lilly, I told dh,albeit when I was flaming mad, that I would call his dm.  Again he was like no, that'll only give them fuel.  I love what you wrote to say to MIL and I am certain she has no idea that she's spun me all up.  I don't know if I can say it without sounding irritated still.  Of course this will be going against what my dh wants me to do but otherwise how would I resolve these feelings?  Been there done that. 

Someone else wrote about taking intentions into account.  I think they should be a consideration but not the whole thing.

Anyway, our sweet girl was a champ and is resting comfortably now.

Thanks again for all your input

Offline Pen

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Re: call them?
« Reply #14 on: July 12, 2013, 11:17:25 AM »
Glad to hear your DD is doing well. I hope everything else gets sorted out.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb