Author Topic: My Ex-husband's wife has died  (Read 3459 times)

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Offline Lillycache

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My Ex-husband's wife has died
« on: July 02, 2013, 06:33:25 AM »
I am a bundle of emotion this morning and unable to figure out where to put this.   Last night, my younger son called me to tell he he had received a call from his half-brother.  Apparently he found his mother on the bathroom floor, blue and not breathing.  He called 911 and they took her to the hospital.. it didn't look good.  About an hour later my son called back to tell me she had died. 

 WOW..  so a bit of the background.   When I was married to my 1st husband and my boys were just 4 and 6 years old.. he was caught cheating on me with her.. She was 7 years younger than me... which made her only 20.   We divorced.. and shortly afterward he married her.. they went on to have 2 kids together.   She was never very nice to my boys when they went to visit their father.. she would yell at them, or completely ignore them and make them watch TV in the bedroom out of her sight.  I blame my Ex for letting her behave that way.. Needless to say there were years of annimosity and anger. 

Then after many years... my younger son married and we were thrown at various occasions.. my son's wedding.. the birth of his kids.. the christenings.. Some holidays at their house.. and we seemed to get along fine.  We even had some good times and some laughts... All the turmoil was ancient history.  When my 2nd husband died.. my Ex and his wife came to his wake and stayed several hours.. Of course since my split with my DIL.. I have not had contact with them for several years.

I lay awake most of last night with 35 years of history spinning through my head.  There was a time I hated her and cursed the ground she walked on.. Then.. not so much..  I feel sorry a 56 year old woman had to die.... I even feel sorry for my Ex.. as I know exactly what his is experiencing... as I have lived it..  I have such conflicted feelings.... I don't know where to put them.   I also wonder WHY I am still doing the 9 to 5 rat race... I should be home enjoying my home and my animals and my life in general instead of putting up with the petty annoyances and aggravation here at work..   None of this even seems important... I wonder why I have let it get to me.. Life is so short.. and can end in an instant.... as I have been reminded of once again.  Thanks for listening... I just needed to type this out and look at it..

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2013, 10:00:15 AM »
So sorry Lilly.  This is the place to put it.  It's funny how something can happen and put life in perspective.  Just know even though understandably the relationship was rough for several years, in the end, you and her came to a resolution and I'm sure she was grateful for that.  Thinking of you as you sort through this.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2013, 10:22:58 AM »
LC - Yes, this is the place. We look at convoluted entanglements and see how we learn to love and grow as we work our way through them. Death is the real leveler. We find we love those we can't live with and to a degree, those they love…and we learn that no one gets a free ride. At 86, I have seen and felt and had to deal with death many times…the most difficult, my son's at 52 in his sleep from a sleep apnea induced stroke. I tried to comfort his wife but she would have none of it…she spewed hate at me and told me that it was from my son as well as from her. I admire your willingness to visit the overview and feel compassion and I admire your honestly that you are willing to re-visit the good times. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Lillycache

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2013, 11:35:20 AM »
The whole thing just feels so surreal..  She was such a HUGE factor in my life and in the lives of my kids... for better or for worse..  I have decided to not go to the wake..  DS and his wife will be there an I have no desire to see her anyway.  I have decided to send a card and some cash... which I know will be needed to help with expenses..  I was going to send a plant or some flowers, but money will be better considering what I suspect his financial situation to be..  Do you think cash is tacky?   I know that many people gave checks and money to me when my 2nd husband died.. My co-workers took up a collection and I think I used it to pay for the luncheon following the funeral..  What say you, regarding what I should do as an acknowledgement

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #4 on: July 02, 2013, 11:51:01 AM »
My take is to do what your heart tells you to do. There will always be those who will criticize you if you send cash…and…if you don't.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Pooh

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #5 on: July 02, 2013, 01:42:41 PM »
I think since you know he can use it, cash is just fine.  Who cares what others think?  That's their problem.  Just a note saying, "I thought you might could make good use of this in lieu of flowers" would leave it up to him to use for whatever he needs.
We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us. -
Joseph Campbell

Offline Lillycache

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #6 on: July 03, 2013, 04:39:39 AM »
Thanks for the replys and advise... However, I have scrapped the plans of sending anything.. even a card.  I just saw the obituary in the paper.. She is listed as the "Cherished Grandmother" of MY three grandchildren!!!    Needless to say, I am beyond livid..  Just  one last final stab in the back from the "you know what" that stold my husband and broke up my home..  NOW she has my grandkids.  I am beyond finished..  I am done with all of them..    I feel diminished again...   I don't know if I should bring this up to DS.. or just disappear from his life.. now.  Apparently the grandmother of his children is dead anyway. 

Offline Lillycache

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #7 on: July 03, 2013, 05:30:48 AM »
Oh boy... I sure wish I could delete my post above..   Just a knee jerk reaction... and a bit of a temper tantrum..  sorry.. The woman is dead..  I'm alive and very thankful for it.   I can go on to be my GKs grandmother..for hopefully many years to come.

Offline Stilllearning

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #8 on: July 03, 2013, 07:42:41 AM »
Wow!  What a quick recovery for you Lilly!!  I think just venting those feeling here, with such a wonderfully understanding audience, helped.  I totally understand your hurt and anger and I think they are completely justified.  Your ex was just not thinking when he approved the obit, but then who is thinking when they are planning a funeral?  I am amazed that you got your feet under you so quickly.  You should take a bow!    :)
Your mind is a garden your thoughts are the seeds
You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.
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Offline jdtm

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #9 on: July 03, 2013, 07:56:29 AM »
Quote
Cherished Grandmother

Often, the undertaker will "suggest" the wording and as Stilllearning mentioned, it is possible that the obituary was approved without much (if any) thought.  I know this happened in our case.  Frankly, I think you are doing well - moving on so quickly ...

Offline luise.volta

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #10 on: July 03, 2013, 08:55:15 AM »
LC - You are moving through a very difficult situation openly and honestly. We are with you 100%. My take is that expressing your rage before it could fester and build has made the room for you get to gratitude. When we deny our feelings or get attached to them is when we get stuck. I'm in awe. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

Offline Lillycache

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #11 on: July 03, 2013, 09:06:55 AM »
I'm usually a pretty rational person... but I gotta tell ya.. seeing that Obituary first thing this morning sent me off into a tizzy.. I felt like I had ground glass in my eyes..  It wouldn't have been so bad if there was good history.. but it was very very ugly for a long time... and remember.. this is the woman who my DIL told me, during one of her fits, was  "more deserving of being a grandmother to my grandkids than I was"..... Yep  she actually said that.     ANYWAY....  I know that she was not involved in my GKs lives... as DS says they never saw her or his dad except for the family functions they were invited to..     I also know my DS and DIL were not co-authors of the obituary and that it was written by the funeral home after the names of all the family were given..  I think that her son and daughter thought it was nice to include their half-brothers kids.   It just hit me sooooo wrong..... expecially before my coffee..  lol!!  Thank you all for understanding.   

Offline freespirit

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #12 on: July 03, 2013, 10:23:14 AM »
Lilly, you have every right to let off steam. That would have got my goat too. Frankly, I wondered why you even wanted to send money. I would never have considered that. But you are probably a more forgiving person than I am.  ::)...I think a card is good...but def. no more.

Hope you can put your work aside and stop and smell the flowers.  :-\
The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.
            -- Michel de Montaigne

Offline Pen

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #13 on: July 03, 2013, 03:28:37 PM »
I'm sorry you've been going through this and reliving some of the old, painful memories. Sounds as if you're dealing pretty well through the ups and downs. Thinking of you and sending love and support.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline PatiencePlease

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Re: My Ex-husband's wife has died
« Reply #14 on: July 04, 2013, 07:20:02 AM »
I think you're going to continue to keep having ups and downs as you process this unexpected shift in your life and in the lives of your family.  You are wise for spilling out your thoughts on paper (computer screen) -- it does help you work through it.  I wish you continued healing.