Author Topic: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.  (Read 1426 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

ashvin2010

  • Guest
My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« on: May 18, 2010, 06:50:32 PM »
Hello everyone. My name is Ashley and I recently lost my mother which you could call my entire world. My mother passed away from asthma on jan 8 2010. She was in and out of the hospital 2 months before her death and was doing fine. The doctor even told her she could slow down on her breathing treatments becuase she was doing so well. I talked to my mtoher about 1-2 hours before she passed and she sounded fine. The last words my mother said to me were "god bless you, be safe". Thats the way she ended our daily phone call. I moved 200 miles away about 1 1/2 year ago which isnt far but for my mother and I might as well been from texas to china. I loved her dearly and she was my world, she knew it too. I received the news from a relative while I was in a department store. I remember thinking "why is she calling me?" Honestly I wasn't going to answer. When I finally did she told me if what she heard was true about my mom.. I asked her what and she said she passed away. I was shocked and of course denied it and said I would call my mom and figure everything out. Of course it was true and I found out my father was trying to contact my boyfriend to tell him so he could be with me when I found out. I ran out of that store like there was a bomb and jumped in my car. I broke down and thought I was going to die or cardiac arrest right there. I begged god not to take her and begged her not to be gone. I cant explain what I felt next but it was intense heat over my entire body and I just knew she was there. I couldnt look to my passenger seat becuase I was convinced she was sitting right there. You just know when you feel someone around you. At least I did. I knew it was her. I had a dream of my mother the day before her funeral and she told me she was ok and that "god had taken her and she saw the light" some people say it was my mind wanting to see and hear her say that. I KNOW YOU DONT KNOW ME BUT PLEASE TRUST ME WHEN I SAY IT WASNT MY MIND I KNOW IT WAS HER. AS HER DAUGHTER I KNOW IT WAS HER. What I need help with is the grieving, coping, intense pain I feel in  my heart. Im trying to blog as my last option before I go to a therapist and let him bleed me dry. I am scared to be alone in the dark. If I am home alone i have the lights on and am constantly looking around. for what or who I dont know. I cant eat, sleep, or work. I cry as Im getting ready to go to work and cant go sometimes. I gave myself about a month of time off and feel it wasnt near enough time. I need someone who doesnt know me to help me figure out how to get through this. My family is going to tell me what I want to hear and make sure to be careful what they say around me. I believe in the higher power and pray so mucha nd nothing is helping. I know my mother is with our lord and I know she doesnt want me to feel this way but ladies I give up. I have no idea where I am or what Im doing. I am so worried about worrying everyone that I am covering everything up and burying it deep inside. PLEASE HELP!!!!

Marilyn

  • Guest
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2010, 09:10:32 PM »
Ashley,you could be going thru some depression.Go to your Dr,or a therapist.
I had a dream also after my Dad and Mom passed.It's their way of letting you know not to suffer,and accept they are in total peace.Focus on that dream,feel the happiness and peace she feels.It was very real to me,not just a normal dream.It helped me so much.

Please make an appointment with a Dr or therapist,dont try to hold your feelings in,and worry about other people.You need to talk and grieve it's very normal.Trying to pretend and hide is not good for you.Tell them what you just wrote,you will be surprised at the compassion they will have for you.
We are here for you also,I'm just not sure if i can help you through this.I wish i could give you some better support.
Hopefully some one else here can offer some suggestions to help you cope.

Sending Love

Offline Nana

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 762
    • View Profile
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2010, 01:17:04 AM »
Ashley:  I am really sorry for your loss.  It is very hard and painful when someone you love so much dies.   Yes ther is an empty nest syndrome.   You are so lucky of having felt your mother near. I believe she came to you to say Goodbye because she knew how much you loved her. When I lost my mom many years ago, I was raising my children.  The night she died I felt it was going to happen and yet I had to leave to be with my children and husband.  I wanted to be there with her and hold her hand on her last breath.  I couldnt stay so I left and like 2 hours after, my dad call to give us the news.  I never got to say Good-Bye and regret it so much.  I prayed so much to have her visit me in my dreams and I did not dreamt her until 6 months after her death  (Oh what a beautiful dream).

I do not believe in therapy and that is only my opinion.  In my most difficult times I have just abandon myself to God and let him do the work. 
Time my dear.....only time will heal your heart.   May God Bless You!
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8839
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2010, 08:34:06 PM »
I believe in good therapists...but sometime they are hard to find. I just finished six months of fabulous counseling and it saved my bacon when it was time to part with my husband...(by putting him in a nursing home.)

We resist death and a great lesson in life is that we are perishable items. To think losing someone is something we can't live with is to deny who and what we are. For me it took a very long time to learn that. Death didn't look or feel normal and loss didn't seem surmountable to me for ages. The only way we learn is to go through it over and over again until we realize that it (life) is a process and whatever we feel is how we are at that moment and there are many, many choices regarding what to do with our feelings. Eventually we learn that they flow through us, we experience them and then go on.

I have lost three sons; one stillborn, one right after birth and one when he was 52 years old. I've lost my mother, father, two sisters...all of my in-laws and all of my aunts, uncles and cousins. I have also lost pets that meant so much to me that I thought I couldn't go on without them. Soon, I will be facing the loss of my husband. How could I not...he will be 99 years old in October. To not learn to live with and accept death and go on with life is to miss the point. The point being, everyone comes and goes and those who are left behind come and then go, as well. Sending love...
« Last Edit: May 21, 2010, 06:53:55 PM by luise.volta »
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2010, 06:15:52 AM »
Hello Ashley
while I'm glad your here, I'm very very sorry for your loss and for what you are going thru.

I lost my mom to...she was the only mom I really knew all my life...she was my foster mom...and she loved me dearly, as I loved her, she was my bestest friend, up until 3 years ago...and I to had a dream, so I know exactly what your talking about...and knew my mom was trying to tell me she was fine, and that while she was getting on with her life, I had to get on with mine...

I remember smiling, and laughing after my mom passed away, and felt guilty for laughing and felt disloyal to her, to her memory, for doing so.    I believe that is some of what your going thru...

Ashley, our lives here are very very short....we are here for the alloted amount of time, that need be. to accomplish what it is meant for us to accomplish.  I don't believe your mom is dead, but so much more so, alive in a different dimension....some call it heaven...God's place....however, I believe the afterlife, is so much different, then what most of us could even begin to fathom....

You asked us to believe you when you felt your mother there...now I'm going to share with you, something pretty darn unbelievable...however, it's true....

I can remember, laying in my crib as a baby...I was a new born, and I couldn't talk or move, but I remember thinking that I didn't want to be here, that I didn't belong here and I wanted so much to go back...I even remember the screen that seperated my bed from my maternal mother's bed...and my real mother was shocked that I asked her some of the questions I asked her for that time...as I was a new born...but it is very true....

Ashly, we cling to those we loose, b/c we cannot accept life without them, we fear going ahead without them for many reasons, one being guilt, however, you have to know and believe, your mother doesn't want you to waste one prescious moment of life, missing her, but more so, celebrating the fact that you were in each other's lives knowing the memories and believing that they will keep you close.  You will always be together, nothing can ever knock down that house of love...which is oh so powerful...however, your mother would also want to know, that you don't depend on her so much for your own happiness....you have to go forward and make your own happiness...sure you will miss her...

Shortly after my mother died, I was shopping and saw something that I thought she'd like.  I picked it up in my hands, to purchase it for her, and then realized, she wasn't here anymore...I forgot????  So, in that, I smiled to know, that I was so blessed in having her, b/c Ashley, if it hadn't been for her, I'd be lost...my maternal mother hated me...beat me, was very nasty to me....so, realize, what a blessing you had, and go forward b/c she would want you to....she would more then anything else in the world, want your happiness....it would upset her to know, that you can't go forward....and it may even hold her from making it fully over to the other side, have you thought about that?  Love and emotions are a very powerful thing...so is the energy we all project...and your negative energy could very well be keeping your mom, from completely her journey...

So, try to be greatful for what you have, not what you don't have...you have so much to be thankful for, remember those things...and use the tools that your mother gave you to go forward.  A mother's purpose is for her child to be successful, with, and/or without her...that is all she wants for her children...successful in that you are content and happy in your own life....we cannot depend on others for our own happiness....and I'm sure, what your going thru is making your mother very sad...she needs you, to complete your journey here...and is and will be there for you, when your journey is complete...however, you must now consentrate on knowing that you need to let mom go...let her go forward, just as you must....and in time, you will see her again...honor your mother in not only knowing that, but believing that...anything is possible, if you put your mind down to it....so, Ashley, for now, continue forward...one small step at a time...b/c your mother would want you to...she needs you to do that for her...just as she needs to go forward....

Not wanting to let go of those we love is the selfish side of us....we don't want to let them go...but when we trust that we're not really letting them go, that they will always remain in our hearts...that they actually are within us...and she is, her genes, her gene memory, her spirit, her beliefs, what she taught you...that is her within you...her energy...honor it, by living your life to the best of your ability...and passing on her genes if you can...within your own children...experience love as God would have us experience, within our husbands and/or mates...and know, in yoru heart of hearts if you do all this, she will smile, unlike any smile you've ever seen...you will not only honor her, but give her joy, in knowing you believe in yourself, which proves you believe in her...

You must learn to be confident within yourself, learn to enjoy being alone, the peace and quiet of it all...and to do that, you must understand, and believe with your sould, that you are not alone....you never are alone...

I hope and pray this helps...
Creme
« Last Edit: May 20, 2010, 06:20:03 AM by cremebrulee »

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8839
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2010, 09:05:02 AM »
When my eldest son, Dwight, died at age 52, it was a shock. He hadn't been ill. He had sleep apnea but it wasn't seen as serious at that time...only tiring. We had been out and when we came home the Voicemail light was blinking. My grandson's voice was hardly recognizable. He's a former Army Ranger and was at that time putting himself through law school. The message was; "Gramma Lu, Gramma Lu, call me right away! Something terrible has happened!" Nothing, absolutely nothing could ruffle Ben.

I turned to Val and said, "Dwight is dead." And as he sat there in shock...I explained that it was the only thing that could drop Ben in his tracks. And at that moment, I heard Dwight say..."I'm fine , Mom."

He was gone. A stroke in his sleep that was caused by sleep apnea. And I was fine because I knew he was.

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2010, 09:49:18 AM »
Quote
luise

I heard Dwight say..."I'm fine , Mom."

Even though I've had several of these experiences, to hear it from someone else makes me go...whew, and smile....

I'm so so sorry about Dwight, we're not supposed to loose our children...we expect to go first....so, yes, it is a very debilitating shock for anyone to experience Luise...how
I just cannot imagine...

sending hugs...

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8839
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2010, 10:25:27 AM »
Thank you, dear friend. What was so strange was that I hadn't called my grandson back yet. I had just heard his Voicemail message...and I "knew." And the moment I knew...Dwight came to comfort me. So, when I called Ben I was calm...and I stayed that way. Dwight was fine. That's all I had to know. Thar's all any mother needs to know.

When I lost my mom, at age 27, she sat me down three months before her death and told me that my moving to the west coast was her last wish and she felt she had done her work here and was free to go when the next heart attack came. She's had several and had always fought her way back. She said, " I feel so close to God and I am so tired." When I started to protest, she told me I could get it and be comforted or I could fight it and be devastated. I got it. Three months later I was on a plane for the first time in my life headed back to Michigan for her funeral and again, I was fine...because she was. Like my son, she gave me what I needed to accept what happened with grace.
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

cremebrulee

  • Guest
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2010, 10:37:04 AM »
Thank you, dear friend. What was so strange was that I hadn't called my grandson back yet. I had just heard his Voicemail message...and I "knew." And the moment I knew...Dwight came to comfort me. So, when I called Ben I was calm...and I stayed that way. Dwight was fine. That's all I had to know. Thar's all any mother needs to know.

When I lost my mom, at age 27, she sat me down three months before her death and told me that my moving to the west coast was her last wish and she felt she had done her work here and was free to go when the next heart attack came. She's had several and had always fought her way back. She said, " I feel so close to God and I am so tired." When I started to protest, she told me I could get it and be comforted or I could fight it and be devastated. I got it. Three months later I was on a plane for the first time in my life headed back to Michigan for her funeral and again, I was fine...because she was. Like my son, she gave me what I needed to accept what happened with grace.

I do hold a lot of water in experiences like this...and believe them and believe for the same reasons you do, that they do that to help us along.  To let us know, we must go on without them.

I remember a minister saying once, that when we loose a loved one, it is our selfishness that craves them here, and lack of faith...which makes sense, however, if he looses someone close to him, b/c he is human to, see how he handles it...every one is different, everyone needs a different amount of time to deal with these things and learn how to move on...

One thing I would like to say that I disagree with is taking medication to deal with it, b/c sooner or later, we're going to have to deal with it any way, and to me, meds just prolongs the course of healing...but that's just me, and God knows, what I'd do if the time came?  I can't say...no one can until they go thru it.

Luise your a very strong lady, with very strong faith...and I believe that is the basisi to dealing with this...to believe there is something beyond this life that is better then what we have here....and that I do believe. 

Hugs

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8839
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2010, 10:54:25 AM »
I sure agree with your view of antidepressants. It is healthy and normal to be depressed when we are hit, broadside, by loss. It doesn't need to be swept under the rug in my humble opinion, it needs to be experienced. If left alone, it will run it's course. We are all different...but "packaged denial' that we can take by mouth doesn't seems wise or even helpful to me. I know there are those who say they "had to have it to get through it" ...but they aren't through it, not really. Delayed depression can be even more lethal because it can get stuck deep within us.

Off soap box, now. Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

kathleen

  • Guest
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2010, 02:28:42 PM »
Luise,

I was stunned yesterday and today to learn, by reading deeper into the forum, you had lost so many in your life.  You have handled this with such grace and commitment to life.  You have turned this negative event in your life into something so powerful for so many of us.  I didn't know when I wrote about my friend who had lost his son on the mountain hike, that you had lost children, your Mom at age 27, and so many others.  I am so grateful to find you as a source of strength to understand how to go through the dark tunnel and come out the other side.  I do believe your son Dwight is still connected to you in the ways you describe, and that he always will be. This could happen to any of us, and we need a candle to light that road if it occurs.  You are so right, that death is part of life and what we must give back to life itself is coping with these losses. Because as you so eloquently say, it comes to all of us.  Therefore, none of us is alone with death.

Ashley, as hard as this is to bear, please ask yourself,  what would your Mom want?  She would want you to go on, and with her lovely parenting and caring of you, she will be at your side as you do so.  REACH OUT.  For your Mom, to honor her memory, can you find the strength to do that?  Tell others how you feel, as you have done here.  You will find then that you are not alone.  Your Mom would want you to be happy in this life.  She does not want you cowering in corners; she gave you life and she wants you to live, to do the best you can.  I hope you will.  PLEASE.

Going to a therapist is an individual experience.  I had great luck with one, but bad luck with others.  If you feel it could be helpful, go, but if you feel in the very first meeting it isn't going to work, then do not return; try another.  This is my formula with therapists.  It's like any other profession: some who work in it are gifted, but there are many who aren't.  Follow your instincts.  In the end, as Luise says, we are here to go through experiences, devastating as some are.  Therapists can really help but only if they are truly professional and care about their clients.

Know that many here are thinking of you, and PLEASE write again as soon as you can, "God bless you, Ashley, and BE SAFE," your Mom's last wish.  Luise is telling you that your Mom is still there for you. And she's right.

Sending flowers to you, Luise,

xoxo

Kathleen



 

Offline luise.volta

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8839
  • Luise Volta
    • View Profile
    • Wise Women Unite
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2010, 06:55:35 PM »
Got 'em,Kathleen. Beautiful!!!  ;)

Ashley - How are you doing? Sending love...
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes it's a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I'll try again tomorrow." -- Mary Ann Radmacher

ashvin2010

  • Guest
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2010, 09:48:04 PM »
Wow!! I would really like to thank everyone for all their beautiful stories, thoughts, and openess. I am 23 yrs old and can tell you that I have not gone through half of what is in store for me. I realize that my mother was called and it was her turn. She did what she was put here to do and I have to do the same. I know ill have my good days and bad and have to come to terms with that. Some days I just stare at her picture and wonder if she knows how much I hurt. I believe that where she is there is no pain or hurt. God will walk me through this and make me strong. I will be able to show my kids thateone day that even though grandmas not here she loves them more than anything. That's just the one thing I can't seem to get passed is her not having a relationship with my future children. I guess I get to ahead of myself and just need to take it day by day. Ladies you are all extraordinary women and have been put here by god to help those who need it. To be so open as to treat me like somoen you know and share such personal things with brings me back to reality in knowing that the life ahead of me is soblong and this has happened to me for a reason. Each one of us has been brought to this website for one reason or another and it will bring me sooo much joy to help someone else the way you ladies helped me.. creme as for you all I have to say is wow your an amzing person. God bless everyone and please continue to be the angels that each and everyone of you are.

Offline Pen

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4398
    • View Profile
Re: My mother's death has left me an empty shell.
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2010, 10:05:18 PM »
It's good to hear from you, Ash. You sound stronger now. Please continue to post! I understand your sadness over the realization that your future children won't know your mom. That was one of the most difficult things for me, and to this day I try to keep my mom's memory alive for my kids. It's not the same as having her here, but I do what I can. Your mom is so proud of you, and her example will guide you when you have your own children. Best wishes and {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb