Just Checking...

[Lillycache]

When someome says to you... "I'll call you during the week and pick out a day for us to come visit next weekend"  What does that mean to you?    To me it means... "I'll call  you during the week and a date for a visit for the following weekend would be set"..   Hmmm?   Am I wrong?    I guess I am..   No call... no visit..  from DS and the GKs.   I know he is alive as he's posting on FB.   I really thought it was pretty much a done deal..  It always used to be..  So I went out and bought all the ingredients for a nice dinner.. and bought the kids some presents.. particularly my GD for her First Communion.   I guess I can't say I'm really surprised... DS can be thoughtless and self centered.   I was just checking my reality again.  I tend to do that.    I suppose it just re-enforces the fact that I am on the perifery and not a mainstream relative..... THAT position is filled by the Grand ole FOO.   No big dilemma here to solve.. just a minor vent and foot stomp.

[fangle]

I'm really sorry to hear that LC!  I'm of the opinion that if you say you're going to do something, then do it or at very least make your apologies.  If you don't have any intention of doing something there's no need say anything for the sake of saying it.....  I wish that this week went differently for you, but it can be the mark of a person how they deal with disappointments and trials.  Pity that we have to go through them, though.  (((((((Mega Hugs)))))))) xo

[jdtm]

Unfortunately, in my family, it would mean "I feel guilty for not including you and saying that I will call and visit are words that should make me (and you) feel better.  But next week might be next week or next month or next year or whenever ...."

So sorry - but, in my family, I count on nothing.  If a precise date and time are not decided, then I know it was just a "guilt statement".  Even if the date and time are agreed, I do not count on everyone being there (as it rarely happens).  Some people are just so self-centered that others are not even on their wavelength.  I don't do much in the way of holiday entertaining anymore and my gift giving has been lessened (doing this gradually) - been burned too many times.  I don't offer to help, either.  My friends blame me .... 

I guess I'm very negative here; but, in my family, this is what I have learned.  By the way, these lessons were not presented until after the DIL's entered on the scene.  Like you, surprisingly, I'm getting better (although with Mother's Day around the corner ...).  So sorry ....

[luise.volta]

I have never had that happen. What my elder DS did was to come and then it was so clearly not where they wanted to be and such a huge obligation (he didn't say that and tried) that their coming was worse than their staying away. (I got both.) This is the place to vent. We get it. We have all tripped over our own expectations. Yours sound realistic to me. I doubt, however, that you will continue to trust them or respond as willingly. When drawing the line, most of us have had a pretty hard time...even when it was apparently first drawn by our AC. Sending love...

[Lillycache]

I made two smaller lasagnas instead of one big one.. and froze one of them.. The garlic bread has been frozen and we will finish up the mega-salad tonight for dinner.. so it wasn't a big deal.  It was just the principle of the thing.. Do what you say your are going to do!!  That's all I ask.. Don't leave me hanging... Have a little consideration for crying out loud.  It's not very nice to know you are on put on hold if something better or more interesting comes along... which I'm sure is what happened.  AND  Ahhh... Yes  Mother's day.  We have made plans to be out of town anyway.  No holding my breath there.  I'm sure the day's festivities will be filled with DIL and her FOO celebrating the splendor of one another..  and arguing over who loves who more!!   

[luise.volta]

No big deal...and hurtful. Expecting respect. I'm so glad you have other plans on "M" day. Don't forget the imaginary cruise we have slated here for that occasion!

[Lillycache]

I have never had that happen. What my elder DS did was to come and then it was so clearly not where they wanted to be and such a huge obligation (he didn't say that and tried) that their coming was worse than their staying away. (I got both.) This is the place to vent. We get it. We have all tripped over our own expectations. Yours sound realistic to me. I doubt, however, that you will continue to trust them or respond as willingly. When drawing the line, most of us have had a pretty hard time...even when it was apparently first drawn by our AC. Sending love...

Oh Gosh... I sure know how that feels.. That's how it was when DIL was still pretending to not hate my guts!  Those visits were horrible.  She sat sullen faced on the sofa and answered my attempts at conversation with one word or grunts.  AND.. They were always fighting... only I was to stupid at the time to realize that they were fighting about being at my house at all..  Now that DIL is not involved.. the visits are so much more pleasant and enjoyable.... when he bothers to come over that is..

[Keys Girl]

LC, my son used to make promises like that.......and not follow up.......which is more difficult than no promises in my opinion.  I learned to decide on an specific deadline (reasonable in my mind) and then forget about it.   After a while I didn't believe his promises and was less surprised when I didn't hear from him.

If I were you, the next time he promises something or other about getting together, I would set the deadline and say "Well, we have some other plans happening in that time frame, if I don't hear back from you by _______, then I'll assume you have other plans too and I won't wait to hear from you, but there is always the next time, everyone has a busy schedule these days!

I hated to be left to twist in the wind, and I wouldn't allow it to happen again.  Good for you for being pro-active about "M" Day.

KG

[Pooh]

So frustrating when anyone does that!  I hate that!  Big, huge pet peeve of mine.  I am too under the mindset of doing what I say, saying what I'll do.  I will never understand what's so hard about saying, "I'm sorry...I have so much going on...I have no idea right now when we can visit, but I will call you when my schedule clears up so we can arrange something." 

I'm a planner too LC, and if someone says something like that to me, I also would have bought things and figured out what I needed, etc.  I think that is what irritates me so bad.  Those that know me, know I'm a planner and it's not rocket science to know that if you give me a time frame, I'm going to be ready and make purchases. 

Not a family related thing, but I had promised over a month ago to go help someone, in another County about 1 1/2 from me with some work related stuff on my off day yesterday.  He double-checked with me this week to see if I was still coming and I told him I was.  Woke up yesterday and it was storming terribly.  I hate driving in major rain because I have trouble doing it.  I really didn't want to drive in it and wanted to call him and tell him I wasn't coming.  But I drove in heavy rain, storms, fog, etc. over mountains, because I had said I would be there, and he really needed the help. 

I live by the philosophy that our actions reflect our character.

[Lillycache]

Pooh... I'm a planner also.  If someone tells me they will visit, I make sure I go out and buy what I need to make a nice visit for them.  I make sure I get my home ready for company with an extra good cleaning... and I certainly do not make other plans.   In the future however, with this son... I am going to tell him straight up the next time he pulls this  "I'll call you during the week to pick out the day next weekend" garbage that  if I do not hear from him by Wednesday, I will figure he is not coming.    Thanks to all of you for the great ideas, and for listening to my little rant.

[herbalescapes]

It's possible that DS was simply indulging in guyspeak and would be quite surprised that you actually expected him to call and bought dinner/gifts in anticipation of getting together.  It's a common dating dilemma: at the end of a date a guy says "I'll call you" and the woman gets upset that he doesn't.  To the guy, "I'll call you" is just a handy phrase like "Have a nice day."  Maybe viewing it this way makes it easier than thinking DS was being deliberately deceitful and hurtful. 

You do have my sympathy.  I've dealt with family members and riends who don't follow up on "let's get together" type things so I have an inkling on how it feels.  Not perfect since I haven't had to deal with an AC doing it (yet).  Good luck.

Pooh - did your helpee thank you?  I hope so. 

[Stilllearning]

I don't think I would give him a deadline for calling.  I would just figure that he would NOT come UNLESS he called.  If he called too late for me to get things together I would just say "Oh, I did not hear from you so I made other plans.....maybe next week?"  It is less confrontational but still gets the point across. 

[luise.volta]

That one rings true for me, J. "Note to self: DS may call."

[Lillycache]

It's possible that DS was simply indulging in guyspeak and would be quite surprised that you actually expected him to call and bought dinner/gifts in anticipation of getting together.  It's a common dating dilemma: at the end of a date a guy says "I'll call you" and the woman gets upset that he doesn't.  To the guy, "I'll call you" is just a handy phrase like "Have a nice day."  Maybe viewing it this way makes it easier than thinking DS was being deliberately deceitful and hurtful. 

You do have my sympathy.  I've dealt with family members and riends who don't follow up on "let's get together" type things so I have an inkling on how it feels.  Not perfect since I haven't had to deal with an AC doing it (yet).  Good luck.

Pooh - did your helpee thank you?  I hope so.

Since I am his mother and not a one night stand, I guess I expected his words "I'll call you to pick a day" to mean more than an easy way to brush me off... .. but perhaps not..   I also don't think he was being  deliberately deceitful or hurtful..... just thoughtless and self absorbed.   

[luise.volta]

L - I think the distinction in your last sentence is one I am going to try to employ more often. Perception often plays a huge part. Thanks for the reminder.